Monday, August 10, 2015

Today's Angst

I could use some hope in this life instead of just waiting for the next. God doesn't seem to be answering my prayers lately. I am not sure why. While God sends other people endless grandbabies and new opportunities, life for me is going nowhere. I even prayed about moving from here again. Were the ants all over my apartment floor last night a sign to leave? Who knows? Anyhow my life seems devoid of spiritual direction.

My relationship with God is being severely tested. You know things are wrong when you are praying prayers at 4am begging God to send you some hope and justice in this world. Even there, I have to be careful and keep my mouth shut, because the spiritual abusers of the world will glom on to your misery. They will tell you that you are a spiritual mess due to some evils and sin within you and like the narcs will tell you everything is your own fault and that God has refused His blessings because you are a "bad" person.   During one sermon at my old church, that pastor preached that God would bless you if you obeyed Him. What of a Christian this does not happen to?

Then there's some guy who posted on the ostracized article that I should go get revenge and stop being a wimp--I'm paraphrasing but even there I wonder why the narcissists continue to prosper and I sink lower. I'm not into jail cells and going to hell. The church world will pat you on the head and tell you "God is in control" making you feel like everything is your fault even more. So you mean it's God rewarding the narcs while life gets harder and harder for the rest of us? I hope not.

 I was born again 14 years ago and remember the hope and energy of that time. I believe my relationship with God kept me alive years past where I would have not been. I have prayed to God to send some real people around me locally or at least show me where to go. I meet them all the time online but real life seems a social wasteland. Aren't Christians supposed to witness and be a shining light? One wants their life to have some meaning.

It's not a good feeling if you just feel like you are going through the motions and you wonder if you will wake up in hell because you hate humanity.

So much of the Christian world is completely family oriented. If you have no family, they make you feel like you are a bad Christian. I'd move back to my old church if was still open. That was a real church family. Where does a Christian fit in that never had any children and whose entire family hates them?  My niece isn't writing me anymore. Queen Spider killed that relationship successfully. While she had her entire family there for her, her entire life, she took everyone away from me. Why does it seem like she always wins? Why do all obey her without question?  God needs to help me out here. It seems odd, that God couldn't intervene just once to give me some hope. Why would God want me to be spiritually destroyed dealing with all this garbage?

I'm not made of stone. I love all my nieces and nephews but wanted that niece especially in my life. This hurts me of course. I can't tell if I am too easily hurt and need to toughen up or if I am just dealing with cold people who have no feelings. Of course I am so used to be told how I feel is wrong, I'm scared to feel anything. Why are all these people so cold?

I seem to be dealing with some severe grief I cannot fathom. I thought it would lift with time but it doesn't seem to be. This may be territory for the counselors. Maybe I am not grieving only the lost of my family which never existed in the first place but all my other losses in this life. I have fought serious health problems for many years and now I am tired.

Obviously my life did not go very well. I even feel grief over things that happened to my husband. I am worried about him too. I am worried about other friends as well.  I'm not sure why so much of it is welling up. I even had this weird thought that I wish I could go to local grief counseling. I had some friends die a few years ago, but it feels deeper then that. Too many losses? Fear of more? There is a deep sadness I can't even explain, a mixture of deep, deep disappointment and grief. Is my No Contact failing? Did I make my life worse with it? I knew a price of going NC could be losing every family member. How is one supposed to deal with an entire family who hates you and doesn't care if you live or die? What if you are failing to do what makes no contact successful which is living our own life in the best way you can?

At this point, it seems if life had some fairness or justice, it seems just about now would be the time I would win the Lotto, but that is the stuff of dreams that never come true.  Real Life is Disappointment. Real Life is looking forward to stuff that never happens. Adult life sucks. No one tells you it sucks to get old. Is that too dark? Yes inside I am screaming at myself already for being like this and telling myself to "get it together". I worry about writing another angst filled article here. Yes I am depressed and yes I have tried to pull myself out of it. Daily I do just to get out of bed.  I tell myself life could be worse, and I could be homeless or without a husband or any friends but then I just feel more guilty. I try to focus on the small pleasures to keep from going insane, but I'm not sure what to do in general. Even while writing this article my computer did a Mini-Dump. I always feel like everything is going to fall apart.

