Watching the Boats go by

This picture was taken by me the other day, I was watching the boats go by which is a summer activity I will indulge in from time to time.  I'm not one to actually GO on the boat but don't mind watching them. I dream of a trip of some sort.  Maybe I should save money and Grey Hound it somewhere but the body and it's needs definitely are in the way.  I have recently felt restless. This one friend was driving north and I would have asked her to go with but I know me being in a car for 6 hours probably would mean the hospital because of my legs and I have 20 dollars on me, so that's not going to buy too many meals.  Years ago I used to love day trips, and I know I miss them. Our car is too old to really take any but the money to go on them isn't there. At least "at home" there is some stuff to look at. I have two new art shows to go look at this weekend. One is a regional art show.  It's supposed to be cooler and I do make plans for going out. I'm adding the last panels to the comic too. When the comic is done, I need to return to doing some painting again.

Rerun

Three years ago:

Sister: There is a '98 Chrysler mini van waiting for ownership by you and [my husband] in [mother's town].

Last week:

Brother: Hey mom called. Wants to know if you guys want her 99 Chrysler minivan she is going to have it checked out first. call me and i will call you later.

I am NC with brother as well now so need to do a better block on emails and messages. It's creepy as it's almost the same exact words as sister three years later. I even had told my brother, that the first car offer was just to "buy me back" and she never would apologize or make things right.  I told him how much it bothered me. He will do this woman's bidding to the very day he dies, and has sold his soul to her. This was about a rich woman, wanting to "own me". The car we own now and which is already VERY old is a 2003. These are 18 year old cars, they may be in better shape because of her money but even our car has it's oil changed like clockwork.

She buys a new car every few years and brags of spending 40,000 on a new car and owns around 4-5 of them. She has so many cars, I couldn't even picture which ones these were or what color they were. She probably needs a new parking space in her long drive way.

I think too these never were serious offers, because while I am legal to drive, I cannot drive a distance like that to her house. One car is needed to pick up the other. Her message via this is to say "I am trying to help her, look how nice I am!" She knows my fears of being on the bus, it is the same thing over and over again. Using my poverty which she helped set up against me. Like a groundhog day scenario from hell itself. She has endless connections and could have helped with the employment situation instead of sabotaging everything she could along the way. Narcissists won't give any true "help" in terms of a fishing pole to get fish, but just more crumbs.

Same for the ex- "friend" who rose up high in the ranks in the military, her father was a multi-millionaire. She knew we were poor and struggling. Her father had multimillion dollar contracts with the military in his company. Learning about that sure put her skyrocketing promotions to the top in a new light for me. She actually hired government clerks and others all the time. We were willing to move anywhere for a long time. I didn't even pay attention to what was going on until later. I put up with years of bragging about her lauded career.

Anyhow do I want to sell my soul for a very old automobile? No Way! I am not breaking no contact, but it really has exposed to me how she controls my entire family. Three of them tried contacting me this week. I didn't answer the phone or call back. Even Aunt Confused who sent her daughter to call me and make veiled threats about having me "sleep with the fishes" in the lake, who I went no contact two years ago crawled out of the woodwork to make a phone call.  Another cousin called. The timing is too close. She directs their phone calls and when to contact me. It's creepy.

 The depths of this control is why I went no contact with the entire family. I do have concerns about the recent hoovering. It's been three years. I'm not coming back. Why? When people think they can "buy" you and use severe poverty against you. They suck. They need to realize the scapegoat has quit. I'll take the homeless shelter before dealing with their bullcrap ever again. When I go on about money and wishing I had it, this is some of the dynamics playing out. These people all have screwed with me long enough. Remember I spent 6 years of my life WITHOUT a car when I was even sicker. So take their "desire to rescue me" with a grain of salt. I made the right decision going no contact with the entire family.

