Saturday, January 2, 2016

Awake for Thirty Hours

                                      [picture source]
The other day the electricity went off, due to an ice storm and I was awake for thirty hours.

I prayed to God multiple times, "Please don't let the lights go out!" and God ignored me. I haven't figured that one out, the lights went black one hour before the wind died. God seems to ignore a lot of my prayers lately.  I'm tired of feeling I am going to get squashed any second.

I have not renounced the Christian faith, taking the Job approach at this point [Job 13:15] but God is hurting my feelings lately as narcissists get endless blessings. There's meaning in martyrship and sacrifice for the faith but there's also a grinding down, that is meaningless. This just seemed like dumping more trauma on a person for no reason. Please God, the Peep needs a break! My nerves are already shot, they don't need shredded even more! Queen Spider has a giant house generator worth thousands that has given her full electricity for a week. What meaning am I to take from all this?

I had the money to cover one night of a very cheap motel, on me, but knew we had to buy food and gasoline in our car to function, so we decided we wait things out in hope the electricity would go on. I would tough things out, which meant NOT sleeping.

If you think electric company "Life-lines", mean anything DON'T!. Yes, I was on one. What a joke!

They worked on 12,000 people in front of me and got their power back on. I don't think they were all disabled. We called the electric company frantic three times, and they wouldn't give us a date and time. One guy told us it could be Friday  when the power was back on and it was Monday night.

I can't sleep without the CPAP machine, the breathing stops, I feel it, I wake up with my heart racing and severely ill the rare times I have taken my mask off by accident. The symptoms have included night terrors, and worse. So I waited the whole night AWAKE with a candle in the sink of our very pitch black apartment, a lantern whose energy I sought to reserve and winding up a very weak and old "wind-up" flashlight. I would tell my husband, "Go to sleep" but he slept only fitfully and would wake up to check on me over and over. 

During that night, we went out around 11pm to get some heat and light until 2 am. If it had been any colder to where it was housebound temperatures, I fear what would have happened to me. One of these trips I went to the hospital ER waiting room, the only place where we could get some heat and light and not be told to leave. That night was the slowest night of my life. The clock ticked on like sludge.

To be honest this made me wonder if I should live here anymore as there was no friends here or family for that matter, to help. Why are we here? The lack of community here is killing me. Would my acquaintances have helped if they found me on the curb in front of their house with xes over my eyes? I'm not sure.  In my old town there were far more people to call for help. Even my church of the time would have stepped in. Some of our neighbors were going in and out of the complex, and it was like a punch in the gut to hear them speak of going to various relative's houses, "I'm going to my daughters" etc, though one couple said, they went to a motel.

At the hospital, I told them, I have very little money, and could they find a place for us to go, and I was told, I would have to do a full admission into the ER to sleep and there seemed to be some odd nodding towards, we need to see if it is a medical necessity. Huh?  Isn't sleep a necessity? I have been awake for four days before and lets just say at the 4 day mark--this was from the demands of an insane job, night shift and insomnia at the time, hallucinations begin. They can have a fun time with me when that starts.  I saw dark shadows in the corners and after-images when doors closed.  Of course I am at that point thinking a motel room will be cheaper then co-pays for a huge hospital bill. Some of our motels did have power.

When you are poor, emergencies like this, aren't slight troubles to be solved with a credit card or savings, they strip you dry. A rut from hell of poverty that seems to never end. The wrong day and you are especially sitting out on the curb. Figuring out how to eat, survive or put gas in the car is hard.  So I went home knowing I could be awake for 30-48 hours which is not good for someone in my medical condition. I also missed at least one dose of my nebulized lung medicine, McDonalds is so cheap, there wasn't one plug in the bathroom.  The electric company laughably told me to find a shelter. The homeless shelter on the bad side of town is not handicapped accessible and has huge stairs even on the front of the house. They said, "Find a church". Well my old church the pastor was more concerned about collecting tithes for his new truck then anyone having anything to do with each other outside of the place. Most people aren't going to have huge sympathy for a big fat woman who sleeps on a machine. They think it's your fault for being so fat.