I am going deaf. It is worsening. I can't hear anyone. I am often confused. I am sending out an application with a fee I could barely afford for a Digital hearing aid. Digital hearing aids are for the wealthy and I will never be able to afford one if I am turned down by this charity. I went to a hearing impairment club in my town, it was full of all these people who could hear far better then me and had the finances to buy digital hearing aids worth tens of thousands of dollars and cochlear implants. Don't I have enough to cope with? Who do you talk about going deaf to as an adult? Why do I always have problems there seems to be no answers for or one has to be wealthy to get answers?

I hate where I live. Its beautiful and has many offerings but the people here scare me. They are too closed-mouth, too upper class, and  too rejecting. Never, never make the mistake I did and move away from an area when you are near middle-aged. Don't do it. You will be buying yourself a lonely old age.  Past a certain age, and especially if you are an Aspie and disabled you will not be able to make any new friends. It's too hard. I have many good friends online and long distant but I still desire to know people locally.  People by their 40s have their social circles already set. I have run out of ideas. We have had many discussions about what to do. Both of us see and recognize the severe isolation. My husband says he is worried most about our survival but I worry about our spirits.

I see no opportunity in meeting anyone new here. I've already done the book club circuit, the art classes, churches, etc. Healthwise my energy is very limited.   I can't seem to get close to anyone here unlike my old community. Permanent acquaintances can be nice, but you remain a stranger to everyone. There are no eccentrics or non-richy rich artists here. Even going downtown to sit on a bench, you just meet tourists who aren't from here. I and my husband sit on park benches and have no friends. It is very sad. There's no one to talk to. We feel constantly judged here and found wanting. I can't seem to get an actual life together here. As an Aspie it never has been easy especially while being disabled.

Anyhow that said, why do they have senior centers for the old to socialize but nothing for the younger disabled? We are lonely too. In some ways we need a place to go more then the old do. The senior centers should allow the permanently disabled to join their ranks. The one here does not.

 Before I got sick last week, I actually ran crying into the bathroom and yelled at my husband, "Remember when they gave us a party at my old church to say goodbye?" "Remember when we had my art show and a goodbye party there too? We had some people actually notice we were alive there!" Most of the time while I'm pouring problems out here, around here I have to hide them, and appear like I have it "together". The classism here is severe. I feel like a "nobody" around here. They never fail to remind me of my invisibility.

Moving here destroyed my life, I have not felt right since we moved here. It was eight years ago. We hoped for a better future only to have it taken away. Yes there is more medical care and better restaurants but it feels dead here for me. Even after I gave it a chance, more disappointment came like with that betraying ex-friend. She may even still read this blog but I know now it is an absolute fact she has no empathy for other people.

I know something has been harmed in me simply by moving too much. I have no roots. I have nowhere that feels like "home". There's no there "there". Even my narcissist parents ripped me away from my communities as a child over and over.  One move was at the age of 7 and then another at the age of 13 to entirely new states. I never had a family who loved me and now I have no place I really belong. Nothing worse could happen to a person. So wonder I have no place of belonging.  I was a throw-away and forgotten about. Being the new person too many times, destroys one's life. Also when you have several friends die, the moorings get thrown over board too. I meet people and they have these close social networks, family who are there for them. I do meet others in my boat online but I never do in the real world. The real world seems to dance where they all know and have each other.

A close college friend and me discuss this all the time. How we were ripped away from friends and others over and over, to the point nothing could be depended on. I told her, the move when I was 13 almost ruined me. The abuse was bad enough that I faced but I always was ripped away from my friends and places and people of refuge. She told me she felt the same way too. I told her, all the moving as an adult was usually done for economic necessity but it wasn't worth it because it never fixed those problems either. Of course in some cases, we had to move or be homeless when work was totally erased. We both agreed we would have been happier in the old days when people moved less. Even here some people left I had gotten to know.

This is going to sound very sad, but one reason we have not moved this time yet, is we have not decided yet where to go. Where can two poor, middle aged, one disabled and the other with severe health problems move to and have some sort of life? We have no money to move. We have no energy to move. Neither one is in shape to pack and move things.

One wants to feel like they belong somewhere. One wants to have friends and a place of meaning. One wants to feel like there is something to look forward to. One wants to be around people who care and just don't throw you away. We are poor and struggle as you all know.  We have to survive which may mean holding on to this apartment. When your credit is toast and you are not employed in the traditional manner in my husband's case, even being able to rent a new place could be impossible.  While we want to survive, I feel trapped. I keep revisiting the time we decided to move here, and realize how it destroyed my life and who I am as a person. Modern life sucks.

