Blaming the Homeless Instead of Admitting the Economy is Trash

 

Sometimes I get tired of these pundits, they always seem to give messages that help the ruling class. Matt Walsh, is busy rising up the young against Social Security. No one thinks ahead to their old age or possible disability. Throw everyone in the street! That's what he seems to want!  Matt Walsh is just controlled opposition for the ruling class. Too many of these political commentators for decades have done smear campaigns against the poor and to get people to lick the boots of billionaires and accept their economic destruction. The left wing isn't innocent here, too many with money just ignore the poor. 

 I've been reading and watching Kevin Dahlgren for some time. I agree with some of what he writes but I worry about other messages and ones I see from other commentators. He writes and comments about homelessness. He gets a few things right. Why did they close all the mental hospitals? Why is there no help for people. He was right with this statement.

Personal responsibility has limits. Someone suffering from severe mental illness, cognitive impairment, profound trauma, or overwhelming addiction may not be capable of consistently making rational decisions without intensive treatment, structure, supervision, and long-term support. In those cases, simply demanding better choices may accomplish very little. A person who is psychotic, profoundly impaired, or completely consumed by addiction cannot always be treated as though he or she is making decisions from the same position as a healthy adult.

He is also right that many big cities have become open air asylums. When Reagan closed the mental hospitals in the 1980s, he really screwed society over. 

 I agree with him about the fraud, and other matters. 

My problem is many of the messages why does he say they are all drug addicts? Why does he ignore the dire state of the economy so much? It gets frustrating to see these messages out there constantly that all the homeless are at fault. He claims the homeless are being loved to death. 

 I can give some concessions here:  Portland is a messed up place. Maybe it's become a Mecca for homeless drug addicts, but his opinions about overall homelessness disturb me. They are common among other "conservatives". Do these conservatives all have so much money and secure jobs they can't imagine that could be them one day? How many started the drugs or drinking AFTER becoming homeless? No one ever talks about that. Does he realize how many non-substance abusers are becoming homeless now?

 I have two sober friends dealing with it. One lost Social Security and fortunately the other found a friend to live with. He acts like there is endless help but is there really? Maybe in Portland.  Does he expect that woman in a wheelchair with amputations to go get a job as a barista or something? How come we don't have job placement programs anymore. The guy with "Forever Alone" tattooed on his arms, you know he's a trauma case who probably has been "left alone" since childhood. Obviously, there's no family to go live with in that case.

In the disabled world alone, you will run into endless people who have been homeless. Why? Because the money is so little. So I've talked to people who have been homeless. Many have told me about the shelters, the crazy rules, the cruelty, the systems that make it impossible to function. I've been in tears over crazy crap they told me, like one lady being forced to go in her wheelchair too long of a distance just to eat or having all their meds taken away and then losing all access to them. 

No one ever addresses the fact America is a sick wealth extraction society that only allows the super-stars to live in a stable fashion, and now many are sliding through the cracks. I am in danger of homelessness if something happens to my husband and he is too for the opposite. We have talked to friends about this. You won't see those issues addressed. The social services system is in collapse. I told a medical professional yesterday about how Medicaid cut offs in my state are at the same level of the early 2010s. We were discussing how I cannot afford a hearing aid. I've lost more hearing, both ears are now equal in hearing loss [both profound]. I have written on this blog about housing issues, and food issues, and how social services is failing. 

When it comes to poverty, many conservative and well-off people judge the poor a lot. Too many liberals patronize them and ignore the facts of their lives too especially those that neo-liberalism has rewarded. A director of a homeless charity hauling in 6 figures from government money being poured into the coffers, doesn't have motive to "solve" the problem. They do not relate or understand the lives of their consumers. In this article he is angry that so much is done for the homeless, but does he realize if you have no money you are not going to be able to copy and obtain paperwork or take endless buses across town? Do they expect that people should starve in the streets? Where's all those homeless shelters and drug addiction clinics Trump promised? Billions are being sent for wars no one wanted. None of them seem to understand how poverty life works, so they talk about passivity and "dependence", They don't realize you need money to get things done in America. Money is everything here. Cash brings independence but they ignore that part.

Dahlgren is right about some terrible aspects of the homeless industrial complex, they rake in millions, where does the money really go? Probably super high salaries. The grift is off the charts. The leftist elites in places like Portland and San Francisco where rent is 3,000 a month or more profit too. Sadly, he doesn't talk about this, he thinks this economic system works. I would be homeless today in both towns. If you dropped me there tomorrow, I'd be in the streets with the rest of them.

Of course, among the right wing it's "socialism" or "communism" or some BS like that, for wages to match basic housing prices. I think all the bougiecrats don't care if the streets are full of the homeless.

I was on Substack and wrote some responses to his articles. He tried to assure me that people CHOOSE to be homeless. Oh, that choice thing again, they love to lob that one ignoring the fact Money guides all choices! I hope he can rethink some of this stuff. 

He responded:

I answered:

It's sad, he really thinks homeless people want to be homeless. Maybe he only talks to drug addicts, I don't know. The drug addicted may dominate the homeless population there but there's other forms of homelessness happening. There are worrisome messages the ruling class wants pushed.  Don't pay attention to the collapsing economy where the bills make you cry, or you notice all your friends slipping through the cracks doing Go-fund Mes to stay off the street, just blame all the homeless and tell everyone all of them are drug addicts that deserve it! Tell people they all choose it! Are there amoral drug addicts, sure there are, and there are traumatized ones and ill ones and people who needed AA and NA years ago. However, claiming the homeless all choose their circumstances, in this type of economy is insane!

