Life is now a trap for many. I feel one wrong step and off the cliff I'll go! A friend helped me out about two months ago. Around a week later, the govt sent me a notice, telling me that my disability check was going to be 400 dollars less than normal! If not for that friend's help, the lights probably would have been turned off.
We are trying to sell some ebay to pay this month's electric bill. I find what free stuff I can do, like the Senior Center art classes, and going to the library. Life worrying about money constantly is very hard. Why did we both have to become "throw-away" people? America is basically a dystopia now. This place for many of us is hell.
Most poor people under the "think positive" mantras of America, hide their suffering, I talk about it at the risk of being called a loser. My skin is rock hard now, it rolls off, call me a bum, I'm just trying to survive.
In real life, I do hide my poverty but now with my crumbling shoes and worsening health, that's getting harder and harder. This weekend we ran out of shampoo, trash-bags, and all groceries. I had some canned beans left and foods that could cause kidney stones like some canned ravioli and frozen pork from a food pantry. I can't take kidney stone risks. He called a friend that brought us some groceries. She is a nice person. I will send her a small painting soon. It sucks though why are things like this that we are always in need?
Should we go live in our van? Well I'm not physically up to the rigors. Beg a friend to go live in their very small apartment? What do I do with my medical equipment that alone fills half a room? I wrote this long list of options for us to take. I told husband, we need to discuss these. We will keep the housing record clean staying here until the spring when the lease is up otherwise. We are too frozen. I'm more of a risk taker, I want to say "Dump it!" and flee.
The rules for the poor are jokes. HUD, considers us as "making too much" even if we are both just on disability and/or Social Security alone. Who thought that up? You know life is going down the shitter when you say things to your husband like, "Maybe I should go live in a group home and you can go live with a friend for a while!" It would put too much distance between us though.
When the guy in the above video tours those stores, I couldn't afford anything there. Costco looks like millionaire's alley. Most of the meats he shows would take up one quarter of my food budget. The Legos, and junk food, who can afford any of that?
Food got in very short supply. When you are poor the carbohydrates go up, I was going to give up pasta but had to eat a bit this week because it's what I had. I've cut portions in half to have another for another meal. We had spaghetti with ground turkey meat sauce two nights in a row. We don't seem to be losing the weight normal people would on less food. There's a lot of times I have to plan for low blood sugar, especially if food is short in the house like holding on to the last banana and putting it in my walker if I'm going out.
The other week I got a kidney infection, it was bad. I waited, thinking it was passing kidney stones, hoping they would pass. I threw up for 4-5 days in a row. There was a 48 hour period where my only food was 2 bites of banana, that was later thrown up. I had to time things to get pills down and restrain the puking. Insulin was halved to keep from dying of low blood sugar. This is sick, but the thought occurred to me, "Wow, I'm saving a lot of money on food!" I also thought, "I hope this takes some weight off". I don't know why I can't go without food when I'm not sick like this but there were 4-5 days without any food. I've never thrown up so much in my life. It was mostly dry heaves and bile too, food disappears fast. It felt like I was dying.
When you get that sick, it's hard to keep it together. I finally said "Call my urologist, these kidney stones won't pass!" My husband got him on the phone, and he told me to go to the ER. When you are poor, you don't want to go to the hospital, thinking of the money. Maybe I waited too long. I avoided sepsis at least and was not admitted though they almost admitted me. They put me under the care of my house call doctors and put me on antibiotics. There were no kidney stones, it was the kidney infection. The hospital staff did treat me well.
The reason I got sick, was the stress. Also, the climate in my northern state, seems to be akin to Florida's now. It is always hot and humid. Sometimes I think we should move north, but who wants to move away from their few friends? There's less medical care too in the northern areas. Our air conditioner broke and was leaking, they replaced it, but I was getting hot constantly. The AC spewed out a little cold air, but I don't think was removing any humidity. At this weight, it is dangerous to be hot too often.
We were selling ebay and I was helping him. Today I'm putting up some old zines, maybe its only 4 dollars, but it will get me a head of lettuce or some food. Inflation has made my disability check basically worthless. It is keeping the roof over our heads and paying the now overinflated electric bill, 200 a month, and that's it. I don't have anything left. He's doing transcription but now the transcription company is cutting work and that's scary. He had to do surveys for us to eat a few dinners.
There's nowhere to go in this town. I live in a wealthier area next to one of the worse ghetto areas in the state. There's no studio apartments in this town. It's weird. They basically in the last few years have driven off all the working class and poorer people as they have gentrified this place to death. So we have the pressure of having to start over. We have been waiting for that housing list for subsidized housing but now I fear things are going to collapse before then.
