Life Lately: Late Summer 2019

                                                art by me, some elder goths may recognize who this is....

Life has been humming along lately.

I still go to the gym and can do 20 minutes of the arm bicycler now. I like doing this new rope pulling exercise. I do hope to do more leg exercises on one machine. There haven't been any weight loss miracles, I did get a bit smaller on top but I believe the gym did help my lungs. We also need to go more times a week, I try for two when not housebound. Sometimes I enjoy exercise now, that is something new. Balancing the energy is not easy, definitely I'm one of the slowest people in there. Some of us have to work with what we got. Young people should be introduced to exercise in a positive way so it can remain a good influence on their life. Maybe the effects are not magic, but if I am still going a year later and like it, that means something. I couldn't even do more then 4 minutes on the arm bicycler when I started.

I'm planning to do another art class, it will be more painting or conceptual art. I also did some art work for a zine recently with husband and worked on those projects. There's been more drawing in my sketchbook.  I plan to do more water colors.

They told me I am going more deaf. My Meniere's has been progressing. My hearing always has fluctuated to be worse, when I have been sick but it's been a slow downward progress. My word recognition went down by 50 percent within a few years.  This has not been easy to deal with. I lost so much hearing, they ordered another hearing test in 6 months. So some of my health stuff does remain scary.  My life still has a lot of medical stuff to be dealt with.

There's blood tests to be done for the UCTD, I had a tooth die I had to get taken out. The thrush comes to knock on the door still and the chronic fatigue is not easy. The pain can stink. I am in bed now. Well a person can only do what they can. The going deaf stuff scares me, a cochlear implant is not possible due to other health stuff but I am researching what are the options for more powerful hearing aids. Sometimes it's frustrating because hearing issues can make life so isolating. One does not want to lose music and other things.

I am trying to live life, and went to a large stamp club yesterday for the first time with a friend, that was fun. It was stamp collector's heaven as they auctioned off stamp albums, bags of stamps and post cards. I limited my spending so there would be food money later in the week, but it was a fun time.

A couple of years ago, I did get involved in the "ex-evangelical" movement, probably around the time of my deconversion. I was able to help a lot of people who were facing the same things I was with coming out of conservative and fundamentalist churches. I made some interesting online friends who were very supportive. One thing we do work on is warning others about the dangerous of extremist religion and the emotional outcomes of spiritual abuse and "high control" churches and religions.

I've been enjoying my UU church a lot. They are great people and wonderful to be around and they have been a very good influence on my life and way of being. The place changed my life so much for the better. When I was young I enjoyed my UU years in ways I had forgotten but many good memories came back too with the intellectual explorations and other sharing. At the present I've been working on projects with them too. I was happy to see neurodiversity advanced there, and to be able to share life with Aspergers and what that means. I think educating people on these things does bring more understanding. This is a place I have felt safe and happy at and that has changed my life in many positive ways.

"How the Alt-Right is Warping The US Imagination"

I read this book last week. It's a good book, but after you read it, you feel this uneasy scared feeling. I kept thinking about the insanity of what led up to World War II, and how humanity keeps making the same stupid and evil mistakes. The march of right wing jerks from Boris Johnson in the UK, to "Mr. Burn Down the Amazon" Bolsonaro makes me wonder if Trump is installing puppets world-wide. Whose voting for these people? Are there that many rich sociopathic people out there?

I see 2020 as make it or break it time. We either get Bernie or Warren, I prefer Bernie and march on to something known as progress and facing global warming and other planetary issues head on or we get Trump and more fascism and hell. One can tell the right wing is impacting the globe in very insidious ways where instead of humanity working together to solve problems, the lines are being drawn, and the same eugenic bullshit that took over the world in the 1920s and 1930s is being resold and repackaged.  This time we aren't just gambling with World War but environmental devastation.

I'm hoping the reasonable people will win, and people are waking up from the extreme racism, cruelty--such as kids in camps and we will see a brighter future. This book exposes a lot of the problem though, the growing alt-right movement has brought a lot of pain and insanity to our country. The uber-racists have come out of the closet and feel safe to do their evils with no censure.

