Many ACONs go through a process of doing anthropology on their own lives. I definitely did. As the years went by, there was new discoveries, the unraveling of lies, exposure of family secrets and even seeing how I was treated in new ways and facing the truth of it all. Things slowed down to a trickle, this many years in, but sometimes there can be new personal revelations even far down no contact highway.
Yesterday being housebound from heat, I was going through my stamp collection and post card collection. My post card collection includes unique postcards like wooden ones, and one made into a puzzle, but there's some personal post cards added in too. So as I was flipping through the post cards. I read this post card from my father I got in 1996, it is in his handwriting.
The card reads "Hi, we are having the trip of a lifetime, very expensive but fantastic. No room left in the car so I guess it is time to head North. Love Mom and Dad"
By no room in the car, he means they have shopped so much the car was full.
Some may say this card is pretty innocent, what's the problem Peep? Well, it is the context this card was sent in. You see, 1996, was the peak of my illness and growing poverty in Chicago.
This was the year I would get very ill and I lived in extreme poverty at this time with no car, no phone--we used one at a laundromat around a quarter of a block down the street, and very limited groceries. I lived in a dangerous ghetto neighborhood but rent took half my pay for a 2 room apartment full of mice and rats and drug dealers down the hall. I was in the hospital multiple times including two bouts of leg infections and cellulitis, that put me in for weeks and included sepsis.
My father at this time had gotten a giant settlement check, some nuisance lawsuit, I know it was at least 6 figures. they both went on a spending spree, and "bragged" about it all the time. This was the trip where we went on the bus to visit them, some months later, and where he bragged about spending $7,000 on it.
To be frank, I hate Disney World because my parents loved it like other American Lumpenproletariats who have no imagination of their own. Yeah I know some of the characters are cute but I have negative memories of it. My family was infatuated with Disney World. They bought endless Disney World products and took pictures. When Winnie the Pooh in costume hugged my sister, you would think it was the second coming. Maybe some narcissists love Disney World because it sells fantasies and it helps with appearances of being a 'caring parent" This is not to say all parents who take kids to Disney World are bad parents, but narcissists love to put on shows. The Turpins went on their Disney World forays to show off to the public after unchaining their kids. I also think it shows the immaturity, Disney World is for children but they went down there as two adults with no children though later my mother would take my sister's kids who were not yet born in 1996 to Disney World multiple times.
It was odd yesterday to have these memories brought back. Sometimes that can be rough but as the layers of the onion keep peeling, there are levels you never would suspect. I was so used to bad treatment, that at the time I thought this was "normal". I had been taught to bootstrap it so long, that I was taught it was normal, for parents to go on spending sprees while one of their adult children was almost dying of severe illness. After all, the bumper stickers all over the place that bragged about "spending their children's inheritance" were already slapped on the back of cars. I was taught they deserved lavish vacations while my suffering was my "own fault".
Also the extreme narcissistic need to BRAG here is so immense. This of course continued with my brother until I went no contact with him. When you are away a long time, you grow more objective and you see more, you really do. I wasn't shocked. I remember hearing the bragging all the time even then. The post card however gives more evidence of what I put up with and the lack of empathy. I am glad I never asked for a thing back then, but what they had to say to me, said it all.
Insensitive, to put it most mildly, which is my stomach tended to cramp up at the thought of dealing with your folks (or going to their roost). But such bragging is also a sign of darker and deeper dysfunction -- as in, "Wow, lookit all this stuff I got, ain't I great?" Imagine if Mick Jagger kept on jumping up and down, going, "I am the singer of the Rolling Stones, yes, I am! Yes I am!" That's how it always struck me, all this noise that they made about it.
ReplyDeleteOf course, we could have pushed back at the idiots then, but we'd probably have to had cut ourselves off from them then, which (I sensed) you weren't ready to do yet.
Here in town, I still see a lot of people living that way -- all driving battleship-sized cars that you have to strain to get around, parking-wise, being able to fill their grocery cart to the rim with processed poo, or getting whatever they want in whatever store we see them in. They still think it's 1965, and there's a job at every corner, so they feel fine yelling at the kids to get off their lawn.
I actually experienced the opposite nightmare, that of the traditionally-minded family who commingled their business with yours, whether you wanted them or not.
Which is how I found myself forced to move in with my sister during college, after a year of basement living with my best friend, with which I was well satisfied -- and of course, we couldn't rent a house in town.
Instead, we plumped for complexes run by management companies -- which invariably charge the most larcenous rents -- all on the outskirts of town, which forced me to choose every night between buses or cabs (or simply hoofing it) when I needed to get back.