He later posted this article stressing that Homelessness is a Choice.... [Sigh!]

The Biggest Lie We Tell About Homelessness

There is the truth you can't just throw an apartment at someone who is sick and penniless and can't furnish or maintain it but I wouldn't call that a choice. Not at all. If they know no money is coming in or they have spent 40 years being unemployable maybe they expect to lose it ahead of time. Maybe some fear being all alone in an apartment especially in a dangerous neighborhood. Why are they giving apartments to the most ill who cannot function? As a disabled person I can't even get help with cleaning, I'm trying to set up a barter situation with some art to get help but haven't heard back from the person yet.  Why are the drug addicted all lumped in with the sober so the sober people all suffer who could have a real turn around with help? [that's what I meant in the last comment] Dahlgren says he worked in Social Work, why isn't there any common sense in the decisions being made at these agencies?

Read the reader comments on his last article. A lot of these middle class and above people do not understand basic things about poverty. They think everything is a choice and all adversity can be overcome if you "do the right things". All those "right things" cost money of course. They may not realize that for those who could not function in the regular world, the long termers may adapt for psychological survival and may even tell him, "I choose this!" to avoid shame and the stench of failure or the very fact for many of the homeless they do not have families or other social structures others take for granted. So, I wonder about that given his discussions with the homeless. the way life is, with such impossible standards and heavy hitting bills on little money, maybe some are just giving up. That's one thing the stupid, debauched technocrats and billionaires don't get, you have trouble when the population loses all motivation and hope. Maybe that rests behind some of the seemingly irrational "choices". If nothing you do works and the system has pulverized you to nothing maybe some check out for good. I still don't consider that a choice really just more the result of life long desperation.

There have always been "travelers" and hoboes riding the trains and those who "drop out" but when your cities are filling with the homeless, there's a bigger problem. Society is not working anymore but none of these pundits will admit the deaths from despair or what happens when basic lives are unaffordable to more and more people. 

I am more and more disturbed at these responses in this miserable of an economy. I can see one town I used to live in for 8 years is getting a very severe homeless problem akin to Portland. I went to college in this town, and lived there 4 years after, and experienced extreme poverty there. There was no help there in the 1990s so what is the place like now?  The resources would all be stretched thin there. Also these right wingers are proud their communities are free of the homeless but they have been pushed out to somewhere else. We are going to have far more homeless people, how could we not?

Work on "Fat Pat Fights Covid" Continues

 

I'm slow on projects with chronic fatigue and health but I haven't given up on the "Fat Pat Fights Covid" zine!

 I did get some color panels done but have decided to redraw the black and white panels. Always use a non-scannable or xeroxable pencil! Do those blue pencils get picked up on scanners? Anyone know? Where do I get one? 

 I probably will have to use my tracing light tablet with my old drawings or draw them fresh in pen with no pencil lines. A technical snafu has affected things. My tools are from the 2000s or 2010s, I don't have one of those fancy graphics programs. I use an old bamboo tablet, a light tablet, Paint 3D and drawing in pencil and pen. If you were one of the ones who bought "Fat Pat Fights the World", that's how that zine was made. My budget hasn't allowed a rerun of that zine yet, but I hope one day I can do a reprint.

They ended up Publisher too. Yes, Publisher the program, I learned how to format zines and booklets on since 2020. This kind of thing should be illegal. I still have to check if the program will work on my computer but not sure how this will affect my Cloud. Keep paper copies of all your work in case the internet goes down. We may all have to go back to the xerox machines and hand drawn work. 

I'm doing a small art show, just hobby level, so been working on that too and plan to put a few items in area art shows. I'm slow at art too, but dedicate enough time to get some projects done. There's one water color I've been hacking away at for months, but that's not in this show.   One painting I am putting in is from 2021. When I'm not in bed, I'm either cooking or doing art work, though I figured out a style of art where I can do major components of it while laying in bed, kind of like Frida Kahlo. 

Future Fat Pat titles I am hoping for:

Fat Pat Fights the Great Depression 2.0 [I have tons of comics even from the past dealing with economic issues and life as a poor person]
Fat Pat Fights the New World Order [hey you all know I'm a conspiracy theorist! This one would be fun, where I can share a lot of my real opinions, it will include UFOS and chemtrails]
Officer Pat Fights the Surveillance State [I used to have a character where "Pat" was healthy and she had become a cop, but the joke was she went easy on everyone and did things her own way!] 

Remember I have 30 or so comic books of my diaries kept in comic form so the art and ideas for these is already down somewhere on paper. 

A Study: Poor People are Lonelier

 Men aren’t lonelier than everyone else. This group of people is.

The group of people are the poor.

If you are poor enough, and I've written about this many times, you are left out of the warp and weave of society. Poverty is one reason I no longer have a family. Poverty led to my being disabled in the first place. Poverty keeps me from doing activities I would rather be doing. In my case I am fortunate, I do have my husband and a few good friends despite being poor. I'm not really lonely as of late doing activities with husband and friends, but I've had those times in life. Society is indeed headed in a direction that is scary for social connection. Maybe once I figure out a new church or other things I can improve things even more. This article is true though, the poorer you are, the lonelier you will be. 

