Thursday, April 7, 2016
Expectations of Narcissists and More
Hmmm what were/are the expectations?
Family: I am supposed to make 6 figures plus a year and be a super-lawyer or accountant and have three children, own a Mercedes Benz, a large 4 bedroom plus suburban home and weigh around 115lbs or under. 130lbs would be "too fat". I am supposed to have no feelings, squelch any conscience to make a buck, reject being an art teacher, have short hair, dress butch, be cleaner and neater then Martha Stewart and do everything my mother told me to do and be another Mini-Me.
Health Boards: I am supposed to starve myself and go on constant fasts. One recent board I don't plan to post on anymore suggested eating less then 500 calories 4 days a week. To stop being 500lbs, I should do everything possible to lose weight and starve myself even if the hunger pain is unyielding. I should eat Keto and give up all carbs. I am supposed to exercise every minute.
My claims that I pass out from Adkins and diets like that is extreme and means I am a "special" person, that does not fit the norm. My entire life should be dedicated to how I look and what I weigh and "fitting into mainstream society". I am supposed to have tens of thousands of dollars for liposuction, specialized customized compression and trips to various seminars.
Present day Doctor: I am supposed to keep track of dozens of prescriptions and never make a mistake on anything.
Diabetes: I am supposed to take endless blood sugars, and never eat anything besides vegetables and measure all carbs compulsively. My fasting blood sugars must always remain from 100-110 points. I should cook all "clean" foods for hours a day.
Various Narcs "Frenemies" I kicked to the curb: I must never complain and definitely censor complaining blog posts, art and more. My art must all be positive and bright and bring cheer and make tons of money. I must lose weight or be working on it or be apologetic for my very existence.
I must volunteer constantly and be in service to others every second and work my way to heaven proving myself to be a good person. I must be cleaner and have thousands of dollars to have my apartment painted and buy new furniture and new clothes. I must be a "disabled inspiration" that brings joy to others and be a smiling cipher who never protests and votes Republican. I must "get a job" and get my lazy self off disability. I am not to share any religious or political opinions they find offensive and if they reject Christianity I am supposed too as well. I am supposed to be positive and an inspiration and bear all things with sweet compliance and not argue with doctors or anyone else or make demands for decent treatment. I am supposed to think a certain way and get my brain in order. My controversial opinions about size acceptance and politics need tampered down. I am supposed to not complain while listening to their complaints. I am supposed to be available on the phone day or night even 8 times a day when it came to one of them.
Church I left: I was supposed to give ten percent of my income, and dress like Michelle Duggar, and always be smiling and positive. I was supposed to vote Republican and rant against 'lazy deadbeats" on welfare and support the troops without murmur. I must always listen to the pastor and his extraordinary wisdom and never talk about anything too deep. I was supposed to be middle class or above, drive a nice car and have a fully employed husband at a high paying job. I am supposed to only care about housekeeping and cooking and not read too much.
Size Acceptance Ideologues: I am supposed to not write or talk about how being fat is hard on a physical or other basis. I am supposed to embrace HAES and not worry about weight gain. I am to keep my theories to myself about the real causes of obesity and demand for real answers and help. I am to conform to the herd otherwise I deserve banning and isolation. My blog should be like Ragen Chastains where I write about going on marathons and how healthy I am at around 500lbs. I should preach accept your body, and not complain about being scared of not being able to walk, diabetes or other com-morbidities of obesity.
Obviously I did not meet these expectations nor do I want to. One odd result of going NC for an ACON, is you start taking a look at the demands people make of you. You tell yourself in your head, "I am going to do what I want now". "I am going to paint, write, and say what I want!" and not censor myself constantly. Walking on eggshells through life stinks, where you feel like you have to hide yourself to be "acceptable". Expectations can form a prison cell, even a prison cell of depression when there are expectations and demands that are impossible but then I think often they are designed to be impossible. One cell block I have to break out of is the people please mode. Part of me has realized lately, I am going to piss a lot of people off just being who I am and the things I felt led to write about and make a stand against. I have to be me.
Narcissists get a high off criticizing people and making impossible demands. I think about the ones who were far from perfect who served as judge and jury over me and always trying to tell me what to do, say and be. Narcissists use criticism, impossible demands, blame and shame to control people and distract from their own failings.