This is the best article I have ever seen on the alt right, which I posted here some years ago. "The Skeleton Key to the Alt Right" sums up what the movement was all about.  During my years in fundamentalism, I was exposed to a lot of the alt right. While I refused the racism and some of the worse of it, just being in those churches I was swimming in the alt-right pools. They focused on an idyllic past that never existed. and taught that women should obey and that "father [god and man] knows best".  The subjugation of women also remains one of their central platforms along with the rejection of everyone who is not middle class plus and white.

Reading this book scared me though, the parallels with Nazi Germany could not be ignored. People forget Nazism was a YOUNG movement at it's start and got the people to march for fascism and the "motherland" and did so via the Hitler Youth and indoctrinating them too into "god" and "country". "God and Country" are two central themes the United States alt-right which is religion fueled. People who would have been written off as crazy racist extremists just 20 years ago have gotten a platform in America.

Don't forget economic problems fueled the Nazis in Germany and are fueling the alt-right here though oddly the poor conservatives vote for more of their own demise, as they are trained to worship the ultra rich, as being their "betters". The same formula of reaching out to economic disenfranchised people by telling them to blame the "undesirables" has been done before.  The same eugenic themes are touted, I have noticed, with the same extreme racism in both movements, though the USA flavored Alt-right focuses on African Americans and Hispanic people negatively rather then Jews in Germany. This is one reason that America is now locking up little Hispanic kids in cages and nothing is being done about it.  Hitler focused on ousted all the "degenerates" and used terms like that for people of other races and religions and oppressed gay people too.

It's is obvious that the alt-right has scapegoated other races in America and promised it's white dupes a 1950s [well a 1950s Utopia that never was] to sell their oppression. Where every family could live like "Leave it to Beaver" with a housewife in heels and pearls and a father with a good job wearing his suit everyday, giving out his daily doses of morality and wisdom with an obedient wife and children. The anti-intellectualism and hatred for science is also a problem, but this is also a foundational point for religious driven right wing movements that have taken over before. They always kick out the "intellectuals" and silence any dissenters.

If this movement keeps growing and Trump gets another 4 years, we are going to see more trouble and hell unleashed in this country. I have noticed the "might makes right" misogynic clan, are very alike on their lack of empathy or care for other human beings. It's scary. In 2017, Charlottesville was the warning shot but it seems things just get worse and worse. I live in a conservative enough area to see the Proud Boy flags and insignia and MAGA bumper stickers on cars. Those are people I know to stay away from.

One thing too, we are not in the days where one can "compromise" in the mistaken belief that these brands of Republican and/or libertarian extremists are harmless people, they preach oppression against multiple groups from other races to immigrants, gay and disabled people. They are a danger to us all. Sadly history repeats itself all too readily.

In my old small town, due to it's rural place and religiosity, the place was alt-right headquarters where bibles ruled and homeschooling prevailed. They bought into more and more of the teachings of the alt-right, even people who once renounced racism as disgusting, now posted Confederate flags on their Facebook walls. I want to cry even remembering the alt-right sermons I heard in my then fundie and evangelical churches which to be frank are dominionist homes to the alt right gospel. They preached that pluralism was "bad", that "multiculturalism is bad"--the "West is best" sums that up which is now a logo saying for the Proud Boys. Peaceful society is in danger from this movement.

Were You Your Family's Scapegoat?

Good video introducing people to the basics.

Losing Friends to Stage 4 Lipedema

I've lost two online friends in the last couple of years I met in the Lipedema world online. One died a few weeks ago. Both were very active in the Lipedema world, getting the news out, doing videos, reports, and being a support to women with Lipedema. Their health caused them extreme difficulties. Both died of Lipedema related conditions and were very young, with one who was only in her mid-30s and another in their mid 50s. Many don't take the dangers seriously of stage IV Lipedema. These two friends moved heaven and earth to take care of themselves, that is one thing that stood out about them. They were wonderful advocates for OTHERS but also advocates for THEMSELVES.