So I just sat and waited. What if it had been colder, where I could not breathe outside? If it had been lower then the mid 30s, I probably would have had to check into the ER just to sleep and get taken care of.  It would be time to call an ambulance. I am too medically fragile for this crap. The demands on me were too much like usual. I even cried in pain to do all the packing. Having to pack a nebulizer, tubing, a CPAP where I have to pack the humidifier separately and other medical needs gets crazy.  Once my doctor asked me "Why do you keep all your pills in a big bag?" I said, "So I can quickly leave or have them with me if there is a fire".

Getting sick in extreme cold would happen and not just be a possibility. I told my husband,
"I don't feel safe here anymore." The power in this apartment has gone out so many times, I've lost count, usually the other times were short from 1 hour to 8 hours and nothing like this. Years ago, I almost froze to death in North Carolina, in a blizzard, I was younger and more fit in 1993 though with some health problems like asthma. There we were in a hotel room after a sheriff rescued us from a snow bank. If I had not threatened the idiot I had gone to North Carolina with into getting off the highway, chances are we would have died. All I had to eat for 5 days was a box of Cheezit crackers and some water I brought with. There are vague memories of being so cold, that I was afraid of going to sleep and not waking up in the hotel room with no electricity. It was 10 degrees outside.

 In my old rural town,  in 2002 an ice storm wiped out the entire town, and our thin walled apartment was freezing only 6 hours after the power went out, and one could see their breathe in the air. I had to stay awake then and could not breath from the cold. I went into the car and drove for hours, it was the only warm place until a friend could rescue me. She took us in for three days, fed us and I could use my CPAP and they had heat. The hospital had no power. I was in shock there was no generator there.

If my husband had not been paid the next day for us to get a hotel room, and a friend to help if we needed a third, I would have had to check into a hospital. Sometimes I am angry that disabled and elderly people are left so vulnerable in our country. The idiots and dummies have spent more times inventing play time screens and new TVs then power packs or generators affordable to the normal person. I wonder what people on dialysis do? Since our weather is out of control, more of us are in danger then ever before. Some may say, "Well you need to prepare!" Well I don't have the 600 dollars for a back up battery-powered CPAP, nor the hundreds or thousands of dollars for a generator or power pack.  Prepping is for the rich. Yeah it's dumb to live in infrastructure collapsing America with only electric heat but there was no other choice.

There was one point I told my husband if there is no power by the 31st, let's just pack our old car, with everything necessary, and LEAVE for good. He thought I was joking, but I was serious. I thought this is our sign to "get out". He isn't as spontaneous as me and knows probably within 12 hours I'd be crying for my bed. I told one neighbor out in the parking lot, if the power was off for another day, the deductions from the rent would begin.

I have to talk to my doctor and disability advocate about this stuff and ask "What should I do?".From one doctor, I'm going to ask him to write me standing orders that I am to be admitted into the hospital if there is no power and especially if the temperature is under or over a certain amount when I can't breathe. The whole saga was scary and left me ultra exhausted and even more tense then I was before.  Not sleeping that long made me feel very messed up and 24 hours in, this meant crying and crying. I almost got a leg infection but took to bed and slept for 16 hours the first night at the motel. We hated even burdening the one friend who was going to help us with the third night of a hotel we may have needed. I am glad my husband was there to help me. Why can't they keep the lights on anymore? We have 1930s technology when it comes to the electrical grid. I don't have the mechanical know-how or tools to hook a marine battery to the CPAP.  I think they need to work on the electrical grid first, and sell products that will keep us from freezing to death during storms.


  1. I thought we had it bad for going two days at Christmas with no power. I felt tired, emotional, dirty, and I was acting out again for my emotions were so screwy. We were even blocked in, there were trees all over the road. DH was at work, and I can't run a chainsaw, and I needed the heck out of here. I couldn't wait for him to get home, so everything could feel normal again. I hate that feeling when everything goes so crazy, and I'm losing it.

    Everything here needs electricity. The woodstove, even the water, which is run on a water pump. I couldn't reach DH at work and I had to tell him the road was blocked with fallen trees for him to get home. It was very stressful. Even without the medical problems, which I'm sure must have been way worse for you. But someone went and took out the trees with a chainsaw, so he was able to get home.

