Turning 50

My 50th birthday is this week. 49 sounds a lot better then 50. It's strange, I never prepared to grow this old, and in some ways that threw me off. I struggled so long to stay alive, I figured whatever time I have would be short. Remember I was disabled in my late 20s. People who weigh over 400lbs are told the Grim Reaper is about to take them out at any second. Yeah Lipedema changes that equation. However I almost did die far younger.  Every birthday is better then the alternative.

Being old is weird to me. I feel like I am 25 years old inside and need at least 25 years rolled back. Time got away from me somewhere around the year 2000, it's like it accelerated, and that worsened around 10 years ago. Even the years sound funny to me, 2020? What the hell, in my head it's 1987. In some ways, for me being 50 is far more troubling. I got behind and never caught up, though surely there's lots of people in my boat. I did get to be happily married even though there were no kids. However many of us all think we will have "made it" by 50 and that didn't happen.

Aging is hard to deal with. You ponder appearance issues, wrinkles, grey hair, and now the health problems that come automatically like needing glasses which I got last year. The passage of time seems so ignored by people. Inside of me there's a little voice, that yells, "Hurry up, Hurry up, there's only so much time before it's all over!". One ponders how much time is left with strange algebraic equations in my case about how long someone with COPD could live and could I be the world's fattest woman to live the longest ever?

It's strange when I was in my 30s, I wanted to hang around older people, and I did. This is one reason I lost so many friends, that's one draw back of befriending people older then you. People don't live forever. I have some older friends still and this is an inner worry.  Now I want to hang around people who are younger then me too. That's been a transition. I won't be ageist but inside I still feel young.

 I don't want to cut my hair short in tight curls, and don't want to wear white sneakers, and old people "uniforms". I still want to dress goth, listen to rock, and read comics.  Will the nursing homes in the 2040s and 2050s, have Gen X listening to Depeche Mode and U2? It's always funny to me how nursing homes, seem to hold on to the swing music and big band junk when the people who are old in there probably would rather be listening to Jimi Hendrix and The Doors.  In the 1990s, the red hat society ladies who were growing old were all in vogue, many have probably died off now. They tried to make growing older fun.

Some older women talk about a certain invisibility that takes over them with age. I'm not sure if I have felt that. Marriage has spared me from having to look "sexy" to attract a man though he likes a lot of my outfits and dresses.  Being Aspie already sets you aside. I feel for women who probably enjoyed life, being active and healthy, I wonder if aging is different for someone like that then me, who was in such bad shape early on. 

Some people never marry and stay single for life. That is probably very rough. There's the Elder Orphans out there who have no one. Only my spouse keeps me from fulfilling that criteria. Elder Orphan, what a sad name, it gives me pictures of little old people on canes or walkers left out in a street somewhere, with begging bowls at their feet.
 
Some of us never have kids. Society pictures every older woman sitting at her long dining room table with their giant families gathered around them. There's people I went to high school with that have a dozen grandchildren already. I just don't relate to them. What of those who don't have families? I could barely take care of myself. Probably if you have kids, its easier to age, you feel like you are leaving something behind in the world and it's people.  The only way I could have had kids in my case is if I had gotten pregnant as a teen, and in my case the family support would not have been there.

That's a rough part for us people who never had children. I sometimes post on child free boards, telling them to know what they are getting into especially when they get to my age. For me, being childfree was less of a "choice", but this is something to be concerned about. Some of us wonder who will take care of us when we are old. I and my husband sometimes have gotten sick at the same time, and that's one of the times when I've had those thoughts.

Some people when they age worry about getting ill, or incapacitated. I already crossed that Rubicon. Still others worry about ending up alone, and or ending up as bag ladies. This can be a society that is rough on the old.

At UU fellowship one lady read a poem about aging. That lady is probably 25-30 years older then me. She said they had a "croning" ceremony for those who hit their 50th birthday at her far larger UU church years ago. I found that interesting. They did it for mothers as well as non-mothers. In native cultures, there is more respect for the elders, and for their wisdom. This is something we have lost in society, isn't it. I had many older ladies lead me when I was a young woman, who were "mentors". We definitely need that. Allow women who have lifetimes of experience to share those experiences.


As one's life progresses, old age can be a time of regrets. That's a rough thing being an older person who has regrets. Maybe all people do.  I was sitting in the living room with my husband talking about this week and turning 50 and saying,"Where did the time go?". I said at least I found love in this life, that was a great thing not everyone managed but told him I felt sad about the struggles and that we had such a hard life. It is strange, I said, "But we tried our best didn't we, and we had some good times along the way!"  Right now, it will be time to make use of the time we got left, the best we can.


Aging is inevitable, so I will try not to cry over this birthday like I did when I turned 40. Turning 50 feels strange though like I had arrived at a point I never expected.