I feel distressed over the sufferings of others too. I found out yesterday this depressed woman I knew in my old town died. She was the woman who was suicidal I was trying to reach out to years ago, but her mother didn't seem to want her to have outside friends. Sometimes you look someone up and then in shock discover they are dead. She died at the age of 41. I asked a mutual friend if she knew what happened but she said she did not and that she had lost her mother only a few years earlier. Such things make me feel very sad.

I don't feel like the same person here anymore. Like I have lost who I am. The silence, the being closed out, the having no where to belong has gotten to me. My husband doesn't feel right here either. We take refuge in each other and in our hobbies but something is wrong. There's few people out there who understand people who have no family and who never had children of their own. I was very sick in my old town but I missed who I was there. One friend told me that life no longer exists there, and she is right, but what of now? What do we do now? Is it us? Is it this place? I am not sure.

Something happened to me from all the losses. I don't feel much hope anymore which is semi-embarrassing for a Christian to admit. I am frustrated with the body, with everything.

What happens to a Christian too where life has been full of so much disappointment? Why does God answer some prayers and not others? Why did God allow these things to happen to my life? I'm not sure what to do. Taking a bunch of Prozac to numb it out isn't the answer. Some may say "Stop with the self-pity" but I really am sad. I can't deny these feelings. I wish God would help me too, or send me some relief.


  1. I wish there was something I could say to bring some comfort to you my dear friend. I have a smidgen of understanding of what you're going through. Wife and I feel like aliens where we moved to. We got each other. And that's it.

    I hope there's someone, anyone, who may happen upon this commentary who views narcissistic abuse, narcissistsm, NPD, etc. from an analytical, science like basis. I won't name names, but there are quite a few "experts" on the internet who seem to approach narcissism as if it's just any other disorder that we must come to intellectually understand. What we call narcissism seems to fascinate some of the "counselors" I stumble across on-line. I think this gut wrenching piece that flowed from the depths of your heart would do some good for people who view NPD from a cold, clinical perspective.

    I hope someone reads this post and gains a little more understanding on what we talk about when we talk about narcissistic abuse

    It devastates

    It destroys

    It is pure darkness and pure evil

    I have no words to tell you how I resent so called Christians who would tell someone who is experiencing what you are experiencing to buck it up, get it together, quit feeling sorry for yourself and put on that happy christian smile for the world to see

    I know this will sound trite and cliche', but I'm going to say it anyway. The elements of your inner life that revolted your wicked "mother" so will be the very attributes that lead and direct your path out of the darkness you find yourself in and on the right path. I'm referring to the creative energy and brilliant light resident in your innermost being

    1. Hi Smakintosh,

      Thanks for your kind words. This one was hard to write, I almost erased it. I didn't want to write all depressive stuff on my blog, etc. It is how I am feeling today, it is very difficult. When I'm sick too some of the feelings can come bubbling up even worse. Thanks for understanding. I'm sorry you feel like aliens too where you moved. We are considering moving too for my reasons above. The costs here are rising as well. Also there is less to keep us here. It does sound like you are in our boat too. We only have each other as well. That said, I feel for any single ACONs out there who are navigating the world alone.

      I hope too that someone who is analytical about narcissism too will see this and see the true wake of destruction they leave and what they do to people. I don't like the counselors who are so fascinated by narcissism like it is something good and just like any other disorder, where the person "can't help it". I believe it is a spiritual choice, no doubt of that.

      The "Christians" were very hard on me. Yes I was told all of that, "stop ruminating", "buck up", "quit feeling sorry for yourself". This is something way too many ACONs go through in the "Christian" community.

      Thanks regarding your last paragraph. I hope so too. I am praying to find my way out. No one wants to live life immersed in these dark clouds. I am praying to God to show me the way out. God bless you Smakintosh.

  2. I can't figure out what self pity is? Feeling sad over very overwhelming circumstances is a normal thing. And praying to God over and over and still nothing, is hard to say the least. He does that sometimes, its scriptural, and we must trust him regardless, but that don't help either. Telling someone to cheer up in these circumstances is very lazy of them. Where are all the good people we need right now? Why is all of society going so narcissistic? Why are we so alone?

    All the half-truths, greed, etc., is so hard to deal with. I'm trying to learn about narcissism and its more than just about my mother. Its all of society has gone this way, and I have to figure out how to live.

