Saturday, August 6, 2016

Be You Even if You're Weird

Yeah I'm weird but I'm me.

 I was talking to this friend of mine, another one from college, not the one gone feral but the nice one. We were discussing fitting into society. We are both worried about our prospective in real life social circles shrinking. Outside my internet circles, mine took a hit from my move from 9 years ago where it never recovered. It also diminished from the removal of narcs from my life, people dying and some leaving the community I live in now.

She told me she feels like people are passing ships in the night too and she's afraid of no one being left. I said, "We are getting old, this is what my older friends used warned me about...we are stuck in that gap before the senior center is available for us to hang out at."

I said to her, "Socially I'm not going begging anymore. I know I am a specialty item, and just too tired to beat myself up about it anymore. If a friend comes along I will be glad, but I'm not beating my head on the brick wall. We are both who we are."

  I hate when I see a great friend of mine being ostracized. Because I am not the norm, I have befriended others on the edges of society. It drives me crazy. Here is this great person, and that includes the friend above, and all their dance cards are empty? Why? I have the refuge of marriage to spare me from soul-sucking worse depths of loneliness, but many people out there are outcasts and lonely and to me they are great people. They simply don't fit in. I can't figure this out, it makes me shake my head.

 Some people don't get what I'm about. I don't conform. Even if I was not an Aspie or 500lbs, soul-wise I know I wouldn't be eating Big Macs and watching soap operas all day. I don't conform to society very well. Some of my narc relatives used to get mad at me for being strange and would yell, "You need to act like everyone else!". Many times my mother would complain to her friends about what a strange child I was, and "Why does she sit around reading all those books?". There were times where I really struggled in my teens thinking "I better get with the program, and act more normal and conform!" but I just couldn't do it.

The artist siren song was in my head taking me to new places. I enjoy my own voyage, of thought, intellect and art. People don't always get that about me. Even if I got thrown out the city gates and that part sucks, I enjoy the visas around me. Independent thinkers in this society are abused. Some religious types would say that the watchmen on the wall are not the most loved types. I laughed some time ago when the person who trolled my board wrote, "Do you want to be remembered for your harsh critique of the world?" I answered "YES, I do".

 There is a lot wrong with this world, even Jesus said that those who love this world are the ones in spiritual trouble. Well some of us didn't get brainwashed by it. Some of us do decide to "fight". It's my journey NOT yours. My trust of people who love war and the system has sunk to new lows.

Pissing off "programmed" people comes easily to those with personalities like mine.

 I tend to think ACON scapegoats, are the kind of people who do learn to think for themselves. We are either beaten down or we come out changed. The soul murderers do succeed in taking people out not just physically but emotionally too. For some of us that crawl out of it beaten and bruised and while the abuse takes its horrible tolls on us, it can serve as a polishing stone carving a new personality and more independent thought. The "herd" was my family and I didn't think like them or value what they did, so when I got older and looked out upon the world, I saw the world differently then how I was told to see it. This is why what the TV told me didn't "take".

 I knew very young, that I was on a whole other journey, and that many people wouldn't understand or "get it". One thing I have realized about myself is that there are many people who do not accept me. They hate my personality and they hate what I stand for. They want me to be someone else. This was true of my entire family. I am finally getting to the point where this is okay. I have realized trying to twist myself into a pretzel is a waste of time.

At this age, there's not going to be a personality implant or success in becoming a Stepford wife. If people do not like who I am, what did they expect to happen to a person who grew up in a crucible of evil and insanity? I decided not to become evil myself and trust me a time in life did come where I stood upon the crossroads to goodness or ultimate perdition but what is going to happen to a person in that kind of place? If they survive and manage not to be destroyed, they are going to stand against evil, fight it, and become someone interested in "causes". They are not going to be someone that embraces society and it's endless messages to conform. They are going to stand against it's injustice.

