Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Advice Columnist Gets It Right! {Narc. Family Dynamics}

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This was my life, the poorer, disabled daughter who got closed out. My list includes my mother and sister visiting each other several times a year, driving by my apartment within a mile and never stopping by or visiting me or including me, secret family/ and other parties my mother would hold and not tell me about, shopping trips, extended vacations to Florida where even another disabled member got a trip all paid for to go, being disinvited from weddings and more. Often I was told, "You don't have the money", or "You can't do all the walking" the few times I found out. Most of the time, the response was "We are busy!".  My mother would visit every third cousin in a 1300 mile radius but would never see me. My sister once told me, "I don't travel" when I asked her to stop by on the way to see someone else, and in the next breathe mentioned a Florida vacation. In my family the same "class dynamics" apply, the poorer are left out and ostracized, sometimes dealt with so they can come pay homage but basically left out of the lives of many others.

It saddens me to hear of her sister crying. If these people do not repent, there isn't a hot enough place in hell for these types but these were the kind of people I was dealing with too. All they care about is status, and image. The advice columnist is right she did not learn much in church. All of mine too attend church playing pious.

One thing as you know I confronted both for many years, but all I got told was that I was a liar and gaslighted to death. The path of healing for the sister being written about by this would be narcissist is to be done with all of them and find "sisters" among friends. That is what I did.  She can then be free of the pain of her broken-heartedness. It will take time but it can be done.

15 comments:

  1. She wants her to find new friends????? That's her effing sister. She can find new friends but how do you find new family?

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    1. I agree how do you find new family? Also if someone has been scapegoated and beaten down, it is harder to form friendships. Thank God I found great friends myself, but someone who has been abused and rejected for years and even from childhood, it takes a lot of recovery and therapy to form healthy friendships. The rejected sister I will pray will be able to do so.

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  2. Amy's response is right on! It's shocking how these hateful narcs threaten to call the police on their victims whenever they show symptoms of THEIR abuse. Sad Sister should be named Callous, Controlling, Sadistic Sister. It's weird she used the name "Sad Sister" when it's clearly the other way around. The whole thing reeks of a narcissist abuser feigning false concern and playing the victim.

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    1. I think it is right on too. It is nice to see one of those narcs told what's what and called out on their bad behavior.

      So her sister is crying and shows up to ask what is going on and this sick one yes wants to call the police on her and have her hauled away. I agree about her being Callous and Controlling.

      Hey they love the opposites games, what does she have to be "sad" about? Mine always called me a liar when she was the one lying. It is feigned martyrship which many of these types will work on pushing. They are always the ones in the "right" while everyone else is guilty. Her total lack of empathy shows forth.

      Even I wrote to my mother in the NC letter "Life is not grand when your family outside of 1 or 2 members becomes a snobby clique" . One thing I believe narcs derive power and pleasure from these ostracization games, it's like high school advanced into adulthood, they gain power by making some parties "insiders" and others "outsiders".

      It's the same way cliques operate, in this way they can get people toeing the line so they stay in the circle, and they can punish those who don't do their bidding by closing them out. It's a way to manipulate entire groups of people and they always need a few scapegoats outside the circle to serve as the "warning".

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  3. I've noted other AC's mentioning being *very clearly* slighted/left out/not invited and it reminds me of one of the tactical errors I made with my Walking Cluster B "mother:" I never identified for myself what my "Bottom Line" was in terms of what behavior she would have to demonstrate (again) for me to terminate the relationship. Because there is no "low" to how far they'll go, you can just imagine how bad it finally got over the years before I walked away. (Again, I did this decades ago, so I was really blundering alone in the dark. NOT an "excuse," just a factual statement.)
    I truly feel I could have saved myself a load of pain and certainly years if I had been clear *to myself* regarding my personal "Bottom Line." There is no reason to expect (or accept) the "other" setting the bar for you and if it's a CB, that "bar" is gonna drop and increase in acceleration according to the Scientific Laws of weight, gravity-and time. Every time.
    TW

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    1. I know one thing I majorly erred in was putting up with way too much crap. It was like I was the sucker crawling back for more. They would throw a morsel and sadly the puppy desiring love and attention would come back running. Sigh.

      I can forgive myself in knowing that for me, a lot of it was desperation, I feared never seeing nieces and nephews again or other relatives, had the social isolation of Aspergers, was in severe poverty and serious health problems where one wants at least the feeling of a family backing you up [I got some help years ago regarding cars and car repairs and presents too, which was kind of bait on the stick as well] but I put up with way too much. I ignored that feeling of rejection, hurt and the black cloud that hovered around me even the few times the queen spider and her mini-me invited me the palace to pay homage.