    But even Jesus himself felt forsaken of the Father. That cross, and he even knew what he'd be facing. I know I felt bitter, and angry, and asked why God wasn't helping me. Times like this my emotions are uncontrollable, and I could hear mother screaming at me in my head. I needed the DH to get home to stop the screaming in my head.

    I know you face bitter troubles, and it is tough. I feel badly for you, and wish you can have it easier. And you are not alone, no one is alone in this, but no one is reaching out to eachother during the tough times, too busy being positive, I guess, and they hide all the bad stuff. I'm tired of the shiny happy people, life can be horrible, and God does give us good times, but it is not all the time, but it does feel like its all the time. No one takes the time to reach out and see real hurting people.

    1. Sorry you faced it over the holidays, that had to stink. Yes one gets tired, dirty and more. I didn't shower for two days and even forgot about that part, had same dress on the whole time too, too tired and stressed to change it.

      Man being blocked would be harsh. At least in our case the ice melted so we could drive places, can't imagine everything still frozen over, that would be hell. Being home alone during that too would be scary. Sorry you need electricity for everything too. I think the controllers of society want us helpless, and dependent that is why they haven't invented or made available generators most can afford or power packs or anything else. Go die until we get the grid back up. Never could find a non-propane or dangerous fuel heating source that one could use away from the electrical grid. If I brought one in here and they found out, it would null and void the lease. One doesn't want to store flammable fuel oils around other people either if they are sane. Why haven't they invented these things for normal people? No they want us helpless so more screens for the babies like mobiles in the crib and not real stuff to help the problems and troubles of regular day to day life. Thanks for understanding the medical problems, it makes one feel so vulnerable in these emergencies. I told my husband if it wasn't for him, I would be long ago dead, this world is getting too tough, for anyone fragile. I fear for how things will go as we both get older without any money to buffer us. I am glad one of your neighbors helped.

      Yes it is true even Jesus felt forsaken. Thanks for reminding me of that. Sometimes I feel lately like God doesn't care, and we will just be suffering to the last day without one break. I even think of some of the horrible sufferings of others like a friend whose girlfriend had this really bad stroke. Understand the uncontrolled emotions, I know inside since 2008 and everything went so bad here, with him losing another job and being forced to leave another place--so many goodbyes, I never felt right again. It's hard to explain, and most don't "get" it. They've had their families by their side being there for them.

      Thanks for your empathy Joan, I know, sometimes I worry I complain too much here. Oh write positive, but I have to have a place to talk about REAL THINGS. Everything outside of my relationship with husband IRL is so forced, so phony. Polite weather talk and smiling. Yes everyone is busy being positive. Yeah I am tired of the shiny happy people who condemn anyone not like them, 'Why haven't you fixed your problems yet?", "Why aren't you happy and perky like us?" Its hard to know how real it is, or if they are all just putting a front on. I suck at being fake myself and repressing all my emotions to "fit in".

  2. I can relate to what you say, when you have no money you can't prepare. For me to prep for an emergency cannot involve anything more than 20-30 bucks because I'm on a very tight budget.

    When living in NYC I remember the house was painfully cold during winter, so I started looking for cheap ways to keep myself warm at least when I slept. After googling quite a bit I discovered heat reflecting blankets, so I ordered a couple for a few dollars just to give them a try. I put one under my bedding and found myself waking up in the middle of the night sweaty from all the heat generated.

    Nevertheless, the last few years of my life I realized that I cannot depend on any governement, system, religious organization or other "formal" sources of help to give me a hand when in need. We are alone and in survival mode, making do with whatever we can get for ourselves since nobody gives a flying fuck. I now live in Greece, where in the past 5 years at least 30,000 people suicided since the break out of the financial crisis. Yet, staff at hospitals are instructed to not write down the real cause of death whenever possible and the Greek national statistics company keep cooking up the numbers so much that they do not even resemble the suicide numbers given by the police. Nothing is said about it on TV, journalists must persuade us that people around us do not take their lives because there's noone to protect their interests.

