Thursday, March 19, 2020

Coronavirus Blues

Germphobes are now living their worse nightmare. So now they are telling us to wash our hands, well some of us washed their hands all the time.

Weird questions have come to my mind.... Does this mean society is going to collapse like all my old bible prophecy books told me? Is the asteroid next?

Will I be foraging in the woods on a breaking apart walker? Is the USA economy going to collapse? Some are worried about this. Are a bunch of people going to die? This is where being a newly deconverted conspiracy theorist feels like a nightmare of it's own.

I finally get my head screwed on straight and something worse then 9-11 happens. I live in a small town but the streets are still empty and people are freaked out.  In real life, remaining silent seems best because dumping my screaming inside emotions on anyone, is just going to cause problems.

My conspiracy theory mind....[I still believe in SOME conspiracy theories, while accepting a lot of them were bullcrap] starts wondering about things. Are they doing this to issue martial law? Is this to get us all vaccinated and chipped by force? Is this to make everyone live alone in their house? Is this some kind of testing event? Is this because massive protests were breaking out in Hong Kong and other countries? Did the ultra-wealthy due to Bernie's popularity realize more people in America were fed up and ready for democratic socialism and they wanted a new way to clamp society down?

Or did someone really eat a bowl of bat soup and start the pandemic rolling?

Is it a bioweapon? Which side released it if it is? How many people died for real in China, Italy, Iran and other places?

I read all that Georgia Guidestones crap that told me the elite wanted the population decreased to 500 million for the whole world so that old popular conspiracy stuff about "depopulation" is going through my head. Other conspiracy people have claimed it is related to 5G "radiation".

I apologize for some of the conspiracy musings, due to my past, but the right wingers calling it a hoax, and still going to meet at their churches of 300 plus people against government mandates are freaking me out too. They are spreading a virus even more around. They are being damned selfish! They call everything fake news and ignore the few people we have in government who may be looking out to stop a worse tragedy. Trump let this go on far too long and didn't stop the planes soon enough! I am following the scientific mandates. Flattening the curve makes sense.

This includes all the social distancing, ironically everyone is being made to live my housebound lifestyle during cold and hot months. Sadly I am missing out on a month where I can be outside. I'm used to being indoors, normal people aren't. I can see some flipping out around the time the 2 week marker hits. Extroverts will confront the limitations of Skype. What about all the poor souls who live alone? What are they supposed to do? For some it will be like solitary confinement in prison.

I've been inside as long as 90 days straight. I'm taking a few car rides with husband and to parks separate from people. The news is awful, I am going to have to take a breather after writing this to retain my sanity and stop reading some boards like collapse and coronavirus on reddit.

One scary thing, many super-sized people or other disabled people would be first on the triaged to die list if there was 20 people and 10 ventilators to be disbursed.  This already has happened in Italy.  It was not enjoyable to watch people web wide claim with relief it really only killed off the old and chronically ill.

Sometimes I wonder if this planet is hell and if we were all sent here to suffer. This is a thought only shared with the inner circle usually. God didn't step up to stop millions dying during the black plague either.  Some of my personal friends are freaked out because during my conspiracy and bible prophecy days, I talked about the "coming collapse of America" and openly researched emigration for some time but hit the chronic health and money barriers. I had this feeling of dread too, that something "bad" was going to happen soon too.

How is someone with a history of PTSD [CPTSD] diagnosed supposed to deal with this crap? I have one friend who is dealing with stage 4 cancer, how is she supposed to deal with this too? I was in an event where society collapsed for some days from a blizzard building a fire of magazines on a motel snowy lawn, but that was short and you knew it would be over. There's no therapists to talk you through as society goes under. I find myself thinking things like, "You need to toughen up, or you never will survive." My husband seems to be coping well but I am scared for him too. He's the one going out to get things we need and we have no masks only a few latex gloves. He has told me to calm down and that the scientists are on the job.

So tell me how you feel about this? Are you ready to flip out? Scared of society and the economy collapsing? I am scared for those who have had their work erased and who face health problems. How many restaurant workers are now facing serious unemployment as well as many others? Wondering what it all means. I don't even know what to think. Where I live, absolutely everything has been shut down.