    Why am I so alone too? There are very few people I can talk to. I know I go to church and quilting guild and I volunteer, but everywhere I go there is no sense. People just stream around my hubby but not me. He has the trusting heart, I don't. I am alone.

    If you only just had real people, life would be so much better. I'm praying that God will help you through this.

    1. Self pity can be an overused term that's for sure as narcs will accuse people with feelings as having it. I agree we are supposed to "pray without ceasing".It is not always easy. I wonder too why there are so many narcs. I've met the good people, but they seem spread out among the other kind. Yes the society as a whole has gone narcissistic. There is way too much meanness. Why are good people so isolated?

      I no longer go to church but I volunteer too, I work with a support group for depressed people and am part of it. I try to be out in th community when I can. I may go to stamp club. I do meet friendly people but getting close is another thing. I also realized I was upset since people I cared about moved from here too. Even if you stay in one place people leave.

      I have to figure out how to live too. Yes I need real people. No more of the fakes to trouble me. Thanks for your prayers Joan. I hope things work out for you too. I believe society is becoming a hard place for many of us.

  3. I’m sorry you are dealing with fakers and smear campaigners, and unanswered prayers from God. I still ask similar questions about why God answers some people’s prayers and not some others. I have been reading the book of John lately and it made me think. I need to think more too. Jesus warned his disciples and people he healed like Lazarus that the world would hate them for following Jesus rather than the worldly churches where Pharisees and Sadducees ruled and preached.

    In one passage, the bible mentioned that these religious narcs threw a formerly blind man out of synagogue for following Jesus Christ. When Jesus learned of this, he confronted false preachers and they were angry enough to try to kill him. Jesus slipped away because his time was not up. You could see narc rages and efforts to cover-up too. They also wanted to kill Jesus and “re-kill” Lazarus to cover-up and continue to lie and control people when they preach.

    If you read the book of John again, you will realized that Pharisees and Sadducees were narcs too who ordered clueless Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus. They had their narc rage and anger because Jesus exposed them as liars, frauds, and men who did not love God. Jesus told them the truth and they were angry that Jesus threatened their comfortable existence and sanctuary in the oppressive Roman Empire. They were angry that Jesus healed a blind man, comforted single women, and raised Lazarus from the dead. They were angry that they could not control people if people knew that Jesus was the one who could forgive and save them from going to hell, if they stick with Jesus Christ and God. Many people started to follow Jesus and moved away from Pharisees and Sadducees who did not give them much hope.

    Many fake Christians we have been dealing with and false preachers are like Pharisees and Sadducees. Some are narcs too. There are wealthy people who created their own interpretations of certain bible verses to justify their oppression toward poor and downtrodden people and people who are hurting these days. Republicans law makers and Tea Partiers are examples as well as false preachers like Joel Osteen and religious narcs in our lives, such as our narc mothers and our false friends who are active churchgoers and who are doing project friendships stuff on less fortunate people. There are false Christians who are not willing to sacrifice their comfortable life in order to follow Jesus. So they go to a church and have fellowship with like-minded people who feel the same. We have a choice, follow Jesus or live a comfortable life. We would like to live a comfortable life and see good things before we die, and pray about it. I don’t know why God did not answer all of our prayers.

    I’m sorry you have been ignored and have been left alone when you go out. I wonder if people are ignoring you now than they did last year and earlier this year because of your former false project friend. And not being able to move is very hard. I would have been very angry if I am in this situation. I think you are dealing with people who are railroading you with their silence and smear campaign. It happened to me before with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and false Christians who rejected my friend requests in Facebook. (To Be Continued)

    1. Thanks anon, the fakers and smear campaigners make it tough. I read the book of Job to try and understand why God answers some prayers and not others. Well it is a waste of time to lie to God, I believe I can tell Him how I feel here. Why do some people have such hard lives and some are so blessed? Some even have it far worse then me like homeless people I have seen or others who have suffered.Yes Jesus warned about the Pharisees, and Saducees, religion about appearances, and rituals and how one LOOKED to the outside world. Like narcs they were white-washed sepulchres. Yes these were wicked men acting like malignant narcissists. So I agree with you there. Pontius Pilate in sentencing Jesus to be cruficied was like the covert narcissist doing the enabling and following the crowd. Yes they had their narc rage. They cared nothing about truth. They wanted to do away with Jesus to keep their power intact. The religious system of Jesus's day had him crucified married to the government. This is why we should be wary of Pharisee like churches and those who praise state power, like preachers who sing praises of war from the pulpit.

