I wish as ACON's we can be open like this about it. I don't feel like I can, so its like I have to keep this big secret but still walk around with the scars and no one knows what is going on with me. That's why I stay home a lot.
I take my social stuff in small bits. I like being around people on occasion but I stay home a lot too. I wish I blended in better physically that brings on a whole other layer that is hard to explain. Yeah it is like having to keep a big secret. Even on Facebook, friends with deceased mothers go on about how much they loved them and how wonderful they are. I usually just click like to be nice, but say nothing.
I hear ya joan! It's a two part predicament. First it's hard to get people to understand we are not embellishing and that these people actually exist. And if we are successful in that endeavor it's embarrassing to tell me people we sat still long enough to be raised by one. I was watching that movie "perfect sisters" and after they kill their mother the police ask everybody if it dawned on any of them to call the police before it all went down and they all get this baffled look and say no not really. But with us we would be asking for help before anything happens. Like...... I could just feel that my mother was insane so I called you guys up. What makes you think she is crazy and a danger to you? I don't know she had this wild look in her eyes. Well call us AFTER she nuts out we can't arrest her for what she might do. I am saying this in regard to the situation we all found ourselves dealing with. You have to wait and clean it up AFTER they are going down and taking you with them. Up until my mother was neck deep in her crime no one would/could have told you for sure what was coming. Hello officer I think my mother and her boyfriend are planing to rob and kill a guy..... well call us when they actually do it. Sorry I have veered into the in the ramble zone.
I just feel like after a lifetime of not knowing why I was so screwed up, now I know, and I have to keep it a secret? And its like to call myself sane I had to call everyone around me crazy, this keeps the balance.
Its like having to bang my head against the wall, and I can lose it at any time. I struggle with my own limited capacity to handle things like a normal grown adult, and no one knows what this feels like and I can never tell them. I think I blogged about it once, calling it being expected to build a rocket and fly to the moon by morning, it is possible isn't it?
I know we saw those crazy looks in our mothers eyes, and couldn't even mention it then. Just had to accept it as love, and with this we have been screwed over.
Yeah it stinks, having to keep it a secret stinks too. I just don't want to be seen in the bad way the rest of my family was trained to see me, so I know I have to keep my mouth shut. People mention their families a lot to, well meaning people. I have told my husband stick to the official story, they are dead, and do not exist. It's better then explaining why you have no family. Yeah I feel like I fail at the adulting, and have fantasies in my head about real money making me able to meet all expecttions and managing better. Yes the impossible expectations get to me. I'm in bed today having hit a wall. I saw a photo of myself from yesterday where I am so bloated it's scary. How do I explain these struggles. The other grown-ups don't worry. Even their ability to just be secure in themselves and to handle life is one I wish I had for myself.
Yeah we had the crazy looks, and we pretended to ourselves, oh that's love or in my case maybe she loves me deep inside. What a joke!
People have a hard time believing that mothers wear a false face. They can't even imagine. I told some relatives and other people, when I was a real little kid, my mother hates me. I went NC with some family friends even over this stuff. They were scum too watching the emotional abuse--they didn't hit me in front of them and staying silent. Then how do I explain putting up with this crap as an adult for so long? I wanted a family knowing I never could have children? I was afraid to be out in the world alone being disabled? I understand some of my motives now but this world definitely teams up on the victim blaming. Hey the cops come to do the clean-up after wards, you're right. Prove to us they are crazy, oh we have to wait for them to actually "do something".
Watch out for those prayer groups most of them are gossip mills. Going into a prayer group being disabled and broke, I would just get more charity people not true friends. I guess I've woken up about some religious stuff. One can have nice charitable church people in one's life, but it's better to keep things on a public level not opening up to the nitty-gritty. Prayer groups work for people who want to pray about ill relatives and salvation of people in certain countries but I figure it's like this, am I going to have private conversations with my husband in front of other people? Well it's the same with God. I know the bible says fellowship is supposed to be real and you can be open. I do think that is the ideal but it's rare in today's church system. I have to be careful not to talk about problems anymore with people and keep things more on down low. I got my butt burned baring my heart at a local depression group which I later left and then some.
Being Aspie is hiding how weird one is. I cloak a bit naturally in public but I have realized NT friendships either make it or break it. Some can't handle learning how weird I am either.