  1. Pastor Dave of our local Evangelical Church has had to post on his church door and website that this is not the End Times do not give away all your food and bog rolls you are not about to be Raptured . Poor man is a basket case i did point out to him that those who are expecting to be Raptured are those most likely to be left behind ...i couldnt stop myself , forgive me

    1. That's funny what you said about those expecting to be raptured. When I was still a Christian, I was post-trib, and called rapture beliefs, "easy escapism". Probably most of them now are preaching the Rapture is on the way, so Pastor Dave sounds like an exception. What did he say when you said that? I know I may get sarcastic now and say "Beam me up Scotty, cough, I mean Yahweh!"

  2. I have lots of dealings with Pastor Dave through Foodbank , he is an endless source of amusements. He is a jet black very educated bloke blessed with a rural parish filled with elderly white racists and to make it worse he is the henpecked husband of a white wife who is also a Pastor and a force of nature . Sometimes i wonder who he offended in the church hierarchy to be sent here. Lovely good intentioned deluded bloke . I did drop the fact that im leaning more towards Quakerism these days , just so he can think of reasons i shouldnt

    1. Yeah around here all the food pantries and co-ops are run by churches. I know how that can go, in my case having to listen to prayers I do not believe in, I sit politely and quietly. Hmm maybe he got demoted sent to the middle of nowhere or his dominant wife chose the area. I had a few of the nice pastors "visit" my table, but kind of chased them away getting into obscure religious topics. I was a well-studied fundie. I can see me now getting into religious debates or questioning a pushy one, but usually follow the mode of avoiding religious topics, because I am a non-Christian in a very religious and conservative area. Yeah talk to him about Quakerism, he will leave you alone.

  3. Your not alone.I feel exactly like every word you wrote.You finally get some clarity and now everything becomes unclear again and all the old conspiracies come back into your mind.
    I think the best thing to say is"I don't know!".
    I also relate to being ill, and all the fears that go along with that; like med supply lines being interrupted,or just plain not having any money for it.
    I feel like my life has been filled with so much uncertainty ; and I was just getting a little bit settled and now this!
    I am used to social isolation so so far it just seems normal to me.
    Hang in there! Use your writing to ease your anxiety. I appreciate what you wrote as it helped me.

    1. My husband's work is slowing down, we may be back in extreme poverty. What is there to transcribe when there's no business. We do have helpful friends, that may help keep us alive but it is scary. I can keep the rent paid as long as there is Social Security. I am even wondering if we should pay for car insurance next week, I mean whose going to care about car insurance during Mad Max time. [he made money for it, but I have to pay a big electric bill too] Already the food stores are running too long for my liking, I doubled our shopping, we didn't have too much money to prep. At least there is some money to go get some food, wondering if I should go with but that's getting dangerous now. I told him we should start cutting food down to save it but I have to watch my nutritional levels-if I got into severe anemia [I have a problems where my red blood cells get way too small and doctors have to do constant blood tests, I am going to be screwed because maintenance of this is probably not going to be as much] I believe some conspiracies. I found this article that was censored but someone kept a copy of it.

      However as husband says even if the planet is ruled by completely evil assholes, "What can you do about it?" I like to know what is going on but he has a point.

      The old religious crud too is bothering me inside, but I am not going to reconvert. I figure a God that gets it's kicks torturing humans and who wants to turn this earth into a hellscape a la the Revelation smackdown, isn't worthy of my worship and I'd be faking any love and affection anyhow for such a monster. Maybe there is a loving "Source" that will rescue us or maybe we will no longer exist, but at one point all the troubles will stop.

      Yeah I had life on the hardsetting, and yeah finally felt settled, hoping for a few enjoyable years--I have so much wrong with me, how much time is left? And now, the world is deciding to collapse while I am vulnerable. Yes disabled people are in big time trouble. Society isn't going to care about our infections or need for medicine as people scramble to survive and feed their kids, in fact many will believe it would be better if we just died and were not burdens. I expect the med supply to be vaporized, and trying to accept what will happen to me as a result. I have some extras on some meds but in last years, due to the fact I had to take everything and never miss any dosages to stay alive, there's many meds without extras. I fear no water pills/lasix the most too. Yeah what about money as well?

      Husband's transcription company had no work, so I see the poverty coming. I've lived in extreme poverty.

      Yeah the social isolation sucks, I went to online UU service, but left right after it was over though they were having social time via Zoom. What do I say to people now? I expect to die soon and those of you who have had normal lives, don't know what could be coming? They are kind people I don't want to freak them out. Some have already helped me, one bought me some toilet paper since our town had none she brought some from a neighboring town. Ive been so poor I've wiped my butt with a wash cloth reserved for that use, and rinsed out, yes that is gross but it was necessary.