This has been my life among some liberals who have told me the economy is doing great!
I hate how my life has turned out. It seems no matter what I have done, it just went bad. The world will tell you, that you lack discipline, its your fault. I was told in the church world my life went badly because I lacked faith and that didn't do many wonders for sustaining that faith. Most poor people in America are forced out of churches. You can't afford tithes, dues, activities and meals for the potluck. I wish there were churches for poor people, it would be nice to share goods and resources that way. My one decent Christian church, in my old working class town, we had a food closet church members could use when they became broke. That was a good idea. If I do church again, I will only go to a church full of other poor people. Maybe it will be more like that again.
Sometimes I do ask "Why did I have to be a throwaway person?" Why did he have to be one too? Is it the autism? He was good at the newspaper work and articles he writes now, I sent some links to online friends to prove he can do work while we are slammed into extreme poverty. Sometimes I do question what role my family played in this life destruction. None of them ever went without a job. None of them ever went without a dollar they wanted. I'm not around to know but from my previous experience, none of them ever lost jobs or went without money.
Applying for jobs online, you don't even talk to humans. He told me one day, "I feel like the robots are weeding me out!" I tried to take a picture for his ID to apply for one job with my phone, and it didn't go through. They wouldn't help him either. "Sucks to be you!" is the whole attitude.
More and more people are doing bad now. The middle class is getting squashed. I complain online but don't say much IRL, because even the people with money now are having it vacuumed out. Except for the very rich, everyone's lifestyle is diminishing. Everything is skyrocketing in cost. Life is failing to "work" for the majority now. I am in shock there has not been peaceful protests at grocery stores in poor towns especially for the corporates. Maybe there has been and they are keeping it out of the news. Some states are reporting everything is being put behind glass there's so many thefts, but all the burgeoning poverty where people can't afford anything is probably helping that happen.
Sometimes I think just practice stoicism. I already went through extreme poverty trauma, and most long time readers of this blog, know how very extreme it was. There's a point where you stop caring. I make jokes now well if I am in the streets at least I won't have to worry about these damn bills. Cry, scream, sell stuff--I sold off every piece of silver in the house even taking the guy an old spoon, it doesn't change. The last two times, it crashed and burned I was crying. Now I am kind of numb.
You feel more lost of a family when poor like this, you have thoughts like, "If I had a decent family, I could go live with them and take a breather, and wait for my apartment!" It's easier to be poor with a decent family than without one. I'm glad we have the friends we do though. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have good friends.
In real life, I do hide my poverty but now with my crumbling shoes and worsening health, that's getting harder and harder. This weekend we ran out of shampoo, trash-bags, and all groceries. I had some canned beans left and foods that could cause kidney stones like some canned ravioli and frozen pork from a food pantry. I can't take kidney stone risks. He called a friend that brought us some groceries. She is a nice person. I will send her a small painting soon. It sucks though why are things like this that we are always in need?
Should we go live in our van? Well I'm not physically up to the rigors. Beg a friend to go live in their very small apartment? What do I do with my medical equipment that alone fills half a room? I wrote this long list of options for us to take. I told husband, we need to discuss these. We will keep the housing record clean staying here until the spring when the lease is up otherwise. We are too frozen. I'm more of a risk taker, I want to say "Dump it!" and flee.
The rules for the poor are jokes. HUD, considers us as "making too much" even if we are both just on disability and/or Social Security alone. Who thought that up? You know life is going down the shitter when you say things to your husband like, "Maybe I should go live in a group home and you can go live with a friend for a while!" It would put too much distance between us though.
When the guy in the above video tours those stores, I couldn't afford anything there. Costco looks like millionaire's alley. Most of the meats he shows would take up one quarter of my food budget. The Legos, and junk food, who can afford any of that?
Food got in very short supply. When you are poor the carbohydrates go up, I was going to give up pasta but had to eat a bit this week because it's what I had. I've cut portions in half to have another for another meal. We had spaghetti with ground turkey meat sauce two nights in a row. We don't seem to be losing the weight normal people would on less food. There's a lot of times I have to plan for low blood sugar, especially if food is short in the house like holding on to the last banana and putting it in my walker if I'm going out.
