Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Big Fat Valentine's

My relationship with Valentine's Day was not a good one. I dated late and didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 25 years old. In other words, we are talking extremely delayed psycho-social development, even though my obesity when young was more on the moderate-mild rather then later very severe end. An extra 40lbs was enough to be cast out from the running.  Young fat women can have it pretty tough out there in the "no fat chicks" sticker world.

As I have gotten older, I have realized there are many severely obese people who remain permanently outside of the dating game. 45 year old virgins in the super-sized fat world do exist. After what I have gone through, I am not surprised. What are fat people told constantly but "you are too fat for anyone to love you?" I wish I knew now what I did then about love. If anyone has a fat daughter or son, tell them they deserve love too, if your kid has any confidence they will not be left on the sidelines.

Being raised by a family, that told me I was too big, ugly and large to attract anyone, did not do favors for my dating confidence. One thing, perhaps some can tell by vestiges of my posts here, my upbringing had some problems. I didn't get pats on the head but a LOT of criticisms. Being big, fat and later poor was not the child my parents wanted and they felt gypped. Even with a college degree in art education and nearly another in paralegal studies [I was switching to something more practical tired of art teaching cut-backs and wanting job that demanded less physically], I was their "DISAPPOINTMENT". Even though once in a moment of pique, I asked my mother "Why'd you marry the man with the 450lb mother?" What did they expect?

One of those messages was "You are too big, for any man to ever date you!" said when the fat ratio was lower and I was more on the amazonian side. Which was strange, what was I supposed to do SHRINK? I would later lose 4 inches from osteoporosis [according to one osteopath], and still am not used to the difference between 5 foot 11 and now 5 foot 7. I dare say there were a few interested parties, but being left in a heap of dateless Saturday nights and realizing my life was not going the same way as other girls, made my self esteem sink into a hole and I was not in the place to even recognize the would be suitors existed. Sadly with a few, I probably thought they were just making fun of me or not taking them seriously. I still remember this one poor hapless fellow I unknowingly blew off at the computer lab in college. Ah to go back to those days and give myself a shake to clear my own mind, I wish!

One thing even worse, was there were family rumors, that I was actually homosexual and that is why I was not dating normally. The undiagnosed PCOS and androgen problems butching the heck out of me did not help. I was bigger, hairier and far more aggressive then other girls. However I have only been attracted to men. Oddly and ironically, my desire has been for bigger [not necesssarily fatter] and taller men. Having one's own father tell me, "You can bring your girlfriend home", in a spirit of "tolerance" because I had not had a boyfriend by age 22, was weird and spoke volumes even as to how little my own family knew me. Once they figured out, my heart was set on men, then I got to listen to "Are you going to be an old maid?" When my thin sister married at the age of 19, this question only got more intense.

So Valentine's Day for me was usually a day spent crying my eyes out. Which was dumb looking back, why are we not telling young people who are not coupled up, to do other things with their lives or have enough confidence within themselves? Why is every woman judged on if she has married or not or if she is popular with the men? Oh I didn't woefully cry over no boyfriend everyday as I was busy working my butt off even just trying to survive, had my fun times with close friends, and was already teaching and volunteering, with the poor health making things even harder, but Valentine's Day used to hit me in the gut. I told people it was unlikely I would ever marry and just didn't want to mess with it anymore.

Add to this unrequited love when I was 22 or thereabouts, already teaching, meeting someone I was interested in who another friend whisked away and started living with at the time. He would later cheat on her and I would realize mixed together we would have been volatile, but I filled journal after journal lamenting lost love. Ready to spill into a pile of tears at any second. It was a bad scene. I needed God and more strength in myself instead of seeking after what other people couldn't give me.

Anyhow, later I would finally meet Mr. Five Hundred Pound Peep. The family would say "There goes two peas in the strange pod". It was heart pounding love, where we were kissing by the second date, and going nuts over each other. Of course I was akin to a 14 year old at the age of 25 due to lack of experience but I was in love. FINALLY.  

See: "The World Fattest Bride?" Yes really I could have been.

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