Remember To Have Fun

One thing in this serious world is remembering to have fun. ACONS need to have fun. I told my husband we need to make sure we take time for some cheap fun.  Even if you have no money, there are things you can do. For the disabled having fun is important too. Sometimes when I get crabby or too serious, I think "I need to go have some fun!" There is nothing wrong with that. They always tell people when they get old, they are to cease having fun. Well forget that! What do you do for fun? The fun things I did this week which had some non-housebound days in it included:

1. Going to thrift store and looking at books.
2. Taking art pictures of boats while sitting on a river front, I will see if any turn out.
3. Watching old movie of Elvis, this movie was one of the more silly ones called Kissing Cousins but it relaxed me to watch it.
4. Reading a book called The Genius of Birds.
5. Writing out birthday cards to a friend.
6. Reading an old comic
7. Online can be fun, but I go read places like Retrospace and Cuteness Overload. Researching topics that interest me.
8. Listening to music
9. Making collages with husband--a shared art project
10. I drew panels of Budgie flying as a bird, picking broccoli in a garden and other comics.
11. I took some walks that were fun and enjoyable.
12. Talked to a Vietnam Vet neighbor out in the apartment yard and we talked about history
13. Colored in adult coloring book.
14. Watched other old movies.
15. Went to the library.

Fat Activists Trying to Prove They Can Exercise Like Thin Athletic People

There's a new trend out there, and Whitney Thore followed it too, where fat activists are getting into exercise and doing 5Ks and proving how "healthy" they are and that by doing so they will "prove" it is great to be fat. I do support fat people and others exercising as best they can and doing what they can, but there is something strange about the constant push for proving yourself worthy as a fat person via "fitness" and athletic events by some fat activists. It seems to be a new and strong trend out there.

Some are claiming one fat activist named Ragen Chastain "cheated" on a 5 K race.

https://truthaboutragen.wordpress.com/2016/06/30/road-to-tempe-2016-ragen-the-cheater/

I don't know if Ragen cheated or not but I can't walk 5 miles. Maybe she got in, wanted to "prove herself" as so much of her blog is centered on proving herself to be a great athlete, knew she was in over her had and gave in to temptation.  I'd be putting my thumb out for a car ride! But something worries me here, what are the exercising until they drop fat activists trying to prove? That being fat doesn't slow one down? That reality doesn't exist? That they have to match everyone else in athletic achievements to be worthy?

And why do the CICO believers always claim all fat people are lying, what part don't they GET that even fat people who bang their heads on the wall to go feel the burn, and LIVE the lifestyle they are often told to go live like running 5 Ks often are fighting a losing battle with their own bodies!

I had this discussion at that website:

ME: I am confused as to why these large fat people feel they have to compete in races to prove themselves worthy. I have spoken about some of the healthism in size acceptance. It seems there is some dishonesty in their desire to “prove that they are like everyone else”.

I can’t walk a mile even perhaps a block on a good day and it used to be a lot less then that. I walked some yesterday, and had a ton of errands to do on a non-housebound day and my stage IV Lipedema kicked my butt and gave me horrible pain–I swell up terrible from exertion and could barely walk by the end of the day with severe pain. Everyday for me is forcing myself to get through in pain. There are women with high stage Lipedema who end up in nursing homes and wheelchair bound through no fault of their own. The whole exercise and lose weight thing gets subverted on it’s head with this severe disorder. This is a trap I would not wish on my worse enemy. Lipo-lymphedema means all exertion makes my body swell up with fluid.

I believe Whitney Thore has some horrible physical endocrine or other condition, with PCOS can come androgen and other disorders. I don’t know what she eats, but it seems her love for movement and exercise would be taking weight off.

My concern about Ragen is this whole “fat and healthy” thing at all costs. The whole “Im going to compete in a triatholon” bothers me! She’s trying to prove something that is simply not true.

I am looking into joining a gym for the medically fragile hopefully finances will not be a barrier and even there I fear more swelling and bad outcomes but I try. I have done physical therapy to even KEEP walking and yesterday some woman came up to me in shock I can even walk, I was walking through an Aldis I didn’t use to be able to walk in, being told, WOW I am glad you are so brave to keep going. LOL Lady you don’t know the half of the story. She was nice so I don’t blame her.

I wish the fat logic and healthy thin crowd would understand that not all bodies work the same, and many of us have tried to exercise and eat healthy with no where near the same results. The promise of CICO is failing many of us but we just get called liars. Perhaps some of you should ask why are people like Whitney Thore and Ragen holding so much weight on with their desire to exercise all the time?

and I wish that the fat and “I want to walk 5 miles” and prove I’m just like thin people crowd, would get a clue too. Weight does slow people down. I have taken issue with the likes of Marilyn Wann for years. They can’t claim the fat is NOT holding them back. It’s not reality. There is also the healthism and the underlying message that the only good fatty is the one who can walk in triatholons and who will push themselves until they drop like Whitney Thore. My lungs went before I got fat too.

http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.in/2011/01/health-at-any-size-and-healthism-in.html


CICO BELIEVER: The “promise of CICO” isn’t failing you. You are. Eating less would help your finances, as well as whatever conditions you have. If you can’t affect the calories out then affect the CALORIES IN.

