Monday, February 26, 2018

When You Notice Patterns in How You Were Treated And Change Them

When you are out for several years in no contact, you will ponder some weird stuff. You will notice patterns that escaped your notice before. I still socially struggle in real life but I am doing better on some things. I will explain more in this article.

Online, things are great, I make friends easily and have close ones, some I talk to even almost daily, but in real life while I can get some friendly acquaintances, I am just not close to anyone except my husband. About two years ago, I decided I am going to take the social pressures off, and I just didn't try to make real life friends anymore. This meant doing activities for the sake of the activity and it's enjoyment. Other Aspies have told me, they made this decision too. While there's that feeling of loss, off the Internet why can't I replace the relationships I walked away from, it did make me more far more relaxed about life.

This can be a time of heavy pressure for a scapegoat, and if you have a delayed no contact it can be tough to realize you spent decades being fooled by narcissists and hit this horrible revelation, that the majority of people in your life don't respect you very much. Fixing this can be almost as hard of a process as going no contact to begin with.

 I almost recoiled with horror at how the millionaire friend, and the Army friend treated me the same as my family. I realized other friendship patterns fit the dynamic of the family where an often an older woman "befriended" me and made a project out of me. This happened to me in my younger years and happened to me with that false deliverance minister and in my earlier years when we were living here. These older women did not see me as their equal but someone to fix.  That's a dynamic I nipped in the bud and ended after I went no contact.

 There's probably been a lot of times where I spent crying wondering "what is wrong with me" and hating whatever forces [I lean towards blunt chance since the Christian god in his indifference became a non-entity to me] pulled the levers for the outcome of my life. It was like I and my husband outside of one of his close friends and my online friends ended up on an island somewhere.

There was this friend, I had drop a book off for me for book club. She's my only local friend, beyond people who live farther away, and is a nice friend but we only see each other on occasion. She is a very busy person, has a huge extended loving family that demands her time and energy though she is childless, volunteers a lot, does ministry work for her church. I had been housebound a few weeks at that time. I'm not now as it warmed up this last week. And I asked her to stay, but she replied, "Oh I am so busy, I can't". I don't think she meant harm, and I smiled and nodded as she went on her way out, but I got some strange emotions during this interchange. The feeling of inner rejection bothered me. I learned to hide this stuff years ago. Being clingy does not win one social prices. Needy people scare people away. In her case, she was really busy, since she treats me well at other times, so I was able to calm down. The emotions that arose led me to think about a lot of stuff though.

If I was ever to point to the worse thing Queen Spider cursed my life with, it wouldn't be the being hit, or the feelings of unsafety that led to PTSD, or the constant Cinderella housework, or the constant being screamed at, it would be this feeling of inner rejection. The life long feeling that I don't belong anywhere. It is hard to describe it. The word summing it up: REJECTION. This probably is the worse inheritance people receive from narcissistic parents.

I realize now that this is what led to some very painful times, and depression. When I lost my last community, a place where people talked more openly even though later I moved away from their conservative beliefs, that was very painful. People who live their lives feeling no sense of kinship or acceptance among any group do pay a very painful price.

Remember how the family always rejected me? They still hoover me now. And no it's not real letters or offers to reconcile or anything like that, just more disrespectful one liners or the weirdness this January of my mother sending my husband a birthday card. We just threw it all in the trash. They are intent to keep "track" of me even this many years in. It's creepy and it's so fake. I also think too, they HAD THEIR CHANCE. I am not a sap!

The constant messages I got from them all was CONSTANT REJECTION, and where they announced they were "TOO BUSY". It was weird, I noticed this pattern. The way I was treated was always as unimportant. I was always "last in line" behind everyone else, and "low priority". When I analyzed things it was across the board.  I made this list some time ago. I was cleaning out old emails from my always ever-stuffed email accounts, and I noticed the pattern of rejection. It was right in front of my eyes. Just like the emails I saved to remind me never to crawl back. This list reminded me of patterns to break and things to change in my life to make it better. 

Now keep in mind as you read the below. I lived 75-250 plus miles from all parties and only contacted them a few times a year, once every 2-3 months at most. Several I only contacted about once a year.

" Cousin: We went up later in the afternoon after having lunch with my dad. And we could only stay a few hours, because I needed to get the kids back to my ex wife last night. It wasn't anything planned. I didn't know how long I was going to be in town, so when it turned out that I got all of Thanksgiving day off, we decided to go up to see your mother."