    1. I have been that deer in the headlights too many times where people have basically said to me "tough luck kid", this has meant digging in trashcans and even hitchhiking several times in my life. [I can't walk so what else do I do?} There is part of my personality that wants to survive at all costs and even part of my brain was going to what if the hospital turns you away? What if no money comes for the hotel and what will you do on the fourth day? I am scared of ending up without a car which for a person who can't walk means a higher danger zone. Honestly I get tired of being afraid too. For this emergency, I used a small little bit of the "emergency fund" which is very teeny, I can't imagine what would happen if we didn't have gas or food money on us. I have 40 dollars socked away now. What can that do? I used to be able to save more but they are crushing us so badly here too even eating the cheapest food possible like beans in a crockpot it's like nothing changes. I used to have one of those heat reflecting blankets, I need to get another.

      I have followed what has happened in Greece it is horrendous. I see that coming to America, when the financial system collapses though strongly suspect they have us on the collapse it slowly plan and deny everything in front of our faces because maybe Americans would get off the couch, or maybe not. I posted that article about Gen X suiciding it out here. The man that fired my husband from his last job basically destroyed our lives. You are right no one cares. I have long distance friends who do care but when they are that far away they can't help you. Some of themselves are pressed to the wall so even asking for help is very hard. I have noticed people here have families who care about them and provide endless safety nets, not money but physical, this just makes me hate Queen Spider even more and what she denied me in my life. I don't even get to have people visit me when sick. Yeah don't make the mistake that anyone will ever rescue you. I am going to demand my doctor write standing orders for me to be hospitalized if this happens. I don't trust hospital beauracrats to give a damn. They'll wait until I am acutely ill or going into severe respiratory distress to throw any safety nets.

      Living in the ghetto, with no car, no phone, no decent food, I learned survival mode. I am very upset that God seems to be allowing us to be back in the same place. I am tired of living afraid. Sometimes just surviving is not living. I feel very sorry for what is happening in Greece and to everyone there. Yeah they have to keep lying. Well they lie here too.

  3. I like your blog about real things and never thought of it as complaining, I'm sorry that you had to deal with the power going out and dealing with health issues. I live in South Florida just NW of Ft. Lauderdale and shelters for hurricanes are everywhere. -Erin

    1. Thanks Erin, yeah I would rather write about real life. I have enough of the positivity patrol around here trying to tell me to censor all emotions. I am glad they have shelters there for the hurricanes.

  4. I'm sorry you felt abandoned by God and got this hardship for two days. I remember praying to God for a job and money to pay my rent. When I lost my job on January of 1995, I got a temporary part-time job three weeks later only to lose it three weeks later. Then my financial situations fell out and then people in Intervarsity Christian Fellowship started to judge me. Instead of helping me find a future husband, they threw me out and implied that I was not a Christian and I was not their Christian "sister." Yes, they threw me out. Years later, they rejected my fried requests in Facebook. I felt abandoned by God and felt crushed. I lost my faith and gave up on God. I remember telling godfather that I completely gave up on God. He told me that these people I dealt with were spoiled white and Asian middle class who did not see the world, and that it was not God. Several days later, I started to see that God was helping me to find a job and a room for rent. A new landlord chose to rent a room to me when I only had $325 in pocket than a hustler who offered to pay him $920 upfront. The original rent was $425 per month, but because of a hustle, the rent ended up being $460 per months. Three weeks later, I got a second job. People in Intervarsity abandoned me but I met new friends at work and in my neighbor. Then I moved out-of-state and worked full-time for 6 years before I returned college in 2001.

    I'm sorry you are in a shipwrecked situation. I wish God listen to our prayer and rescue us instead of making our lives much harder and giving us so much more pain and heartaches. I'm glad you have a husband who was there, so you could get survive and get love and emotional support.

    I hate Pollyanna and shallow people who would tell us to think positive or that God has a will for our lives. I hate one old spoiled friend who told me that God made bad things happened to us to test us whether he is first in our lives. If we surrender our lives completely to God and let him control our lives completely, he will make our lives easier. It did not make sense to me. These people have money and easier lives and they ended up marrying somebody who also had money and easier lives. There are dead-headed narcs who are married to other narcs or somebody who find narcs attractive. I will pray that God will start listening to your prayers and that he will not make sure feel like crying in pain. I hope we will not have another moments like you did several days ago.

