Hmmm what were/are the expectations?
Family: I am supposed to make 6 figures plus a year and be a super-lawyer or accountant and have three children, own a Mercedes Benz, a large 4 bedroom plus suburban home and weigh around 115lbs or under. 130lbs would be "too fat". I am supposed to have no feelings, squelch any conscience to make a buck, reject being an art teacher, have short hair, dress butch, be cleaner and neater then Martha Stewart and do everything my mother told me to do and be another Mini-Me.
Health Boards: I am supposed to starve myself and go on constant fasts. One recent board I don't plan to post on anymore suggested eating less then 500 calories 4 days a week. To stop being 500lbs, I should do everything possible to lose weight and starve myself even if the hunger pain is unyielding. I should eat Keto and give up all carbs. I am supposed to exercise every minute.
My claims that I pass out from Adkins and diets like that is extreme and means I am a "special" person, that does not fit the norm. My entire life should be dedicated to how I look and what I weigh and "fitting into mainstream society". I am supposed to have tens of thousands of dollars for liposuction, specialized customized compression and trips to various seminars.
Present day Doctor: I am supposed to keep track of dozens of prescriptions and never make a mistake on anything.
Diabetes: I am supposed to take endless blood sugars, and never eat anything besides vegetables and measure all carbs compulsively. My fasting blood sugars must always remain from 100-110 points. I should cook all "clean" foods for hours a day.
Various Narcs "Frenemies" I kicked to the curb: I must never complain and definitely censor complaining blog posts, art and more. My art must all be positive and bright and bring cheer and make tons of money. I must lose weight or be working on it or be apologetic for my very existence.
I must volunteer constantly and be in service to others every second and work my way to heaven proving myself to be a good person. I must be cleaner and have thousands of dollars to have my apartment painted and buy new furniture and new clothes. I must be a "disabled inspiration" that brings joy to others and be a smiling cipher who never protests and votes Republican. I must "get a job" and get my lazy self off disability. I am not to share any religious or political opinions they find offensive and if they reject Christianity I am supposed too as well. I am supposed to be positive and an inspiration and bear all things with sweet compliance and not argue with doctors or anyone else or make demands for decent treatment. I am supposed to think a certain way and get my brain in order. My controversial opinions about size acceptance and politics need tampered down. I am supposed to not complain while listening to their complaints. I am supposed to be available on the phone day or night even 8 times a day when it came to one of them.
Church I left: I was supposed to give ten percent of my income, and dress like Michelle Duggar, and always be smiling and positive. I was supposed to vote Republican and rant against 'lazy deadbeats" on welfare and support the troops without murmur. I must always listen to the pastor and his extraordinary wisdom and never talk about anything too deep. I was supposed to be middle class or above, drive a nice car and have a fully employed husband at a high paying job. I am supposed to only care about housekeeping and cooking and not read too much.
Size Acceptance Ideologues: I am supposed to not write or talk about how being fat is hard on a physical or other basis. I am supposed to embrace HAES and not worry about weight gain. I am to keep my theories to myself about the real causes of obesity and demand for real answers and help. I am to conform to the herd otherwise I deserve banning and isolation. My blog should be like Ragen Chastains where I write about going on marathons and how healthy I am at around 500lbs. I should preach accept your body, and not complain about being scared of not being able to walk, diabetes or other com-morbidities of obesity.
Obviously I did not meet these expectations nor do I want to. One odd result of going NC for an ACON, is you start taking a look at the demands people make of you. You tell yourself in your head, "I am going to do what I want now". "I am going to paint, write, and say what I want!" and not censor myself constantly. Walking on eggshells through life stinks, where you feel like you have to hide yourself to be "acceptable". Expectations can form a prison cell, even a prison cell of depression when there are expectations and demands that are impossible but then I think often they are designed to be impossible. One cell block I have to break out of is the people please mode. Part of me has realized lately, I am going to piss a lot of people off just being who I am and the things I felt led to write about and make a stand against. I have to be me.
Narcissists get a high off criticizing people and making impossible demands. I think about the ones who were far from perfect who served as judge and jury over me and always trying to tell me what to do, say and be. Narcissists use criticism, impossible demands, blame and shame to control people and distract from their own failings.
That's why I want to be cremated. There was no room for me in life and so get rid of me in death. At least I have a final chance to get the last laugh and put somebody's eye out.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zu50CfdTnI
LOL I remember that scene, last laugh indeed. :p Ashes going where they aren't expected!