"Brother:"What email? The messages you sent above? Been too busy with Christmas and my van being in the shop and having to get the car repaired (needs new inner tie rods) and paying bills and buying food, and ------ having doctor appointments, and the boys mom hot water heater, washer dryer and......."

Brother: The only reason I don't talk as much to anyone (youre not the only one I haven't seen any of my friends in months!) is because Im so damn busy running a business, taking care of personal stuff and dealing with Dumbass (his ex-wife}


Brother: I am very fucking busy. Sorry that I you don't understand that but if you don't that's your problem not mine. You have no clue what it is like to RUN YOUR OWN BUSINESS. It requires a lot more than 40 hours a week. But I do it because I love it. But again with business and personal things that keep me busy everyday I don't have much time to do what I want. Fuck I haven't played golf in 3 fucking years! But I'm not complaining mind you I just had to adjust my priorities."

 Referring to Aunt Scapegoat {who ignored my letters and cards of 2009-2012 and blew me off for several years). I believe she lied to the cousin now and gaslighted him about me now.

Cousin: She wasn't angry at you or anything - I think she just didn't want too much contact with people. If I called her more than once a month, she tended to not answer - though she always welcomed a visit once in a while.


"I've had times when I stopped by unannounced and she just didn't answer the door (and that worried me so I called our uncle, and he said that's just how she is, and she's fine). I called her last week and left a message, which she never returned. She was tired a lot, and I just tried to respect that. I told her a few months ago that I thought you were wondering if she was mad at you. She said she wasn't, and didn't even know why you might think that. She told me some fond stories about you."

Other cousin:

"I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. I just get so busy and then I don't know what to say."

"We didn't have time to stop by your apartment. My days are spent on what needs done next. ______ has a visit to the dentist this morning to fill a naturally formed divit in her molar. Ouch! she'll be numb for a while. Before she sees the Ortho. in two weeks. ________starts band camp next week. We did meet yesterday to retrieve ________ 300 miles from point 'A' only to end up at point 'A' it was a long day. We were just too pressed for time to stop by."

[I live only half a mile off that route and hadn't seen nieces and nephews in two years at the time]

Sister Again:
" Thanksgiving we are visiting _______ in ________who never see them either but maybe once year. My in laws are still fortunate to travel 1,000 miles to visit WI. We need to go see _parents before they age too much and cannot enjoy the kids.

Sister Again:

"We are pressured by time. It seems there is never enough. Not an excuse I know. But the kids especially four at once visiting you _________ would be too tiring. Traveling is always a gamble you don’t know what is ahead of you. The kids are usually starting school the next day and they do get exhausted coped up in a car so we make the trip quickly."

[I lived 250 miles away from her, she was driving on a highway less then half a mile from my apartment, and there wasn't even even time for a ten minute visit: I had not seen the kids in two or three years at this time]


"Sorry we didn't stop, but we were tired and knew we had to get home to get unloaded and to church. We also had to drive to _________on Sunday to pick up _________from the airport who has stayed with us this week. We take him back to ________ to fly home. He spent the last couple of days with his aunt ______________."

[she took a year to respond to an email, I wrote "Did you get my email?" this was my response, I had gone no contact then with the first set of people.


"The fact is I just saw your email tonight. You can believe that if you want but it is a fact. I'm working very hard at school and have a class of more than 30 kids. Being my first year back has been a challenge. I do not have time to comment on many of the points you have made properly this time. I can say that I'm sorry and sad you feel the way you do."

Other cousin:

"I'm sorry for not replying. I saw your email but haven't made time to read through it yet. I'm not much for keeping up a correspondence with people, so don't take it personally. I will try to make the time to read and respond to you in the next week." [he never did]

Notice the pattern? When I went no contact, years ago, there was so much to change. I realized as I noticed this pattern, that I was running and begging to these people for their notice, attention and love far too long. It sent up a very negative pattern in my life. It needed breaking. I don't want people like this in my life, and would rather be alone. Sure real friends get busy, or behind online correspondence but this treatment was something else. It is to be avoided like the plague.

Sadly for years I thought I was the problem as people treated me with the above disrespect and rudeness. They all acted like they were doing me a favor to talk to me at all. Today the me of today, would say; "No thanks, don't let the door hit you on the way out". I don't think I am the problem anymore. I don't waste time on people like this anymore. They had their chance. One cannot force people to love or care about you either. If you are in the mode of where you have to "prove" yourself, it's already over. 

