"You Still Have Your Self"

By age 5, I knew something was wrong. I know something was very wrong with the people I was around. I remember sitting on the front stoop crying my eyes out because I felt so alone. Already they were telling me I was wrong about everything. Remember my mother's friend who told me my mother never would accept me for being fat? She told me something else in 2001 too. She told me that my parents were upset because I "knew too much". Mouth of babes and narcs can be an explosive mixture perhaps. What did she mean by that? That I was seeing through some of the lies before any fog came in even as a little child? They hated me already seeing an inner light, the thing in me that would one day rebel against them perhaps. Maybe their inner demons poked pitchforks at them saying, this one will be written in the "Book of Life" one day. I know I explored the dark spiritual insides of my sister in an article called Sister Light, Sister Dark, but definitely the spiritual insides of my mother are just as dark if not far worse.

 He is right about the narcissist parents lacking the inner light and love and how they focus on only the external reality. They do live in fantasy world. Yes they hated seeing someone seeking after truth who was a real person, even their own child. Smakintosh mentions the entire family systems turning on people [this includes him and myself of course]. He is wise to warn about therapists, one has to be very careful and find a therapist that understands this abuse.  This can be difficult. I don't want to post about Dr. Phil again, but I just watched a show, where he told a beaten down victim of a narcissist to reconcile with one yet again. I fear sometimes that show is being used to excuse narcissism. This case was complicated as the victim had gotten into drugs and there were children involved with the narc mother taking over custody of them, but it was upsetting to see blatant narcissism yet again excused and covered up.  I watch that show like a train wreck not for recommendation.

Wow on this sentence! "I think this is the most dramatic part of the abuse, this abandonment, this quote family who creates this illusion of love and care towards you--doesn't give a damn about you." It's weird, I was talking to a close friend this morning on the phone and I told her this was something I had to face, I had to admit I was strangers to them and when push came to shove, I know they didn't give a damn about me either. When I got sick in 2013, well I know I have been pretty sick off and on, I was afraid I was dying. None of them cared. They still wouldn't stop by even when driving within a mile of my apartment. This was a litmus test if there ever was one. Some ACONs in recovery may give in to that thought thinking their family will suddenly repent and show care if they were ever on their deathbeds, but it's simply not true. Take it from one who knows it first hand, they do not give a damn, and even if you are hanging on to this world by your fingernails and constant prayers to God, they could care less.

I'm at that point right now, facing that horrific realization. I am even concerned that some of my emotional-healing-no contact work right now is affecting my health with diabetes and my history of PTSD playing a few dance steps together. Recovered memories and just thinking about how my life went a certain way and the love I deserved but missed out on, has been difficult. I had to go mellow out at the nature center, visit a kind good friend and get a cool breeze on my face, and thankfully we were able to pay our bills this month and get some decent food, for a short time, otherwise I think I could have ended up in the hospital. I may tell my doctor of some of my emotional struggles, they know a few basic outlines and that I am estranged from my family and they can't trust the family medical information anymore and in me I do have to be careful not to let the emotional make me very ill.

This is facing that sense of loneliness and abandonment he mentions. Remember I have just gone no contact with the rest of them just three months ago, outside the few young ones, like the niece who emails on rare occasion. With her I have no expectations, I expect the others will influence her to have nothing to do with me as well soon. I am going to hit the two year mark with the main narcs in June. With the remaining family members, I left the Facebook accounts alone for now, but have hidden all posts not wanting one to call me over and over but have not talked to one family member outside the niece in emails since January. [No one tried calling me back not even my brother or to ask me why I have disappeared over the last 3 months]. I think my brother knows I am done with him ever since the present and house full of furniture brag-a-thon.

I had no one to talk to on a heart to heart basis in the family too. Smakintosh is right to ask about those wondering  how can one have encouragement when your whole family kicked you to the curb? I believe the way out too is to embrace love in yourself and realizing you still possess yourself too. He is right about the family members still  being caught spellbound and in the illusions of the abusive parents. We did love truth in coming out. I know my whole no contact has been bound up in my Christian faith and seeking after truth no more accepting their lies, or wickedness about this world. No more bowing down to the wicked.