Sorry your DH said you acted like a little kid. I've gotten that whenever I had shared emotions. One narc yelled at me, who lived long distance and said, you say things are good and bad like a little kid. I'm tired of the correctors. With husband yeah you want to be real, even if it takes time to work through things, glad things got better. This is being real with each other.
A lot of my friends and other family members have died. When you get older, it's easier to let people believe the family all died. Some of mine died spiritually. I never talked much about the family after moving here, but I know even stating one is estranged is too much information. It is better to just keep these things close to the vest.
I think mine will be facing judgment too so don't feel bad. For once she may not always be the one gloating and smirking. So no you are not losing it.
Yes I always wanted a family. This society gives ideals of a family. I sure don't miss how I felt around them, always like I was never good enough. Even when I talked to the "nicer" ones I felt judged for my body, and not having any children, a career or money. One can't hang out with people who make you feel bad, it's better to just move on. Even my brother was forever bragging like he considered himself more important and better, selling candy or whatever door to door. Fear keeps too many in clutches of people who put us down, thinking they are "family" and "care". Talk about some myths there. It was just another competition organization, even the ones who fail to make 6 figures are seen as "losers" and caught in the trap of always proving themselves. I feel better knowing I don't have to do it anymore. I got tired. Nothing I said mattered to any of them anyhow. continuing...
I understand being afraid this world is one scary place. I'm overwhelmed all the time, maybe I would be even with a good body. They've made even the laundry confusing LOL I wonder why Jesus allowed the world to be so rotten at times. I don't have the "God has a plan in this world" beliefs of some Christians, where they see the rottenness of life and endless hurdles as having some spiritual miracle aspect to them. I think Satan runs this place which explains why it sucks so much. [God wins in the end but my hope as far as this world goes is lower then low]
Yeah lots of unfair things in this world. Going back to the prayer chains, I do not feel like joining in the contest to see who gets the most blessings they can brag about.
HI, MY LATEST BLOG-SPOT, https://sandraminadotty.wordpress.com/2016/04/18/santa-clara-neighborhood-news-english-translation-eugene-or/
i DID A TRANSLATION OF pOLITIK-SPEAK, TO TANSLATE what the county & city really will do~!!!Lane county,Eugene OR is commanding the tearing-up of a major road,right in the front of homes,and i had to do a "translation" of what the county & city really are going to do.like,ignore all the tax-payers' protests. (I hate to say, but I found out early, "LIFE IS NOT FAIR."I don't think there is any kind of God,just scientific-systems that evolve.there is no big, kind over-seer who watches over us.You should consult the Lubivitcher Chabad, website, they make more sense.they try to teach people to do it themselves, cause God won't do it.
its true.you can't rely on God,or the world, to make sense. yu have to find any meaning yourself. and the world is not perfect. --not at all. its better if you just accept it the way it is, instead of fighting it. accept the world, with all its faults. it relieves your mind greatly. accepting yourself, too, helps. thanks!!!
I think from the Christian perspective they are messing up a lot of people and producing atheists by the many when they tell people God will bless you in this world and life will automatically improve. This phony baloney stuff in the churches denies the realities of this world which for most of human history included early death and war. I think of the well meaning types who told me if I prayed hard enough my body would be fixed and life would become fair. Many do not believe in God because they are told false things about Him. {God will fix all your problems or God has a plan for your life [in this world] and they look around this rotten place and all the craziness and illness, dead friends, evil rising to the top and think are you people nuts? Jesus Christ even got the worse of it on planet earth, before rising again. The government, religious system and others all turned on him. I think there is truth to what you say here, Life is not fair and this world is not perfect. Even the Bible says Love not the world. I would think that this means a Christian can accept the world is a bad place. I say the world is a bad place and it makes some mad as we saw with my internet troll. The world is full of bad things and faults. I think when people are told to live in candy land, expecting miracles by the dozen in their life in this world, it destroys religious faith.
More happiness is possible too accepting things the way they actually ARE and agree about accepting one's self too in that this is who we are and our reality.
I wonder if the same philosophy applies to NPD? Now that I know what it is it will help to change my future but the past will stay the same.
ReplyDeleteLOL maybe apply to an ACON but never an NPD. They aren't interested in change or others understanding them!
