Friday, June 27, 2014
The Never Ending Criticism of the Fat Lady
Something is happening to me now as a result of no contact. I told a support group today that something is changing in me since I went "no contact" and not all change is easy but the de-programming from the family cult is in full mode. I feel like perhaps this is a brick wall I am finally going to bust through on to the other side.
Imagine you are me. There you stand in supersized circus lady fat land. For most of you this means pouring 300 plus lbs of weight on to you. Two wrapped, mummified legs, that make you look like you are standing on marble pedestals, you wobble a bit when you walk, a large brown hearing aid in your left ear, psoriasis spots all over your body, and dark spots from high androgens in other places. Your teeth are straight and you managed to avoid the curse of acne but let's just say you stand out a bit in public. You are not normal, you do not fit in. You dress well, but the years of staring eyes have taken their toll.
You are an Aspie, which makes you shy and socially incompetent on top of everything else.You are broke enough that your fridge often empties out, some of your clothes date back prior to 9-11 and you live in the lowest socioeconomic class right above the homeless.
When you are a big fat woman, the criticism never ends. After all, society backs up your critics. By their thinking, only BAD people are hugely fat. You did something to deserve it.
And there is the world telling you every spare minute....You must eat this to be thin. You are not doing enough. You are not dieting right. You are not exercising enough. You must be more. You must achieve. You don't measure up. You must meet this checklist of beauty, personal achievements and relationships to be rendered worthy.
If you do all this the "right way", all your hideous scary health problems will disappear as well as all your financial problems. Some will take things a step further and tell you that you must be a bad, wicked, demonized/faithless, lazy person to be so sick and with so many troubles. Trust me I have heard them all. In one church, one woman pushed me to go to a faith-healer for years.
I know today I have to avoid people who want to CHANGE me or think they can FIX me. Being super-fat can set that up for you. Some people see you as someone to "change" and even if many are well-meaning and want to free you from your desperation, from my experiences "project" friendships usually vaporize once enough time passes and the woeful body has not cooperated yet.. I do have good friends including local ones who love me for myself, but these other experiences have caused me some serious pain.
And then add to this, the decades of verbal pounding from the family.
Anyone who wants me passing their tests, and gives me goal posts to hop over to prove worthiness tires me out. I had enough of that growing up.
My parents told me I was a loser. Told I was ugly, never would get marry, was too fat, disgusting, a disgrace, a monstrosity, an embarrassment to the point my mother hasn't eaten a meal out with me or dared to be seen in public with me since 1994, my last year of near normalcy and that I was poor and sick because it was my fault. What did that do to me?
How many people are so abused and have their souls murdered by people like this? When you are young, you don't have other voices helping to drown the negative ones out. You have not formed your identity yet, you are finding yourself. This right here is the extreme pain of those who are scapegoated.
My narcs made criticism an extreme art form. Coming from the perspective that they were perfect, I -could no right. They claimed superiority while they did nothing but nit-pick and fault-find. I do not miss this not at all! I don't need some woman staring down her nose at me, acting like she is better then me for her house, money and thinner body! As a child it was so wrong, that everyday I woke up to extreme verbal warfare and contempt. This ranged from being told that my laugh was annoying to being told that no one liked me. Sometimes I wonder how I survived, being told in so many ways I was no good. Even when they couldn't find something wrong that was blatant, they would then complain about nits, like not putting enough ice cubes in their cup or missing a spot of water on the floor or counter. It never ended. If you ever meet someone who micro-manages to the point of absurdity, they do not really care about the speck of dust or the crooked seam, they either are struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder or are using it to mess with you and try and put you in your place.
People like this turn life into misery, everything about cleaning, neatness, perfection, appearance. They squash joy like a bug on the sidewalk!
I fought against all these messages and have real friends and knew of my positive qualities this was the drive that saved me from utter destruction but inside I always felt I was defective and everything was "my fault". So many years of "I'm sorry". So many years waking up wishing I was someone else, someone thin, rich, successful and "deserving" of love. So many years of shame from those who never have felt the emotion and are totally shameless.
So many years of being feeling like I had done everything "wrong" surrounded by people while I was growing up incapable of any introspection. Now is the day I say they were wrong! This is the gift of poison the narcs had handed me and which I have to now stomp on and destroy and refuse to drink. There is such a thing as taking personal responsibility which is a good thing but then carrying the weight of the world on one's shoulders and feeling like you are being called to account for so many things outside of our control does nothing but beat a person down. No longer am I going to answer for my husband's career problems or the choices of other people. I don't want to carry the world's burdens on my shoulders anymore.
How many scapegoats are so burdened? The narcissists programmed us to always be on the alert, always hyper-vigilant to every error, every misspoken word, our very existence was to keep them pleased and from breaking out in a rage. Like little butlers in hell to Satan, we weren't even given orders but prepared to watch for every raised eyebrow for direction. Scapegoats are plagued by self-worth problems. Why wouldn't we be?
Add to that the whole FAT thing, fat people can do no right in a world that does nothing but judges them. How does any of this help? It does not. I wish more fat people would rise up like me and say, "We are sick of it!" Your crap isn't working, now leave me alone!". Maybe some would find out they have medical problems like me, maybe others would be at the weights where they could be active and happy, leaving their critics in the dust! If anything that is something that definitely needs to change in society. Millions of people's lives are being affected in a negative fashion. Lives are being destroyed.
Should fat people be like the scapegoat that never leaves, accepting insults that never end, being beaten down?
I have seen destroyed fat people you know. Head down, self esteem the size of a pin, begging the world to love them or feeling they have to over-compensate to even be allowed to exist. I was told I was crazy, insane, "refusing to help myself" and many other things before I got diagnosed with my hormonal problems and also my lipedema. Fat people like scapegoats are beaten down almost daily, this does not do good things to them. I believe to this day if I had not fought, I would have been dead in 1998. I was near 700lbs and so sick, I could not breathe laying down. Getting away from these narcissists has been fighting for my spiritual and emotional life, just like I fought for my physical life all these years.
I am going to change something here. I don't want to hear the criticism anymore. I will take responsibility for things I can control, try to eat healthiest I can, do my exercises, wrap my legs, pay what bills I can but I am asking myself now, "What is RIGHT with you?" Success doesn't come to those who are ripped down from every angle but from those who can build themselves up!