I know my family is a cult, they don't own their own souls. My family is so controlled, I know I have shocked them even daring to cross the Queen. They are living a lie and following a lie. For some of us who it has cost us so much, even our health, it can be scary. This is not an easy world to be disabled with no family in. This is painful stuff. I often have prayed to God asking "Why me?"  One can feel that pain deep in of having no family watching a world that seems to become more family oriented by the minute. It is better I have escaped and followed my own conscience and God, I see people having lost their very souls to these narc abusers and Thank God I was not one of them no matter the price.

Peep Takes Pictures of Peeps

Better Call Saul: Jimmy Undermined by His Brother

There's a saying out there: "Make sure everyone in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes". I have watched some "Better Call Saul"s with my husband who is a fan and this episode resonated with me. Jimmy is a new lawyer and was actively working to join his brother's giant law firm and even managed to build a multimillion dollar case, and still the law firm would not hire him. He realized his brother who he had helped for years had destroyed his chances of ever being hired behind the scenes. What is even worse is Jimmy had helped this brother who had become mentally ill and afraid of electricity for years with being able to feed and take care of himself since he was unable to leave the house.

One thing about dysfunctional family members is, for the scapegoats or others, they want you to fail. They will drill holes. I think of my drill holes, my own family did, when they had connections to high level jobs including even decent middle class jobs within their govt. organization that hired even people without college degrees in the 80s and 90s. Then there was the time I was desperately looking for a teaching job and had experience where my mother had the connection to someone who was an education department big whig. Some will say people are not entitled to anything or this help, and this is true to a point but watch out if you have family members who are actively sabotaging you behind the scenes.

Many relatives do not want you to succeed. They want to keep you down in your lowly role. They do not want scapegoats to have any money. They enjoy having someone they can feel better then and lord over. My mother got absolute glee over my failures and over me being poor. She drooled at the idea of me being behind the proverbial shopping cart.  In other words while they yell at you for being a loser, and poor or needing money, they make sure to do everything in your power to keep you there. Even at the gov't organization, half illiterate people who were friends were hired into my parent's place and into middle class jobs. I was denied.

 I realized even to my horror how I was isolated and kept away from multiple people my parents knew in their work world, and even cousins, that both my siblings were friends with and knew.  Facebook can be an education about the narcs, well before you go no contact and block them. I had Chuck- like sabotages done on my life. I fought tooth and nail even for the degree I did get--they were against me going to college at all and the one or two professional jobs I could scrape from the bottom of the barrel, but this is something scapegoats have to watch out for.

 My student teaching was affected by my parent's abuse when I had to move home. I even suspect one relative of doing a Chuck like sabotage on my husband. I confronted her but she played innocent. These type of people do ruin lives.

Lipedema Sister Laura Deese Reaches Out

I hope and am praying she can get the help she needs. Lipedema and Lymphedema are among the most neglected disorders and the years without any treatment means the progressive disorders worsen including totally taking someone's mobility away. I did try to get some information about visiting home doctors to her, I know of national company that covers many regions. My housecall doctors drive from an office that is nearly an hour away. Hopefully someone will help with widening her door for her wheelchair.

Punk Size Acceptance

 A friend took a picture of this on a girl's jacket at a punk concert some years ago. I don't advocate violence or riots but it made me laugh. I wish fat people would go and protest and yell the "Diets aren't working!" Remember I think all the focus on the acceptance of the fat itself and not the people has thrown help for fat people off the rails. Fat people are like the scapegoats of our society, not believed and invalidated when we tell them the diets have failed us. Everyone wants to be healthy.

I'm tired!

I am failing to lose weight and maybe I should just get myself put in the hospital and get some weight off to reduce my diabetes. Even 50lbs off could reduce the blood sugars. Of course what would they do with me that I am not doing at home? My food at home is probably BETTER. I do not know what to do. I am stumped. This is fat insanity. Nothing is working.  Nothing works. I even worry that my diabetes has gone off the rails because I got so scared of weight gain and from trying to do more caloric restriction. I get weighed on May 5th, and if I have gone up in weight, I am going to ask to be put in the hospital to get some off.  In pictures I do not look I have gained. I do have phobias about weight gain. Not everyone here knows this, but I am deathly afraid of weight gain and entering the 600s and 700s and losing mobility I do have. The world does not realize that I have to pay attention to every bit going into my mouth even to hold weight gain off.