 For homeless people this is even worse, think about this, if you are homeless, there's no one close enough to be taking you in. That's the loneliest place to be. Can you imagine?
The Bible had a verse I still remember. 

Proverbs 19:4 “Wealth maketh many friends; but the poor is separated from his neighbour”

Doing stuff, hobbies, going out, and gas for visits all cost money.  Even if I get an art scholarship for an art class, I still have to pay something to be there. Other activities cost supplies, entrance fees and money for gas to get there. 

So, this doesn't surprise me.

The article talks about how the work world has changed, the low paid jobs are often outsourced so the workers don't feel embraced by the company. They are underlings kept separate from everyone else. The book "Bowling Alone" is mentioned, and how civic organizations have died out in America. Lower income people have far less groups to go to in other words and have to work more hours more often than not. 

They discuss how poverty itself can burden friendships since poor people often need more help and favors and how one's self esteem is affected negatively. Those who are single find dating much harder and too expensive. I talk about how the poor never are able to find each other, we are isolated from each other. Some may tell me go find people in your same situation, but it has felt impossible around here. I asked my husband many times "How come I never meet anyone in the same circumstances as myself"? I do online but IRL it's very rare. I befriend people from all walks of life instead. 

Society is changing in a way where the isolation is growing. There's less opportunities. I notice with older people they have groups to go to and participate in but many of those groups just have boomers and older and no one younger in them. I've been in a multitude of groups like this. It's better I did things that way instead of hiding at home. The library book club had people all 20 years older.  What happens when those groups all die off? I made an effort for community involvement and it paid off. Is part of the problem that only older people [boomers and above] have the money and social capital still that the predatory capitalists have now erased for anyone under a certain age? Are younger people having socialization problems? I've noticed young people seem quieter; I don't know if it is because they aren't going to talk that openly to a disabled old lady or if they are spending more time alone and it's taken a toll. How would I know?

 Most who have read this blog have seen me talk about how money has affected my life in organizations including churches.

Should people accept such a lonely society? Do you see how society is basically no longer working or it costs money to even be seen as a human being?
Here is a Substack article written on this Slate article.

"I am the male loneliness epidemic"

He's right about a lot in this article. I agree with it. He talks about the demise of social lives in American society. I addressed how we were forced to move away from each other years ago in my article "Economic Nomads in the Geography of Nowhere"

In some ways, I never recovered from that last move, while I came to accept life here and found the good things and a few friends, there was always part of me that thinking, "I'll be wrenched away from here too now". It was a theme of my life always being taken away from people and places. People need to have a HOME for life. Humans need connection and security. That's one reason American society has so many mental health problems. All this moving has ruined society as a whole. I hope in the future people won't be forced to move so much. 

As I have written too poverty ends belonging now in American society. 

He writes:

"I’m desperately lonely.

And not on a purely personal level. Compared to the past, we are all desperately lonely in the modern age.

Do you have 4-5 friends that would come over and play a game with you?

Do you entertain guests at least once every two weeks?

Have you ever been to a dinner party with a bunch of adults your age?

How often do you go over to someone’s house that you’re not related to?"

In my case I do see two friends one about every two weeks, and the other about once every 6-8 weeks, one lives around 20 miles away and the other 50-60. I could not bring 4-5 friends together unless I was doing something with my art club. My art club usually met around once a month. Autistics don't always get "friend groups", we usually befriend one on one or on occasion couples or do activities.

 I have never been to a dinner party outside of a church context. Some of my churches sponsored dinner parties but I know I could not meet the expenses of holding one myself though I attended a few in my first IFB including a large barbecue. That reminds me of my mother when she mocked me, asking me "Having 25 people in your home is not something that doesn't require work, you would know this how?" That woman has never been lonely which gives me some strange thoughts about life. I never go to anyone's house though this is complicated that some have stairs and it's hard for me to get into their houses. Otherwise I probably would visit more of their houses. I would have some friends and me meet at the library and other places sometimes to get around this problem.

He is right about the death of the extended family. My mother grew up safe and secure among literally 100 relatives. There was a small town that was full of my relatives up to the early 1970s on the side of the family. Most moved away starting in the 1960s. When I read old books like James T. Farrell and Saul Bellows, the social and family networks even in big cities are VAST and long in duration. That doesn't apply to society today.

"In the early 1900s, it was completely normal to be in proximity to your uncles and aunts, cousins, second cousins, third cousins twice removed (I don’t know what that actually means), And so on.

He talks about how people were more interdependent with one another. People weren't eating alone and going days and days without seeing or talking to another human being. We have each other but in-between times I see my friends or art club I can go days without talking to anyone else except online. One reason I DO live in small towns, is I do like getting to know clerks, and others. That does happen if you live in a small enough place. My town is still small enough to have vestiges of the old school friendliness here and there.

"Society used to operate on a web of relationships between people that were interdependent on each other.

The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Each of them had a trade and something they could be relied on for. Some of you reading this likely have a last name such as, Fletcher, Gardener, Baker, Smith, etc. All of these are jobs that cemented someone’s place in society. If you have to go and get your bread everyday from the baker, you’re probably going to develop some kind of relationship with him.

“Hey Tim, how are the kids?”

For the first time in human history, this interdependence has been obfuscated.

He talks about how women while they had to work all day cleaning the house, cooking and taking care of children got far more time to be social, caretake and volunteer. "Bowling Alone" talked about how this helped with societal connections in past decades. Many times, I have mentioned when I was in my 30s talking to Silent Generation friends in my old rural community, most said life had far better for them than their daughters. Most of my silent generation friends are long deceased now. At least two told me, "Life used to be better!" People weren't so overworked. 