DeleteI wish as ACON's we can be open like this about it. I don't feel like I can, so its like I have to keep this big secret but still walk around with the scars and no one knows what is going on with me. That's why I stay home a lot.
DeleteI take my social stuff in small bits. I like being around people on occasion but I stay home a lot too. I wish I blended in better physically that brings on a whole other layer that is hard to explain. Yeah it is like having to keep a big secret. Even on Facebook, friends with deceased mothers go on about how much they loved them and how wonderful they are. I usually just click like to be nice, but say nothing.
DeleteI hear ya joan! It's a two part predicament. First it's hard to get people to understand we are not embellishing and that these people actually exist. And if we are successful in that endeavor it's embarrassing to tell me people we sat still long enough to be raised by one. I was watching that movie "perfect sisters" and after they kill their mother the police ask everybody if it dawned on any of them to call the police before it all went down and they all get this baffled look and say no not really. But with us we would be asking for help before anything happens. Like...... I could just feel that my mother was insane so I called you guys up. What makes you think she is crazy and a danger to you? I don't know she had this wild look in her eyes. Well call us AFTER she nuts out we can't arrest her for what she might do. I am saying this in regard to the situation we all found ourselves dealing with. You have to wait and clean it up AFTER they are going down and taking you with them. Up until my mother was neck deep in her crime no one would/could have told you for sure what was coming. Hello officer I think my mother and her boyfriend are planing to rob and kill a guy..... well call us when they actually do it. Sorry I have veered into the in the ramble zone.
ReplyDeleteI just feel like after a lifetime of not knowing why I was so screwed up, now I know, and I have to keep it a secret? And its like to call myself sane I had to call everyone around me crazy, this keeps the balance.
DeleteIts like having to bang my head against the wall, and I can lose it at any time. I struggle with my own limited capacity to handle things like a normal grown adult, and no one knows what this feels like and I can never tell them. I think I blogged about it once, calling it being expected to build a rocket and fly to the moon by morning, it is possible isn't it?
I know we saw those crazy looks in our mothers eyes, and couldn't even mention it then. Just had to accept it as love, and with this we have been screwed over.
Follow my example of never babbling. :P
Yeah it stinks, having to keep it a secret stinks too. I just don't want to be seen in the bad way the rest of my family was trained to see me, so I know I have to keep my mouth shut. People mention their families a lot to, well meaning people. I have told my husband stick to the official story, they are dead, and do not exist. It's better then explaining why you have no family. Yeah I feel like I fail at the adulting, and have fantasies in my head about real money making me able to meet all expecttions and managing better. Yes the impossible expectations get to me. I'm in bed today having hit a wall. I saw a photo of myself from yesterday where I am so bloated it's scary. How do I explain these struggles. The other grown-ups don't worry. Even their ability to just be secure in themselves and to handle life is one I wish I had for myself.
DeleteYeah we had the crazy looks, and we pretended to ourselves, oh that's love or in my case maybe she loves me deep inside. What a joke!
No youre not babbling I understand you perfectly!
People have a hard time believing that mothers wear a false face. They can't even imagine. I told some relatives and other people, when I was a real little kid, my mother hates me. I went NC with some family friends even over this stuff. They were scum too watching the emotional abuse--they didn't hit me in front of them and staying silent. Then how do I explain putting up with this crap as an adult for so long? I wanted a family knowing I never could have children? I was afraid to be out in the world alone being disabled? I understand some of my motives now but this world definitely teams up on the victim blaming. Hey the cops come to do the clean-up after wards, you're right. Prove to us they are crazy, oh we have to wait for them to actually "do something".
DeleteWatch out for those prayer groups most of them are gossip mills. Going into a prayer group being disabled and broke, I would just get more charity people not true friends. I guess I've woken up about some religious stuff. One can have nice charitable church people in one's life, but it's better to keep things on a public level not opening up to the nitty-gritty. Prayer groups work for people who want to pray about ill relatives and salvation of people in certain countries but I figure it's like this, am I going to have private conversations with my husband in front of other people? Well it's the same with God. I know the bible says fellowship is supposed to be real and you can be open. I do think that is the ideal but it's rare in today's church system. I have to be careful not to talk about problems anymore with people and keep things more on down low. I got my butt burned baring my heart at a local depression group which I later left and then some.