Because this was all driven by my sister's preferences, I wound up with three different addresses in my last three years -- as part of the inevitable end of summer move, all at great hassle and inconvenience and expense. But I had no say in any of this monkey business, so all I could do was grit my fume and try to get through the experience.
Like you, I wasn't quite sure what to do about it all. I had various side hustles going, but life at a Big Ten campus and city is considerably costlier than say, life at Podunk U and Mayberryville USA, so it wasn't enough to fully subsidize me -- and, hence, I had to deal with my own relations' annoying preferences and inclinations, whether I wanted or not.
So you wind up living and learning, and chalking it all up to experience. I'm glad that I can make my own mistakes now, let's put it that way. --Mr. Peep
Hi Mr. Peep.
ReplyDeleteYeah it was the usual insensitivity of that time. My stomach hurt and lungs checked out too everytime we went to go visit my family. I wish I had gotten us away sooner. Even the 2-3 forced marches a year when we moved to our present state was too much. We only saw them come here very rarely and for 10 minutes on the way from some mega shopping or other trips to "more important people". I have to tell you having the pressure of these trips off my back, and yours too, I think has lightened our load, since most were the endless bragathons. We'd go to my mother's house and I'd see thousands of dollars wasted on the latest house decor such as the army of plastic and cermaic snowmen or enriching Mickey and Friends for 5,000 plus and think of how hard it was going to meet our light bill, and sit there too with the fake smile on my face.
One thing is odd, is how they never stopped bragging to US, why was it so necessary? I wonder about the philosophy there, I mean we were already broke, they had reached the middle levels of American prosperity, why brag to the two who even at some of the times were living in a 2 room apartment in the ghetto without a car? It was crazy but I guess narcs are going to narc, it's all about getting over and showing off and "winning", they are the product of the worse elements of our society.
LOL at least Mick Jones had some talent to crow about, some excellent paper pushers for the government and a candy man guy just weren't as impressive.
Yeah you know I regret not getting away sooner. I had too many false dreams about spending time with a future grown up niece or nephew who'd be more like me. Really that's what kept me in the game so long until disappointment came to bear.
Yeah you know we see the battleship car people, full grocery carts, living lives that are so beyond many people's means. I guess they have the money to think it is still 1965, and just have no interest in dealing with or admitting what the world is like for the rest of us.
Your family was more the enmeshed type, enmeshment being a narc mode of being, though they weren't as abusive as mine, this can trouble people in the same way.Yeah it's sad you were forced to move away from your best friend. I know I had to play the "suck it up", "get through college" game too and it cost me bits of my soul. I think if anything college students should be allowed freedom and independence rather then having their futures deterimined by parents but the money game is set up to keep you dependent and desperate and subservient for far too long. So yeah I understand you giving in because I went through the same thing just to a different degree.
Thanks Peeps. Yeah it hurts. These people are bizarre just like my mother and brothers. What would my mother have done if she didn't have me to look after her children for free? But no mention of my indentured servitude, any mention of the violence is met with bizarre comments. All I can do is detach and take care of myself at the moment. I could have used a real family my entire life and I could use one now. But I don't have one. I mean they're alive. I tell people my parents are dead if any one asks. I don't want to go into the painful stories. Some how it's all my fault, I need to do a fourth step, an inventory to see how I harmed my mother and siblings. No, I did not. My part in it was that I didn't leave when I was 15 years old. I could barely function from the daily beatings and emotional abuse.
ReplyDeleteyeah they were bizarre as hell, two then 50 something year olds, ironically the age I am now, since Queen Spider would have been 50 in 1996 and my father 55 only caring about Mickey and pals and spending money like crazy. Yeah your mother used you as a baby sitter. I was very lucky infertility a la endometriosis came to knock on Queen's door, after my sister was born. I found out from my brother they wanted 7-8 kids, and as the oldest daughter I would have been made into Jana Duggar except without the home schooling. Some souls escaped narc hell too. Yeah detach and take care of yourself. All us ACONs have to face facts we never really had families. I wouldn't mind seeing the cousins, but I know at the event they are having, a I can't afford it and b. all narcs are invited so that's more problem then it's worth. The rest my life is far better without them, and even with cousins, I'm tired of explaining and having to defend myself and wondering why openly LBTGQ and other liberal people [the cousins] hang out with the extreme Tea Party and religious set, without any issues, and if their consciences plague them all keeping contact with people who are cruel. At least one believed me and admitted they were/are abusive but they still have contact and that's complicated.
