Monday, August 10, 2015
I could use some hope in this life instead of just waiting for the next. God doesn't seem to be answering my prayers lately. I am not sure why. While God sends other people endless grandbabies and new opportunities, life for me is going nowhere. I even prayed about moving from here again. Were the ants all over my apartment floor last night a sign to leave? Who knows? Anyhow my life seems devoid of spiritual direction.
My relationship with God is being severely tested. You know things are wrong when you are praying prayers at 4am begging God to send you some hope and justice in this world. Even there, I have to be careful and keep my mouth shut, because the spiritual abusers of the world will glom on to your misery. They will tell you that you are a spiritual mess due to some evils and sin within you and like the narcs will tell you everything is your own fault and that God has refused His blessings because you are a "bad" person. During one sermon at my old church, that pastor preached that God would bless you if you obeyed Him. What of a Christian this does not happen to?
Then there's some guy who posted on the ostracized article that I should go get revenge and stop being a wimp--I'm paraphrasing but even there I wonder why the narcissists continue to prosper and I sink lower. I'm not into jail cells and going to hell. The church world will pat you on the head and tell you "God is in control" making you feel like everything is your fault even more. So you mean it's God rewarding the narcs while life gets harder and harder for the rest of us? I hope not.
I was born again 14 years ago and remember the hope and energy of that time. I believe my relationship with God kept me alive years past where I would have not been. I have prayed to God to send some real people around me locally or at least show me where to go. I meet them all the time online but real life seems a social wasteland. Aren't Christians supposed to witness and be a shining light? One wants their life to have some meaning.
It's not a good feeling if you just feel like you are going through the motions and you wonder if you will wake up in hell because you hate humanity.
So much of the Christian world is completely family oriented. If you have no family, they make you feel like you are a bad Christian. I'd move back to my old church if was still open. That was a real church family. Where does a Christian fit in that never had any children and whose entire family hates them? My niece isn't writing me anymore. Queen Spider killed that relationship successfully. While she had her entire family there for her, her entire life, she took everyone away from me. Why does it seem like she always wins? Why do all obey her without question? God needs to help me out here. It seems odd, that God couldn't intervene just once to give me some hope. Why would God want me to be spiritually destroyed dealing with all this garbage?
I'm not made of stone. I love all my nieces and nephews but wanted that niece especially in my life. This hurts me of course. I can't tell if I am too easily hurt and need to toughen up or if I am just dealing with cold people who have no feelings. Of course I am so used to be told how I feel is wrong, I'm scared to feel anything. Why are all these people so cold?
I seem to be dealing with some severe grief I cannot fathom. I thought it would lift with time but it doesn't seem to be. This may be territory for the counselors. Maybe I am not grieving only the lost of my family which never existed in the first place but all my other losses in this life. I have fought serious health problems for many years and now I am tired.
Obviously my life did not go very well. I even feel grief over things that happened to my husband. I am worried about him too. I am worried about other friends as well. I'm not sure why so much of it is welling up. I even had this weird thought that I wish I could go to local grief counseling. I had some friends die a few years ago, but it feels deeper then that. Too many losses? Fear of more? There is a deep sadness I can't even explain, a mixture of deep, deep disappointment and grief. Is my No Contact failing? Did I make my life worse with it? I knew a price of going NC could be losing every family member. How is one supposed to deal with an entire family who hates you and doesn't care if you live or die? What if you are failing to do what makes no contact successful which is living our own life in the best way you can?
At this point, it seems if life had some fairness or justice, it seems just about now would be the time I would win the Lotto, but that is the stuff of dreams that never come true. Real Life is Disappointment. Real Life is looking forward to stuff that never happens. Adult life sucks. No one tells you it sucks to get old. Is that too dark? Yes inside I am screaming at myself already for being like this and telling myself to "get it together". I worry about writing another angst filled article here. Yes I am depressed and yes I have tried to pull myself out of it. Daily I do just to get out of bed. I tell myself life could be worse, and I could be homeless or without a husband or any friends but then I just feel more guilty. I try to focus on the small pleasures to keep from going insane, but I'm not sure what to do in general. Even while writing this article my computer did a Mini-Dump. I always feel like everything is going to fall apart.
I am going deaf. It is worsening. I can't hear anyone. I am often confused. I am sending out an application with a fee I could barely afford for a Digital hearing aid. Digital hearing aids are for the wealthy and I will never be able to afford one if I am turned down by this charity. I went to a hearing impairment club in my town, it was full of all these people who could hear far better then me and had the finances to buy digital hearing aids worth tens of thousands of dollars and cochlear implants. Don't I have enough to cope with? Who do you talk about going deaf to as an adult? Why do I always have problems there seems to be no answers for or one has to be wealthy to get answers?
I hate where I live. Its beautiful and has many offerings but the people here scare me. They are too closed-mouth, too upper class, and too rejecting. Never, never make the mistake I did and move away from an area when you are near middle-aged. Don't do it. You will be buying yourself a lonely old age. Past a certain age, and especially if you are an Aspie and disabled you will not be able to make any new friends. It's too hard. I have many good friends online and long distant but I still desire to know people locally. People by their 40s have their social circles already set. I have run out of ideas. We have had many discussions about what to do. Both of us see and recognize the severe isolation. My husband says he is worried most about our survival but I worry about our spirits.