Frankly I don’t care how hard it is for you to put less food in your mouth, do it.


ME: 

I did, it’s not working.

You all adhere to that like a religion. Look at those women, one even danced until she collapsed and ended up in the hospital. They are still fat. Why isn’t the exercise burning any of the fat off? Even if they “overeat” and I don’t know what either eat, shouldn’t it be HELPING the CICO equation?

” Perhaps some of you should ask why are people like Whitney Thore and Ragen holding so much weight on with their desire to exercise all the time? ”

——-

ANOTHER CICO BELIEVER:

Well, for people like Ragen and Whitney it’s because they are both liars and don’t exercise *nearly* as much as they claim. Whitney was a normal weight until her mom stopped cooking her meals. PCOS doesn’t cause that much weight gain, and it also doesn’t cause her to eat a bucket of ice cream as she did on the show. Ragen is just pathological.

It’s true that there are many reasons why people gain weight, or find it hard or impossible to lose it. And yes, that is often overlooked by the fit crowd, especially if they young and healthy themselves. It is frustrating, I get that. I have severe upper back problems myself and it limits everything I do in life, including exercise.

But the reality is that it’s people like Whitney and Ragen and the HAES crowd that are making it difficult for people who do actually have something physically limiting them. They are so loud and so obnoxious that they are warping the whole size acceptance discourse into a fight between fat and fit, with nothing in between and no nuances left. That’s the real shame.

CICO BELIEVER:
Other than those with Prader-Willi or some other mental incompetence there is no reason any person cannot lose weight. Eating less is not some sort of “journey”. It’s something you do because you realize it would be beneficial and then you just do.

These people are phonies but people who believe that they can’t lose weight aren’t any less delusional.

ME:
Sure [I meant to write some here] people can lose weight but keeping it off is another matter. I’m more then 200 down from my peak and have been for over 10 years but I’m still fat. Who would choose to be fat? You act like everyone’s body is the SAME.

ME:
That seems like an extraordinary weight gain just from having someone not cooking for you anymore. When she was a teen, wasn’t she out with friends or buying things in the school cafeteria? Wouldn't she have an eating disorder making her fat if that was her real problem by her teens? PCOS does cause massive weight gains in it’s more severe forms like Hair-An syndrome. She may need androgen blockers, thyroid pills and a full hormonal workup. I have PCOS, [many women with Lipedema can have multiple hormonal disorders including two thyroid disorders in my case]. I hope she isn’t pigging out on camera, I see a show here or there, but none showed eating except once which was some gross banana sandwich. Didn’t she live at home eating the same meals as her thinner parents?

There’s many people failing to lose weight in USA society, 60 percent of the populace. It’s getting worse too and while I have a “rare fat disorder” which Lipedema is in this stage, something more is going on with everyone. I see people getting fatter and see more people at my super-size, when I was a rare bird in the 1990s.. I think the problem is bigger then everyone failing in personal responsibility. I don’t like the HAES crowd for their denial but I am sick of people calling fat people liars and devaluing their experiences like look how [CICO BELIEVER] clings to his ideology like a religion, you lazy fatties can all lose weight. Between two sides, everyone gets fatter and sicker. You are right about the nuances being lost.

Telling people eat less is failing. These women are failing to lose weight even with shown displays of extreme exercise. Something more is going on. Even if Whitney and Ragen ate a lot, shouldn’t all the exercise at least be holding some of the degree of weight gain at bay? Do you believe they are making up the activity levels?

ANOTHER COMMENTER:

Yes they are lying about their activity levels . Whitney may feel she is burning a lot of calories that doesnt make it true.

Ragen is purposely lying as evidenced right here. She did not complete a 5k, she cheated. Intentionally. With the help of another fat person who claims to be active.