One even traveled to another country to get special liposuction surgeries. Another found specialists some years later in the USA. They did their compression, sought treated and exercised but Lipedema stage IV/Lipo-lymphedema marched on. Many see this Lipedema as something weight loss would cure. If only they would 'go on a diet" and there's even people within the Lipedema community that ignore the fact that in the higher stages, years of untreated Lipedema isn't going to go away. Lose what you can, but many people in higher stages are judged over their weight. In my case I did continue, with the gym and while I wish I was able to get over there more days of the week, the spoons with chronic fatigue are limited. I lost a little weight, but it was nominal. I don't know where my weight is now but don't think I have gained, I can tell by my walking. I did shrink some on top, but that's happened before. Both these friends put in every effort they could to stay to protect their health, but were supersized like me.

I feel very sad about it all and have cried over both. They both fought so hard. Sometimes this world is too difficult, and I get strange thoughts about why were us humans put on this earth, to suffer so much like it's an experiment of a mad man. This is one condition where the suffering is too much. These were two folks who showed bravery and grit in the face of unrelenting health challenges. They were an example to many people. Their activism work helped so many of us.

I almost died of Lipedema in my 20s and 30s, I didn't know it was Lipedema causing all those horrific leg infections. One friend was lost to sepsis. Sepsis is the danger for all people with Lipedema in higher stages.

You get cellulitis and then it transitions into blood poisoning. In 2001, I almost died, this was the crisis that led to my later religiosity and other dubious decisions in life but I had sepsis several times before in the 1990s. These were two-three week hospital stays. My life now is impacted by all this where staying alive means laying down for hours a day and assessing how one leg is close to an infection or not. Doctors don't realize my excellent compliance to wrapping, compression and my leg press is ruled by fear and also wanting to be free from pain.

These friends did everything they could too. This is a merciless disease. Sadly it's impacts are diminished via prejudice, and some sexism, just seen as a "fat woman's disease" that "diets will cure" but people are losing their lives to it. My two friends did.

Truth comes First

My religions told me to be good, well both religions I departed from, the family Catholic church and later the evangelical church. I was told the falsehood that "being good" would make life successful when all it did was make me a doormat. Many people fall into this trap. Yes truth is more important to me now, then the "goodness" defined by this world. There's a point where a woman grows up beyond "Be a good girl" and starts getting invested into truth and realizing the myths and lies she was taught on multiple levels.

Neurodiversity

 

This is a speech I did on neurodiversity at my UU church, so it's written a little bit different. The more people can be educated about Aspergers, the better off we all will be. I did make the decision to come out as an Aspie but had already been doing that in my community in certain safe places for years like my disability group and past self help group. I am also out of the Aspie closet on Facebook.

The world of high functioning autism or what used to be known as Aspergers before the DMS changed the diagnosis to just being on the autistic spectrum is a very different place to be. The world has it's popular and stereotypical views of the Aspie or higher functioning person with autism. People know about famous Aspies like Dan Ackroyd and Tim Burton. They see Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, or Young Sheldon on his own spin-off show, and read about Lisbeth Salander in the book, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

When I was in my early 30s I found out I was on the spectrum, like many women with Aspergers who suffered for years with misdiagnosis, it was later figured out girls present Aspergers in a different way then boys. For me finding out about being on the spectrum, it was a place of answers and of understanding my differences.

I will be focusing on the world of those who are on the higher functioning end of the autistic spectrum. I know this is a whole other ballgame then severe autism. I used to substitute teach in special ed classrooms with autistic children who were totally non-verbal. Aspergers is by far a a more mild version on the spectrum where one is verbal but has problems with social cues, and communication. For many Aspies, while we have challenges, we also know it can bring gifts, Aspergers is basically having a different brain operating system.

The world has the popular view of the Aspie or higher functioning autistic, Some imagine Aspies in a certain way but don't understand the whole picture. One challenge for advancing neurodiversity is reaching across this gap.

