The deconversion road has continued. I've been able to return to the Unitarian Universalist church. I was able to talk to them about how I was UU for most of my young adult hood and how I left and came back and get understanding. That helps a lot. I have noticed they treat my husband with a lot more respect then as the lost "hell-bound" soul. They are nice people. Class issues may still be rough ones in the UU, but I have noticed since I left, there was discussion about classism and more education along those lines in the churches. I can't believe in the God who throws most people in hell, that's long over with. We have been happier being back, the UU fellowship we attend is very interactive and friendly.
I spent 16 years of my life thinking there was a God that would care. I didn't believe in the prosperity gospel and didn't expect him to bring me suitcases of 50s and 100 dollar bills or even total healing, but I expected that instead of being ground down by stupid things of no meaning and years of poverty, there would be some meaning, focus and comfort to life. Maybe compared to my human narcissistic parents, I wanted a loving God the father. Well the treatment wasn't much different. Lots of silence and withholding. I noticed those characters were all merging together in mind. I had my own cognitive dissonance in that area. Any solace I did find or happiness was based in "breaking the rules": activist causes frowned upon by the religious right, art, music, and nature.
There's a lot of people I know calling out to God for hope, help and comfort. I feel for them. I am still technically theistic instead of total atheist and I hope "beyond the veil" so to speak there is a God or higher power that cares and can't or doesn't intervene for reasons we don't understand, but the idea of a God who demands blood sacrifices to have sin appeased, that's totally gone for me now and the evangelical lines of dividing humanity into lost and saved with the greatest percent going to hell. There's no God finding a parking space for you or sending down magic fairy dust to fix any of our lives.
I had one aunt my sociopathic family destroyed, and I prayed for help to change things for her. NOPE. Some who have read my blog long enough know that the seeds of the deconversion were spread long ago. The evil just grew more evil and got richer, while Mr. Yahweh sat back on his lounge chair and said "I am too busy." I think of others who have died, all good people I who cared about and had conscience and empathy who the evangelicals and fundamentalists would consign to hell based on their rules because they were not "born again" like my war protester friend who was not Christian and died 7 years ago. It is a relief to no longer live in the world of "hell" and end-times Doom.
My husband made a joke about God is was based on a cartoon I did during my youthful deconversion atheist days where I draw God with a Bart Simpson head, saying "Eat my shorts!" while watching struggling people. We still joke about this every time something bad happens like our car breaking down or other mishaps. One of us will joke "EAT MY SHORTS" which is code for God giving us the middle finger and laugh. Hey you have enough dark stuff happen, sometimes you have to learn to laugh. We both have been sick most of this winter. He goes out in public to run errands, and gets the latest flu or cold and then I get it. I'm in bed with another one, and all of December was spent being sick too.
I was going into the pharmacy a few days ago to get 60 bucks co-pays worth of medication, had to go in since they screwed up an order, and husband had stomped back to the car and sent me in on my walker, and I walked in and saw all these signs they are selling in there. The pharmacists had ignored our called in order three days before. I call this the "Middle Class and above Smug Christian Woman decor", those signs they slap on their living room walls always painted usually on barn wood that say things like...
"Thankful, Grateful, Truly Blessed"
"In All Things Give Thanks"
Well you get the drift. If I see someone with signs like that on their living room walls, I will know not to pursue a friendship not too heavily. What kind of people put things up like that on their walls? Do they feel really blessed or is it to brag about being blessed? They fill living rooms of all my old church members, and some people around here. If I get in any pain I can't hide or can't wear the mask, they would dump me like a hot rock. That's someone to keep in politeness land and weather talk.
Hmm you mean like God? Think about a relationship where you are promised this figure will help you, and he simply chooses not to. Or refuses over and over to help people you care about. One reason I deconverted was so many friends died without "being saved", I figured heaven was going to be empty anyway, if there was one.
I can't wear the mask. And yeah the preachers will preach, "Oh God loves you" but all I know is when the pedal hit the metal, and when it was time for a God to step up. He didn't. Many people who deconvert, and I have seen this on all the deconversion boards, because I know we prayed and asked this God for help, and we also saw many loved ones and others suffering then we start to question.
One thing I think about, humans would probably help each other a hell of a lot more, if they didn't think there as a magic genie in the sky that was going to fix everything. I also believe a Cruel God makes for Cruel Men, and this is why the religious right has become so hypocritical and cruel too.