I don't think life was supposed to be like this. He makes a list of changes. Maybe life was meant to be more than just living in an economic prison where life is all about money and work.  The rest of America knows America lost the plot. Even many realize most of the evangelical world seemed to sign on more with predatory capitalism than the actual teachings of Jesus Christ. Some of us discern the AI cage being built and are already being harassed to death and punished for not having money over and over! I've noticed AI and abusive mega corporations abuse those without money most of all, or who need an extra day to pay a bill.  He also talks about how society is rapidly declining. Seriously where is the motive to have children in a world like this, so they will be broke and alone too? Even with those regretful parents, time is so short, you can tell a lot of the regret is pure exhaustion. 

He agrees too.

"Work was meant to supply us with the things we need to live, not be the reason we live.

We have embraced materialism in an effort to be fat and happy, but we only got fat. The world is so inundated with cheap plastic from China that is has entered our brains.

The modern person works more than his ancestors for money that can be endlessly printed. All to come home to an empty apartment in a city full of strangers.

Aren't we overdue long ago for a backlash against all this crap?  Do real countercultures happen instead of sponsored ones by intelligence from Laurel Canyon?  Maybe in real life, think about new ways to do stuff. I try to use small businesses as much as possible. I try to get to know store clerks and others I do business with. I still want to try and find a church that is more old school and follows old ways with social connections. If you can buy something local do it. That's gotten harder but I try. Some new thing may be spending less time online, I will still blog, and getting more involved in local art happenings as my body allows. 

Are more thinking people realizing we need something very different? Where people finally say "ENOUGH!"  to a depersonalized, asocial economic slavery and oppression society. Poor people shouldn't be lonelier. Money shouldn't determine having others in your life. 

 How can we go back to better ways? How can we not let technology rules us or get led by the nose into lives with the soul washed away?  I read my state wants to put a tracker in every car to track your miles and where you go, for the future carbon credits. I told some people on my Facebook, isn't it time we say ENOUGH to this crap. "We don't want to do it!"

We are losing even what it means to be human in this mess. Is money the price of even having human relationships?  Add AI and it's even worse. There are parts of my personality that yearn for the past, and there's definitely a reason for it. With poor people being lonely,  we have to try and reach out to others, and in those things I had some nice things happen. They are throwing up barrier after barrier in front of people. I hope more speak out. We don't have to do things this way nor do we want to. Reach out to any lonely people you run across too. Be social. It's not easy for autistic me always. I don't want to live in a boring technocracy where dollar signs are your whole identity. America is getting to that point. 

Signs of a Failing Society: Disabled People Ending up in Squalor!

The embedding didn't work, watch these reels here:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1439556318033683

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1810790536775229

There's a few updates. The organization helping them and their animals are looking for volunteers to help them both clean.

This is another story of disabled and elderly people living in an apartment or house that has gone into complete squalor. There does seem to be some element of hoarding here but squalor is the main problem. Read through the comments too, and the outrage expressed on there. Most people are angry, and see the son as very lazy, they blame him more than the mother who is very disabled and had a stroke. We are seeing cases like this cropping up all over. 

There are definitely health problems, mental problems and worse. I don't write the guy off automatically as "lazy", that could be depression, chronic fatigue and other illnesses. If his hip hurts enough maybe he can barely stand. Pain can do weird things to people. The weeks when I have muscle and joint problems, I can barely make it to the bathroom. Washing dishes while sitting on a rollator only goes so far. My husband does even more during those weeks. When you can't stand to move [I can walk okay for me this week], life gets very scary. Things go to pot fast. 

They probably could both use rollators.  I wish he could help his mother more if he can, but somethings really wrong with that guy if he's not taking showers.  Part of me is angry thinking someone should have called APS to get help, but as maybe they know how the social services system works. Maybe they did ask for help and no one came. It wouldn't surprise me.

The son mentions being poor, "we run out of money midmonth". The outside world will say you suck at budgeting, but if you have no money or the bills are like Jaws sucking down every dollar what can you do? It does run out. America sucks now with all its expectations, and no money or resources to meet any of them. The more money there is, the more life quality improves. They have made money so short, now many people can't even function.

 I see their situation and think, "Well you need to give up the animals, you killed gerbils letting them starve to death, the dogs aren't happy living in a mess either! Start scrubbing little pieces. Go and clean your mother's wheelchair wheels off! " However, I understand the other side of it. The overwhelm, the too much crap, the hours spent trying to get it clean, but it just never goes far enough and there's always a piece of dirt left. It's like rolling a rock up a hill. Sometimes I scrub and scrub my sink, it's stained, the stains won't come off. It feels like madness. When your body doesn't work, even a few simple movements brings pain. 

You can tell there's a giving up. The son hasn't even showered in months. Does he fit in the shower? How many people with high stage Lipedema like me have told me they can't shower anymore because they can't step over the tub. My tub is lower so I can still get in it. I have to shower because of my skin conditions.

You can see in one of the update videos, the son is covered in caked on dirt. That can't be comfortable. He looks like he is 450lbs or there a bouts though it is hard to tell since he is sitting down. He's not far from nursing home obesity where you can't get up anymore and they got to get the Hoyer out. His weight probably has been affected by his immobility. Hey I got very close. When I was 700lbs I was still young. I'm not judging him. He needs help, whether it's mental or physical combined. 