DeleteBeing Aspie is hiding how weird one is. I cloak a bit naturally in public but I have realized NT friendships either make it or break it. Some can't handle learning how weird I am either.
Sorry your DH said you acted like a little kid. I've gotten that whenever I had shared emotions. One narc yelled at me, who lived long distance and said, you say things are good and bad like a little kid. I'm tired of the correctors. With husband yeah you want to be real, even if it takes time to work through things, glad things got better. This is being real with each other.
A lot of my friends and other family members have died. When you get older, it's easier to let people believe the family all died. Some of mine died spiritually. I never talked much about the family after moving here, but I know even stating one is estranged is too much information. It is better to just keep these things close to the vest.
I think mine will be facing judgment too so don't feel bad. For once she may not always be the one gloating and smirking. So no you are not losing it.
Yes I always wanted a family. This society gives ideals of a family. I sure don't miss how I felt around them, always like I was never good enough. Even when I talked to the "nicer" ones I felt judged for my body, and not having any children, a career or money. One can't hang out with people who make you feel bad, it's better to just move on. Even my brother was forever bragging like he considered himself more important and better, selling candy or whatever door to door. Fear keeps too many in clutches of people who put us down, thinking they are "family" and "care". Talk about some myths there. It was just another competition organization, even the ones who fail to make 6 figures are seen as "losers" and caught in the trap of always proving themselves. I feel better knowing I don't have to do it anymore. I got tired. Nothing I said mattered to any of them anyhow.
continuing...
I understand being afraid this world is one scary place. I'm overwhelmed all the time, maybe I would be even with a good body. They've made even the laundry confusing LOL I wonder why Jesus allowed the world to be so rotten at times. I don't have the "God has a plan in this world" beliefs of some Christians, where they see the rottenness of life and endless hurdles as having some spiritual miracle aspect to them. I think Satan runs this place which explains why it sucks so much. [God wins in the end but my hope as far as this world goes is lower then low]
DeleteYeah lots of unfair things in this world. Going back to the prayer chains, I do not feel like joining in the contest to see who gets the most blessings they can brag about.
HI, MY LATEST BLOG-SPOT, https://sandraminadotty.wordpress.com/2016/04/18/santa-clara-neighborhood-news-english-translation-eugene-or/
ReplyDeletei DID A TRANSLATION OF pOLITIK-SPEAK, TO TANSLATE what the county & city really will do~!!!Lane county,Eugene OR is commanding the tearing-up of a major road,right in the front of homes,and i had to do a "translation" of what the county & city really are going to do.like,ignore all the tax-payers' protests. (I hate to say, but I found out early, "LIFE IS NOT FAIR."I don't think there is any kind of God,just scientific-systems that evolve.there is no big, kind over-seer who watches over us.You should consult the Lubivitcher Chabad, website, they make more sense.they try to teach people to do it themselves, cause God won't do it.
its true.you can't rely on God,or the world, to make sense. yu have to find any meaning yourself. and the world is not perfect. --not at all. its better if you just accept it the way it is, instead of fighting it. accept the world, with all its faults. it relieves your mind greatly. accepting yourself, too, helps. thanks!!!
I think from the Christian perspective they are messing up a lot of people and producing atheists by the many when they tell people God will bless you in this world and life will automatically improve. This phony baloney stuff in the churches denies the realities of this world which for most of human history included early death and war. I think of the well meaning types who told me if I prayed hard enough my body would be fixed and life would become fair. Many do not believe in God because they are told false things about Him. {God will fix all your problems or God has a plan for your life [in this world] and they look around this rotten place and all the craziness and illness, dead friends, evil rising to the top and think are you people nuts? Jesus Christ even got the worse of it on planet earth, before rising again. The government, religious system and others all turned on him. I think there is truth to what you say here, Life is not fair and this world is not perfect. Even the Bible says Love not the world. I would think that this means a Christian can accept the world is a bad place. I say the world is a bad place and it makes some mad as we saw with my internet troll. The world is full of bad things and faults. I think when people are told to live in candy land, expecting miracles by the dozen in their life in this world, it destroys religious faith.
DeleteMore happiness is possible too accepting things the way they actually ARE and agree about accepting one's self too in that this is who we are and our reality.
Delete