When I was growing up, I was slapped and told I was too sensitive and needed to harden up. Feelings were to be erased and one was to become a stoic of no emotion and talk about nothing. This was something I was not good at. There was no room for any sensitive artists.
One thing I have noticed in my family, is the children, and some of them "TURN" when they reach their late teens. I saw it happen with my own sister. I recently saw a picture of my sister's oldest son on a social website, and it scared me. He was trying to look tough while wearing cammo in the woods. I don't know if the giant gun he was holding, was a real one, or an air gun but it was big.
He looks out at the camera and I notice that cold look in the eyes, I have seen in so many in my family. His eyes oddly remind me of my brothers. This is a kid who was very nice, I remember laughing and smiling with him. The last time I saw him was around 2011, so the change was pretty immediate. Maybe I am being too sensitive, and I know teens show off by looking "tough" but his eyes don't look that way. What happened to him? He used to be such a sweet kid. I feel like crying. He is someone else I became a stranger with.
Sometimes I have thought about how I was hated for being sensitive and having feelings. I would cry upon missing people or express worry or be frozen out. It's strange these are feelings that my husband loves, he says things like "Peep cares." They told me for so long I was the "bad" one. I'm tired of seeing people with these kind of eyes. It's like the light goes out in them. It scares me.
Yay, those eyes. I'm not sure if it was a vision I had, or a dream or a nightmare, but there were three people staring at me with those eyes bugged wide open. The feeling I had was just that they seemed like robots, intent on murdering me! I have weird vivid dreams like that.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone heard that crying is just "snotting your nose?" I heard that one all the time from MN mother. Or, "quit your snotting". Emotion from me would send her off on a tirade. I had to train myself to stop crying, it was easiest to survive. The loud freaking out she used to do over it.
I'm sensitive now, but I had to journey back here. It didn't come easy, I had to go through the fear. I had to learn that all I can do in life is just be truthful about my feelings. The outcome is never in my control. I am to focus on the feelings. And this takes practice. To me, its a way of living in honesty, and some will like it, some won't.
But yeah, the narcs never liked us in the first place so we are never to give way to them now. Its too bad you see the look in your relatives eyes. I think we are a rare thing coming out of narcissistic parenting the way we did.
Wow that sounds like a bad dream. Sorry you dealt with that. I believe one can see the soul in the eyes and for some it doesn't look so good. I find myself hoping that was just a very bad photograph of my nephew, but I am unsettled to say the least. Ugh about being told you are "snotting" your nose. I suppose that is a commonality among narcs where they hate crying and expression of emotions. Mine would get very angry too. I agree about living authentically with our feelings. I agree they never liked us. I wonder how I became me, coming out of that whole mess. I am surprised at the ACONs with good hearts, and souls that escape these monsters.
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