People give up. They get depressed especially if lonely, poor, sick, and disabled. He looks like he lives for the TV and that giant shelf of DVDS. They escape into fantasy land. They get addicted to the internet. I face internet addiction too.  There's a lot of book reading and making of art in my household, but why are we both spending more times with screens than other humans? I get in these conversations with my husband, "We need to go outside more, we need to find a church--I really can't afford one and I think my dream of finding a church of fellow poor people has died, we need to live life off these screens more"! There's always the practical end. Just leaving the apartment costs money. There's no place to "hang out" except maybe the library, and even our local library got rid of all its magazines and newspapers, I think they are in trouble, so that's not much of an option. We went to the library yesterday for me to print color copies for art projects and get some books. The place looked almost empty. 

Some would say "Get out into the world more!" I want to, it costs MONEY. This one good friend treated me on my birthday, I bought a book, browse some small shops, and got to eat out at a place with waitresses, it was a great day, I felt almost human. It's weird I think a lot of people take doing that kind of stuff for granted. The friend didn't realize how much joy he brought me that day.  You can tell these two haven't been anywhere or done anything in years. There's probably no money to. They probably don't have the mobility to make anything happen. That gets depressing. There may be character problems in refusing to help the Mom, but we don't know what she is like. Is she one of those hoarders who yell if he tries to clean anything? How much pain is the son really in? Is he able to make proper judgements, if you aren't able to bathe yourself at all, you're in bad trouble, whatever the cause. 

Cleaning is so hard even when you do it, you never get it clean enough. Fear motivates a lot of my cleaning. Remember I have people come in here all the time, if it gets too gross, house call doctors could report it. A foot doctor, house call doctors with a nurse and sometimes x-ray technicians and other scanners come in here. We just had maintenance in to fix the sprayer above the sink. You think I want stuck in some home? No way! One told me years ago, a lot of places of the elderly and disabled aren't very clean, and my place is not bad in comparison. 

Old and sick people aren't getting the help they need. I don't get the help I need. My husband does what he can but has health limitations. In this case, they don't have enough to live on or to hire people to clean it. The cleaners want so much money. Only rich people can afford the cleaners, that some of us need even more. We are hitting the point because the billionaires are so damn greedy, the basics of society aren't functioning anymore. Shouldn't a first world nation, maybe it's third world now, more on that later, help the disabled and old clean if they are unable to? Do churches help them? It seems like no one does. 

One thing that troubles me in my own situation is I do little bits and pieces, but it never adds up to being completely clean. I can get it to a non-embarrassing point with the toilet cleaned and the kitchen put together, but it's not sparkling clean. We have to clean for days when those inspections come. Two weeks ago, I spent 2 hours cleaning this one book shelf, and made an entire trash bag from it, and threw some books in an Aldi's bag to take to thrift, so that section got cleaned but it's only one piece. When you are poor you live in small places where there's no room to put anything away, there's no storage areas. You have to get rid of stuff you later miss, because there's no room for it.  There's no nice furniture and bins to hide stuff in. These people seem to have a very large apartment or house, they do have more room.

  I'm spraying bleach cleaner and wiping the toilet at least once a week, and under the tub mat to keep the mildew gone, just to keep friends from getting grossed out and me getting asthma from it. All the cleaners make me wheeze some even that one. Many of us who suck at housework, it's hard, maybe some think we never clean, but living the way those folks do all the smells alone would kill me, so I have no choice. We go through tons of trash bags. Just cooking seems to produce too much trash, endless pepper seeds, boxes and plastic that held the rice noodles, and paper towels to clean up slop. The cost of cleaning supplies is also making things rough. Today I have to buy shampoo, some medical supplies, and more paper-towels. It never ends. Cooking takes up too much time. We are low on groceries this week, somehow that seems to make things harder. Dinner will be cooked chicken thighs, some baked carrots, and rice noodles with green onions.  Lunch for him will be a sandwich, I'm out of gluten free bread but found a little bit of falafel mix, I will probably make with a little rice. The people on this video, you can tell from the trash, no one's cooking, it's take-out. That's expensive. 

People give up. You can tell those two gave up. They probably sleep the day away. There are times I have felt like giving up cleaning. Sometimes I work at it, and there's still so much undone or it's gross. When you have no money, your stuff gets old. I leaned on a plastic bin full of papers and broke the lid, it's still over there broken.

My husband will go clean it if it gets too gross. Smells drive me nuts, a zucchini went off in the fridge, and I almost puked, if I walked in their house, I would be passed out on the ground. What happens for those who get too ill to get up and do anything? I have heard scary stories from friends. One friend with Lipedema could no longer do the stairs in and out of her house. She got stuck in there for at least a year. One lady who is facing would-be homelessness, was ready to pass out just boxing her stuff up. She lives out of state from me. She told me she could not find anyone to help even with bad disabilities. The social workers always say no. The churches all seem to be for rich people who can afford their own cleaners. 

I plan to write on this article too where they did a study saying poor people are lonelier, I'll have more to say about that one. It's coming soon. The article did not surprise me. Sometimes I get frustrated seeing stories like this, normal people are angry, outraged and grossed out. I am grossed out too and mad at him for not doing more for his mother to a degree too but wonder if he really can't do it. At the very least, things are unhealthy on the mental end of things. 