      Thanks for your kind words, hang in there too. I agree about saying "I don't know"

    2. I have had thoughts about going back to Christianity because of this thing. Thinking, "what if they are right about the new world order and this is it!". But people can be right about some things and wrong about a whole lot else. Some of the worst people in my life have said at least one profound or memorable, teachable thing to me. But I would disregard everything else they have ever said. And Christians could be right.But,I can't make myself believe. Every time I read the bible I would start questioning things in it. I even asked God to help me better understand it. But he never did. Maybe I already understood ! The New testament seemed like a story; and the Moses with the pharaoh story seemed totally hokey.So I really had to put aside my reason for a lot of that book. Plus, I never felt that God loved me.But I sometimes envy people with faith.If it gives them peace.It never did me.Maybe I lost the spiritual battle,or maybe it just wasn't true.
      I too believe there are conspiracies, possibly even with this event.It's just I always feel like I'm going down rabbit holes to a dead end.
      So, hope you are doing OK.
      I'm just trying not to worry about the future too much so as not to scare myself into total anxiety!It's so easy right now!
      Be Well..

    3. I wonder if some will be scared into reconverting, but I know something is deeply wrong with christianity because it is based in scapegoating and authoritarianism and the god shown within with it's threats of hell is abusive and cold. If anything via the Christian Taliban in America, this virus and it's getting out of control was made more likely via Trump and his supporters. Even if I thought the Christian god was real now, I would not follow, because it is cruel and cold. I would be a liar to say that I love it, like Winston is brainwashed to love "Big Brother". I cannot worship or submit to evil and cold, and punishing supernatural beings, real or imagined. I guess that is best way I can put it.I do have my worrries, about what if I am wrong but I will have the courage of my convictions and if it wants to throw me on the slippery slide to hell, I will raise a middle finger and say "Down with Tyrants". I hope for a "better" God that would put this one to shame. The Christian god is negative thing to me now. If there is a "Source" or "divine being" or "creator" of trillions of galaxies, maybe it will share my disgust for primitive cold and capricious, scapegoating and blood demanding Yahweh. I know I mention this book a lot and I still need to read the sequels but see the book Ishmael by David Quinn.

      I can't make myself believe either. I have to use my brain. I prayed to their God a long time and it disappointed on everything [like it was not even there] and to deconvert I had to face my honest thoughts about it, and what it was presented as. I was tired of putting aside my reason to buy the nonsense too. God never loved me either. It treated me the same as my narcissistic parents. There was so much overlap, that my departure from the family fitted in with the departure from the faith. Yes some get peace, but I see some led into non-compassion and evil too, and that is affecting our country. Yes I believe some conspiracies like you are real, I think they lie about so much, 9-11 was a lie but this is like 1,000 9-11s with the possible deaths and impact on our personal lives. Thanks so much for your nice post. Yeah be cautious, Christianity runs on fear and threats, that's why I don't like it anymore. Take care too.

  4. I'm in "silicon valley" and 99% of people seem to be staying home. This is probably a good time to do hobbies, learn a language, something like that.

    1. Glad they are staying home. My husband is still forced to go the grocery store or pick up meds, but I have told him we need to have him cut that down. I want to go to a park today if it is warm enough otherwise may wait, but hoping I don't run into neighbors. I am used to being housebound and have a lot of hobbies in my case, and am painting in art journals.

  5. Oh, this is hard for you, Peeps, I can tell -- your frustration flies right off the page! All I can say is, I hope that this won't drag on forever, and for now, we go one day at a time. I am adjusting well, I think, because I spend so much time here anyway, it seems, but at least we have each other. And there's more to the picture than meets the eye -- check with me on that one. --Mr. Peep

    1. Thanks Mr. Peep <3 I am frustrated. I am glad we have each other and are home together. I know we may have to really make serious choices about life, leaving this country or finding a better way to survive. I know we have been through such intense things people cannot imagine. Having you in the middle of this makes it far more bearable.<3

  6. Dear Peeps and Friends, if people are scared into reconverting, it won't last. This cono will run its course - just like the spanish flu did a century ago. By the way, per a really good sermon i had recently listened to (by a for-real follower of Christ) he researched what was going on a century ago. Back then, they closed the schools, churches, theatres, saloons ... and practiced social distancing. Stay well.