I see no opportunity in meeting anyone new here. I've already done the book club circuit, the art classes, churches, etc. Healthwise my energy is very limited. I can't seem to get close to anyone here unlike my old community. Permanent acquaintances can be nice, but you remain a stranger to everyone. There are no eccentrics or non-richy rich artists here. Even going downtown to sit on a bench, you just meet tourists who aren't from here. I and my husband sit on park benches and have no friends. It is very sad. There's no one to talk to. We feel constantly judged here and found wanting. I can't seem to get an actual life together here. As an Aspie it never has been easy especially while being disabled.
Anyhow that said, why do they have senior centers for the old to socialize but nothing for the younger disabled? We are lonely too. In some ways we need a place to go more then the old do. The senior centers should allow the permanently disabled to join their ranks. The one here does not.
Before I got sick last week, I actually ran crying into the bathroom and yelled at my husband, "Remember when they gave us a party at my old church to say goodbye?" "Remember when we had my art show and a goodbye party there too? We had some people actually notice we were alive there!" Most of the time while I'm pouring problems out here, around here I have to hide them, and appear like I have it "together". The classism here is severe. I feel like a "nobody" around here. They never fail to remind me of my invisibility.
Moving here destroyed my life, I have not felt right since we moved here. It was eight years ago. We hoped for a better future only to have it taken away. Yes there is more medical care and better restaurants but it feels dead here for me. Even after I gave it a chance, more disappointment came like with that betraying ex-friend. She may even still read this blog but I know now it is an absolute fact she has no empathy for other people.
I know something has been harmed in me simply by moving too much. I have no roots. I have nowhere that feels like "home". There's no there "there". Even my narcissist parents ripped me away from my communities as a child over and over. One move was at the age of 7 and then another at the age of 13 to entirely new states. I never had a family who loved me and now I have no place I really belong. Nothing worse could happen to a person. So wonder I have no place of belonging. I was a throw-away and forgotten about. Being the new person too many times, destroys one's life. Also when you have several friends die, the moorings get thrown over board too. I meet people and they have these close social networks, family who are there for them. I do meet others in my boat online but I never do in the real world. The real world seems to dance where they all know and have each other.
A close college friend and me discuss this all the time. How we were ripped away from friends and others over and over, to the point nothing could be depended on. I told her, the move when I was 13 almost ruined me. The abuse was bad enough that I faced but I always was ripped away from my friends and places and people of refuge. She told me she felt the same way too. I told her, all the moving as an adult was usually done for economic necessity but it wasn't worth it because it never fixed those problems either. Of course in some cases, we had to move or be homeless when work was totally erased. We both agreed we would have been happier in the old days when people moved less. Even here some people left I had gotten to know.
This is going to sound very sad, but one reason we have not moved this time yet, is we have not decided yet where to go. Where can two poor, middle aged, one disabled and the other with severe health problems move to and have some sort of life? We have no money to move. We have no energy to move. Neither one is in shape to pack and move things.
One wants to feel like they belong somewhere. One wants to have friends and a place of meaning. One wants to feel like there is something to look forward to. One wants to be around people who care and just don't throw you away. We are poor and struggle as you all know. We have to survive which may mean holding on to this apartment. When your credit is toast and you are not employed in the traditional manner in my husband's case, even being able to rent a new place could be impossible. While we want to survive, I feel trapped. I keep revisiting the time we decided to move here, and realize how it destroyed my life and who I am as a person. Modern life sucks.
I feel distressed over the sufferings of others too. I found out yesterday this depressed woman I knew in my old town died. She was the woman who was suicidal I was trying to reach out to years ago, but her mother didn't seem to want her to have outside friends. Sometimes you look someone up and then in shock discover they are dead. She died at the age of 41. I asked a mutual friend if she knew what happened but she said she did not and that she had lost her mother only a few years earlier. Such things make me feel very sad.
I don't feel like the same person here anymore. Like I have lost who I am. The silence, the being closed out, the having no where to belong has gotten to me. My husband doesn't feel right here either. We take refuge in each other and in our hobbies but something is wrong. There's few people out there who understand people who have no family and who never had children of their own. I was very sick in my old town but I missed who I was there. One friend told me that life no longer exists there, and she is right, but what of now? What do we do now? Is it us? Is it this place? I am not sure.
Something happened to me from all the losses. I don't feel much hope anymore which is semi-embarrassing for a Christian to admit. I am frustrated with the body, with everything.
What happens to a Christian too where life has been full of so much disappointment? Why does God answer some prayers and not others? Why did God allow these things to happen to my life? I'm not sure what to do. Taking a bunch of Prozac to numb it out isn't the answer. Some may say "Stop with the self-pity" but I really am sad. I can't deny these feelings. I wish God would help me too, or send me some relief.