I am always living in fear of my own apartment imploding. This week I kept thinking I need to spray these damn walls and wipe them down rolling around on my walker. Maybe I will get to it today, I don't know. There's always too much crap in here too, but I throw things away and take stuff to thrift constantly. What happened to them could happen to me. Years ago I dropped hints, we can't clean that well, this place needs some heavy-duty intensive cleaning--stuff like scrubbing the floorboards and ledges. Some I asked directly for help.  I wish I let this one lady over during Covid who offered me help for organization but I was still paranoid of "catching Covid" back then. I would ask her again but I left the UU church we were both in. We sometimes get to those during inspections. I did tell husband, I plan to clean out the freezer part of the refrigerator, there's stuff in there I never will eat, I got from food pantries, high sugar crap like frozen fruit, that never digested well and does bad things to diabetics. I may do that before I shower, it will make a heavy trash bag, he will have to lug out. 

We need heavy duty cleaning but really everyone has their own lives, even the thin and healthy people are all overworked to hell and have too much to do. They can't take you on too and clean your place out. I told my husband another inspection could be coming in a few months, we have to scrub some parts of this place ahead of time.  This week I have a list of all this crap I need to buy and bills to pay, some supplements have been put off too long. The black seed oil and one supplement need replaced, they did help me. 

These folks maybe they already got help but went back to a mess but that looks like a long duration.. Some of them who are hoarders may anger people getting their places cleaned out and then returning to the same mess over and over. With some who really could use help, and want the place cleaner maybe they hit barrier after barriers. Maybe they would find out like me, you always make "too much" and they don't really do much for you. His mother is very disabled with a stroke and in a wheelchair. I have had discussions with my husband about how social services is dead and they don't give a crap. There are a few decent charities like our charity garage and my dental program but the reality is, America is on a tear to throw the poor and disabled in a giant trash can. Let's be realistic about things. 

The animal thing pisses me off, how could you let gerbils just starve to death, or dogs poop up your house. I am allergic to animals but I would never own one, because of my own limitations of taking care of it. If I'm housebound in 100 degrees, Rover's not getting walked. Rover would have to be rehomed. Gerbils, though sheesh, all you had to do was fill the water bottle and throw them some pellets or maybe some left overs. You can go to prison for animal abuse and should. The lack of care there and letting animals suffer makes me angry. That does show immense mental illness and maybe personality disorders. 

Something is going really wrong with society. Extended families used to help take care of this kind of stuff, there's too many disabled and elderly people ending up living in filth. You know I get scared of getting more disabled you know or ever being on my own.  My abusive family never helped me with any cleaning even during times I was really sick. I couldn't get a ride from one of them except one time in 2005 I talked my mother into one to visit her relatives and that was a nightmare. You can't get caretakers. They don't let you. You are either rich and can pay the 25 dollars an hour for the private aide, and they require a set schedule and a certain number of hours or you are destitute poor--live in a subsidized housing because with the income-cut offs, you'd be homeless anyway to get any state help.

As everyone knows here I have written about how hard it is for me to clean. I suck at it. ADHD and my body makes it hard. I used to ask churches to help me that I was in, some would help us move or with time dependent projects, one church lady bleached down my bathroom but there was always so much work, it's like we got only little pieces of it done. Everything costs money to do like cleaning the carpets and buying things to make organization neater. I keep having to put off buying two plastic bins to store some art supplies. Cardboard boxes don't look so great. There are really no charities to help. I found out years ago; no charity organizations will help disabled people move. You either have friends or you don't get help. Thankfully we have some friends.  Even if you are horribly disabled, there's no one to do deep cleaning of your apartment unless you have a few hundred bucks laying around and even if you do get a little bit of savings, you hold on to those for dear life, should the car break down or an emergency crops up. 

My husband does the laundry, and dishes often. He will scrub up the floors from time to time too.  I cook on a rollator, I can stand to do the eggs now a little bit on a good day, I try to pick up crap in here. Time races by always. I'm always watching the clock, "You got to get up", it spins like a speed dial, "your medicine is due", "you have to clean your CPAP", "its time to do your lungs". A lot of the regular world sees the disabled as "lazy" but they don't realize how much work it takes to stay alive. I write most of these articles over days, with chunks written here and there. I'm watching the clock now, knowing I have to get my lung medicine in and shower soon.

This seems to be happening more and more. People can't maintain their houses or clean or live properly anymore. What is happening? In my opinion this shows the absolute failure and decline of this society. Why didn't anyone ever help these people earlier? One can blame bad character or "laziness" but why is this happening so often? Why are there old people living in such squalid conditions? Why don't people help each other anymore? Why is everything so disconnected? Why are the social workers failing on such a cataclysmic scale? Is modern society making the disabled and elderly crack up easier and unable to function with all its demands and distractions? 

Some say, "Ask for help!", there's really no help out there unless you got the cash for it. Sometimes I mull over asking a church for heavy duty cleaning help but I've been turned down before. I have told my husband, "No Calvary is coming, we have to suck it up and do what we can". Is that a weird way for me to view life? Is this life in a functional society? I have an old couch in here, I need to get out of here. Neither of us can lift it. It's either 100 bucks to get some hauling company to carry it out to the trash, or we have to figure out a way to disassemble it and take it out in pieces. I own a hatchet, I bought on some prepping frenzy saying if the power went out at least I could chop up some sticks and use the outside apartment grills for cooking. Maybe we could use that, but maybe the couch sucks so much we can succeed in pulling it apart. It broke down so easily.