Both are still consuming enough calories to remain fat, regardless of the accuracies of their activity levels.

ME:
Dee why is the response to fat people always that they are lying? You have no proof of what they eat or don’t eat. I see two women who seem overly focused on doing activities usually restricted to the thin and healthy, surely this is bringing more burning of calories then sitting at home on the couch. If one cheated, and I don’t know if she did or not, then it sounds like she knew she was in over her head. So what’s happening? Perhaps CICO isn’t as firm of a foundation as you think.

There is some major irony to me here. Fat activists want to be like everyone else, go and try and exercise doing running events and others usually limited to the thin and healthy but at the very least midsized or under people in very good shape.  I am all for people exercising as much as they can and with balance but here we see a tip of the scale to trying to prove themselves at any cost to prove success in athleticism.  There seems an extreme push among some of these size activists to prove they can do everything the same thin people can. The reality is they hit endless walls of physical limitations from their obesity. We see those limitations on Whitney Thore's show in full view.

Exercise is supposed to burn calories. They are trying. For some reason, the above exercise is not having the same effect on their bodies in burning calories. Ragen's blog is full of endless stories of exercise, bicycle riding, marathons, this is not someone who did one walk in a year. She got in the public eye for DANCING. She speaks of training for iron mans and more. Same for Whitney Thore, she's active almost in every show I've seen. She got famous for being a DANCER which takes practice and above exercise. They are both still fat. Whitney is entering the supersizes at around 360lbs and Ragen, I believe is still midsized in the upper 200s, though I see some weight changes in her pictures.

Calling fat people liars who obviously are ATTEMPTING exercise, seems a bit dishonest. I worry about the fact fat activists are so into trying to prove to the world their bodies are just like everyone else and the false myth that fat bodies especially over a certain size range are "healthy" in the same way and I worry about the CICO believers, who just yell at all fat people even ones dedicated to extreme exercise as all being LIARS. Our society is so screwed up. The religion of CICO and ideology of extreme size acceptance collide! 

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Generation Gap Discussion of Peep and Her Friends

 The generational warfare has been used by the elites forever. Archie who is a Baby Boomer cartoon character, had his own "generation gap". Money and financial differences weren't the difference then, but changing views in society. So yeah they were doing it even then. I was thinking more about the Baby Boomer discussion.

And I decided to talk about this issue with some friends on social media not using any names. How does one avoid the anger, resentment and envy but still talk about the realities of the economic collapse on one's self and its worsening for younger people? The constant money pressures for so long, are part of this picture. I know even as I write about the some of these economic realities, approaching this issue in a more fair way is needed. If I was a poor  or other baby boomer reading Generation X me railing about the "damn baby boomers", I may be annoyed too, so I took this discussion to friends. 

Here are snippets the discussion:

 ME: I have said some negative things about baby boomers. However I know there are poor baby boomers and baby boomers innocent of wrong doing. Do any baby boomers look at younger generations and think their lives are being destroyed? I hate what is being down to millennials and what has happened to Generation X. Why don't people protest what is being done to young people? Instead they are brainwashed by tales of "entitlement" and media stories saying the younger people deserved it. Generation X paid a high enough price and now millennials are getting it worse. I am disgusted.

 FRIEND: Me

 ME: I knew you were a boomer who knew and admitted younger generations were being destroyed.

 FRIEND: I am that baby boomer.

 ANOTHER FRIEND: As a sociology person who finds studies on tendencies to be interesting, I am never in favor of lumping an entire generation together and shaking one's finger at an entire population. It's like the study done that indicated that there is a huge issue of narcissism in the Generation X and Millennials population...I'm sure it doesn't speak for everyone in those groups.

FRIEND: We are are sorted by many things in society. Our peer group in this example is what I understood. Mine is babyboomer by virtue of when I was born. Their's may be Gen X or what ever the lable given to their peer group.

 FRIEND: Divided by generation or separated...

 ME: Yes the powers that be can use these divisions too.

 ANOTHER FRIEND: Don't forget when looking the studies on categories....Just because the sales of ice cream and the rate on crime both go up in the same month, doesn't mean that one causes the other.