      More listen to the Republican party and Tea Party politicians then Jesus Christ. One sees this in the Christian churches where they smugly preach, "those who do not work, will not eat" and ignore endless other verses in the Bible about the oppression of the poor.

      Ecc. 5:8 If thou seest the oppression of the poor, and violent perverting of judgment and justice in a province, marvel not at the matter: for he that is higher than the highest regardeth; and there be higher than they.

      Most if Jesus Christ Himself entered their churches would be angry, since he would not be dressed like them and he had no place to lay his head while on this earth. They would be angry seeing him as a homeless man. Sometimes you see those stories, where the pastor plays homeless and dresses in character including raggedy clothes and beard and their church congregations are mean to him while not recognizing him and the pastor will then shame them from the pulpit.

      These folks along with false preachers and churches yes, teach the poor are poor due to their own fault and they deserve poverty. They see the disabled as mooches and "slaves" to social security.More are listening to the gospel of Ayn Rand--social darwinism then the gospel of Jesus Christ. They truly believe in the meritocracy, that those who are "good" will be rewarded for this. Some people have exposed some aspects of Calvinism that influenced our captialist system and how some believe that only human beings who "produce" and have excellent work ethics are the only people who are worthwhile.

      Christian "culture" today revolves around being a certain class [middle class or above in most American states], having a certain look and more. I have noticed in many churches even single people or the childless are sort of to the side, as the focus is on families and people with children.

      I agree with following Jesus first, comfortable life or not. It's hard to understand why some prayers are answered and others are not. This isn't suburban house with a picket fence dreams, perhaps just easing of troubles and relief from pain. We all have our different dreams or desires.

      It is possible I had some smear campaigns here. I know my confidence was affected. Many acquaintances and others are still kind to me, so maybe not too much damage has been done.

      When it came to my NM, if acquaintances talked to here enough, they'd steer clear of me. Narcissists definitely can put one on edge. I am sorry this happened to you with the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and with other false friends.

  4. Even though I am over 3,000 miles away from my main abuser and narcs who wanted to put their claws on me, as much as angry Pharisees and Saducees who tried to put their claws on Jesus before he slipped away and escaped, I still feel the pain of not being able to visit my old friends in the future and not getting respect from these people. These people saw me as their project, a lesser human being, an inferior being, a smiling ape, rather than a woman who could be their friend or somebody who is as good as they are. They saw me as a poor people to control and convert.

    I went to false churches (Calvary Chapel) and joined a false Christian group (Intervarsity Christian Fellowship) in the 1990s. If you look at websites, you will realize that multitudes join these false churches and groups, and that the ones who told the truth, like your old church, closed down due to lack of funds. I went to a Lutheran church that closed down 3 years after a pastor confront a narc false Christian for spiritually abusing people and taking leadership positions so that he could control people.

    We are dealing with classism as well. No matter how intelligent and talented we are, there are people who had more money who will try to control us. Some narcs want their projects for their narc supplies. We no longer want to be somebody’s project so these types are ignoring or rejecting us. Churches today are for classist and false Christians who want to hear lies from pastors. They are paying for pastors to lie to them about their places with God. The ones who are telling the truth or who disciplined narcs and evil people eventually lost their financial support or their church.

    We are moving away from these people. It is one of the reasons why you are being ignored and rejected. I really hope God will do something soon. I know he does not always answer fast enough. It’s frustrating because people are rejecting us and people get so impatient when they don’t see good news coming from you fast enough.

    People are shallow and fake. They are like Pharisees and Sadducees. If you read notes or books written by bible historians, you will realize that the Roman Empire oppressed many poor people and that these religious narcs were insulated by Roman rulers. They lived in a very comfortable sanctuary set up for them. Yes, they were Jews. Unfortunately, they were narcs who wanted to kill fellow Jews such as Jesus Christ and his disciples. Jesus did not fight with them, because he know God’s plan for him on earth and that he was there to fulfill God’s prophecy for him for over 1,000 years. I could tell you more but don’t want to take too many space.

    I will pray for you and hope you could get out of your hopeless situations sooner than later. Following Jesus will make your life harder on earth but he promised that he will not leave us. Many people want easier lives so they are not following Jesus and doing what God wants them to do. These people made a choice and God knows their heart.