    1. I am glad you had your godfather help you not lose faith and then renounce God. I don't want to renounce God. I've already been down atheist highway once before and know God is real. So I am sitting and waiting, guess that is my only solution. I go day by day being glad I have my husband or say well you have roof and warm bed, and tasty salad and things like that. I don't understand a bunch of this or how my life went, but what else can I do? Yeah I wish our prayers would be answered and we don't want life to get harder. I have lived far harder when I was in my rented rooms and nearly on the streets, but know I don't have the health to do it now, so there is a little bit of fear there. We don't want more pain and grief. A lot of people out there we deal with don't even admit what life is like, they set people up for a fall. They have closed down all their emotions and only serve as destroyers to our souls lacking empathy and any feeling.

      I know the false "Christians" who are judgmental are destroying many and making people feel depressed and despondent feeling like God is going to judge them on not having a large loving family and financial security. I keep thinking of what Jesus said about division from family, He didn't preach perfect little families, though the churches still do over and over. The "positive" thinker types judge too, most have shut down themselves and are angry at those who still have feelings and talk about things. Blaming God for bad things, can get the whole world to turn on God. How many people do I know who refuse God because they think he let people die or bad things happen? I agree about the people with money and easier lives, some of them have money and the things they do because they are narcissists and know the hustling formulas to do well in competitive American society. Thanks for your prayers. I hope I don't get a moment like this too soon either.

  5. I just saw this Post, Peep. I am so sorry<this sounds so inadequate, I'm sure. Do you by chance have something like an Ecumenical Council in your area? It seems you require some kind of letter of Medical Necessity to be a priority in the event of loss of power or other emergency. You can't possibly be the only one in this situation-they don't even have the Red Cross there? What a terrifying mess. We loose power for days at a time too but over the decades I've amassed enough fur and down stuff to hunker down and wait it out without freezing to death-which is a very real threat. Some sort of plan-and then a dry run to make sure it all works-needs to be a priority for you involving your Health Care Providers and the service providers in your area. NO. Just NO-this situation can not happen again.
    And here I thought you and Mr. Peep decided to have a quiet holiday. A lot quieter than I knew, eh?!

    The church people I'm at a complete loss with-OK, in the interest of full disclosure these people make me nervous. Please, I KNOW no one can "make you" much of anything-this is a figure of speech so you grammar police and the social work majors hang on for a bit. You know my history with catholic schools in the 50's and '60's so I tend to step away from these discussions. Unfortunately, there is a segment of church people who always find a way to announce, "Well, ahem a Chris'shan" into the middle of any conversation-even if it's about something as mundane as potato salad. So I guess that makes their eggs, potatoes and mayo holier-than-mine.
    Frankly, ahem not impressed.
    BTW, in the Monday Misery Loves Company Department today, my washer is making hell demon noises during the drain and spin cycle and of course there's a load of clothes and a full tub of cold water. I think the bearings are shot. This happened yesterday afternoon. If I turn it back on, it may advance and attack, so I think I'll just go figure something out-after more coffee.

    1. Hi TW, thanks for your advice, I need to see if there is a Red Cross, one person told me to talk to the local fire station that seems like good advice too. I will see my at home doctor in two weeks and will ask him for a letter of medical necessity. I will also see if there is a Red Cross and write a letter to my disability advocate about what I should do next time.

      I am glad you have fur and down stuff and ability not to freeze to death. Yeah that is one danger nowadays. This ice storm brought mid 30s and low 40s and rain, but that is not true of all of them. I was not housebound a housebound one would be far more dangerous once the temperature slipped below freezing. LOL about a quiet holiday, I know my husband found being home the last few days a relief and just wanted it quiet and not deal with outside world very much. I was housebound so was in here, cooking a bit.

      A lot of the "church people" make me nervous too. I've been in a friendlier churches, but yeah I know what you are saying. There's too much competition as to who appears the most stoic and "holiest" and I got worn from it all. Some mean well and help people for real but some do-gooders as I have written on here, lit my butt on fire with matches, and brought me untold misery. I'm tired of feeling like I have to subscribe to a set of even set social and political beliefs among that set. Life got fun hearing them rail against the poor right in front of my face and anyone on assistance. LOL about the potato salad.

