Wednesday, March 20, 2013
"You Just Don't Want to Lose Weight!"
I had this happen the other day, a Facebook argument that was bad the people [friends of a friend who I do not know in person] told me "you are lazy and just don't want to lose weight. You have given up trying." Every fat person probably can attest to this, especially those of us who step off the diet or diet hamster wheel. I didn't realize the conversation would go so badly, both parties THEMSELVES were fat up in the 250-300lb range, but what I have said before about some indoctrinated to always hate those who are fatter then them? One mocked me even for having lost weight too slowly, when I said I had lost 100lbs over the last 5 years! 200lbs off since the peak weight means nothing if you are still fat.
The relative whose wall this argument was on took it down in my defense which I was glad for. If someone is fat, they understand the invalidation. To be frank invalidation of that fat is one reason the obesity research is FAILING in my book. If the person from a certain malady is deemed a liar from the start how can the research be honest? Most do not believe you.
I had to come to accept this, to get around in the world. When I had my weight gain, I remember telling everyone how and why I gained the weight. I am open about things on this blog where a degree of anonymity protects me but out in the world, do such a thing and say it to near strangers, and 99% of people outside of your close friends who see how you live, eat and act will just call you crazy. People believe what the media tells them. In fact his is one of the worse things about being fat, the ones indoctrinated into calories in, calories out, see your fat flesh, or in my case the hundreds of lbs of fluid included, as supposed proof you are liar. Even if you tell people I almost died from a weight gain, where doctors would not listen and then got help, that allowed at least some weight loss, they will not care.
The fat person becomes enemies with their own body. This happened to me. I struggle now, seeing my body as the enemy even today. Even today I was sitting here at 11:00 am, feeling hunger pains hit my body. Knowing it was too early for lunch and if I ate this early I'd end up eating too much food today just out of hunger, the math projects never end for some of us. This time the hunger pain went away without any food but it doesn't always. My heart is already kind of speeding up. Would the thin diet or die crowd even understand? No, they never do.
There are OTHER things I'd like to attend to then my body all the time. It's medical demands are wearing me out. I feel like I have to run my own self-nursing home, watch the pressure sores, time for bath, time for pills, time for physical therapy, time to chop vegetables, because everything I could buy ready made is horrible, time for laying down to control water--would you all believe me if I said at least 5 hours a day are devoted to something regarding my body?
Even if you have gotten to a place of realizing fat is just an attribute, out in the world, we are seriously faced with those who hate us just for existing. No amount of effort if one is "still fat" is deemed enough. Not only do we have to deal with our bodies betraying us, but this becomes a double-edged sword when society decides to get their chimes in. Yeah these people were jerks, but the problem is when you have years of choruses of jerks all joining together. It gets tiring thinking, someone will understand or there can be some true discussion only to get the knee-jerk brainwashed responses. I thought the day having a cousin defend drone warfare in America, and the police state was bad enough but these people took the cake. I told them, "You are still fat! How's the blame and shame game working to make you thin?"
Losing weight is the only way to redemption according to these types. I don't mean losing some weight or a part of the weight but ALL of it given what has been said to me. Imagine that fatness is like a bad back, imagine being looked down on for having your back go out. After all you could have been wearing a back brace, you could have done more exercises to keep your back stronger. This is the same. But society doesn't reject those with bad back, you could have done more exercises to keep your back stronger.
One interesting comment, I received from the two Facebook fat haters, was "you will lose weight when you are ready!", wow don't we all hear that one as if our bodies will magically get in line at our behest. "You have to be the one to do decide to do it!" This constant bulletin contradicts itself. It assumes I have total control over my out-of control body.
My body does a lot of things I do not want it too like forming kidney stones, or deciding a little bit of cold air, will make it's lungs seize up. So supposedly I can tell it what to do when it does so many things I do NOT want it to do? It's like I am supposed to mold from within the iron bar cage that lies on the outside. Such types will tell you "Go work out!" as if your lungs and heart were capable of a full burn without death looming over. None would believe that just doing the short walk I do daily, is done to the point where the lungs burn, and I am coughing.