I asked my fellow friends and acquaintances with Aspergers and those on the autistic spectrum for this reading: "In the interest of neurodiversity, what would you like those who are neurotypical to know about you for understanding and acceptance?" These answers will also reflect bits from conversations I've had over the years as well with Aspie friends and other sources:

1. First and foremost, neurodiversity doesn't "look" or "act" a certain way. Many people with autism and other neurological differences can "pass" as neurotypical. There are many successful people on the higher functioning end of autism and this includes college professors, teachers, writers, actors, artists and other professions.

2. Many Aspies have talents, and these include having deep hyper focus, observation skills, attention to detail and visual skills such as what Temple Grandin detailed in her movie and book. "Thinking in Pictures". 

3. It is a lie that people with autism have no empathy. We have a harder time showing it and often it will show it differently, but often people on the spectrum can even have higher levels of empathy
We just have a harder time showing it in ways that neurotypicals can understand but the feelings are there. We are not robots. We suffer from the stereotype that all Aspie people are like Spock with no emotions and only following logic but remember even Spock was a very loyal friend to Captain Kirk.
Many of us may seem insensitive because we do not respond to difficult situations the same way neurotypicals do. In fact, many of us are extremely sensitive and sometimes in a state of shock, unable to react at all.

4. Please do not tell us if we are higher functioning and able to be employed or talk to people that we are not on the spectrum or that "we do not look autistic" or make jokes about “Ass-bergers” or using this condition as an excuse. Please listen and do not say things like "I have that too" or "I get like that too". These statements can be invalidating. When I feel like people won't understand or believe me, I shut down.

4. We have sensory issues, which are intense. Loud sounds, bright lights, annoying smells, feel painful to us. They may not bother you at all but for us they can be a problem. Some of us have auditory and visual processing disorders that affect our senses as well. Be sensitive to sensory needs we may have.

Increased anxiety and PTSD tend to be more common in the neurodiverse and require the same level of understanding as anyone else with these conditions.

5. Neurotypicals often communicate via subtext and inferences. [They often don't mean what they say] There's no subtext in my words. To survive in the world I am conditioned to search for subtext incessantly. It makes me paranoid at times. I super-dig talking to autistics because I can rest a little.

6. We have Spiky skills profiles: it's very important to recognize the strengths of autistic and other neurodivergent people, but at least as important to recognize the difficulties. Some of us can do math problems in our head or wonderful art projects but then find it hard to get the housework done or our stuff organized. Please respect our gifts and don't deny our opportunities to share them. Autism is {depending on the individual and their circumstances} a disability, and that's okay, we do need adjustments, as well as acceptance, if we are going to thrive.  

7. We can get very pedantic about a subject we like. We can bore neurotypicals going into great detail about areas of interests. Most people on the higher end of the spectrum, have very passionate interests that bring a lot of joy to our lives. Some can turn those into their livelihoods but this talking too deeply about one topic can upset and bore some neurotypical people sometimes. Being analytical for us is a natural state of being.

8. Eye contact can be hard, please don’t force us to look at you

9. Being what is considered unusual/ quirky/atypical often negatively affects mental health. People don't understand us and can judge us rather harshly and this takes a toll.

10. It can sometimes really help to consciously explain to us some things that others just seem to "get."

11. Realize therapies and cures to suppress autistics characteristics can be harmful. We don't need cured or for others to be aware of us. What we need is for people to seek to understand us and why we do what we do. People who focus on cures and making autistic people conform, forget that our differences have brought much innovation, creativity and scientific and other discoveries to the world.

12. Aspies want relationships and friends same as everyone else. Some of us may be more comfortable with one on one interactions or texting rather then using the telephone.

13. I conform as much as I have to, to get by in the world, but I also live in my own quirky non-conforming world. If I am weird around you, it's because I am comfortable.

13. Not all Aspies are good at math, science and computers, some are of course but not all of us.

14. Having autism is like having too many tabs open on a computer.

I hope this list can help in understanding people on the higher functioning side of autism and to bring more understanding and acceptance in the interest in neurodiversity.