I guess he's still sitting on it so not as enamored of getting rid of it yet though it's like sitting on a sinking lumpy ship. They don't allow people the proper money to function. What if your body is imploding and everything causes pain? What if you have to push yourself so much, you get headaches and cry about housework a lot, because your body and brain don't want to cooperate?  I don't live anywhere near how those two do. They gave up maybe having worse to deal with or not, and I haven't, but I know there's really no help out there anymore. Why do we all have to be rich to afford cleaners? What madmen designed this system? This is only going to get worse. 


My articles on Cleaning

"The Dangers of Belonging"

 This video is an interesting one, since he talks about the "dangers of belonging". He also talks about those who keep their real views secret and those who feel lonely in a crowd. That's a theme I've addressed on this blog multiple times. 

 There's an age you get to where you just get tired of trying to fit yourself in other people's boxes and just don't feel like doing it anymore. That happened to me. Some of us may have a few friends, but are semi-recluses. We are tired. Maybe you get smarter about things and know "trying" so much just sucks up energy. Invest energy in those you can be yourself around even if it's fewer people. 

I relate to this guy too who tells people  "Stay Inside". There are those warnings now as society falls apart. Don't go looking for trouble. A lot of people are not doing well lately. Find your peace and safety! One guy told him, "You need to go outside more, don't live in fear!" One needs balance. If one lives in a rough neighborhood, advice like this would be more imperative. I've been there.

Some groups are fine and there's still some I belong to like my art club but in art you are allowed to be more of an individual, maybe that's why it works.

 There is loneliness if you are around people who expect conformity and obedience. This is what I started to hate about the left, there was this long checklist that you were expected to meet, and if you didn't, you were out. It happens on both sides. Many of us are tired of that. 

The vlogger says "If changing your mind means losing your community, then I think ignoring facts is only part of what you are dealing with than you might be also losing friendships."  Relationships definitely changed for me when people knew I disagreed with certain things and changed my mind about others. We all need to develop being true to ourselves and God too. Truth-tellers don't have an easy time in this world. The Covid debacle was so over the top to me and against every value, I couldn't "go along to get along". There are no regrets in my refusal to accept any of it. 

He's right about the group preferring you when you weren't an individual. Why should I follow ANY group over a cliff? Sometimes I get disturbed, I messed up religion so badly for instance, but then groups I was in were horrifying me, like that church I walked out of that was praising war and preaching the poor deserved to suffer. My beliefs were different at the last church and some of those had changed. That's one hardship, you change, but people aren't ready to accept the "new you". 

There are people you discover where you are just on a different page. Some grow past others. Some discover new things about themselves. Some are ready for something different instead of doing the same thing over and over. Experience is a teacher that brings new views and outlooks.  No contact can change an ACON. There are moral issues and ones about life, we don't see the same way on. I hate gambling so I'm not going to hang out at the casino. I'm a marriage traditionalist so won't be hanging out at the bar flirting. 

Many of us in narcissistic families were never allowed to have our own beliefs or opinions, they were mocked, ignored and reacted to with derision. It took me years to learn the art of disagreement. With narcissists, you were either in or out, aka you had to agree with everything they said! He's right the advice when you are told "Just be yourself." is loaded when "everyone else thinks you're a piece of shit" if you do just that. "Be yourself" was kind of abusive to autistics who could get beaten up just doing that!  I don't have to share everything with everyone. Keeping things light in certain situations is better. However, it's a game changer too as I've mentioned multiple times, to decide to feel and think what you want to feel and think. Don't waste time bowing and scrapping and faking things to people to get them to like you. It is always a waste of time. 

Maybe some of us face the facts that being true to ourselves and God means not following the group, the propaganda. Some of us don't want to "sell out". This doesn't mean go looking for fights. Peace is far more important. One lesson I had to learn is I don't have to share my beliefs with everyone or go looking for debates and fights. Let people believe what they want to, you just don't have to follow it. Stand up against evil as you can or if someone is trying to cross your boundaries or make demands you refuse. There's a point, where you want free of the control, shame and constant feeling of walking on eggshells. 

Maybe losing my entire family just for being me, gave me a certain immunity against social ostracization. The worse has already happened, your name was made into mud. If you've been rejected over and over, yes examine yourself for faults, but also look at who is doing the rejecting and why. If you are weird, you are you, it's not like you are going to wake up and be someone else. That's one other conclusion to come to.  Maybe you are too much for them but let's all stop shrinking ourselves smaller to please others. If I want to do experimental art or spend my time reading books, it doesn't hurt anyone else. 

 He mentions those who have "echo chambers" and how some people are being pushed out, no longer listened to and about the dangers of that stuff. Hey the corporate and money masters, are manipulating society on so many levels now. He's right about people being silenced. It's increased the social problems out there big time. 

He ends with warnings about becoming the loner who lives at the edge of town and having nothing to do with anyone. He is right isolation can be trouble too. I'm too isolated of a person, but some of that is not by choice, without the medical and money problems I'd be out and about far more. I have some friends , but run into people who have no friends.  Cults go looking for the lonely and disenfranchised that want a place to belong. Those of us who had families that rejected us, we can be in danger of always searching for that "belonging". 

Some of his commenters point out how sick this society is, I agree. Maybe the ones of us who reject it are the healthier ones. We are social animals and still need people but considering how toxic and corrupt this society is, that's something to face. 