DeleteYeah they are alive, well in my case some of them, and well it's not like having a family that is alive and THERE. I let people IRl believe mine are dead, its easier that way. I suppose someone could see ACON groups on my Facebook though more aren't shown now, and make deductions, but one thing to follow there is JADE. You don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain to anyone you don't want to. I wonder about that 12 step stuff, some is valuable, I know people where they were freed from alcoholism, but the making amends step worries me because many victims of narcissists have had that one unloaded on their back where they were taught to blame themselves instead of the true culprits. I know I made some mistakes but I was so beaten down too and company with narcissists does not bring forth the best out of anyone. I wish we both had escaped at 15. LOL I would have toddled out the front door as soon as I could walk though obviously foster care life is a gamble.
That JADE is a good one - have to remember it
ReplyDeleteWas in the neighborhood where my parents grew up last week-photographed the church they were married in - it’s a bit unusual architecturally - the school my mother went to Is next door and all I wanted to do was weep - throw myself down on the ground and cry - I held it all in & it’s no wonder I have an awful cold now-
that church was the foundation of many family myths- lots of stories connected with the church & the school-
And tales of how tough the neighborhood was and how tough my mother was as a girl
This was a slum industrial area that my parents moved out of with the financial help of my paternal grandparents
And I guess I was visiting with the ghosts again searching for something that isn’t there because it never was
Was in the neighborhood that I grew up in & found myself wishing that my father was still alive - which is totally insane because he was such a violent psycho- beat me like I was an adult & withholding with any money in a very abusive way. He would give me small amounts of money that I was to keep a secret-$3, $7, $16- strange tiny amounts - crumbs- this was supposed to cover car fare lunches & clothing- it didn’t
I guess one never stops hoping their parents might one day love them even though they never had- it’s a bitter sad pill to swallow
The thing that hurts most of all was the Narc mother turning siblings against each other & the sickest most toxic thing- she destroyed our family but my siblings blame me
I understand searching for ghosts, maybe trying to find what we wished we had. Some idea of belonging. Sounds like your father was afraid of your mother, I had the same thing going. Mine would even speak Differently to me when she was not around but sadly I found out what most of what he told me was lies. He was the rageholic who did everything she told him to. Yeah sounds like he just dug out from his wallet what he could find, sounds like she had a strangle hold on him with the cash and ran the money show. Yeah one always hopes for love that will never be there. We have to deal with the people we ended up with, not let that false dream keep us in the mix as it did me too long. I listened to the lie that more success etc, would improve my place in the family and that was something I held on to, that was a complete lie. That's fantasy all ACONS have to put to rest. Yes all these narc mothers turn siblings against each other, there's no alliance there, my sister and brother have nothing to do with each other. I wish your siblings did not blame you.
DeleteI made the mistake of moving into my parents house when I was in crisis thinking it would help me get back on my feet. It was 2 1/2 years of hell. This was the ‘90’s. The last place my narc mother wanted me is on my feet. My parents and a younger brother put me through hell, had neighbors spying on me for them and when potential jobs or my friends would call they would say I didn’t live there! This was way before cell phones.
ReplyDelete$2000 would have been more than enough money for me to move into my own apartment.
My youngest sister, who cashed out when her first husband died young, gifted my oldest brother & his family an all expense paid vacation to Disney World including plane tickets.
Narc mother reported that Brother GC complained that the lines to the rides and attractions were too long.
I just remembered that!
Why was sister so willing to gift my
brother this ridiculous gift but not to genuinely help me? I didn’t ask her- at that time I still thought of her as my favorite sisters and that we had a good relationship. I was deluded- she is the opposite of a sister. I should coin a word to fully express it - she’s like the clone of the narc.
I vaguely remember asking to borrow money only to be told she was tapped out. Soon after I ran into her best friend who told me that with the death of her husband so young my sister was set for life! What? Sister lied to me about being tapped out. She did not want to help me in any way. Isn’t this what family does for each other- helps in difficult times?
This was most confusing because I think part of the role she was groomed for was to pretend to be close to me.
Well, there’s the Disney connection. The pilgrimage to an oversized expensive county fair-
Sister never asked me if I would like a vacation there-
It has only dawned on me now - in my most recent crisis, that this youngest sister is the Golden Child girl & oldest brother is the GC boy. Our narc mother groomed them all along from when we were young.
According to the family myths I committed a crime by asking for help since I’m not supposed to have any needs. Only the good GC’s get to go to Disney World.
