Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Staying Away From Toxic People


What if the toxic people are your relatives? I have realized while I have been ostracized, and put down and mocked, that the doing was not my own. See this article and this one too.  Sometimes personality disordered people will scapegoat a child and then a grown adult person who usually tends to be the more sensitive, "feeling" or vulnerable in the bunch, and malign them behind the scenes. Let's just say artists weren't the norm in my family. Respect disappears and love is a fore-gone long gone conclusion. I am working now to stay away from people who are disrespectful and unhealthy for me and maybe this is why I have been staying home from the few large family events I've been invited to besides the usual money and other problems in getting there and keeping the most minimal contact with others.

The other day, I had a cousin mock me on Facebook for sincerely held beliefs, it's scary when the poison infuses so much through the family system. Even if you challenge someone like that, they will call you "paranoid" or will gaslight you as they spend time insulting you. After all they saw others do it for years when you were young, until you got smart and old enough to start defending yourself. One can end overt abuse which I managed in my 20s but the covert stuff is a bit different. In fact I guaranteed myself a distant place within the family system for saying "This is wrong"! One thing I saw others destroyed by their abuse, one relative has become a shell of a person who never "rebelled" like me. This is to tell you how bad it was. One aspect of my personality, I am a truth-teller and perhaps this was the crucible it was born in.

While my memories of this particular cousin are positive and of a loving person, it's like that person disappeared. He became like the others. I do believe that can happen, children learn from what they watch, but for some of us, we become something different. I do not know how to explain it. That is the best way I can explain it. It's a disappointment but there is no choice, I have to walk away. Sometimes you waste time fighting with people who will never understand and refuse to understand. At least now I am smart enough to cut it off a lot quicker!

There are many people in this world who do not care about, love or attach to others in a normal way. I had the door kicked open in understanding this, and their influence on my life, even learning online and studying about how they operate acouple years ago. It was a blessing because it lifted years of self blame. I mean what are you going to tell yourself, if  so many of your own relatives don't like you and actually hate you and or treat you badly?  What if the key word you think of is invalidation? Even if they make some appearances of civility and caring, the "mean girl" or "boy" nonsense and backstabbing never ends. You can never be vulnerable, let down your guard or make the mistake of expecting any empathy. I have realized that cousin has drank the smear-campaign Kool-Aid.

My siblings and their families are exempted here but sadly they too can influenced at times by the toxic. I love them all very much but that can get shoved behind the glass wall of the game-players and deceitful. The toxic have focused on driving every wedge possible between people. But the worse was that with these dynamics is you believe from your young days that something was wrong with you. That you are defective. This is no way to build a confident life where you can function at a good level.  And in my case add in severe health problems and other developments in life that were not of my choosing. My positive friendships, marriage and their loyalty and closeness probably saved my life even when I was in my early 20s. Even into my middle age I am having to work on healing and asking God [Psalm 68:6] where He wants me to go. This goes far beyond being a very severely overweight person, I have met and know people who are severely overweight and still loved by their relatives.

Here is the best I can do:




11 comments:

  1. Yes, sadly sometimes we have no choice but to cut out all contact with toxic family members. I have had to do this and it is painful but in order to heal we have to limit our exposure. I feel so guilty for cutting contact but I know that I did the right thing, as did you. Just tell yourself that you do deserve to be happy, tell yourself that 100 times a day until you are convinced. Hold you head up high and be proud of yourself! Narcissist's are mean, miserable, nasty people that don't deserve us.

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  2. I am definitely limiting my exposure as much as possible. This weekend the entire family almost is coming together. I decided not to go. Trust me there is no understanding for my health problems so I thought why am I going to put myself through this gauntlet? Sit there with a fake smile on my face while the boring self aggrandizing conversation floats around me? Well I'd rather go sit on a local beach and do poetry club tommorow.

    I have not been able to fully break away yet, but it may be coming. I definitely am on the low contact program now. I have definitely prayed about it. I am tired of being treated like I am "chopped liver" and a "nobody". I have realized speaking out for myself is like bouncing a rubber ball against a brick wall in a narcissistic family. Why stick around people who never "hear me" or invalidate everything I say? [in narcissistic dominant families, they are run like cults, the status quo is never to be questioned]

    I am glad you were able to cut contact, thankfully I live long distance from all parties concerned. I agree with you about narcissists, they are mean, miserable and nasty, the sad thing though is how many are fooled with the narcissist is especially cunning, they know how to turn things back on you, should you try to speak out for yourself. The entire family system revolves around one main narcissist. I am invisible to them. Even with my health problems none come to visit. Well now I have given up.I feel bad around these people anyway. In their book, I am nothing but "the loser" who got fat and didn't make money or have kids even though their poisonous DNA condemned me for life, and the traumas I endured definitely impacted my health very adversely.

    I'm done banging my head against that brick wall and you are right, I do need to tell myself I deserve to be happy and around people who will treat me right. Thanks so much Anon.

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  3. It sure sounds like we have similar lives, as I can relate to everything that you said. I have said many times how my family was ran like a cult, I am relieved to know that I am not the only one who have had to go through this. We live about 1200 miles from my toxic family because my husband is in the military and we are stationed in another state. Yes, you are right about them always turning it around on us to make it seem like they are the "victim" and we are the terrible ones. My narcissistic grandparents(who i have no contact with) goes around telling anyone who will listen what a horrible person I am for not taking to them. I have always been the scapegoat for them as was my mother so I just gave up trying to have a relationship with them. Would you be interested in chatting further, I could give you my email address? It sounds like we could be friends?

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  4. Wow it does sound like we do, yeah definitely ran like a cult, and in my case, there isn't one relative that is an ally. All are submissive to the "Borg". One dissenting thought is not allowed and if one pops up it is immediately squashed, such as what happened with the Kool-Aid drinking cousin above. I think I am seeing the horrendous damage of so many years of the talk behind my back. I also remember as a child, the scapegoats of the previous generation,they were put down 24/7 in front of me.

    Yes there are others who have gone through this as well, it's tough business. I am glad I found out about these personality disorders even at this advanced age, because it helped to lift some of the guilt and shame that was unloaded on me. I am glad you are far away. Yes even if you stand up for yourself, yes they will make themselves the "victims". Every time I have protested anything including ill treatment, the Narcs have told people and other family members I was wrong, or "angry" or "crazy". There is no true conversation with them either. I am glad you have gone NC with the narcissistic grandparents. Yes I was put in the scapegoat role too. As I have grown older, becoming close friends with people with normal families--not perfect of course, I really have come into confrontation of what I lacked and lost out on. I would be interested in emailing you. My email is on the profile of this blog. Thanks. :)

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  6. Thanks, I will write you soon. :) I may post here more today but write you later on...:)

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  7. I tried writing, had copied and pasted the email, and it did not go through, gmail said the email was invalid. Could you check that for me Blue Flame, I did want to write you. Thanks :)

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  9. Leanne I accidentally erased your last comment. Hey go ahead and write me at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com. I may get some spammers, but probably would be easiest way to get your address. Thanks.

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  10. No problem. I just sent something your way.

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