The other week I got a kidney infection, it was bad. I waited, thinking it was passing kidney stones, hoping they would pass. I threw up for 4-5 days in a row. There was a 48 hour period where my only food was 2 bites of banana, that was later thrown up. I had to time things to get pills down and restrain the puking. Insulin was halved to keep from dying of low blood sugar. This is sick, but the thought occurred to me, "Wow, I'm saving a lot of money on food!" I also thought, "I hope this takes some weight off". I don't know why I can't go without food when I'm not sick like this but there were 4-5 days without any food. I've never thrown up so much in my life. It was mostly dry heaves and bile too, food disappears fast. It felt like I was dying.
When you get that sick, it's hard to keep it together. I finally said "Call my urologist, these kidney stones won't pass!" My husband got him on the phone, and he told me to go to the ER. When you are poor, you don't want to go to the hospital, thinking of the money. Maybe I waited too long. I avoided sepsis at least and was not admitted though they almost admitted me. They put me under the care of my house call doctors and put me on antibiotics. There were no kidney stones, it was the kidney infection. The hospital staff did treat me well.
The reason I got sick, was the stress. Also, the climate in my northern state, seems to be akin to Florida's now. It is always hot and humid. Sometimes I think we should move north, but who wants to move away from their few friends? There's less medical care too in the northern areas. Our air conditioner broke and was leaking, they replaced it, but I was getting hot constantly. The AC spewed out a little cold air, but I don't think was removing any humidity. At this weight, it is dangerous to be hot too often.
We were selling ebay and I was helping him. Today I'm putting up some old zines, maybe its only 4 dollars, but it will get me a head of lettuce or some food. Inflation has made my disability check basically worthless. It is keeping the roof over our heads and paying the now overinflated electric bill, 200 a month, and that's it. I don't have anything left. He's doing transcription but now the transcription company is cutting work and that's scary. He had to do surveys for us to eat a few dinners.
There's nowhere to go in this town. I live in a wealthier area next to one of the worse ghetto areas in the state. There's no studio apartments in this town. It's weird. They basically in the last few years have driven off all the working class and poorer people as they have gentrified this place to death. So we have the pressure of having to start over. We have been waiting for that housing list for subsidized housing but now I fear things are going to collapse before then.
This has been my life among some liberals who have told me the economy is doing great!
I hate how my life has turned out. It seems no matter what I have done, it just went bad. The world will tell you, that you lack discipline, its your fault. I was told in the church world my life went badly because I lacked faith and that didn't do many wonders for sustaining that faith. Most poor people in America are forced out of churches. You can't afford tithes, dues, activities and meals for the potluck. I wish there were churches for poor people, it would be nice to share goods and resources that way. My one decent Christian church, in my old working class town, we had a food closet church members could use when they became broke. That was a good idea. If I do church again, I will only go to a church full of other poor people. Maybe it will be more like that again.
Later on I got a second UTI and now am sick again wondering if I am going to survive or not. So that's three. My doctor thinks it's the same one coming back, they did urine scans that say it is the same bacteria-- some type of pneumonia. All this stress is not helping my health.
Four different friends helped us this month. Thank you to those friends. One friend kept me from going down to the bad side of town with a cardboard sign.
I just do not know what to do. I feel stuck in a maze paralyzed. One needs money to move. We don't want to move twice. A friend already has promised to help us move to the subsidized place. I don't know where the "bad" areas are in all towns. The town my subsidized apartment is in, even the cheapest apartment there is 900 a month, another town near by you can get 400 square feet for 750-800 dollars, but when what do I do with all my stuff? Storage costs would take any money I save. We already have sold off or are selling off everything but the kitchen sink. We will never have money to replace things.
Most standard apartments are around 1100-1400 dollars. I pay 1200 here. My check cut by the government by almost 200 dollars is now around 1300. Do the math, of how screwed I am. His money is only adding up to around 1200-1400 a month. Medical bills and other expenditures add more costs to our lives. We can't afford the basics anymore.
Welfare is laughable, if your subsistence survival level is over their cut-offs and you need to sell stuff on ebay to constantly survive or do surveys like he does for 50-100 dollars, or to go to friends for help then that is held against you. They offer almost nothing to a person. Republicans will grouse about those living high off the hog on EBT but the last time we were on EBT even during far easier days, we only got 16 dollars a month. It was cut to nothing by then. No one knows this but welfare was defacto cut off down massively this year. They are using 2019 money numbers and have not taken the 40-50% increase in the cost of living into account. We may need to go on for Medicaid soon but this is all stressful.
Four different friends helped us this month. Thank you to those friends. One friend kept me from going down to the bad side of town with a cardboard sign.