      Sorry about your washer, I hope it will not be an expensive repair and you won't have to replace it. I wish they taught us to fix things like that in school definitely. I hate the feelings of helplessness when even ever there is something to repair. The dishwasher in this apt clogged up and I couldn't get it unplugged with its byzantine filters and gave up and just started handwashing dishes acouple weeks ago. The maintenance people were getting tired of coming in every week and I could tell. Hope you can figure things out with it soon.

    2. Dear Peep--with all the bad weather all over,I was afraid your power might even go out--yes,nylon or plastic rain ponchos, keep in all your heat when you wear them; very insulated.--WHAT ABOUT SPORTS-WEAR STORES? AND HUNTERS' CLOTHES AND CAMP-PACKS? I just realized, sports and hunting clothing and camping gear can be very insulated, cause they hunt and camp in bad weather.not kidding! TRY THE HUNTERS AND CAMPERS' STORES.CABELA IS ONE,ONLINE, across the country. its true those guys get equipped to go out in very bad weather. (let me know, if you find things that could work.) TRY THEM! LOVE, DOROTHY :)--EVEN MOUNTAIN-CLIMB WEAR!

    3. Yes those would work Dorothy, I have some thick coats and other gear like that. I want to get one of those silver blankets that keep you from freezing to death.

  6. Yikes. What a nightmare. Sounds like a traumatic experience. Can relate to the feelings of affliction. We do have limits in how much we can take.

    Long story short, but I walked away from organized religion nearly 5 years ago due to an overabundance of life challenges. The heavens were indeed open, and sending deluge after deluge of acid rain upon my head. I was so angry with the God I thought I knew, who was supposed to *help* not *hurt*, who was supposed to be involved in a benevolent rather than a malevolent way, that I finally said eff you and walked away. Even gave up on praying. What was the use when the terrible things just kept happening? I figured if I was going to suffer then I was going to suffer, and at least the suffering would not occur alongside prayers that got lost somewhere enroute to heaven.

    Sounds like you've been there, done that, but a few things I've realized since then (hope this does not sound too preachy):

    1. Some of the radioactive fallout in my life has come from A-bombs I inadvertently dropped on myself by failing to heed warnings not to head in a certain direction with my choices (this does not apply to you or your situation in any way, just an important lesson for one like me who is very head-strong...)

    2. God does not always stop evil people from hurting others, or intervene in traumatic events, even though we desperately wish he would, because these experiences can stretch and teach us in ways that being spared would not

    3. God is still aware of me and my needs whether I formally attend a congregation and pray or not

    4. Some of the most comfortable people on earth are also the most wicked

    I was taught in the church of my childhood that if you were good, you would be blessed. If you were bad, you would be troubled and tormented in body, mind, spirit. This meant the *good* people were also the rich ones. And the *bad* people struggled with poverty and/or mental/physical illness. This also meant that God would step in to turn a situation in your favor if you were *worthy* enough (read: *deserving* or *righteous* enough).

    Needless to say, my life experience thus far has proven vastly different from this type of (quite magical) thinking.

    One enlightening experience I had while in the middle of my now 8 year trial by fire: I was raging over my many frustrations with a friend only to find her slowly shaking her head at me. No, she said. God doesn't mess around with people's lives. He just watches.

    It made a lot of sense to me at the time, although now I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I've had too many experiences with divine intervention to know that God doesn't always *just watch*. But, then, sometimes he does. Why? I don't really know, but think maybe he wants us to learn and grow stronger as much as we can on our own before he steps in.

    Hope next time the power goes out, the experience is easier for you. Am also glad your husband is there to help.

    - Lisa

    1. Thanks Lisa, sorry you have felt afflicted too. I agree we do have limits in how much we can take.

      I think many end up leaving organized religion after many life challenges, I felt I wasting my time in the "show off" churches. Yes people get angry at God and turn their backs on Him. I had a process like that when young after being so abused and when an aunt died, though I did not know even what Christianity was back then. I have wondered why the prayers are not answered and just more "bad" stuff keeps happening. Why cant God ease things up? Why does it seem like the nicest people suffer or die younger?