Christian Gaslighting At It's Finest

Let's compare this meme I loathe which I saw all over Facebook, now, with another one...

Dear Yahweh, why did you give me a brain if you didn't want me to use it?

So wonder me and Yahweh parted ways, narcissists never wanted me to use my brain too and tried to practice various methods of "thought control" to get me to shut down the screaming intuition and intellect inside. I don't believe in the existence of a Big Brother god watching my thoughts for various modes of "thought crime" but this is a place where I think religion has served the powers that be. How else do you do this but shut down people's emotions and thoughts?

One odd thought I have about Jesus at times, is here was a guy who broke the "rules" enough to arrested and be crucified, and then his followers today teach absolute obedience and authoritarianism as the highest good. Weird huh? I have discussed with some people, if Jesus existed, how much was added to his teachings later in the interest of empire and control? When you see evangelical Christians support Trump in his racism and xenophobia, obedience to the "strong man" or "daddy" is running that show.

Verse like this one read differently to me now. When someone tells you to "shut down" your thoughts that worries me.

2: Cor. 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Can one have a real relationship with someone when they just want you to basically shut up and shut your mind off, and obey?

Religion has a huge mind control elements in it's toxic forms, and one main part of this is getting you to deny your own feelings, intuition and questioning your own thoughts. This is how cults shut down all thinking. How else do they get people to wear pajamas for daily wear or believe a UFO is going to whisk them away to a better place?  If someone was to ask me what my least favorite verse in the bible is now,  Proverbs 3:5 "do not lean on your own understanding" is first among them.

I've read where some people have said Christianity is a religion that has separated people from the "Source" and real divinity, and this is why it is so insistent on shutting down our feelings, emotions and thoughts.  It has divided us from a world we are a part of. It is an interesting theory. The break down of conscience and self in Christianity leads to cognitive dissonance and people being separated from their "inner man".

 Christians are always led to practice thought control on themselves. I did it to keep going as a "good Christian".  I have been given this picture of a "decent Christian woman" and spent years just learning to repress myself to fit this mold. Doubts would arise and even questioning compassion when I was to treat people as "others" or judge on wickedness. I knew I was failing to conform, and I spent years in this trap of trying to make myself become a person I really was not. This can make me cry about those years and how self suppression had been taught to me by Christianity.

This is the same process I underwent in my ACON abuse. I was told time and time again, I was deficient, and broken, and that I needed to become someone else to be accepted and loved. I was "not enough". In my family's case that would have meant no longer being autistic, or poor or fat. I held out for too many years taking their abuse and refusals to love me, hoping one day I could achieve a modicum of success to be a person they would love and accept. The overlaps with Christianity here do not escape my notice. My deconversion rested on the very fact, that the same messages came to me from my abusers as from the religion I was in. My abusers even maintained a degree of thought control, too just like religion, telling me various thoughts, and doubts were WRONG.

One main problem with Christianity is that it teaches us to believe in a torturing God, that wants to hurt us [in hell] for listening to our own thoughts! Think about that. We end up being forced to give our power and become victims. We are beaten down and told we are "worthless" without Jesus. We are emotionally and otherwise abused. We also are told we are not good people in ourselves. We are broken and we must become "new creatures" in Christ, and when we are born again, we are to have our personalities and minds replaced to a degree. Think about the message of that. You aren't good enough as you are, the person you became was not good enough, the whole message is to CHANGE or else. This is not a world of unconditional acceptance or love but a world of conformity.

Think about how often religion tells people to submit and especially women and children to OBEY. This definitely is a system of dominance and deception. One irony of the Bible is it tells people to seek for truth. What if you examine your religion and find that it is full of lies? If I die, and end up at some doorway to hell with a condemning God. I would confront it and say, "but you told me to seek after truth and now you contradict yourself."

For those of us who were within narcissistic families, we were told over and over not to trust our own minds and that we are always wrong. We were told not to listen to our own brains that were screaming inside, "This is very wrong!" It has occurred to me that Christianity has given the same message. "The heart is deceitful, don't trust your own mind, don't trust your own thoughts". Where does this lead a person but to be controlled by others?