I just do not know what to do. I feel stuck in a maze paralyzed. One needs money to move. We don't want to move twice. A friend already has promised to help us move to the subsidized place. I don't know where the "bad" areas are in all towns. The town my subsidized apartment is in, even the cheapest apartment there is 900 a month, another town near by you can get 400 square feet for 750-800 dollars, but when what do I do with all my stuff? Storage costs would take any money I save. We already have sold off or are selling off everything but the kitchen sink. We will never have money to replace things.
Most standard apartments are around 1100-1400 dollars. I pay 1200 here. My check cut by the government by almost 200 dollars is now around 1300. Do the math, of how screwed I am. His money is only adding up to around 1200-1400 a month. Medical bills and other expenditures add more costs to our lives. We can't afford the basics anymore.
Welfare is laughable, if your subsistence survival level is over their cut-offs and you need to sell stuff on ebay to constantly survive or do surveys like he does for 50-100 dollars, or to go to friends for help then that is held against you. They offer almost nothing to a person. Republicans will grouse about those living high off the hog on EBT but the last time we were on EBT even during far easier days, we only got 16 dollars a month. It was cut to nothing by then. No one knows this but welfare was defacto cut off down massively this year. They are using 2019 money numbers and have not taken the 40-50% increase in the cost of living into account. We may need to go on for Medicaid soon but this is all stressful.
Social workers never have any mercy for us though. Maybe they are overwhelmed and think well you two don't have an eviction notice so back of the line you go. When I sought help for the electric bill, they wanted you to be in a cut-off already. The way things work, they wait until you crash and burn and then scrape the pieces off the sidewalk. I made a payment plan with the electric bill, I got two months left on it but then more too big bills will come. They don't care about us. They give laughable-cut offs for any program where if you were under them, you'd be homeless and unable to eat at all. All they do is weed people out. Maybe it's the raving drug addicted or single mothers who get the help. It's certainly not me.
Get this, I found this local program for husband for unemployed seniors, and he called and even there, they told us "we make too much" and he is considered "employed" even with just some online transcription at 150 a week, and 400 a month or so in newspaper articles. This is the kind of craziness, we have dealt with. I think he should call them again, we probably are under the cut-off now, and insist they take a look at him.
Some people on reddit, said the remote world is dying from AI, and he's already noticing transcription is going in the hole. Don't major in journalism you'll be poor. I sometimes shouldn't post so much about poverty on reddit, some people are in the same hole, but some are judgmental jerks. They always got jobs.
Get this, I found this local program for husband for unemployed seniors, and he called and even there, they told us "we make too much" and he is considered "employed" even with just some online transcription at 150 a week, and 400 a month or so in newspaper articles. This is the kind of craziness, we have dealt with. I think he should call them again, we probably are under the cut-off now, and insist they take a look at him.
Some people on reddit, said the remote world is dying from AI, and he's already noticing transcription is going in the hole. Don't major in journalism you'll be poor. I sometimes shouldn't post so much about poverty on reddit, some people are in the same hole, but some are judgmental jerks. They always got jobs.
He's so burned out from these money problems. He really was disabled back in 2009 due to vascular and other disorders but Social Security said because of his newspaper history, he could do sit down work and we transferred him into transcription and work from home stuff. He had my caretaking to think of too. And now that's dying. How screwed are we? COMPLETELY.
Sometimes I wonder why people don't help with jobs? If a church sees you sinking into extreme poverty, and they have high level professional jobs, isn't there a mail room or other job popping up in their world? Shouldn't they help someone? I never saw a church help with a job. Always wondered about that. They lose your dues when you go into extreme poverty. This applies to both the conservative and liberal church world. Maybe he's too autistic or something but age discrimination seemed to kick in around age 45. I can't solve it anymore.
He's dedicated to business as usual where I probably would have already sold everything and left. We have to cut off even the most stripped down cable in about week, which means I'm back to having absolutely no TV. A friend got me a firestick but the TV may be too old for it to hooked up. I am trying to talk him into cutting off the long distance land line he says he "needs for work". There's too much overhead and not enough pay back.
Why aren't there boarding houses anymore by the way? Its like they've set everything up to destroy the poor. Some small towns, I could survive in a lot easier. I wish I could move to this one very remote town, it does have a Dial a Ride and a hospital but all specialists are 30-40 miles away and I see a lot of specialists. I like this town and the people are nice, but it's very remote. All my saved money would go into gas and transportation and what if the car breaks down? I need regular CT scans now and ultra-sounds. So is my choice to live in a burned out ghetto, impersonal expensive area urban or in a nice friendly small town, without any specialists? How did poor people become so alone and without community in America?
