Monday, November 21, 2016

ACONS seeking Community and a Sense of Belonging

"Or in your case and mine, we have that generalized feeling of not belonging of constantly second-guessing our connection to people and activities, which is most likely an expression of how our family never provided that feeling of belonging, and also of how our respective families seemed to exist almost in isolation in a way, in the sense that there was no solid social circle around it."

A message board for ACONS was discussing this issue and I found it interesting that others said they felt they would never belong and were square pegs in the round hole. ACONs especially scapegoats are denied the kinship ties and love, that I believe some of us spend a life yearning for. I'm not sure that these things are replaceable. In my case, I spent decades yearning for a "family" and a 'sense' of belonging but now have gotten to a place of acceptance and resignation about the realities of the society I live in. I have gotten to a place where I have told myself enjoy the few people you do have--such as in my case my loving husband, don't spend life yearning for "what could have been". It's not going to be. I don't have a family and it's not a replaceable entity. In my case, finding the would be biological family hit a brick wall long ago.

Inside, I always have this feeling of "not belonging". I knew I never "belonged" in the family I was "assigned" to in my case. When the head matriarchs decided to condemn me as the scapegoat, that made me an "outsider" for life. I meet some sad people out in life who are constantly upset and frustrated that they have "no homes" or "group of people where they feel they belong". I was one of them too.  This is epidemic in the Aspie world. Some are Aspies like me who feel the disengagement from life. Self-loathing gets twisted into these "what should have been" ideas.

  When I see people who "belong", and I know nice people who have close knit families, these are roots decades in the making. They are enjoying a foundation that for most ACONs was ripped up the very day they were born to mothers and fathers without souls. I think the best we can hope for is "belonging" in our individual loving relationships and friendships and snippets of "belonging" within community that are short lived--different activities and people one remembers with fondness. Part of healing is accepting the reality about one's life.

I remember being 10 years old and wondering why I didn't belong in my own family, and well nothing changed that way almost 40 years later. Remember it was not something you chose, it was a choice other people made. I do think sometimes the "struggle to belong" can be counterproductive and lead to depression.  There's a lot of unhappy people out there who are beating themselves up for not having close knit families and close local friends. I have been telling some of them, "its not your fault, don't get caught in the trap I did. Live your life and let whoever will come your way do so."  I think ACONs we get caught up in trying to "fix" things that are not our responsibility. All those years I tried so hard even with the relatives who were totally uninterested. I knew I was trying hard to be "accepted" and find the belonging I had been denied. When I went NC some years ago, I finally had admitted to myself it never was going to happen. 

That is something else I've given up. I do what interests me and keep in touch with the close and loyal friends, no matter how far away they live but accepting what is, goes a lot further in having some peace.


11 comments:

  1. Really well said! I have definitely been into what should have been. When I do let go, I am so much more into my artwork, and better at it. So it comes and goes, but we have to keep moving on and do what is best in the present with what is!

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    1. Yeah its hard for me, I do think about "what ifs" and I am disappointed a lot about how life turned out, and always of this feeling of "what could I have done?" We have to keep moving on. I know it is not easy at all.

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  2. It's a cold, cruel world out there (with a few exceptions). My theme song has been "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". I have my husband and kids, thank God, and maybe one friend but that's about it.
    It seems like people just have no desire to get close to anyone these days. Guess it takes too much time and effort. I

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    1. Yes it is. I may write about this soon but the cousin sent the videos. It was scary to see so many happy people come to bad ends [who died young] yes so many boulvards of broken dreams. It's enough to make one ask "are we living in hell now"? I am glad you have your husband and kids and your friend. Even watching the 1970s videos, things were so so so different. You are right people don't want to get close anymore. Those who can remember life as it used to be I guess we can get more angst too.

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  3. Oh, you got the videos! How exciting! How nice! You must be pleased. This cousin must be somewhat nice huh...

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    1. He was raised by the loving aunt. I think he is nice, I just wish he didn't believe what the others were telling him or could see through them and their games. :/ I was very pleased to get the videos. Seeing the sweetness and kindness of their mother [well in contrast too] to you know who was mind blowing. Even their father was there and engaged but far more quiet person. Seeing Aunt Scapegoat, smiling and how I remembered her before they destroyed her......oh man.....I will write about it later.

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    2. Her "life energy" is so strong, it was shocking. She was as I remembered too. That made the videos very hard to watch.

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  4. Also I'm so glad for you!

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  5. One of my two sisters and I lucked out with finding right people to help us out when we were teenagers. I escaped for real and went NC when I was 25. My sister ran away from home when she was 14, but she had someone to hang out with and to spend overnights. She also had boyfriends and then got married to a man who loathed my adopted narc mother. When she was 21, she gave birth to her child.

    I was already in NC, but she has been in full contact or low contact over the years. Ten years later, my sister and I lived in Las Vegas without knowing it. :( I was in graduate school and working while she lost her four children. Two of her toddler children were adopted by people who wanted a close adoption rather than an open adoption. The CPS misled my sister that she wanted to appeal last year. Her older children lived with a foster parent. Today, her adult children are friends with my adoptive narc mother but not with my sister. One of my sister's younger child opened her Facebook account, a younger daughter who was adopted. She is friends with her older sister and her biological father, but not my sister. My sister is no longer married to the biological father of her younger daughter. He ignores her on Facebook.

    She has 210 friends, including our adopted narc mother. Most of her friends are in Las Vegas and are obviously cast outs or rejected people. In addition, she is friends with her older daughter's foster mother, who ignores her in Facebook.

    My adopted narc mother tried to smear against me during my first few years of NC. I was very angry and yelling at people. Then I lucked out with a therapist who helped me to navigate with social services programs and admissions offices at colleges. My godfather believed me and helped me out. My foster parents found me in the third year of NC. Some ACONs like you have a good spouse, children, and/or who believe them so they could escape. It is scary that ACONs are isolated and screwed over.

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  6. There is one thing I want to add. I am learning one thing from helping a friend who is going through hard times for the past three months. People who got out have different ways of coping with situations and have different beliefs on God's plans for our lives.

    My friend is not persistent for money she needs to get an apartment. She does not follow up as often as we did. When she was injured in a subway, she did not work on finding an attorney. Instead, she is waiting for somebody to make a decision to give her disability income back or not. Yesterday, many people in the subway, including an attorney for the subway, called her. I told her to get an attorney soon because they might screw her over and pay her almost nothing. People are covering for themselves.

    She said she does not want to hear anything negative and she will talk to subway executives with an open mind. She told me days earlier that she is waiting for God's timing and will not follow up on her disability income weekly. She believes that God bought these narcs and mean people in our lives because they are there for God's purposes for our lives and to make us Christians. I told her that narcs and evil people are not God's plans for our lives. We may forgive them but we don't contact them. They are not God's people.

    Because of her approach to life, she will get screwed over by subway executives. She wants $50,000 and represent herself. :o When I warned her of realities based on my experiences, she said she will put her faith on God's timing and she believes that God put these people in her life to bring her closer. She will be screwed over a big time.

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