Saturday, August 6, 2016
Be You Even if You're Weird
I was talking to this friend of mine, another one from college, not the one gone feral but the nice one. We were discussing fitting into society. We are both worried about our prospective in real life social circles shrinking. Outside my internet circles, mine took a hit from my move from 9 years ago where it never recovered. It also diminished from the removal of narcs from my life, people dying and some leaving the community I live in now.
She told me she feels like people are passing ships in the night too and she's afraid of no one being left. I said, "We are getting old, this is what my older friends used warned me about...we are stuck in that gap before the senior center is available for us to hang out at."
I said to her, "Socially I'm not going begging anymore. I know I am a specialty item, and just too tired to beat myself up about it anymore. If a friend comes along I will be glad, but I'm not beating my head on the brick wall. We are both who we are."
I hate when I see a great friend of mine being ostracized. Because I am not the norm, I have befriended others on the edges of society. It drives me crazy. Here is this great person, and that includes the friend above, and all their dance cards are empty? Why? I have the refuge of marriage to spare me from soul-sucking worse depths of loneliness, but many people out there are outcasts and lonely and to me they are great people. They simply don't fit in. I can't figure this out, it makes me shake my head.
Some people don't get what I'm about. I don't conform. Even if I was not an Aspie or 500lbs, soul-wise I know I wouldn't be eating Big Macs and watching soap operas all day. I don't conform to society very well. Some of my narc relatives used to get mad at me for being strange and would yell, "You need to act like everyone else!". Many times my mother would complain to her friends about what a strange child I was, and "Why does she sit around reading all those books?". There were times where I really struggled in my teens thinking "I better get with the program, and act more normal and conform!" but I just couldn't do it.
The artist siren song was in my head taking me to new places. I enjoy my own voyage, of thought, intellect and art. People don't always get that about me. Even if I got thrown out the city gates and that part sucks, I enjoy the visas around me. Independent thinkers in this society are abused. Some religious types would say that the watchmen on the wall are not the most loved types. I laughed some time ago when the person who trolled my board wrote, "Do you want to be remembered for your harsh critique of the world?" I answered "YES, I do".
There is a lot wrong with this world, even Jesus said that those who love this world are the ones in spiritual trouble. Well some of us didn't get brainwashed by it. Some of us do decide to "fight". It's my journey NOT yours. My trust of people who love war and the system has sunk to new lows.
Pissing off "programmed" people comes easily to those with personalities like mine.
I tend to think ACON scapegoats, are the kind of people who do learn to think for themselves. We are either beaten down or we come out changed. The soul murderers do succeed in taking people out not just physically but emotionally too. For some of us that crawl out of it beaten and bruised and while the abuse takes its horrible tolls on us, it can serve as a polishing stone carving a new personality and more independent thought. The "herd" was my family and I didn't think like them or value what they did, so when I got older and looked out upon the world, I saw the world differently then how I was told to see it. This is why what the TV told me didn't "take".
I knew very young, that I was on a whole other journey, and that many people wouldn't understand or "get it". One thing I have realized about myself is that there are many people who do not accept me. They hate my personality and they hate what I stand for. They want me to be someone else. This was true of my entire family. I am finally getting to the point where this is okay. I have realized trying to twist myself into a pretzel is a waste of time.
At this age, there's not going to be a personality implant or success in becoming a Stepford wife. If people do not like who I am, what did they expect to happen to a person who grew up in a crucible of evil and insanity? I decided not to become evil myself and trust me a time in life did come where I stood upon the crossroads to goodness or ultimate perdition but what is going to happen to a person in that kind of place? If they survive and manage not to be destroyed, they are going to stand against evil, fight it, and become someone interested in "causes". They are not going to be someone that embraces society and it's endless messages to conform. They are going to stand against it's injustice.