Its like I'm banging my head on the wall and nothing ever changes. Whatever it takes to make it, I lack. He worked hard too but we ended up as ruined as anyone can be without being homeless. It ruined everything, my church life, faith, health--can't afford food and mental health.
We have about another year to go before he can go on Social Security and he will need to even supplement that.
Sometimes I wonder why people don't help with jobs? If a church sees you sinking into extreme poverty, and they have high level professional jobs, isn't there a mail room or other job popping up in their world? Shouldn't they help someone? I never saw a church help with a job. Always wondered about that. They lose your dues when you go into extreme poverty. This applies to both the conservative and liberal church world. Maybe he's too autistic or something but age discrimination seemed to kick in around age 45. I can't solve it anymore.
He's dedicated to business as usual where I probably would have already sold everything and left. We have to cut off even the most stripped down cable in about week, which means I'm back to having absolutely no TV. A friend got me a firestick but the TV may be too old for it to hooked up. I am trying to talk him into cutting off the long distance land line he says he "needs for work". There's too much overhead and not enough pay back.
Why aren't there boarding houses anymore by the way? Its like they've set everything up to destroy the poor. Some small towns, I could survive in a lot easier. I wish I could move to this one very remote town, it does have a Dial a Ride and a hospital but all specialists are 30-40 miles away and I see a lot of specialists. I like this town and the people are nice, but it's very remote. All my saved money would go into gas and transportation and what if the car breaks down? I need regular CT scans now and ultra-sounds. So is my choice to live in a burned out ghetto, impersonal expensive area urban or in a nice friendly small town, without any specialists? How did poor people become so alone and without community in America?
Its like I'm banging my head on the wall and nothing ever changes. Whatever it takes to make it, I lack. He worked hard too but we ended up as ruined as anyone can be without being homeless. It ruined everything, my church life, faith, health--can't afford food and mental health.
We have about another year to go before he can go on Social Security and he will need to even supplement that.
Sometimes I do ask "Why did I have to be a throwaway person?" Why did he have to be one too? Is it the autism? He was good at the newspaper work and articles he writes now, I sent some links to online friends to prove he can do work while we are slammed into extreme poverty. Sometimes I do question what role my family played in this life destruction. None of them ever went without a job. None of them ever went without a dollar they wanted. I'm not around to know but from my previous experience, none of them ever lost jobs or went without money.
Applying for jobs online, you don't even talk to humans. He told me one day, "I feel like the robots are weeding me out!" I tried to take a picture for his ID to apply for one job with my phone, and it didn't go through. They wouldn't help him either. "Sucks to be you!" is the whole attitude.
More and more people are doing bad now. The middle class is getting squashed. I complain online but don't say much IRL, because even the people with money now are having it vacuumed out. Except for the very rich, everyone's lifestyle is diminishing. Everything is skyrocketing in cost. Life is failing to "work" for the majority now. I am in shock there has not been peaceful protests at grocery stores in poor towns especially for the corporates. Maybe there has been and they are keeping it out of the news. Some states are reporting everything is being put behind glass there's so many thefts, but all the burgeoning poverty where people can't afford anything is probably helping that happen.
Sometimes I think just practice stoicism. I already went through extreme poverty trauma, and most long time readers of this blog, know how very extreme it was. There's a point where you stop caring. I make jokes now well if I am in the streets at least I won't have to worry about these damn bills. Cry, scream, sell stuff--I sold off every piece of silver in the house even taking the guy an old spoon, it doesn't change. The last two times, it crashed and burned I was crying. Now I am kind of numb.
You feel more lost of a family when poor like this, you have thoughts like, "If I had a decent family, I could go live with them and take a breather, and wait for my apartment!" It's easier to be poor with a decent family than without one. I'm glad we have the friends we do though. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have good friends.
Every day I ask, "Why did I have to be a throw-away person?" Well there's probably millions of us now. The economy sucks and is an utter joke. America is a sad country. This place is horrible. I saw a quote on twitter that says "America has a heart of steel" with a picture of the Statue of Liberty above it. That about explains it. I wish I had joined the Hutterites, or the convent, or the commune when young.
The American empire is dying, maybe some of us are canaries in the coalmine. I do wonder why the American people are okay with the constant crushing. Don't they see the quality of their lives being destroyed day by day? First Covid ruining our lives and now this, it's unforgiveable.
The American empire is dying, maybe some of us are canaries in the coalmine. I do wonder why the American people are okay with the constant crushing. Don't they see the quality of their lives being destroyed day by day? First Covid ruining our lives and now this, it's unforgiveable.