    1. ThreeThousand Mile running I am glad you got away from your main abuser and narcs. Yes Jesus escaped the Pharisees and Saduceess that one time. Yes when we get away there will be losses like you being unable to see those old friends. This is true for me when I went NC in getting away from 16 people. I knew too I may lose the nieces and nephews doing so, but I suppose I hoped against hope. Yes sadly many of the narcissists and others who see us as projects, hurt us and they do see as inferior human beings. This can range from racism, to having disabilities. I know some are unable to see me as an equal due to my disabilities--which show in my case quite adamantly. I see this happening to disabled and other people. It can wear people out this happening. I know I need to be more careful who I share problems with locally. The classism too is a horrible thing and as I mentioned above, with poverty being equated to being a bad person so much in our society it is a huge huge burden. I admit there are nice and good rich people out there, though obviously there are narcissists in their ranks as well but sadly many have been taught to oppress and look down on the poor.

      Yes I have been in false churches too, sadly it seems the Bible says that people who will run after the false preachers who make merchandise of them-aka make money off them leaving the better places bereft. It is true if more truth is preached the church could find it's life being very short. Many good people of conscience suffer like your Lutheran pastor calling out the womanizer.

      I agree with you that many of the churches are for the classist and false Christians and those who want the appearance of holiness. It is for those who will conform to the system too and who believe in the Republican party line in many of the places.

      They want the pastors to tickle their ears and tell them good things so the church remains high in number. I think many of the good ones end up on the outs because they do make stands out of conscience.

      Yes we are moving away from those people. I hope God does something soon. I know some of these articles are arising out of me being disabled for so many years. I'm tired and want some relief.
      coming from you fast enough. I think the people who reject people for not having good lives or having positive things happen fast enough to them are completely wrong. They believe in the false think positive messages unloaded on them by the elite, where they tell people they are personally responsible for everything that happens to them.

      One thing I notice these people will ignore art work or other good things while getting out the "are you conforming" measuring stick on someone. All the apostles, Lazarus-the beggar on his mat, according to these people's standards would have been called "losers" for not having money or a place in society. This is one thing to remember. They are judging us not by God's standards but the standards of a false narcissistic society where shallowness and fakeness are held up as greater goods.

      I agree following Jesus will make ones life harder on earth but he promised he would not leave us.

      Hebrews 3:5

      Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

  5. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fattened calf and hatred therewith. Proverbs 15:17

    I know the distress you are suffering and your poverty (but you are rich). I also know the slander against you by those who call themselves Jews ("Christians") and really are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

    Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matt. 5:11,12

    Then said I, Wisdom is better than strength: nevertheless the poor man’s wisdom is despised, and his words are despised. Ecc 9:16

    Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted. Habbakuk 1:4

    We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Cor.4:8-9

    "For they sleep not, except they have done evil; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall." Proverbs 4:16

    "1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without natural affection, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people." 2 Tim 3

    The Lord tests the righteous, But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates. 6 Upon the wicked He will rain coals; Fire and brimstone and a burning wind [Shall] [be] the portion of their cup. 7 For the Lord [is] righteous, He loves righteousness; His countenance beholds the upright. Psalm 11:5-7

    If narcissists were animals they would be euthanized for the safety of those around them. As "humans" they are allowed to prey on people with a conscience and a heart and live their lives as they please while those they maliciously prey upon can only hope for the best. I'm praying for your Peep, and if it makes you feel any less alone, God doesn't always answer my prayers either, or maybe He is just delaying them, His timing is not the same as ours. I believe Jesus coming back soon for His bride so now is a good time for us all to get as close to Him as we can. There will be another blood moon in September and that is the month of the Feast of Trumpets. The Bible says the archangel will descend with a "shout at the last trump" and also there have been 3 blood moons so far this year and another blood moon in September. Blood moons are a sign of God's judgment on the Gentiles and the 4 blood moons this year have not occurred in 2000 years. Supreme Court is legislating sodomy laws from the bench and forcing them down the throats of true Christians and I believe this nation is about to experience Divine Judgment. Read up on Jade Helm and martial law being instituted all around us while Americans continue to chew the cud in front of the TV as if things will continue this way indefinitely. God will not be mocked.

    1. I agree the narcs prey on good people with consciences, it is so wrong.

      Thanks for your prayers. I appreciate it greatly :) I won't turn my back on God even as this life gets very difficult. I know God's timing is not our own, this is true. God will knows the best, anyhow many good people and Christians suffer in this world. I have read the book of Job to deal with some of these things and understand it one has to keep trust in God. I will pray for more strength. I know I am tired and need to rest more.