DeleteWhy can't all of us just accept each other the way we are and just let us live our lives?
ReplyDeleteall those expectations you talked about are just a bunch of bunk!(to use a less offensive term for it!)
I, too, have lived with that kind of stuff my whole life...never feeling good enough for other people
No more! I only want to please God now
I agree. I think about the people who had time to analyze me and strip me down bit by bit, I mean consider the time it takes to do all that. It is a bunch of bunk. Thanks pegjo for telling me you have faced that stuff too, makes me feel less alone in it. Sorry though too you have faced it. I wonder if the criticism factors have gone up. Agree about pleasing God.
DeleteAll those people ever did was steal your Identity. The people who know us the least are always trying to tell us who we are. And what we lack.
ReplyDeleteWhat we should have been asking: Who the hell are they?
TW
I agree who were they? Honestly they didn't let anyone know. They kept it secret behind their masks, they withheld who they were. Even the demands they made of me were some of the masks they wanted me to wear. I got the feeling they hated anyone who was "real".
DeleteIts tough to just be ourselves. Back in the day a meeting with the family involved big put downs. Somehow, after a childhood of abuse I was to obtain all these things too, somehow. And I couldn't even figure out how to start. I had mastered tying my shoes and what an accomplishment, I did this before the other kids, but it wasn't enough. They hated me because everyone hated me and that was just the way it was, so get used to it, loser.
ReplyDeleteTruth was. And this hurted to find this out. I was supposed to be enough in this world, just the way I was. This was never something to accomplish, this was an actual birthright, for all of us. Once I stepped into authenticity, which I could never be, because I wasn't good enough, but once I stepped into it, everything started to change. Not my mindset though, still working on it, but being enough is something that I am, regardless if I'm doing lousy, for this is the birthright. Once I began the journey into my true self it forced me to stop accepting the crumbs from others. I walk away when I need to. Seeing through all the crap, I could never be put down again, even if I am put down, it is acknowledged that I am enough just the way I am. When things come at me now, they have to go through that filter, and its very telling at times.
I passed all the cancer tests, I outlived mother, who wanted me to die, wanted to see my death, she was smirking the day away at my brother's funeral. There is nothing but evil in these people. There is nothing to bother with trying to impress them, they are not worthy of human interaction, thus I don't bother with them.
If you were to have everything, owned the whole world even, does it even matter if you've given up your own soul? And billionaires will not live longer than a hundred years, they still have to die, get cancer, what really matters in the end? A perfectly sculpted body will not give you more life, bring you more love, it all means nothing really.
It is tough to be ourselves. I was told NOT to be me. It was weird at school in the 1970s they would tell us "be yourself" and I'd go home where "me" was hated.
DeleteI was put down at all family meetings. If I was not mocked and made fun of, when I got older and they knew I would protest or yell back, they just did it more subtle. A shake of the head, bored rolling eyes, walking out of the room when I tried talking to them. I tried so hard and wasted every minute.
So I went out in the world too like you, they hated me too just like the family. I still can't figure that out. Was my head down so much, the beats of loser loser loser going through my head? It seemed I was hated even when I tried to be assertive and fight back. I think hate is infectious, when my family hated me all the family friends and relatives did too. They knew hands off and even the nicer ones kept very distant. I was the "loser" who hadn't worked in 20 years and had the "monster" body. Now I know if a narc enters the room and targets me, it will get others to hate me, they seem to do it by magic no matter how much you stand up for yourself.
I agree we were supposed to just be. We didn't have to prove ourselves. It's the proving that allows the evil to swoop in, the wanting to impress. I'm training myself not to care if people like me. No more jumping for crumbs. One of the flying monkeys wrote me on Facebook who I have ghosted, I hate that the message was read by accident, I noticed as she wrote I love and miss you, she made sure to tell me about her birthday! She ignored mine. Why should I care? It's just the general guilt inducement. The others never say love this was my brother's girlfriend. I did not respond of course.
I am glad becoming authentic helped changed things for you. I'm working on it. I'm tired of feeling like status is a brick hitting my head but the narc family set that up, that I had no worth and had to prove it. I agree now I am seeing through the crumbs too. "I love you" can even be a crumb. Yes one can judge even the put downs and see the jealousy and more.
continuing...
