[picture from Charming Charlie Tumblr]
Poor Charlie Brown. I was always into Peanuts and often I think Charles Schultz and I would have been soul mates considering his outlook. He always got to the right of the heart of the issue. I should post about my fandom regarding Charles Schultz and Peanuts soon.
Seasonal affective disorder mixed with 100% house-bound-ness like I am in jail, is not always pleasant. I've had one day outside living like a normal person in the last four weeks. It may warm up tomorrow and Friday to 40 degrees and perhaps the outside world will see my presence. Here's hoping. Around the third or fourth week of imprisonment, some of us feel funny. There was one winter so bad, 90 days straight passed by of staring out the window. If I had money, I would winter somewhere else, but it's not an option. Heat bugs me too so moving South is not a solution.
Some Depression creeps like cat through a window, back to some of us when the days get shorter and darker. I have had it's struggles life-long, and have had to manage it the best I could, but December is known as the month I dread. Once I'm over it's hump, Jan and Feb aren't always so easy too, but for some reason December stands out more. I'm involuntarily away from my peer counseling group which does not help. I should get one of those light-boxes maybe but some circumstances are impacting things. Waking up sometimes I wish I was a happy "normal" person who did not have their body dictate so much of their life. The sin of envy combined with the "should of, would of, could of" Sometimes in the morning I wake up and think "What happened?" How did I get this sick? How did so many things fall out of my hands or out of my reach?"
A person can know they have some gifts and worth but regret is a river that can drown you and right now, I'm trying to swim for land. I'm praying to God too in doing so.
I'm trying to focus on maintaining myself, my
kind medical professionals helping me with getting a bed to elevate my legs, to managing my apt--organization, Aspie focus and sensory problems, and how to get things done with serious cardio-pulmonary issues. One thing I've learned is I need to slow down, rather then work myself into a frenzy collapsing because my lungs and body have checked out. The walking and exercise has helped. All medical scores have improved including blood pressure and the rest. My leg has shrunk. I've been watching old movies, and doing cards and talking with friends and trying some semblance of happiness. Part of the formula here, is DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN
I feel badly about how things panned out with
the family. So much regret. One website helped me saying, relationships are two way streets, and if you are the one who is always trying, and the effort on the other end is at the extreme minimal or even toxic in terms of the narcissists, it's not your fault! They say going
no contact is hardest during the holiday season and in the first year. With the family I lost, I will have contact with some of the kind ones, but I know my mother will remain central and I'm on the outs. Part of me thinks what if I had been healthy, or had money or have achieved more in my life? Would I have been "somebody" to them? If that is what it took, then it would have meant nothing anyway. My mother had her party where she gave out presents and almond bark, and well let's just say she is far more in the middle of everyone's vision then me. I will never know the satisfaction of grandchildren or a family or many things she has enjoyed in her life. It's kind of funny how things work out that way in this world.
December is not a fun time for every human being out there. If you are lonely or not feeling the holiday cheer, remember others out there are feeling the same. Not everyone celebrates Christmas too including some Christians who are not Jehovah Witnesses and many others. There are others who have walked away from the go-go greed fest too based on secular reasons.
For those of you who find this a tough time of year, I will pray for you and trust me there is some of us who understand. If you have been broke for years all the focus on presents and shopping, can stink too. You watch people who seem to have endless buckets of money sink money equal to your rent just for the specialness of a TV being flat screened instead of a giant box. You can comment here if you want. The forced smiles and the rest can be a trial. If I was not housebound, I would go do some work to forget myself, such as at a soup kitchen and am working on some cards for those in the hospital which I'll be working on after I write on here but many do not find this the happiest time of the year. Many of my friends have been good to me, one keeping up regular visits I always enjoy and another calling me every few days, to help keep my spirits up.
Some of us await January 2nd, praying for the relief it will bring. Most Decembers of the last 10-15 years, I've been housebound with my bad lungs. It is not one of my most happiest or memorable months though there are others that keep me inside too. One sometimes has to look at pictures of last spring to know some sunshine and good times will return.