There seems no rhyme or reason with the blood sugars. Supposedly exercise is supposed to lower blood sugars but not in my case. At least I proved my case to medical professionals already but could they get more weight off me? Should I starve or become a bulimic?  I am going to die of being fat, and from diabetes soon. Sometimes lately I worry all this medical stuff is going to give me a nervous breakdown and I am working through enough emotional stuff, with my going no contact from the toxic family, NC has brought a bunch of memories back too. Add in the Aspie and poverty issues and my brain is spinning. What should I do? What scares the crap out of me is, I am not eating that badly at all. In fact my emphasis is on healthy food all the time.

Even if the doctors know I have severe rare disorders making me so fat and bloated and water logged, there is still some semblance of control over things, they expect me to work for but I do not feel that control or see the results outside of the legs.  I am spending 4-5 hours a day on medically related things. This can include 1-2 hours for leg wrapping--this depends on how much I am up but two wrappings a day takes time, lung nebulizing--half an hour, two hours for Flexitouch, another half an hour or 20 minutes, taking pills, probably another half hour or hour, doing stretchy bands or walking, hours on cooking where I can't eat ready made things and have to cook and chop and make soup, and I haven't added in various other things like apply creams, daily grooming, washing my CPAP humidifier etc. Even remembering to take endless vitamins is a lot.

 I don't want to lay in bed all day. I will get fatter. The Lipedema stuff is driving me mad, my legs are being kept down with wrapping and such but the more hyper I am and moving around the bloating and pain is the stuff of insanity. There are lymph nodes in me that when I bloat hurt like hell. Lumps all over me swelling. I have this bad thing constantly happening where I start peeing very little and my body bloats horribly the more I move around. How does a person win with this?

It happened yesterday because I was running about the apartment and very hyper, and then went to church and ran other errands. The funny thing lately is I can walk farther and easier, which has been an outcome of the leg therapies but I am sicker otherwise with the diabetes.  What what would you think every time you try and exercise, you see your body visibly grow including your face and arms? This has been true for many many years. Remember with stage IV lipedema you have body wide lymphedema. Yes the doctors know about this.

At least everything goes down when  Flexitouch it and lay in bed, but it is very painful. I sit up or I am doing things and the pain grows and grows. The pain forces me to take to my bed to pee. The pain hurts. I am tired a lot. One thing happening lately is I feel like pushing through the pain to do everything, it isn't even my legs hurting--Flexitouch helped that but just the body overall hurting. I used to cry from leg pain and that is out of my life. My legs are better but my body I feel inflamed all over. Like Fibromylgia from the depths of hell. Even my wrists and arms hurt. My neck kills me. I can cook standing up and was chopping salad and vegetables yesterday but while there was energy for that, there wasn't for doing any dishes so a giant pile of them awaits me. My spoons feel very limited. I am tired even of my constant medical duties. I can't decide if I am doing too much or too little. Self-care mingles with guilt. The undone chores stare me down. Why am I writing online instead of cleaning?

I wonder if the hospital could help me. Maybe they could address the weight loss failures. I don't know. Sometimes I feel so tired it's like I could lay in bed for a week and just sleep. I sometimes wonder if something endocrine is happening to make the diabetes run completely off the rails too. I have to tell the doctors about the fatigue and pain. I am living my life but there are times I am crying inside. I have been sick since I was 27 years old. I had a lot wrong by age 13.  I was nearly 700lbs at age 29. I am 46 now and tired.

They Want to Starve the Serfs

I always thought the caloric restriction and "starve yourself to live longer" meme was total nonsense. Remember they can try and sell any bunk via statistics. Most of the world starved for centuries and had reduced life spans. I always wonder if this is advanced for our dystopian future where they will ration the food and tell people "Starvation is good for you". If the grocery prices keep going up some may be running into this sooner then they thought. Here you have someone saying protein restriction works wonders but then the other side, says "Eat too many carbs, then you will die". I wish they'd make their mind up. I sometimes worry I destroyed my kidneys trying to "low-carb" it for the sake of PCOS and diabetes but come on, all we get is endless confusion. Here too we could have the enforced vegetarianism for the proles too one day sold under "health".