THIRD FRIEND: We'll have to agree to disagree on the generation thing, but here's a quote from the article that sums it up: "But it is worth noting that plenty of older Americans share the same struggles as their younger peers. Many older people laid off in the recession were unable to regain good jobs. There are plenty of older people with few retirement savings, with their finances drained from paying for both elderly parents and jobless children. We need to acknowledge the way our struggles are intertwined, instead of allowing the media to stoke manufactured class and generational resentment."

ME: It's true they are out there too, and losing jobs and lay offs as well. LOL very true. Gen X and rest will be blamed one day. I wonder if some of the baby boomers got wore out protesting too.

THIRD FRIEND:There's also a saying, "be the change you want to see." GX & M need to stand up and fight if they want change. Stop being brainwashed. .... Just like race baiting, it's just another tool to keep the people divided and fighting each other, so those in charge (old and young) can continue to live off us like leeches.

A Road Less Traveled

I don't agree with Scott M. Peck on everything, but his books kept me going. One important book I wrote about was People of the Lie, I read that book at 18 and believe it saved my life. I also own A Road Less Traveled and read it at an even younger age for the very first time. When I read the line, "Life is difficult." it blew my mind. He summed up many truths about life. Accepting responsibility is a good thing but here too we have problems in life that are solvable and others that are not. Love is separateness makes sense too, treating people like only reflections of yourself is something narcissists do. Relationships must allow each person to be their own individual. "Don't expect your child to be just like you". The clingy stuff ruins relationships, where people want to enmesh with each other. "Honesty is freedom" is also a great summation of a Road Less Traveled.

Getting Revenge Is Always a Bad Idea

One thing to remember is if you "fight" back, the narcissists can use it. While being no contact all these years, the best response is silence. No more angry letters, or telling anyone off. There's nothing more to say and if I said what I was feeling, it would just dig the holes deeper.  I realized with the family, I would never be heard, and while I attempted positive relationships free of any discussion of the narcissists, it was impossible, especially given the fact, many were serving as enablers and messenger boys and girls. I said angry words to my brother 4 months many of which were true before I went no contact with him, but it was just basically shouting to the wind. With narcissists, you always lose. The only way to win is not to play the game. There is no "winning" here, that is why I "quit".

I am being majorly hoovered again. It is another attempt to "buy me" using my immense financial pressures, and my brother basically wrote me the same exact words as my sister did three years ago which was shocking and dismaying on another level. The refusal to "let me just go in peace" has given me deep concern especially this many years in and this soon after my aunt's funeral which I did not attend. I am attempting to not write about them or even think about them so much but was blowing off some steam online. My emails and PMs need stronger blocking as well.

When I was young, I was not a Christian yet and well raised in the crucible of the narcissists there was plenty of fleas to dealt with. On a message board when someone asked "What was your biggest act of defiance against your narcissists?" I did a new post about the time I went to my sister's wedding dressed up in a goth outfit wearing black lace, lace on my head and buckles on my shoes and goth signia. While there was some outraged looks at the start, my sister was not crying in the corner. My parents told me I "ruined" the wedding, but I was just on the peripheral.  The wedding proceeded as planned.  Today the outfit I wore probably would barely draw attention but back then wearing black alone to a wedding was a giant faux paus. I probably wrote too gleefully about this day, remember this was my act of defiance in "fighting back". My sister had joined in the abuse with my parents and done so for a long time.

A board opposed to the ACON message board posted against me and said, I was a horrible person in trying to ruin my sister's wedding. The guy running it is some sort of financial advisor who seems like a narcissist himself ready to dance on the pain of ACONs, and telling them that they are "weak". They said it was very narcissist. I didn't do it for attention, and really didn't get any.  It was the way I thought of standing up at the time. The blow to my self esteem was so immense in being told "I'd ruin the pictures from being so fat". These messages were multiple that year. Remember the credit card that was stolen from me? It was used for wedding expenses. I was angry. Twenty-five years ago, I didn't know how to channel it properly.

To the people I was dealing with I was a fly speck and my act of defiance didn't change that. The me of today, would tell someone about to wear black to wedding, just stay home, that would send a "stronger" message especially since you are about to go "no contact" like I did that first time. One thing if you are dealing with evil people and wrestle in the mud with them, the mud will splatter on you. It's always better to just get away. Some of us to become the person we are meant to become, we have to walk from the entire family system and confront our fleas. My family never brought out the best in me but the worse. In that way alone, it was best to depart.