Forgive and Forget Enables Them

Don't seek revenge. That is a path to destruction. Find and rebuild a new life. Seek love and compassion but no longer be naive.

One thing I want to tell ACONs is this is possible, my life outside the major health challenges grew better and better even with the money challenges. Having the guilt and shame taken off my back, helped me so much. I've hit my second year in the UU and it's a wonderful place with great people who value kindness who have added joy to my life. Find positive people to spend your time with, people who respect and love you.  Sometimes I wonder about the forgiveness trap. So many are put in it, this dance of being told you "must forgive" or you are a terrible person. There's a discussion going on on this thread.

Some posters missed my overall point in the "Why did She Apologize to Her Serial Killer Dad?" It was not to put the daughter down. I was worried about her. I also was trying to show something insidious about our society, how people defend the abusers and the "wicked" while putting more responsibility on those they offended against.

I saw her swimming in the circles I was put in, on a far more major level, being told to forgive the ultimately wicked in her case. Every ACON knows this shame where you are told you are the "bad" one in the mix. Abused people by society are often even on a subtle level held responsible for their own abuse, even as helpless children. Want to know how many times I was called "unforgiving" for not getting back in line by various flying monkeys and narcissists? Time has ebbed down my strongest emotions, as you carry on focusing on getting a better life, it changes things. It's almost like I have been told, I must go bow before my mother, cry copious tears of shame, while shouting "I love you"  and get back in line. No doing.

Time alone blurs things out. I have changed, I am sure she hasn't. If you are gone long enough, do these people even know you anymore? They don't. I even doubt mine would recognize me if she even saw me in the street, my appearance has changed that much with age. I write about these issues for this blog, but in life now, the people I left behind have blurred, and memories are fading to be replaced by more positive memories and people.

However staying in the dance with them is the surest way to bring yourself more pain. The serial killer's daughter still has contact with her father.  If you are told over and over to "forgive and forget" that's the surest way to find yourself hurt again. The path of "I am done" and "I won't forget what this person is" is a far more positive path. You admit what they are, and you stay away! I wrote an article called "False Forgiveness is a Trap with Malignant Narcissists". I was still a Christian when I wrote this article, but even then I knew something was very wrong with the messages I had been given. Why was the onus on me to forgive, and no one ever told the abusers to get a can of "Get Right"? Why was the responsibility on my back? I am responsible for myself, and my own actions. I no longer have to bear the responsibility for the emotions and actions of those without a conscience, to stay in that game would be absurd.

If anything the shame and guilt put on ACONs to "forgive" is often very negative. Always, Always, Always the secondary message is to end your no contact and get back in line. This can happen even years and years later. Some ACONs online talk about "giving in" even 10 years into a no contact, because of these pressures. "Maybe this time things will be different" but that often is a huge mistake.

Many of us even will have had the justified anger ebb away, and have moved on to new stages, our abusers and their actions have faded in our minds and we are getting older, and parents mean far less to a person old enough to be a grandparent but who never had children of their own, and still will be told "forgiveness" is some sort of religious and societal test they must pass. Is everything forgiveable? That's a question I want to throw out. I felt odd on that serial killer article, like some people were taking up for BTK's side of things, and felt an overwhelming feeling of nausea. 

My first no contact was ended upon therapists all recommending I "forgive". Now remember these same therapists told me the abuse was severe and remember in my case there are daily reminders of what I went through via the medical neglect. Some of the therapists had been so schooled in reconciliation and forgiveness being the best path, they gave me recommendations to end my no contact. And lest people forget, I did attempt the traditional forgiveness path already, it just got me abused and hurt again.

We are in a society that overall encourages narcissism. People who are kind and loving and gentle are vilified. I often think about that when I think about how abused people are shamed and told they must "do right by their abusers", isn't that what the constant pressure to forgive is about? It's in religion and it's in the mental health field. Why does it seem to be a greater "sin" in these circles to not forgive even then the original abuse done by the abuser? Why isn't it enough for someone to simply to continue living their life and leave the abusers in the rear view mirror of life?

I've noticed the abused are shamed even for talking about things. Oh I've gotten a few detractors along the way, well you still write about these people! That means you haven't forgiven!  They don't get that I made the decision to write about ACON issues long ago on this blog so things still crop up.

It's like I was told I must clean my brain out like a zombie. Perhaps that is the requirement of the "forget" part of the equation. For me to "forget" would be dangerous, because then I would lower my guard. Remember 6 years in, I was hoovered as recently as last fall. I have had others in my life approached by my abusers where one sent one a check in THEIR NAME. My abusers have gotten people committed and even held guardianship over one.

There's major efforts to silence anyone who deals with the problem of evil in our society and faces it head on. I have noticed this. Be a whistleblower on how evil really works, there's a lot of people who aren't too happy about that. It's in the structure of our society. The powerful in American society especially tends to correlate with the most narcissistic. Why is that? Well when you have a society based on dominance, that is what you get. That's one of the reason the abused are told to submit to the abusers, even after the fact. Few question how power works and how absolute power corrupts or how the messages in society often correlate to increase the power a few hold over many.

Why are the abused demanded to "forgive" and show more kindness and leeway for those who have abused them?  Many of the abused webwide, [see some comments on my blog here as an example of that], are told they must forgive and are "bad people" not do so. Why isn't it enough for a previously abused person to leave their abusers in peace hoping the favor will be returned? It's almost like they want you to submit no matter what. The abused are shamed, but the offenders are never told to change their ways or at least held responsible for the relationship coming to an end. The fact of the matter is the malignant narcissists can't change.

See the difference? Most ACONs who learn about no contact, leave, and do everything in their power, just to be left alone in peace. But oddly that's not good enough.  I do question some aspects of these forgiveness messages and what do they really entail?

I was on an ACON Facebook group, I later left with several other people, because an admin there, via her religion, [some type of Pentecostal? I was not sure] started preaching the "you must forgive or else!" message. She took things so far, she actually posted that using terms like "narcissistic" or "toxic" were wrong. She wanted to take even the language to describe what happened to us away and started preaching about how labels were wrong. I found it ironic that probably most people there had been labeled in many a smear campaign, but somehow even to state you were a victim of abuse was wrong. I didn't even post there very often anymore but was in shock at this message. For me this was all about silencing the victims. I stood up and said it was wrong. I got banned.

With the forgiveness stuff, I have a rule, that trumps the "forgive or else" messages, don't let others tell you what to feel or not feel. For me that covers it. There's sure a lot of people concerned about all the forgiveness and it's ironic to me, that often they get upset the most at people who call out all the abuse.