      So yes I know what you mean about Bottom Line.

      I think for me life itself kind of made the bottom line for me. I was so sick last year, and well it told me what I suspected but never would admit to myself for years, that they did not truly care about me and the only reason I was even dealt with, was for reasons of "control" and not to be a threat to the "image". They will go as low as they want, you are right about that.

      Don't blame yourself either as I made the same mistakes. One thing about the ACON childhood is it is training for eating dirt and poo sandwiches until someone breaks out of the fog, and releases all the myths about family that especially do not apply to ones, that don't even offer basic love or loyalty, and walks away.

      Even the concept of a bottom line and boundaries, is something I had to learn in psychology books, self help groups and other places, certainly my parents never taught me to protect myself because then I would have protected myself FROM THEM.

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  4. I still find myself second guessing myself about NC and what I could have done to make her behave, and my seahag of a mother has been dead for almost two years

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    1. I know it's not easy. I think anyone who goes NC struggles with it. I think everyone wonders if they are making the right decision but we have to protect ourselves and emotional and physical health. I know these feelings probably do last even after they are long gone. In my case the relationship has always been "off" and never been in a good place ever. Yours was so extreme I think you had no choice but to get away.

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  5. Well, mine's been "long gone" (deceased) and I had the unfortunate "fortune" to have her attempting to destroy me in every way from practically Day 1 of NC (actually, pretty much from birth) so that's a couple of decades or so of fulminant pathology courtesy of a Walking Cluster B Domestic Terrorist. If the only way I could envision freedom from Parental CB-ville was leaving the decision (and my personal agency) to be "resolved" by or at her physical death, I would have been living a personal Death Sentence for YEARS. It would have been a looonnnggg, painful death for me. It already WAS, which was a motivating factor for NC.
    I'd already done that for the first part of my life. If what I was doing wasn't "working" at all-for either of us-how could I possibly be doing any WORSE by NC than what I'd managed to "accomplish" so far?!
    It does get better post NC. You gave YEARS of your life while in contact: Give yourself a couple of years of peace, of complete NC and then if you want to revisit the CB Bin of ULB-hood, have at it. ;)
    TW

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  6. So sorry your's tried to destroy you TW, but I understand. Mine always undermined me, even in ways I think she wasn't even conscious of, with the looks of disgusts, the scoffs in front of other people. I think there are some who can return to more mild Cluster Bs with redrawn boundaries, but I kind of know ahead of time mine is too severe to manage this from the get-go. I may write about this soon but I actually went NC for three years in my 20s before I knew what these personality disorders were, and did the "low contact" thing for over 15 years. Rules then: never spend night at her house only at hotel, never visit alone, always rent a car--stuart smalley, never live in the same town as her or town of one of her minions so forth and so on. I know what you mean by personal death sentence.All I have to do is look at my Scapegoat Aunt to see what happened to her.

    My health was getting into acute danger from contact or preparing for contact so NC for me was kind of forced from the "I want to stay alive" school. I agree what could be worse. I had to sit back and say, none of this is working, and one must walk down a different path to get different results. I'm enjoying the peace. With my health problems not even having the visits which always ripped me to shreds health wise [no place to lay down for hours] has been a massive relief. I think waiting until they are gone to feel peace, is waiting too long. Some people take that spin of the wheel and their emotional vampire lives into its 90s. Better to go NC, and get the peace and quiet an ACON victim needs.

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  7. OK, let's take a closer examination of your observation your CB "mother" "undermined me, even in ways *I think she wasn't even conscious of,* with the looks of disgusts, the scoffs in front of other people."
    I'm not saying *everything they do* is premeditated, targeted and deliberate. It doesn't have to be. I AM saying that a whole lot of it IS-and here's why: We develop patterns of interacting with others over years-it becomes habit. Your "mother" felt free to express her contempt or disapproval of you in any way she chose when ever she chose-there's the pattern, the habit of interacting with you in action. It's like a reflexive response to an itch-we scratch it without thought.
    Whether an abuser abuses you consciously or unconsciously, the result is STILL the same: It HURTS. And it's intended to. Did you feel free to bring these behaviors to your mother's attention and request she cease treating you as "less than?" Of course not! You had long since been taught resistance to abuse is futile. Your most primal right to self-preservation, to be treated with respect, dignity and consideration by others had been completely undermined through patterns of interaction developed over years by your CB "mother."
    Peep, that's just plain sad. Your "mother" became yet more empowered by stomping on a LITTLE CHILD. That's just plain twisted. By the time you became an adult, the patterns had been set: You became the "repository" for HER behavior, as if somehow you were responsible for the behavior of anyone other than you and somehow, you "deserved" to be treated as "less than."
    The power differential between a child and an adult, particularly a parent, is a chasm. The parent who persists in kicking that child into that chasm is no less responsible whether it was conscious or unconscious. Seeing the fear, confusion, hurt, terror, pain etc. on your child's face is more than enough to let the parent know what they've done and NOT DO IT AGAIN.
    And yet they do, over and over again. If the standard for "abuse" included EVERY interaction with them be consciously abusive in some way, we'd never see the pattern and implement boundaries. The reality we even HAVE to set such basic "boundaries" as adults with family members indicates we're already in an abusive situation. Remember, they're not treating *everyone* they way they're treating YOU, which also speaks to conscious vs. unconscious "behavior."
    TW