10 comments:

  1. I piss people off all the time. lol. Its funny, it beats me up, and I can't seem to stop it. Its strange, after being raised by Nmom I still find the deplorable acts of a narcissist deplorable, and I will say something, not even realizing what I'm saying, it just flies out of my mouth. People find me to be weird.

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    1. Me too. I think I piss off some of them just entering the room. I can't seem to stop it either. One thing I noticed is everything is a pissing contest and years ago I was the submissive one [well even young there were times I'd fight back] but now I don't play or fight back and make enemies. Once I was at my depression group and this woman told me to quit fidgeting [Aspies can fidget a lot] but some of it was to try and keep pain at bay since I swell up even just sitting up in the butt and stomach. I told her, "you are not my boss, stood up, put my chair in" and moved to another table and said, "Now I won't bother you". Yeah that woman hated my guts after that but I think hated me anyway on first sight. I notice most people kiss the butts of whatever narcissist has entered the room. I see this dynamic and want to throw up. Sure there's a few exceptions if there's people of any moral character in the room. I have a big mouth, once a woman dissed me in a health class writing in her notebook and I saw it, since she was sitting next to me, "Who let this big fat ass in, she's not sick she's fat!" and I went on a giant litany about fat bigotry for the whole group to hear. Yeah I know I am weird to them too. I'm tired of "trying to be liked".

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    2. Nowadays, I really notice the narcs, and I would wonder why someone would be so controlling, like fidgeting is the worst thing in the world a person can do. I think the best thing to do is to ignore them, or say "yeah?" when they do want to pick on me. Or why do they feel so entitled to pick on me.

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    3. I notice the narcs too now more then before and now I get away from them. I don't want to listen to their bragging and preening even if I am fortunate not to be a target. I sometimes see some narcissists where I am not a target and they may be even polite to me because I am part of the background or just there, as the crowd, but I am already thinking "Don't get too close". Narcs are always nitpicking and criticizing. I am an adult. Correcting someone for fidgeting is done by a parent to a child. She could have gotten up and moved if I was bothering her. Being Aspie already I try not to sit too close to anyone as it is. Yes ignoring them is good. Sometimes I just walk away now.

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  2. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
    Hunter Thompson......

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    1. LOLOL should find a meme and stick that up here!

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  3. I totally get what you're saying. I've always been different, too. Never had many friends. I still don't because I just don't fit in with most people. My husband says I'm a "deep thinker". I also love to read and learn new things all the time. The library is my favorite place to hang out (besides book stores)
    I'm not sure most people really think about things much or ever read a book...it seems like they just go about their lives watching tv, go to movies, out to eat , vacations, and sometimes socialize with "friends" ( but on a superficial level)
    I wish you lived near me. You really sound like a kindred spirit. I love the things you write and think you're a good person who would like to see the world be a better place...me, too!

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    1. Thanks for getting what I have been saying. Yes I have always been different and I agree it sounds like you would be a kindred spirit. My husband says the same thing about me, "the still water runs deep". We love to hang out at libraries. I don't think most people think about life, they just go out "do" the prescribed motions, or something...even the "friendships" yes seem very superficial. My mother never seemed close to any of hers. They watch TV shows, discuss mundane things, etc. I wished we lived closer too. :) Thanks regarding my writing...

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  4. Dear Peeps and Friends, i was always the weird one, and for some reason (Holy Spirit knocking at my door??) try as i did, i coild not conform to theIr standards. And talk about FOOL notions, i thought ttthey were perfectly justified in making fun of weird people like me. About 20 years ago - long before i came to a saving knowledge of Christ - a little voice (Holy Spirit still knocking?) inside my head, told me that just because someone wears green socks and talks funny, does not give other people the right to mock that oddball individual. It was like a light switched on.

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    1. Glad the Holy Spirit warned you. Remember verse in bible about being a peculiar people. Also the verses about not conforming to the world. I know I got called weird a long time. Family did it, over and over. It's true I wasn't like the rest of them but that doesn't mean people who are different are to be mocked.

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