Yeah I had to move back for student teaching--not allowed to live in the dorm and couldn't find a part time job around teaching hours, and it was a nightmare, stuck there for about a year and half. I would think the homeless shelter would be better then dealing with sabotaging narcs. That's sad they ruined the job opportunities for you by lying. I wonder now about that, seriously, because I sent hundreds of teaching applications while living at home, and I had experience, art and craft camp director, high grade point, volunteering for an arts council and I never heard anything back. I did later get the two interviews, where I was turned down for health failing medical exams but that would be by the time I was out of the house. This makes me wonder what really happened to all those teaching applications and if any phone calls came through.
DeleteIt was only years later coming out of the fog I realized too, how much I was sabotaged. They sabotaged my student teaching demanding I pay rent and other bills, so my student teaching days literally went from 6 am to 11:30 pm with my job after school hours, there was no time to sleep.
I realize now too like you my parents wanted me to fail, and they did have adverse effects on my health life long with full medical neglect even as a minor. Yeah it sounds like you really got put through hell. I do think in our system parents have way too much power over young people and young adults. Especially as our job world and school world is set up in a certain way, we are not allowed independence or even the tools for independence especially with all the demanded money for school. The richer the narcissistic parents too, the worse it is for the young adults trying to launch too. This is a make or break point for many lives and with narcissists in the mix, it can throw a life off course permanently.
Yeah I had phone calls from friends pushed away and even mail, that 'disappeared'. It is too bad they only hurt rather then helped you.
That's sad that your youngest sister gave your brother, wife and kids a Disney vacation, while you needed help, but I saw this too, some relatives living in extreme poverty like Aunt Scapegoat, but thousands and thousands spent on Disney World, I do think Aunt Scapegoat later got a visit down there, she really stopped talking to me or calling me around that time, but this was before. There were multiple trips down there, for my sister and her kids, with my mother and her husband.
Yes families can have two GCs. I am glad you saw through your sister. I had the relatives too, who were nicer to me but always "betrayed" me in the end to the narcs, so those types you have to be careful of too.
Remember how I wrote about my time of extreme poverty in Chicago on this blog? Both my siblings were secure financially, it only occurred to me years and years later, I had all these relatives with money and the two 'best friends' from college had 6 figures already and NO ONE lifted a finger. I was so used to being beaten down and told I was responsible for everything it only occurred to me later, I was literally dying [in hospital multiple times] back then and NO ONE helped. Later I got better friends, but I realized the siblings never cared about me either.
Yeah I was taught too to never ask for any needs. They paraded around their vacations and more at me. it was sick. Even a few years ago, I had my sister send me a Christmas card, while no contact, of her and her family visiting London. Narcs love to pick a scapegoat to financially destroy, and will do everything to destroy health and careers, and then use them to brag to for years until the scapegoat goes no contact.
I am so sorry about the ill treatment from your family. The word makes me cringe. I thought I was the only one whose parents didn't help but made things worse. You would think that parents and friends would step in with offers of financial assistance in desperate times. You really find out who your friends are when things go bad.
ReplyDeleteWhen I made the mistake of moving into my parent's house, I had been evicted from a basement apartment and was living in a grimy dirty boarding house/rooming house with very depressing people. I didn't check in with any one when I made the decision to call my parents. I should have known something was wrong when I brought in my groceries and my mother proceeded to pour the olive oil from my bottle into their bottle. AND my brother's wife, was on the stairs above me trashing me to my parents. I had just met this woman, she did not know me from a can of paint. I read this thing that said, you can leave a dysfunctional family and come back only if you bring in another person. None of my boyfriend's wanted to meet my parents, well, one did. One of my boyfriend's said, I never want to meet those bastards.
I am doing my best to detach but I feel a lot of anger. I almost wished terrible things would happen to that sister but then I realized, it's as if she's dead anyway. She won't call me back, won't contact me. Would I be happier just thinking they are all dead? It does hurt that neither sister or brother called me back. I doubt they are crying over me or spend any time worrying about me or even thinking about me. I am afraid of my mother and brothers, because they don't want me to tell the many family secrets. I'm trying to be grateful that I am away from that nonsense. I can't help wishing I had a caring loving family. I guess that's normal.
One thing I realized later, is that they create our desperate times. My parents made everything worse too. They wanted me to fail, and well it was sheer force of will that even got me as far as I did. When the body went out, what was I to do? Yes you really know who your friends are when things go bad. I'm sorry to hear you went down scapegoat poverty highway like me. The worse thing about scapegoating is the poverty it can cause. Any scapegoat who manages a secure career or any money, realize that is a major asset.