DeleteI am glad you outlived your mother. One reason I am still alive and people may not realize this, is I didn't want people standing over my coffin smirking and mocking me in death. I don't want to be talked about as the "rebel" and "blacksheep" and be made out to not be good enough to be buried in the family cemetery. Now I have made it so they will have nothing to do with me in death, I will plan that there will be no people like Tiffany Sedaris's family pawing through her art work and papers. I didn't expect to make it this old. That is sick she smirked at your brother's funeral. Mine will smirk at my aunt's memorial service, if it ever happens. She will play suffering martyr sister and get every ounce of supply out of it she can as she used the woman to look good next to for decades. Already people signing the online funeral guestbook, are speaking MORE of my mother then of my aunt. I wish I could puke on all of them. How does that happen when these are people who lived in the same community as my aunt, and my mother has lived at least 120 miles away for more then 30 years?
Yes I have quit too, they are evil. I don't care about impressing them. Even the creep trying to shame me, I don't care what she thinks about me. I think others saw through her and knew I was in for it and walking blind into a trap, being pre-NC when I met her my eyes hadn't been opened about things yet.
I was put to the test even as a Christian, told to sell my soul to please them and refusing across the board. Being NC can be a commandment from God Himself. Don't you stick around and sell out. They hate that I have made the stands I have. It's true even the richest have only a short 100 or less years. The body sculpters and others especially on the Lipedema boards, they have bought into the sick society dream of caring only about the body sculpting and the idea of perfection according to the world they never will obtain. The whole thing gave me a headache. I'm avoiding some of those places now elsewhere online.
Yes, once I got to just be myself, this forced me to see past people's lies. I would like to hone my own conscience, it is not up for someone else to do for me. But I had to love even those things about myself I didn't like, first, so I could do anything about changing it, if I needed to.
DeleteIts sad that your mother used your aunt to prop herself up, and continues to do so now, playing martyr. Such good, positive narcissistic supply there.
This reminds me of the narc that works at the food bank with me, she said that she "Does too much here, she is here more than the others, she doesn't see the need to sit at home on her butt."
She said that in front of the rest of us volunteers, and it made people uncomfortable, but I didn't feel uncomfortable. I wondered to myself, why is she even here then? If it is not a blessing to be here, we are not getting paid, why bother?
Just another reason to get propped up. But even by her saying that, I was realizing that if I said the same thing, people would hate me, how do they get away with such blatancy?
So I don't care about impressing them, or giving reasons why I'm at home sitting on my butt. Gosh, they are so weird.
I think being ourselves it will be easier to see the lies because we will be paying more attention to what is being said to us rather then worrying about molding ourselves to some person who may not have our best interests at heart.
DeleteI agree about loving yourself too to change and hone one's own conscience.
Yes it is sad my mother used that aunt to prop herself up, that was decades in coming. My aunt was used for narc feedings to the max. She did make things worse for me. I think the family hates me more because I am far more strong-willed then my aunt ever was. I almost threw up one day it was in 2011 and my aunt told me she apologized to my mother for messing up her trailer, it was so slavish, my head hurt.
She will play martyr to the hilt, I "lost my sister". Like this is someone who even cares or would cry over anyone?
Oh I get sick of the narcs who whine constantly about how much they do. Then don't do it. No one else is ever good enough and is "lazy". My mother blathered on with that. I wonder if she will remember how she tortured my aunt lecturing her over perfect housework when she just had heart surgery.
I am glad the other volunteers were uncomfortable and not joining in on her narc fest. Some use volunteer work as show off sessions, also it gives them access to people who have troubles and challenges to feed on. They all brag how much they do for others and how everyone is so lazy. Their opinion of people who need food pantries probably isn't that high either.
I agree why is she even here then? I have a big mouth and could see me asking
I hate how the narcs get away with so much, rude to the max, yes if we said the same thing we would be hated. I know everytime I call out a narc the crowd turns on me, I'd be the one with the big mouth asking, "Why are you even here then?"
I agree I don't care about impressing them anymore anyway. Nothing is good enough so why bother. I'll do what I want.
I love this. Excellent post!
ReplyDeleteI also got the feeling they hated anyone who was real.
