Sunday, January 3, 2016
Sending Birthday Cards to Strangers
It was Mini-Me's birthday yesterday. Should I care? I wonder why I even remember every time an anniversary for a narcissist passes by. Maybe in a few years I won't remember these dates I hope so.
A moment of clarity above from my brother. Mini-Me has nothing to do with him either or as little as possible. My mother and her would play rip Peep and Peep's brother to shred games for years. She has no respect for him either. I am glad he sees through her to a degree, but he always annoyed me with the attitude, "That's just how she is.". Funny how the worse behaviors from the narcissists would get excused why some of us got shunned for life.
I think she was glad I was gone because over almost three years I never got one "What is wrong?" or "Why are you so upset"? She never acted like a real sister. With No Contact I got more clarity about her. She was never there for me and blocked me out of her life as much as possible. She did as many bad things as my mother. Just her not caring about anyone or anything was so extreme.
Even when I went to visit her house for a week in 2003, staying at a hotel and making myself as trouble-free of a guest as possible, she didn't want me there. She never wrote one real letter, well neither did the other one. Well I long ago stopped sending her birthday cards.
I found out recently it's a nephews birthday I forgot to send a card for on the 5th. I haven't seen him since 2010. I'll be making one today. He will be at his mother's house and wouldn't get the card right away anyhow since he lives with my brother's ex wife.
I and the nephew don't really have a relationship either. This stuff just makes me sad and depressed. I will send him a card but feel annoyed and upset inside. I'm not mad at him. It's hard to explain. I didn't send the 17 year old nephew a card this year, since he ignored every one he got including the last one with a letter enclosed asking for a email. He too refused a Facebook befriending.
Even the low contact "relationships" bother me. Sending strangers cards is hard even if they are young strangers. What do you write in the card? It seems all stilted boringness. There seems to be nothing but loss there, when it comes to any relative. I was forgotten about. The only person who notices I am alive is my brother's girlfriend but even with her, I worry about flying monkeys and digs for information. She comes from a normal family that loves one another, and her parents supported and helped both her and her sister.
Sometimes I think even the few low contact people hurt me, maybe some without meaning to. I don't know how to explain this. It feels like I am an invisible ghost these kids get a card from. So far away and for what? I'll send a card to another kid who doesn't even know me and I don't know them. I used to have hope in the future, that some would come around or that things would financially change for us, so I could go and see them more. I would ask them about their hobbies and what they liked to do and it always ended up short. None would send me an email. In all these cards, I would enclose an email address, all these kids are on the computer. Of course I feel like a bad aunt without any money to visit.
The nice niece hasn't written me since my birthday and refused to befriend me on Facebook. That hurt too. Why is EVERYONE controlled? Do teens rebel anymore? The millennial generation seems to be all into pleasing and obeying their parents. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I wonder what lies were told her, to get her to dump me and have nothing to do with me. We traded emails for a few years. I only told her very little, and didn't want to put her in the middle. Was that a mistake?
Remember I went NC with over two thirds of the family, I know you can't build an actual relationship on birthday cards. I'm sending birthday cards to strangers. Sigh.