I told my husband and close friends online some odd stuff, I said, "I don't want to have to sell myself anymore or work to be noticed" If I am feeling that strain in relationship I am going to step out. I realized too seeking validation via people was a dead end. It's a trap I feel into. This is a trap ACONs have to be very careful of. It leads to depression and expectations where you always feel let down. It worsens relationships instead of improving them.

Queen Spider would harangue me saying, "No one likes you" and like a mean girl in the movie Heathers would tell me how "popular" she was while telling me I had no friends. It was better to just try and enjoy one's life and let the chips fall where they may when it came to friendship. I wasn't going to run after people anymore or beg for their notice or visits like I did with my family. Changing some of these patterns did bring me a lot more peace in life.

One thing that can happen to scapegoats, is that they end up with a life full of narcissists and people who disrespect them. The cleaning out process is not easy. It can take several years. You realize you don't want to take abuse anymore. You don't want to go begging. It's time to break the pattern. I did grow stronger feeling more okay about life, and no longer blaming myself. I saw these patterns, and realized the depths of what had been done and what happened. I adjusted expectations too enjoying activities and people I met at those same activities as too. It made things more relaxed for me and for others.

I realized that I met strangers online [some who would later become close friends] who offered me far more love, support, notice and validation then any relatives or family members. There was no loving support or treatment among the so called "family". I blamed myself for this failure for far too long, always thinking it was something "I did" but I realize now it was all their choice.

One thing when people tell us, "I love you, or I wish we could see each other more, and then follow it up with, "I am too busy, I just do not have time to...... or constant excuses, the fact is that person is lying. All these family members were lying to me. The gaslighting hit huge levels too when I was told an aunt that had refused to answer emails and cards for three years was "fond of me".  One friend told it to me blunt, when I showed her this pattern and list some time ago, "Your family doesn't respect you." Do not keep people in your life who have no respect for you.

Many ACONs will work for a long time on relationships that are toxic not realizing they are all completely one sided. It does make people feel like failures and a bad people. Breaking this pattern is very important for an ACON who goes no contact and wants to be completely free. It can be a scary process leaving such a high number of relationships. I don't regret ending several friendships I have ended. My self esteem has improved and my anxiety has as well. Do not keep people in your life, who make you feel always like you are last on the list, a low priority, or make you feel like a failure. I and my husband had a discussion the other day, where I said, "I am so relieved I don't have to plead with these people for love or anything anymore", and he said he was relieved too. The burden has been cast off.  Even with my other struggles life definitely can become more meaningful and peaceful.


  1. Dear Peeps, sometimes it just stuns me how people can be so vicious. Why??? Cause they're frigging arsewipes! That's why. The worst thing about narcy people is, even after moving on, i have no desire to get close to people. My husband worries about me sometimes, for being such a loner - and being f-i-n-e fine with it. While i don't believe Christian introvert is an oxymoron, i know there's a thin line there. However, churchians have run off more than a few introverts. Peeps, all that hand-clapping is too often a bunch of noise - and the Lord gets annoyed by it. The Lord knows i'm a mess, and so i have no desire to play happy-clappy games.

    1. Yes there's people out there who are total asswipes and there's no changing them. I don't know how I couldn't end up with one "nice" one to talk to but I guess that's what I ended up with and have to deal with reality. Understand becoming a loner. Outside my husband and online friends, I now find it hard to get close to anyone either, so understand someone else in that position. It's rough.

      One thing occurred to me since leaving Christianity, is I never had one close friend in it, sure some people were friendly, helpful and nice. I ate dinner at their houses even at the first IFB church, but a lot of that "fellowship" is all fake. You can't be real, everyone is trying to be "holy" for God and have good appearances. Honestly being free of that now I hope my in real life social fortunes improve.

  2. Hi Peep,

    This post really hit home for me. I can totally relate to your treatment by those who are supposed to love and care for you the most, at least by society's basic standards. It wasn't until I had my first child in my late thirties that I had the courage to leave my FOO behind for good.