My entire life I was taught to suppress my own thoughts and emotions. How many of us have our health ruined by having everything stuffed inside and being unable to be our authentic selves? Religion often denies this authenticity. Christianity really pushes this, everything is about "controlling" emotions and "fitting-in" and "obedience". One of the main rituals of Christianity, baptism makes it clear, that we are "defective" and "dirty" before being "washed in Christ's blood".  What does this do but give all our power away and ensure a weakness inside where one thinks they are "never good enough" just like our narcissistic families taught us to be? Toxic Christianity and Narcissistic scapegoating families are joined together in a dance of disempowerment.

In the meme, the thin feminine young woman in her blue sweater stands in a dark room with God's Word providing it's own flashlight. Her hair is over her eye. She is told not to listen to her own brain and that God knows all. She stands in a library which represents a depository of knowledge but the lights are turned off.  The perfectionism of God, to me was one tool used for gaslighting too. Beyond the issue of a perfect being expecting his imperfect creation to measure up to his standards which are impossible for the majority, there's the issue that next to perfect, whenever something goes wrong, everything will be your fault. God can do no wrong but everything you do will be wrong compared to him.There's no winning in that system. No appeals. For all the mercy Christianity spoke of, I saw very little. There's no mercy for those kids at the border. There's no mercy for the fallen away who are supposed to get the lowest level of hell for doubting it all.

1. "You've stopped trusting in your own judgments..."

When a person it told to stop trusting in their own judgment, [#1 on the second gaslighting list meme] that is something that the toxic personalities brainwash people in, "We know better, We know you better then you know yourself." Shutting off one's own judgment, leaves one very vulnerable to predators. How many are shutting off conscience now to vote for evildoers?

2. "You are afraid of speak up or expressing how you feel...."

 With #2, silence was a given. For all the claims of a would be relationship with the Lord, one was supposed to sit there and take it, and not argue. Arguing and thinking were sins. Once I was told in one church, that just being a woman, made me more likely to be led astray by my own brain. Think about that one. That preacher told us women were too emotional to make good judgements. This is why we were to be silent in the churches and we were never to preach to men, just other women and children. It shocks me I sat there listening to that nonsense and did not walk out. I heard different forms of that even in Catholicism where we were given these same reasonings as why only men could be priests.

3. "You feel as though you are going crazy and that there is something wrong with you....."

Here with #3, in Christianity the focus is that there is something wrong with you, in fact a lot is wrong with you and you are a wretched sinner. Outside of a few very liberal churches, this is the main point, you must be saved from what God will do to you for being so "wrong" and essentially from yourself. [your "flesh" in the bible]. Some branches of Christianity like Calvinism teach that human beings are fundamentally DEPRAVED.

4. "You always second guess details...."

Christianity can keep one bamboozled under endless bible studies, memorizations, and debates on doctrine. In fundamentalism, getting one doctrine wrong, was enough to be told the hot place was waiting for you. There are apologetics, arguing how many angels can dance on a pin, or when will the last days finally come for the thinking Christians. These are distractions for adults. 

"5. You feel the need to apologize all the time...."

This is expected and demanded in Christianity all the time. We were expected to be SORRY all the time. In fact even when I was born again, being sorry for being a rotten sinner was the main impetus for bowing before God and turning to his will. Can one really be close with someone they are always apologizing too?  The Catholic churches and many mainline liturgical churches have their apologies scripted into rituals of confession. For the Christian fundamentalist, we were to apologize to God, for everything from watching demon TV to drinking a beer to uttering one cuss word. God sure did seem upset by a lot. Which brings in the idea of having to walk on eggshells, a fact of life for most abuse victims. 

6. "You frequently feel confused...."

My brain felt like a stew pot, all the time, stirred with a fast spoon. Reality was always bumping up against the religious things I had been taught. I would literally make excuses for God and Christians trying to fit everything into a narrow mold. The world often made less sense through Christian rose colored glass ideals.

