Sunday, August 2, 2015
Goodbye to Worm-hood
Goodbye to Worm-hood.
What has two years of NC wrought? I'm tired of being treated like a worm and there seems to be a lot of narcissistic trash to clean out.
Sure inside I worry I will be left alone, but better alone then disrespected and treated like a worm.
I realize that doctor caught me on a bad day, I felt sick and weak and illness was taking over. Sometimes this week I am angry because if I had not gotten so stressed the tide may have not turned for the worse. For once I wanted the jerk brigade to ease up. I was so sick, I felt like tossing my phone out the window and nailing the door shut. I didn't want to deal with anyone.
When he lectured me not answering the phone I should have answered "Maybe you should learn how to knock on a door." Ah the things I didn't say.
I am pondering the now possibility that I was gas-lighted because I get my COPD medicine and CPAP supplies by surprise--yeah I know the general week, and I never have missed the mailman, who knocks with a firm knock on the door to deliver these things! Yes I'm hearing impaired but its a metal door where the sound carries. Even if I was crying, they should not have ignored me, and I only cried two minutes not for an hour or anything. It puts me on severe edge to have a doctor I am unsure about. The fact he was so soon to criticize me, means the guy gets one more chance and if he treats me bad, I will complain. I have asked my husband to sit in on the next session with me.
I'm praying he tells his boss to transfer me, that he sees me as a pain in the butt and a "troublemaker", maybe I will get my old doctor back, the one I can talk to without fear.
The other week, the dental assistant lectured me overly and even asked me "Did you brush your teeth?" I got a Water-Pik I am using daily but sometimes I have thought about that question and her criticisms. Is it because I am a charity patient? Her teeth are crooked and brown while mine are mostly white and straight except for all the fillings. Is she jealous? Does she hate fat people? Does she consider it my fault my teeth are rotting fast? She lectures me like I am ten years old. Even if I was strung out on crack, and meth and sleeping in the gutter and don't own one toothbrush, it's none of her business.
I think the diabetes getting out of control altered the ph of my mouth. I brushed my teeth for a long time that morning. Her asking me if I brushed them, felt like an insult. There is one nice dental assistant and then this one. One thing when poor people speak of subtle or overt put-downs, they are real!
These are two times I wanted to tell people off but shut up because I need their services and am dependent on them but I do know with the doctor unless he had a bad day and I really did not hear the door--maybe my nebulizer drowned out the knocking, he gets one more chance and if he is mean, he will be out. If he is nice, then things will be okay. I don't know exactly what happened which is the only reason for the second chance!
With the dental assistant the next time she asks me if I brushed my teeth, I am going to tell her, "No more lectures!". I actually brush my teeth three times a day. I will simply say, "No more!". You have to know inside I don't want to lose my charity status there, and maybe the woman knows it. Maybe she thinks she is being helpful but I have to say something if it keeps happening. If she claims I am not brushing my teeth after using a Water-Pik everyday that blasts the teeth hard, then I will know she is trying to get my goat and messing with me.
I can't take anymore disrespect not from anyone. I'm wore out from it. It seems there aren't enough people who want to remind me of my lowly status. Even the guy who wrote, "We need to talk" all over my Facebook page and then blew me off is going to hear something about it. To me this is clear disrespect and has moved him to undependable status in my mind. Do you think I am going to do any more favors for him? Nope. Unless he has been hospitalized or is homeless from his girlfriend kicking him out, then not many excuses will cut it.
There was a lesson to be learned there too, I want to be helpful and nice and I get burned. Years ago at a volunteer gig, these people were angry I did not make a good brochure, I sweated for hours. I am a bad graphic designer even if a good painter and drawer. These folks talked me into doing a brochure for our self help group. Big mistake. I had a new program, on my computer, and couldn't figure it out. They were angry I didn't come up with the goods fast enough. If you do volunteer work or things in your community, take some advice from me. Avoid doing brochures like the plague. No one is ever happy with them. The computer programs are over-complicated and impossible to use. I finally got a simple one done on older computer but can tell they are not happy with that either. People often will make demands while not giving any real help.
I need to take care of myself and not sign up for things I am wary of. A lesson learned this time around. I even said, I was worried about doing it but should have just said the word "NO".
It wears me out that there are simply so many mean people out there. Some of these people seem to feel no compunction in trying to correct or criticize me. That is one thing I have noticed that seems to be happening to me. I have sat and analyzed the reasons trust me. The fix-it jerks have pushed me to my limits.
Do people see me as weak? Is it low status in American society? Is it my poverty where they think this is some "loser" fat woman they can just kick around? A life spent dealing with this crap to be frank is tearing me apart. I am tired and have become more socially anxious. I am tempted to fly the middle finger flag and slam the door in their faces too.
That one ex-friend did a number on me. The weekend before she decided to skewer me, we were laughing together. She appeared like she was having fun. She must be the best damn actress in the world. There are people who have no loyalty to anyone. She wrote me in our last emails, how we laughed together ". I should have wrote back, "Was it all fake?" Some people do not even attach the same way. They "move on" from things and people. I remember this quality in my mother.