      I believe Satan is the prince of this earth, and running things. I definitely do not believe in that God has a "plan for your life" garbage. If I believed that way, I'd be an atheist tommorrow. Someone like myself who lost the family roulette with a 1 in 5 million disease too, it seems I would not be very "liked" or "loved" by God. I agree one can miss warnings. Hey I admit that when I didn't stay NC in my 20s. Hope some of your A-bombs have eased up. I am in sitting and waiting mode now. I can't go back to the atheism of yesterday. I am not sure why God has said NO to everything. It makes no sense. People suffer in some ways from the "chipping away". Does the Bible mean that when it says the "wearing away of the saints" not the big martyrship stuff?

      Yes many suffer from the sins of others. Every ACON can attest to that in spades. I have lost my whole family from the machinations of Queen Spider, even a lot of my broken down body is from an evil woman who medically neglected me where intervention would have given me a whole other life direction.

      I may not agree with you that every moment is a "teaching moment", more and more I believe that basically that just some evil crap happens and there is no meaning in it. This world is broken and fallen and the devil's own control it, so it is full of suffering. I know all these suffering things have been great questions of humanity for centuries, I won't come up with the answers, but more and more I have come to the conclusion there is not meaning in a lot of suffering in this world, it just happens because this place is messed up. Perhaps it is time to reread the book of Job.

      I believe suffering doesn't come from God though now I need to personally address the issue of unanswered prayers and why doesn't God step in to alleviate some of the suffering, and why do some suffer [thinking of people I care about] so much and why others get such an easy ride in life?

      I do think there is a danger in telling people all your suffering has "meaning" because some people will hit the wall where they will say God has given me "enough lessons" and if one thinks God is directing all the evil stuff or "allowing it to happen", God will become their "enemy". I tell myself God isn't directing the evil stuff, God is not the author of evil, but wicked people have or a fallen world is but it's hard because even a Christian will ask, "Why can't God step in then?" "Why can't I get a break, or a rest?" At times I feel like God has, since I am still alive etc. But then you wonder during other moments? Why not? And then you think of innocents who got bombed or people put in camps or even worse human suffering, where your sufferings are nothing in comparison. There are bed bound and nursing home bound people with my disorders. So everything can be worse. Even with the poverty, I have been down a few notches, I haven't had to take to the trash cans in 16 years.


    2. I may write about this issue further. Many abused people become atheists, I was one for many years.

      I agree many wicked people have prospered or "done well" from sheer wickedness.

      I see much of the "Christian" world stuck in the mode of seeing God as their magic genie. God will bless me if I am "good". Only bad things will happen to those "bad" people. Yes like in your churches, even in the non prosperity gospel ones, I was taught too, if you obey God and "do everything right", you will be blessed. If you were tormented or depressed or sick, it was your fault. You did not have the favor of God. One spiritual abuser even told me I was cursed by God, and that my ill fortunes were from being abused. I saw through this stuff and thought, why am I cursed as the victim and not the abusers? All my churches told me if I had enough faith, God would cure me of my severe health problems, I would no longer be overweight or bloated and I could breathe. One church told me that God would bless me and I could have children and they all told me if we were obedient that my husband would have good jobs, and we would have money, so yes the "good" people were all rich, and had families who "loved them".

      Every person of diminished means and body feels this in the Christian world. Its like "worthy" means blessed and "unworthy" means everything bad happening.
      Prayers become like magical spells and appeasements, God send me this and that. God please don't let it be cancer. God please don't let the car break down, so forth and so on.

      I had the weird thought the other day, I didn't want my relationship with God to be one of fear, always kind of praying not to get squashed. I dare say either I am in a mode now where the relationship with God will get stronger or it will be in trouble. I am not sure what direction things will go yet, but there is some kind of new thinking I am having with and about God. I always saw prayer as more conversation already but have had some interesting thoughts about these issues that definitely are being discussed.

      Interesting your friend said that about God watching. Its true the truth may be in the middle. I've had what I considered divine interventions, to stay alive and money showing up on the eve of some utter disaster but yes I don't understand all the "nos" or the times God seems to just be silent with his back turned. I know I have been negatively affected by the people who told me, if God deems you worthy your prayers will be all answered in the affirmative. Thanks for your post.