Sunday, July 17, 2016

Bourgeois Families

"He describes himself and his siblings all pulling away from their family, then insists they are club that he always wanted to be a part of. They weren't and aren't close, and probably don't know each other any better than they knew the one who just killed herself. This is typical for bourgeois white American "families"--there is no there there, and they slowly disengage as soon as the children are over 18, with even the parents leaving each other if they haven't already. Then they act "shocked, just shocked" when one of their utterly alone and detached non-members crashes and burns, as any human being who is alone in this world will do eventually. What a sick society America is."

—Anonymous

I saw this quote on a message board [Data Lounge] a forum for gays, where they were discussing Tiffany Sedaris. I was googling to see if anyone else noticed the same mocking tone of Amy Sedaris's book on poor people and crafts. I wanted to share it because it is something I have thought about. How "family" itself is collapsing in America and not just in the way Republicans rave above but in a more fundamental way that goes beyond gay marriage or premarital sex. I found myself saying to my husband, sometimes Aspie me goes on some weird intellectual ventures where I wondered aloud if family itself was breaking down, due to our information society and mere biological DNA ties [well in some cases we don't have even those] not being enough anymore?

This guy is right about there "being no there there". Even as I stepped out and leave the "Family", I asked myself the question, "How close are they to each other?" And the answer was "Not very". I can see the collapse already beginning where separate lives, distance, and competition has chipped away at the concept of a "Family". When he even mentions bourgeois and white, I covered some of these issues in the article "The Lonely Poverty" where it is poor whites and mostly whites realizing they are alone in this world. Other minorities have a definite different cultural view of family loyalty, closeness and kinship. Perhaps this is a generalization but there is some truth there. He is right about what will then happen to one of their utterly alone and detached members.

The way out for one of those alone members is to realize they never had a family in the first place. I wish Tiffany had been able to find a way out before it was too late. If only she could have found relief and freedom in walking too and realizing she was not to blame.

11 comments:

  1. I'm struggling with wondering how I feel about suicide, and wonder if I should have compassion or do I feel compassion for them. Being a scapegoat is the necessary evil we had to face, otherwise we would have become one of the narcs. I no longer feel ashamed so much for being a scapegoat, although at the time, I dreaded being put in that position. But it was the position we had to choose, there was no other way. For someone to commit suicide, is it because they dreaded that feeling so much that they tried to end it, thus ending their lives entirely? We don't get to decide entirely how our life goes, there are the roll with the punches and I know we sure got our fair share of that, but what was the alternative? Giving in? It does feel awful, and we may struggle with not feeling awful all our lives, but its a dependent cycle where we don't allow ourselves to learn and get educated or just give up. In a way, what she did was prove them right all along, that she was worthless, she was too worthless to stay alive even.

    I know life is hard for us. We were not given the tools or the means to live it, we were thrown out there with the wolves even unable to defend or take care of ourselves, and not given ways we could cope with the world. And what's worse is that we can't talk about it openly. I can talk openly about bullying, that one is ok, but let it end with school mates, dont' you dare talk it was your family. So we are stuck. Thus no one knows about it. This sucks.

    The reality is that we had to cope, find ways, get skilled or we don't get to live. I think it still comes down to choices, we still get to make that choice, and suicide, yeah, is one of them.

    On another note, families were built around tribes. Your tribe was your family, can you imagine that? This was a group of 50-100 people you stayed close to all the time, and if your blood family wasn't taking care of you, it didn't matter, you had your tribe. I know there are probably problems with that. I think even narcissism would be weeded out of there very quickly, given the nature of a tribe. A deeply cohesive unit. But I can't help but think how cool that would be? I think a lot of the non-whites live that way, not necessarily in tribes, but the mentality towards that is strong. They stick together.

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  2. I don't consider people family or friends that sack people when they're sick or poor. Just sayin...

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    1. I agree. It's happening far too often now too. It seems to be an American trend. The Lonely Poverty author touched on it briefly but it's not something many are talking about how now in competitive American society if you don't succeed or become ill, there will be no family for you. Any time spent with people like that is wasted.

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  3. I can't figure out if this fits here or not, but I was watching a movie about people who fly drones over Muslim countries and bomb them remotely from an air conditioned cubical out side of Las Vegas. The commander plays streaming video of a bunch of possible terrorists burning an american flag and tells one of his subordinates that it is against the law for shops there to stock and sell american flags. So he says some one had to take a sheet and carefully paint on the stripes and position the stars just so and that it probably took the guy all night to make a flag that he could display and not go to jail. So he says that guy put a lot of love into that symbol of hate. To me it reinforces that saying about there being a fine line between love and hate and the dichotomy this illustrates seems relevant to me. The energy they put into hating us is mind boggling. If they could back off and apply this energy into more productive endeavors we would all be happier and could all have a better life. But instead they spend their time painting things that will end up in flames just so they can show the world how much hate we deserve. I told you I was unsure if this would make sense, but it kind of works for me.