DeleteYes family is a word that makes me cringe too. It's another power authoritarian system in many cases. All about status especially in America. I tend to think that the concept of "family" is dying out.
I did the boarding house route and rented rooms too, yes I know how that can go. If you get a chance go to index and read my poverty posts, I talk about those years. Yes desperation I am sure led you to the mistake of moving into your parent's house. Homeless shelters are full or often abusive. It is a giant blow to adult self esteem to have to depend on abusers, and they never let you forget it either. Here too, social workers and society, maintain the delusional ideas about family, they 'will help you get on your feet", well maybe not. My mother once said when I and husband were having financial trouble, "you will never live here, you are on your own!"
I had to live with troubled people too. One boarding house lady who owned the house was nice, but my roommates could be something else.
That's weird she grabbed your olive oil and poured it, sounds like taking advantage to me. I had spouses and boyfriends and girlfriends of siblings who hated me for no reason, that's how the smear campaigns work. So yeah even if they know nothing about you, they will hate you. I had my sister's fiance threaten me and then sit there at my wedding! Sit there and glaring. The man hated my guts, I never had one beef with him in my life before hand.
continuing.
DeleteWith leaving, another person won't save you to go back in. Even if you have someone with complete love and loyalty as I did, if they can't turn that person against you, they will abuse that person too. or they will try to chip away at it, offering them money, sending a check in THEIR NAME and lying.
With mates, make sure you choose one that has complete love and loyalty. The boyfriend who said he never wanted to meet those bastards definitely was in the right place on that matter. That is a betrayal that will end a relationship, if a spouse/significant others will choose a narc family. The fake 'best friends' don't get that was their failing.
My husband loves me so I was fortunate, and my family creeped him out. They treated him badly too. I spared us BOTH getting away from those people. It improved our life and our relationship even, it reduced stress. It was one of the best decisions I ever made for both our sakes.
Yes I understand the anger. Don't shame yourself for it, or let others shame you for it. I had that happen to me. Why wouldn't one be angry. We have to avoid revenge or other destructive things, and go on to better lives, but the anger will lessen with time. I come on here and talk about them but as the years passed by they really have no effect on my daily life anymore. It is as if they are dead. This many years, they have become these people of "once upon a time". I still dig things up and think about the insanity like this article, but they become ghosts, you are a ghost being gone. I don't think mine would even recognize me if they saw me in the street.
Yeah it hurts when they reject you. I had to face facts in my early years of no contact, that there was no relationships there, I only imagined them. These were people I never could truly talk to. They rejected me first and well that sounds like what is happening to you. I later felt nauseous how I begged for all the crumbs for so many years and then felt odd, they wouldn't leave me alone on the hoovering when I felt I had done all parties a favor walking. It was about control not any true caring about me.
Nope they aren't crying about you or worrying about you. I doubt they even worry or cry about the people living right with them. They don't have feelings like us. One thing when I would think of them, I would shut it down thinking, "They aren't thinking of you". That is one thing to realize, they don't care. They are incapable of love. They live like animals with no finer emotions.
With being afraid, I think every scapegoat who is no contact, has to practice a certain degree of vigilance. Everyone is getting old in my case, that helps, people don't have energy [I hope] for too much trouble but you do have to remain careful. Live life but with these people we have to be guarded.
I know there is pain knowing we won't have families, like other people have. Some are able to find "found families" via friendships. Some are able to form their own families via relationships and marriage, though obviously some scapegoats, "family comes with a lot of baggage" and some elect to be child-free etc.
Hey Peep, have you seen the video about the family that attacked each other at Disney World? It made me think of your post about your parents expensive trips to Disney World/Land (I get them mixed up). Maybe there should be a Family Therapy section of Disney Land. Or Family Boxing Ring.
ReplyDeletehttps://people.com/crime/family-fight-breaks-out-disneyland-toontown/
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7gtoLmHd5w
Wow that is sad, I wonder what the relationship is between the guy in the red shirt who keeps hitting all the women especially the one with long hair. That's crazy and all those bystanders were trying to pull them off each other, once three men had to pull the guy off the one gal with long reddish hair.
Yeah put in a family boxing or therapy section.
Peeps, they are all related apparently. Okay something is up. I think more people are reading your blog than you realize. Abigail Disney has an interview on yahoo.com about not feeling safe in her alcoholic home growing up.
ReplyDeletehttps://news.yahoo.com/we-didnt-feel-safe-disney-heiress-describes-violence-in-childhood-103000327.html