Since I got away from the project friend, these are things coming to my mind. Why do people want to "correct" me so badly? Why do they only see me as a fix-it project and not a human being? It seems to be happening all over. It has brought me a lot of self-analysis. It has taught me to keep my mouth more shut about my problems but even there too many show.
What does it mean when people expect things of you, you really cannot deliver? I don't want to spend my life being emotionally beaten up by people telling me, "I am not good enough or that I don't do enough." I want healthy and loving and trustworthy relationships. I have my marriage and good friends but I am being burned too often.
The worse thing that happens with ACONS is these narcissistic parents set us up for a life time of this garbage. We are never loved, we are told day in and day out that nothing is good enough. It sets us up when it comes to other people. We have been trained by the narcissistic parents to take abuse. The world figures out too fast when people have no allies or kinfolk who care. One thing about children who are bullied, is I believe most are being bullied at home too. Predators pick up on those who are vulnerable and have no one to protect them.
This meme is absolutely correct that the abuse of our parents sets us up for more abuse later. Being an Aspie can even complicate this further.
An old close college friend of mine and I have had these discussions about what has happened to us. This friend lives long distance but we talk weekly. We used to say that others could tell we had been abused and we had been "marked" somehow bringing abuse from others. I do think while this is true to an extent, it is not our fault, the way we were raised in being deferential, in being hyper-vigilant to other's needs and emotions actually set things up for more abuse.
I know my abusers fed off my fear and desire to please. Fear is something they feed off of and get their jollies off. My severe poverty was something my evil mother used, and I believe she helped to set it up too. Not getting your daughter needed medical help is one way to ensure severe poverty as an adult.
As I got older and started fighting back some it helped some of the abuse I got from other people. Things improved when I lived in my older town, but I was younger too. I think because I am so sick and have felt more vulnerable, the wolves have come out to play more.
These are issues I definitely plan to work on with my therapist. I know the evil criticisms of narcissists and dealing with being a severe chronically ill woman and Aspie have mixed together in a bad stew. This is something to free myself from.
I am working on myself, because I don't want to people please anymore or give way for abusers. With these two circumstances, while I am taking a wait and see stance, I may be put in the place of having to protect myself. It gets wearing that it is required over and over. Life is filled with so much BS because of narcissists and their ilk.
My only answer for all this is to say "goodbye to worm-hood". Part of me worries I will die, standing up against people abusing me in general but I can't take it anymore anywhere. I've had enough. I know some nice people and good friends who are often too far away but even they are telling me that the numbers of jerks seem to have taken off like a rocket. They feel worn out. Some feel lonely and bereft too save for our mutual friendships. Even ones who are far more financially stable then me, are going through abusive doctors and handy-man gauntlets. This world is getting meaner and meaner. I fear a chilling of my own soul just from dealing with so many evil people.
I went no contact two years ago thinking, "Im done with being a worm." I was focused on the family but now I realize how many other toxics have wiggled their way in. This world seems full of cold, mean, boy-scouts and girl-scouts from the gates of hell.
One thing I started doing, is criticizing people back who had no problem unloading criticism on me. It is something I have to remember to do when circumstances call for it. Us Aspies don't naturally work this way. I get too scared especially if it is someone I perceive as having some power over me but even there, I need to not let cowardice make me back down before narcissists. Right now I will give benefit of the doubt because I don't maybe know what happened for sure, but if I see anymore evidence of meanness, I won't put up with it.
Some may say, that is not very Christian, but why should I sit there, and allow others to rip me to shreds and act like they are superior to me? They have faults too. They have no problem saying whatever they want to me. Some of them do things that bother me that I remained silent and quiet about. The wolves will rend you. You can't trust them. Every word out of their mouth is a lie.
Lobbing back a criticism can be a good test to see if you are dealing with a narcissist or not. Why? Because narcissists are perfect and don't do anything wrong, they are superior. One little mild criticism will make a narcissist get immediately angry. I don't recommend sending them into rages around you on a regular basis but at least this will help you know what you are dealing with, and then at that point its time to GET AWAY. You will know you are wasting your time and that a wolf has entered in the door. Narcissists never say they are sorry or apologize either. Don't waste your breathe waiting for that one.
I don't want any more of their crap criticism. All it ever did was rip me down. They never really helped. They expected me to fix the American economy and to control sociopaths behind desks with remote control. I was supposed to become a perfect housewife on money that would leave many in the street. None of them went through what I went through. You want to judge someone who has been severely sick since their 20s? Kiss my butt! Their lives have been coasting down easy street screwing people over right and left. The same goes for my spoiled mother with her new cars and vacations.
One thing I have noticed in our sick society is how everything now is about measuring up. Maybe I am around a bunch of soul-less and brainwashed people but I feel like vomiting. They all get out their measuring sticks, and they aren't measuring character, or kindness or anything like that but your body, your money, what you own. And if you are found lacking, they condemn and judge you. Their judgments mean nothing.
It hurts you know. They treat me like someone like themselves with no feelings. They seem to have none. They give you long lists of bullcrap with cold dead eyes. They think if you are disabled or fat or have lower status they don't even have to give you basic respect. It makes me sick. Every human being on this planet deserves respect especially ourselves.
I'm not putting up with it anymore. Goodbye to worm-hood.