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  8. Yes she had the conscious stuff and the unconscious, abusing me became her ingrained habit. I think she made the choice to abuse me, and I know you agree with me on that but yes she had the deliberate stuff mixed with the habitual, that got ingrained.

    To be frank, she had nothing but disproval or contempt my whole life. I tried to think of even one moment she was proud or happy with me and came up flat. Then she just got jealous instead.

    I agree it hurts either way. I think of the thousands of what some would label daily "micro-aggressions", the scoffs, the raised eyebrows, the silence, the scrunched up faces of disgust, the glares, the pulls on my jacket if I wasn't walking in the right direction and it all added up.

    Standing up against her as a child or an adult, she would tell me that didn't really happen or would just call me a liar. Gaslighting galore. I agree with you about the lack of self-preservation and the rest. I told one of my best friends who had N parents too, we were set up for the predators and wolves. And with me being ill, it was time for the world to join in on the chow-down. In essence I was brainwashed. I spent years in the "please like me", seeking to please mode which brought me more abuse and failure if anything else.

    I think it's sad too. I really believe my NM and N sis got PLEASURE watching me suffer. Hope this did not happen to you but one thing observing her long enough, she would elevate herself by squashing me and the other scapegoats down. I saw the hurt looks even on the faces of others. Yes it does say we are in an abusive situation, especially when they are coming natural. The Christmas present drop-off and sneer of 2012, was the day I knew I had to be done. I also have realized her treatment of me was far different then others, trying to get understanding from the few nice ones left, like my brother, I have explained this to him, that the mother I saw and experienced was night and day from what he did, though he had definitely some of his own stuff to deal with.

    Those subtle things controlled me. I started the "rebellion" in my 20s. I can tell the GC N sis's entire life is still formed around pleasing her, maybe getting a rare smile in her case. Even being enslaved to another human being like that is so wrong. One thing she taught me to blame myself for everything that happened, especially the bad, that is so over for me now. Thank God.

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  9. It didn't escape my attention that in one of her last emails to me she slammed one of her old [other]scapegoats, my brother's ex-wife. Someone as far as I know she hasn't had contact with in 10 years. I think about how that woman was treated and applied it to myself. She was able to turn numerous people against her right in front of me.

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  10. I had initiated NC with my NM mother over 15 years ago without knowing her pathology or just how ill she was. For years I tried therapy and everyone of those idiots wanted me to reunite with my FOO because they felt they I would benefit because it was "unnatural" that the mother-daughter bond was broken. One even remarked to me when I resisted to her attempts to reconcile me to NM mother "My dear what has broken this bond so badly you don't want to fix it?" I could recount ad nauseum the tales of abuse and neglect to the therapist but they would tell me I was "sensitive", over critical of her, and were trying to change my perspective and accept her for what she was and take it from her. I never knew websites like these existed until I saw the ask Amy letter, because all of the same stuff the writer mentions happened to me. That letter turned something on in me making it clearer that this was not in my head, I am not defective, and willing to seek help for the PTSD, anger, hurting physically and mentally. Thank goodness you are here, and thank goodness for Amy

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  11. Hi 500 pound peep, this is Wendy. I read your blog long ago when this was first published and I try to keep up with it now. I have learned many resources here about narcissistic family dynamics and I understand more about what was happening here. The situation is far more complex than this article can convey. I'm sorry for all the abuse you have suffered and many of these same things have happened to me also, especially the circling the wagons and smear campaigns. I am doing very well. I understand nearly everything you write except the high weight issue, you don't have to be clinically obese or autistic to be singled out in your family of origin. You just have to have a personality disordered parent.

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