    Although I am not perfect, who is, I do truly apologize to my children say, for example, we're late and I'm stressed and I may raise my voice when they are not listening after the 5th time of nicely asking. They know they can say, "Mommy, that hurt my feelings, and they KNOW, I will validate their feelings no matter what the context (being late, stressed), I will bend down and ask them to forgive me, that I'm sorry. They also come to me when they hurt my feelings out of frustration or bad mood..they always come to me and say, "Mommy, please forgive me." And I hug them and say, "I do." I'm trying to model validation and humility with my children, something I have never once received from my Nm and my NFOO.

    By validating their feelings/reality, and by showing humility, I'm trying to model to my children an expectation of what normal behavior looks like, especially by those who say they love them.

    By contrast, Peep, we were taught invalidation, denial of reality (gas lighting), to just "get over it" and came to think being treated like shit was normal thus set up for future abuse outside the family as well as inside.

    We will never change the perceptions of the hive-mind relatives, even if God-smacked with evidence and truth. No matter what we accomplished in this life, they will always see us the way our narc abusers do, less-than. One cousin, who is 12 years older than me, keeps calling me "kiddo" in recent emails, even though I'm in my mid-40's.

    I say especially so when we "make it" by society standards. I say this truly humbly, that we are successful and blessed, been married almost 20 years to a man who is very respected businessman, who is wise, who has discernment. If I was who they say I am/was, who they want people to believe that I am/was - crazy, a monster, you name it - this man would have left me.

    On contrary, the golden child in my FOO, is on her third marriage and morphs into so many persona's over the years - yuppy/preppy, sex pot, then country cow girl. Someone who hated animals her whole life, I mean dispised them, now has a dog she "loves" in pics on Facebook. I surmised that her 3rd husband loves animals. Ironically, I was the one who from birth loved animals.

    I asked God every day from 2011 - onwards, "Please open their eyes to the truth," hoping one or two relatives would wake up and tell me the truth finally; tell me that they are sorry for believing N's lies. But I'm starting to think now that the whole thing is a lost cause, that they whole family, not just Nm & Ngolden sister, are the problem. That re-establishing any relationships, or getting some real answers, is a pipe dream.

    I love you Peep. God Loves You, too. You Matter More Than You Know!!!!

  3. Thanks anon, I am glad you broke the cycle with your own children and it's sad you had to face the same treatment by your own family.

    Wow I am glad you apologize to your children and have a good relationship with them. My mother and father never apologized to me once in my entire life. That means you will have real relationships with them. You are modeling good behavior and an open and honest relationship.

    Yes we were taught invalidation and denial of reality and to suppress ourselves. I read all these negative comments, "we are so busy" and I realize I was correct to walk away from the whole bunch. Yeah I came too long to accept shitty treatment as being "normal". I agree it set me up for far too much abuse inside the entire family circle and out.

    Sure I spent a couple years telling my side of the story to a few, but they all chose my mother's side and I had no validation whatsoever, I gave up and I walked. You are correct the hive mind does not change. I knew my entire family only saw me through my mother's lens, and even me being right there talking to them was "invisible", I had to quit and walk away from ALL of them I was wasting my time. Wow with your cousin calling you kiddo, that was disrespect. Having a cousin 12 years younger then me, lecture me on "bad behavior" due to your "poor parenting" [having emotions is wrong!] was one of those moments to me. He still backed up the poor parent anyhow. So yes I knew even as I was almost a senior, I was still going to be treated like I was wrong about everything.

    I "never made it" by societies standards but others have told me even if I and my husband grew wealthy, or if I had accomplished more, that I still would be treated this way. I don't doubt that now, sounds like it happened to you even despite your success. I am glad you had a good husband by your side.

    Wow with your golden child, yes I have read those can be stoned out, messed lives and they stay Narc Mommy's golden children no matter what. Sounds like she plays chameleon a bit, are you NC with her and the rest too?

    When I was still a Christian I prayed too for God to answer and let one or two see through the lies or one or two "rebels" especially among the young to break away and listen and give me a voice, but it did not happen. I don't believe in the Christian God anymore or one that gives me personal notice. I still ponder the possibilities of a higher power where the bible would be limited in describing--whatever power made billions of galaxies, but would more technically be an agnostic. Such theological musings and differences are allowed in the UU. I understand your prayers though, I had many like them. I have given up on any waking up out of the dysfunctional system and even have realized even if the main narc died, I could never trust any of them. I didn't like how they saw me, it is something I had to run away from.

    Thanks for your kind and loving words. :)