It also set up a life that would be lived later rather then in the present. I hate my feeling of time is short, like every forced housebound day is keeping me away from making positive memories. Today's cold temperatures forcing me inside feel like the torture of a water faucet dripping the minutes of a otherwise short life away. I have dreams of heaven to give me solace, but days like this, sometimes the unlived life can press so hard. And the worse thing is the feeling that I am somehow to blame for the CAGE so to speak really stinks. Even when housebound, I feel like I am in a race with time, there are things to be done, that time seems to slink away so easily. I am not sure if this is fatigue, or the propensity of multiple hobbies and projects or what? Even writing on this blog is a project of getting out my truth while I STILL CAN.
How many fat people though who still are functional and can DO things, though always have this idea, I'll wait til I'm thin, and push off things they could do. If I had money, I would not be home right now, I know I would be DOING things. I would take a trip into warmer temperatures, where I could go and function and live life, go look at things and DO things, fat or not.
But who understands? A few close friends do, but the world does not. This renders fat people voiceless, and invalidated. I notice even on the websites, of fat professionals who even seem interested in helping a bit, that there is always this feeling, that they assume the fat body works the same or there is always a locus of control over obesity, that is so complete. Sorry it just does not exist in my world, and I don't care if people tell me til the cows come home, that I am just making excuses, or "don't want to lose weight" or any of their other loads of garbage they choose to pile on me. Fat people get tired of being told they are not worthy on so many different levels. Even if I woke up 150lbs tommorow it would have come too late, for me to not have the feeling of what was all this for?
The funny thing is while one is aware of the true nature of how an almost 500lb person and used to be almost 700lb person is approached with different reactions from different people. The question does remain, "how would I be treated at a more normal weight"? I have seen changes from pound to pound. The fat haters refused to listen, all us fat people have been down that road before. Treated as though you are invisible. I knew even prior to my huge weight gain, once upon a time when in class or other situations my words may have been paid tribue too, now they weighed heavily in the air, only to sink and be unanswered. The size acceptance world with a few notable exceptions has deemed me too fat to be worthy of mention, or notice or listening to what I have to say. So far more then just the "thin" world is guilty of the invalidation that goes along with fatness. Fat but still active and mobile, you are okay, fat to the level you need the scooter and can barely get up, your views are ignored. It is a cruel joke to tell fat people, "you just don't want to lose the weight" or you are lazy, etc.
This blog has shown over and over for years that weight loss efforts are bound for failure, and there are far more factors impacting people's weight then just personal responsibility, but for some reason this is going unheard by the general populace. Size acceptance as I have illustrated in their other side of the coin delusions, has failed to change people's beliefs about obesity. What will? If there is no truth, no honesty, no reporting from fat people themselves ALLOWED or LISTENED TO, do they expect to get a handle on the obesity epidemic, NO they never will! Things will not change for fat people in fact I expect them to get worse, as our food becomes more adulterated, life more stressful, and toxic.
I wasted too many years hating myself for being fat. I refuse to blame myself anymore. I tried my best, surrounded by the economic factors I faced, and the rest. I never wanted to be this fat and still do not. I do not want to wake up everyday anymore with that feeling of I have failed at life, that the lacks are all my fault. This is something that has been imposed on me from the outside. I actually prayed to God before, "you will know what I did and did not do".
I am very fat, the weight may be on a downward trajectory now but I know one little thing could upset it from more steroids needed for lungs, loss of mobility, or being told I have to go off a drug that helps my heart--keeps more water off and also androgens down for the sake of one that may dissolve a kidney stone. Telling fat people you are all liars, isn't going to help anyone. Telling fat people, "you just don't want to lose weight" and have "chosen" this is wrong as well. America gets fatter as their fat people are silenced, ignored, and invalidated. An overall sign of a declining culture. My wish for fat people all over the world is that they stand up for themselves, refuse ill treatment, educate people and say it is NOW TIME TO LISTEN. Your ways are FAILING.