      I believe we are in the time of bible prophecy where the world is waxing more evil and worse. I know about the blood moons. I need to study that bible prophecy issue more. I believe America is in trouble too and bound for judgment as well. Jade Helm if not some "drill" meant to bring more trouble definitely is being used as some sort of tool to strengthen the police state. I try to talk to people I know about the dominos stacked up with the collapse of the world economy, and other matters, and most seem to think everything will continue the same way. Even in that church I just left, they would have said "Jade Helm What?" I even warned about NDAA on this blog years ago. People call me crazy when I tell them, now they can round you up and not even tell you that you have been arrested. So much bible prophecy is being fulfilled.

      , His timing is not the same as ours. I believe Jesus coming back soon for His bride so now is a good time for us all to get as close to Him as we can. There will be another blood moon in September and that is the month of the Feast of Trumpets. The Bible says the archangel will descend with a "shout at the last trump" and also there have been 3 blood moons so far this year and another blood moon in September. Blood moons are a sign of God's judgment on the Gentiles and the 4 blood moons this year have not occurred in 2000 years. Supreme Court is legislating sodomy laws from the bench and forcing them down the throats of true Christians and I believe this nation is about to experience Divine Judgment. Read up on Jade Helm and martial law being instituted all around us while Americans continue to chew the cud in front of the TV as if things will continue this way indefinitely. God will not be mocked.

    2. Correction, "not even tell your family or friends that you have been arrested"

  6. I just read about Jade Helm and NDAA. Scary stuff!

    I personally have been going through the creepiest shit since 2005. Began in Virginia and got even weirder when I moved to NY. My husband and I deduced my mom and sister have something to do with the origins of this. They are bonafide psychopaths, always charming and unsuspecting. You only see their true natures when they see you as a threat.

    My mom's best friend was a wife of a retired police captain with a lot of connections. After moving back to where my famy lived in 2004, my life has never been the same.

    Look up orchanized stalking, gang stalking. There are also credible TV news featuring real victims. Apparently it goes like this...someone puts you on some gov't list and from there life as you know it is gone. You are under community surveillance...lies are then spread to your neighbors and within your community at large. You suddenly get treated everywhere you go with hatred, fear, and rudeness. Strangers will stare at you with disdain in their eyes, fingers pointed at you for no reason. No one will tell you anything, and they laugh at you when you ask them why they are doing what they are doing. Followed around a lot. It's truly the stuff of nightmares and it's all deniable. In 2009, with original police report in hand and with my husband with me, we reported someone who ran me off the road and then proceeded to followe on foot for over 2 miles at night iny own gated, remote community. It turned out to be someone who was "Judicial" but they won't tell me his name. My life felt threatened that night.

    I'm 41, married 16 years, never did drugs in my life, never been on psychiatric meds in my life yet this shit has happened to me. This is happening to thousands of people. If I didn't go through this myself, I would think these people are crazy.


    1. NDAA is scary. I no longer consider America a free country. We probably had the best system in the world in place for a long time but that is now gone. People just do not realize it. Money always bought the best justice but justice is gone when you aren't even entitled to a trial and can just be squirreled away. Anyone speaking out now takes a risk. 1984 the book is alive and well. George Orwell was a prophet. Many people are on lists from "No Fly" lists to others. You don't have to be a jihadist either to get on them, some were just peaceful war protesters and the like.

      If you left a bunch of connected narcs, they could definitely make your life hell. Sorry you have dealt with psychopaths. Do they know where you live now? If you are able to move again, maybe do so in a way no one can find you. There are ways to vanish. They have websites that cater even to victims of domestic violence that will tell you how. Being put on a govt list of course complicates things far well. It does sound like your mother had connections to really mess up your life. Sometimes your average smear campaign can bring enough of a small town to hate a person but I have heard about gang stalking stuff before. I don't know a lot about it, but obviously if some narcs have standing in a community or bring the powers that be against you like cops and courts etc, your name will be toast and they can make life hell for you. Stalking is illegal in some states but they wouldn't enforce those laws on everyone. I am sorry you had someone run you off the road and who caused you problems. I believe this stuff happens to people, have no doubt of it so I do not think you are crazy. There are very evil people in this world. I will pray for you.