Thanks. They definitely do. They wanted me to be fake too and when I wasn't is when it all down. Now I know a "friendship" is doomed for failure when they start reigning me in telling me what to talk about and not. Well some have seen even one ex-narc "friend" troll on my blog to tell me what to do and not to do.
DeleteI've seen many similar instances in music circles -- I remember going to a conference in Chicago once. One of the workshops was a demo session run by a guy who was a big name dropper (Crosby, Stills & Nash being one of the names that he freely dropped to impress all of us unknowing groundlings). At one point, somebody asked, "What does really it take to be successful?" To which he said, "Be yourself" -- this after he (and the other masterminds present) jumped on songs that had notable tempo changes, or words that didn't follow typical rhyming schemes or formats. Not surprisingly, the guy's comment drew a lot of scornful laughter -- you could almost hear the "As if!" retort coming out of every breath. At that point -- having brought a tape along myself -- I suddenly felt a hell of a lot of better for being smart enough to hang back, and see what would happen. --Mr. Peep
ReplyDeleteHi Mr. Peep, I am glad that musician said that. Hey he was being creative. Some of the others didn't like it. I figure success does come more easily to those who allow themselves freedom to fully be themselves. No half-measures and holding back. For even the self-made critics of this blog, did they step out on the pedestal showing their writing and life to the world, no??? well then shut up! With art work, I had the censorship crew withhold it long it enough.
DeleteI moved closer to my family in late 2013, and are no closer today. I have suffered greatly from moving,and had no idea what their intentions were. I have gone through every level,and I don't think you left out one. Memories make me not sleep at night, and avoid people during the day until my psychosis subsides. My wife and I spent fifteen years together,even through hellish arguments,fights and all. We came up here,and she was gone in a matter of months. I never saw family as evil,neither do I want to. I guess I'm still looking for more answers,but ,what I really want to know is,how has the last few years treated you,are you still NC? Can you actually stay sane? I can't take it so much, I got on the phone with my sister the other day when I was drunk, and offered the same brother in law that I accused of with my wife a birthday present when I she said she wasn't getting him anything. I am also being constantly stalked online and off,they try to bully me but I fight back. How do you get out of bed when you feel you can't?
ReplyDeleteSorry you moved closer and it didn't work out. Where you hoping for improvement of the relationships? I have heard that from other ACONs who moved closer hoping things will improve. Sorry you have gone through so many levels. I know not wanting to admit a family is evil, it's hard. It took me a long road to get to that point. Everyone wants to think a family has best intentions but many do not. Remember Jesus preached division could come in some families.
DeleteI am still NC, it hasn't been always easy. I have lost more relationships--niece stopped writing. Now I have just gone quiet with the few that were left. It is hard I know it. The loss of no family and this was complicated by my growing older and childlessness is tough.
Having a divorce added on in your case, probably has led to the pain and worry in breaking away. I hope if you are feeling depressed you can find others to talk to. All these losses can pile up and it's normal to feel terrible. I would try and avoid drunk dialings and stay away from your abusers. Narcs can feed off pain of losses and divorce.
With the bullying is there anyway to simply stay away from them? Remember the law provides restraining orders if they do not leave you alone. Some states have stalking laws too. Low contact can be an introductory option if you feel you can't go totally cold turkey no contact.
Fighting back with narcs is usually a losing gambit because they don't follow the rules of conscience [some not even the rules of law] of normal people. Protect yourself. I've wanted to write cuss out letters and tell you off emails. I have a bad habit of wanting the last word but with narcs getting away is the first order of business.
The early years of no contact are not easy, I'm not going to lie. It can be very rough and if you have other life pressures even harder. Praying for you. I've had days where I haven't wanted to get out of bed, in my case prayed to God or called "REAL" friends/talked to husband, but obviously with my other posts I have to be careful about turning to others like the catfish. Stay safe and away. If you feel that you moved mistakenly perhaps moving away may help your life especially if you live close enough to be stalked. Plan ahead for this. I've moved away from terrible places.
I am 75 miles away from the nearest relative [1000 for half the year] and at least 250-300 miles from others so mine have to go a bit out of their way to harrass me. SO consider that too. If you got them one street over you may have a more complicated issue on your hands but legally you don't have to talk to anyone you do not.
Hope things change for the better for you. Counseling if you can manage it, I could not afford but a few sessions but wish I could have gotten more, also is important. Find a counselor mindful of abusers and narcs and not a "go reconcile" at all costs type.