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    1. I watched a show with those drone bombers, it's like they are playing a video game as they literally kill people. I was creeped out to the max. It is weird too for some to paint a flag and go to the trouble for all the flags and stripes just to burn it. That is putting energy just in hate, your metaphor works. I used to think "Ok you hate me so much, why don't you just leave me alone" [aka let me live with the aunt that cared, let me stay away at friends houses instead of demanding I come home" etc. It's like they had to have their objects of hate close by. Even now three years in, you think I was happy about having three creeps try to contact me? I wasn't good enough to have around when I was in contact with them, and they slammed a door in my face constantly but for some reason they just can't seem to leave me alone. My eyes opened up to how much wilful destruction was done just for kicks and the amount of time and energy spent on hate campaigns was crazy.

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  4. I know suicide is complicated, some religions even teach you go to hell if you commit suicide. I think you are supposed to try and defeat it but it seems God would understand extreme illness and tragedy when it comes to some suicides. It hurts too when people commit suicide too. Even the aunt that probably committed suicide she helped my mother grow into more of a monster by checking out.

    Yeah I feel like we are given too choices get rid of the conscience and become narc like them or keep our humanity and be scapegoated.

    Utter loneliness and depression can lead some to suicide. Many suicides feel like failures, so when this society does that loser crap on people they are pushing many over the abyss. In Tiffany's case she definitely was under those messages for decades, those things take a toll. Many take drugs to escape the pain. I believe I would be dead myself without my husband and God too. People don't have as much control over their lives, as is claimed and the constant competition and abuse can send some more vulnerable souls over the edge. I always had the feeling when I was young if I ever checked out the narcs would win.

    I found my way out of survival in questioning the society and religious journey stuff. I know this sounds weird but I left the lockbox of the mainstream society and what it told me to be. So I knew I never could conform but I didn't want to give up. I think this is why people become artists. There is a life force in becoming an artist, it is way to say "This is me, I am here and valuable". Tiffany became an artist in that way to "create". So some create as others around them seek to destroy. I felt so compelled about her story because that part of her is something I related to. Art was my salvation when I was young.

    I wish she had not given in, I feel like they got up and cheered over her grave, exploiting her. Even that comment about the two boxes and that all being left of her made me so angry...you all can't even imagine. I was told I was worthless by my mother. "You have nothing to show for your life". At that point she squelched out any positive feeling I had for her, I mean there was nothing but a dying ember desiring a real mother, but that ember was stomped out on that day. She was a worthy person, she just got tired and beaten down and felt like she had nothing to hold on to. I really wish she had made it instead.

    Our lives were made far harder by these narcs. Not given tools. Medical neglect in my case and abuse that worsened a severe genetic problem that remained untreated. My direct death almost came about from the 3 bouts of sepsis in my 20s and 30s. I hate how they silence us too. When I was trying with the rest of the family, the way they silenced me and did not listen, was one of the main reasons I walked from the whole lot. I am as dead to them as Aunt Scapegoat.

    It sucks, yeah we were told they were a family, in my case, there may really be another family out there I was denied. I keep having dreams about the "real people" it's kind of weird. In waking life, I have no more options to explore, in dream life well, that's going another direction.

    I agree we have to cope and find ways, and even to make the choice to live and survive. I hope everyone who is at risk like Tiffany was, does reach out. Even if your family treats you like dirt there are people who would love and help you. I would have helped her if she was someone I knew in real life.
    continuing...

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    1. I agree about tribes, I think this nuclear family crap has some major limits. Isn't that they imposed on America, each little family alone in their house? Even in the ghetto, I noticed how most had their cousins or aunties, and some who were simply close friends in the community and not blood relatives got those titles and helped each other out. I was left out of that world but viewed it from the outside. I wonder if any would have suspected I envied the community I saw. So yes even if you were rejected by your blood family, there were others in the tribe or village to take up the slack. I wonder if this is one reason narcissism has grown, in American society, narcissism doesn't survive so well in tribes but it does survive quite well, in this isolated competitive society. It's true the non-whites stick together more and back each other up. For "bourgeouis whites" the competition is even at home. So they are detached. No one has your back. [I believe class impacts here too, in my rural town the poorer families were closer and looked out for one another]

      Remember when I wrote about my desire to go into cohousing or intentional living, I knew that had to do with finding a "tribe" and people I belonged to. I am too sick for this option to be realistic, but now I know what attracted me to that life. I wonder if young people are considering some of these things.

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  5. I am ambivalent about suicide, but mainly because of my family history. I just remember taking inventory of the ways my mother stacked the deck against us and how if it all went wrong and I was facing old age with no money, it might be a viable option. In that thinking my late 50's was the time I used for my expiration date. I just turned 58 and my financial prospects are dismal.

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    1. Spiritually I believe suicide is to be avoided at all costs. I have read that old people who fear the streets succumb and this concerns me. Old and disabled people can be in trouble. Economic concerns put pressure on people. I didn't expect to make it this long. I believe God has a reason for us to be here.

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  6. I could rum my ex-wife through a wood chipper and finally be rid of her and live in prison. The food there isn't that bad and they keep it a constant 72 degrees.

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    1. None of that LOL, we want you free and able to write us online. There's no internet connection. Actually I have heard through prison websites and elsewhere the food isn't so great and they don't heat the place. I have heard that about county jail and state jail, I don't live in the most backwater state in the USA today. I think rotten bologna and sleeping on a mat on the floor in 50 degrees is the norm now from what I have read on prison rights forums.

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