The gaslighting in Christianity is extensive..... when I recovered from my abuse, I couldn't ignore the overlaps with religion and how religion gave me the same messages as abusers. I had lost contact with myself which I am still working on finding now. I wanted there to be a god who was loving and kind but I had to face my disappointment. None of this was real. There was no one there. I got nothing but silence. Does anyone who is still in, figure out that those of us who deconverted tried but the "god" didn't hold up it's end of the bargain?

And this overlaps too with the abuse process as well, some of us tried and tried for years. We tried to win the love from people who had no capacity for it and simply did not love us. We were too "wrong', well the same goes in religion. How many feel the disappointment for years and remain within? I doubted Christianity by 2007, only 5 years after my conversion in but hung on out of guilt, and gaslighting same as I did too long with abusers.

We are told we must be perfect but we were made imperfect to start with.  We are told God loves us unconditionally but then are handed a long list of conditions. We are told someone has to die in our place a hideous horrible bloody death to be made worthy of anything but eternal suffering and fire. We are told Christianity will make us free, but then are told we must be worthy servants and slaves to Christ. We are told all our requests in prayer will be answered but then told maybe the answer is No and to not put God to the test. We are told to have a personal relationship with an entity who never looks on us as an individual and only gives back silence. Our emotions are played with our imaginations, telling us, that this Being truly LOVES us, but we are all subject to hideous medical suffering or the possibility of death or the pain of losing loved ones.

Ask yourself is this about any love or truth or is it a cage of deception and control? My experiences with severe ACON abuse, has led me to some very deep questions about religion and it's messages. Why do so many religions and the predominant one in America [Christianity] focus on our unworthiness?

What good does it do, the constant labeling of faults, does it improve goodness or does it simply bring a conquer and divide ethos to humanity? If Christianity has at it's core a scapegoat, doesn't this mean some gaslighting comes with that too? It is a victim and victimizers set up. While Jesus whether he truly existed or not,  had some decent messages about love your neighbor, and caring for the poor and sick, I think about what religion became with the passage of centuries. It became more of a power system, to build empire and keep people suppressed. We are in dangerous times now where Christianity is now serving as a vehicle of totalitarianism in America and where humanity could be facing extinction to a rapidly heating up earth, but instead of facing reality, we are being gaslighted by the majority of Christianity. Having our realities denied. Told to ignore things that are happening. Told Trump is a loving man who wants to make America better.

I saw this quote on the ex-Christian reddit board. I totally related to it. I can't love the Christian god. It hurt me on levels I can't even explain. It took me to the same places, that my abusers did. I no longer believe it exists.


“You know that Christian idea that God is perfect? How he’s always waiting for you and anything that goes wrong must be your fault because he can do no wrong and it’s all about you having to come to him and meet his perfection?”

I nodded.

“That’s called gaslighting.”

That was the moment that really defined me as an atheist. When I saw that the Christian God I had been begging to save me was at best nonexistent, and at worst a horrific abuser.

 ACON healing led to my deconversion, but there's new discoveries I am confronting like this one, religion gaslighted my mind as much as my narcissistic parents did. I was told not to trust my intuition. Intuition keeps us safe in this brutal world. It warns us when things are wrong. It tells us not to give evildoers the benefit of the doubt and to flee, but sadly this religion says "Don't trust your own thoughts." How is one supposed to even stand up for themselves when they have been indoctrinated into their own mind, brain, and intuition supposedly failing them?


Religion can drive one to madness, because some of them focus on telling you that you must fix yourself over and over, and then they put up more hoops for you to jump through. Some get tired of being told how they "ought" to be, and how they don't measure up. Why did humanity create a God that was so impossible to please? There must be religions out there, where they worship gods or "divinity" that do not expect perfection or force the acceptance of an offer of perfection. I always thought perfectionists were rather abusive. The demanded perfectionism is part of the gaslighting process as well. 

Religions gain power confusing and gaslighting their victims.