One guy named dansthemansmial wrote "Unfortunately as a person becomes aware and begins to see the things that everyone else desperate won't, the desire to belong quickly goes out the window. You can only belong if you willingly just go with the herd."

There is that element now, and it's grown stronger. One can't put the horse back in the barn and refuse to see what has already been seen right in front of their face. 

There is something to be said for the fact people are questioning some of this social stuff now. Who am I outside of the group? What is safe to show others? Why do I outgrow groups or end up leaving or struggle with integrity and other issues so much in groups? One asks is it me or them? "To thine own self be true" and follow your conscience is my advice. 

Super Old Lady Bugs Old Lady to Get Back in Line!

 

                 All of this meme is very accurate, the hoovering is about portraying herself as "abandoned victim" who "tried" 

This may surprise everyone but after almost 13-14 years of being gone, I am still hoovered! Hoovering is when an ex-scapegoat goes no contact, and the narcissists or other abusers try to "suck" them back into the morass. I didn't post for some years about various hoovering attempts, it was better to ignore them. I decided to stop writing about it on here to ignore them more. I decided to write this so I can tell people that this can continue very late in the game and to warn others. There were multiple attempts. She sent a few cards that went to the wrong address, and there was the event I describe below, but the last phone calls were in 2015 until the month of May with the "anniversary call", this week, we got multiple phone calls. 

Outside of one cousin who called me to tell me he was divorced, I haven't heard from any other family member in almost 10 years. I went no contact with the last of them in 2017. No one has attempted contact, or written a letter or sent a card or gift, or even told me off outside of the one call from the divorced cousin. I wrote all nieces and nephews who were old enough before no contact and asked the one niece to visit me when she could, but none had anything to do with me either. 

This makes it even creepier that she is the ONLY one that has bothered me. Does she control everyone so much, they are scared to contact the only one who got away? She had turned most of them against me or distance made them no longer interested. Well we really have no relationships. I don't have a relationship with her, so why bother me?

 Somehow she found our number. The phone is shut off today, he may get it back on. Later he told me it may need a repair and wasn't shut off.  Maybe she will call it while it's off and think we have moved. I hope so.

This is the landline he uses for work, we debate shutting off for good but he has kept it for work. They are the double-dipping phone company I mentioned in the last article. She called me 4 times in 24 hours according to Caller ID. I've been gone so long, she doesn't even know I am deaf, and can't hear the phone ring. She is really old so I was surprised she wasn't in the nursing home. It was a residential number. 

In 2023 my name was in a local paper [not her town] for a hobby related event and she showed up. I wasn't there. She scared the people there, so much so they shared her picture around and said "Watch out for this woman!". This had to do with strange things she said.

This event was a positive in my life, and she sought to undermine me. She said double-talk stuff to insult me. It was so over the top, I wondered if she was losing it back then! It was kind of like a repeat of the book contest as a child. Ex-Scapegoat gets positive attention, and she has to come run and mess it up and try to turn people against the ex-scapegoat. This failed thankfully in this case, as I had some smart and truly kind people around me who believed me. I never had contact with her even during all this, but I was put in the position to warn others about her! I never wrote about this event, because I wanted to focus on the positive things at the time. It still is mostly a fond memory.

After this she seemed to retreat some, there was only a yearly card, I thought, "Well she's moved on". I never broke contact, or contacted her or anyone else. What was there to say? I said it all in my no contact letter. Sure, for years I had fantasies of tell-offs, but I already lost enough tell-off times where she simply didn't care. What is interesting in my no contact letter I told her, she could write me and if she actually talked to me, I may respond. I never had been talked to in any real way in my entire life by this woman. My expectation was that it never would happen and it did not. That email was emptied out this year. Thankfully I stored some needed correspondence elsewhere. I neglected it so much in the last few years. I still have the address but was annoyed they erased all my emails the last time I was there. [Hmm add that to the bad companies list, no one told me]

from my no contact letter:

" You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."

So if some estranged parents want to whine and cry about their no contact adult children who leave no way to contact them, I left the door open a teeny crack. No email was ever written. That's the interesting thing about my egg donor and her personality structure. Her number one rule is "Never open up". I've talked about over the years, some of my analysis of her. How she never showed vulnerability or fear in her entire life and was incapable of introspection or even emotions that normal humans have like nostalgia. There truly was nothing to work with there. Absolutely nothing! When your mother is your first bully, often that's an archenemy formed for life until you escape. 

It's troubling to me, because while I write about ACON stuff here, it will be naturally brought up more. I am glad I can talk about some of the crazy stuff here too. Writing it all down does help me try to make sense of the insanity.  This blog does get very good traffic, and I hope it has helped others dealing with these issues all these years. There's been over 4 and half million views of this blog over the years. The monthly numbers are pretty good. I don't make money here, it's just writing I like doing, in bed from time to time, but I hope there's other ACONS and supersized people I have helped over the years. 

In real life, I just went on, and well, you are focused on other things and don't want reminded of the past or have someone pop up who you used to be afraid of like a monster. It feels pathetic to be THIS OLD, and I am almost ready for the senior center, having psycho Mommy track me down. It's weird. She never liked me. When I was still TRYING, I used to ask her to visit me and would go visit her, while being very ill and broke. My brother claimed he even told my sister and mother to stop blowing me off and driving by my apartment without stopping. I don't know if I believe that, he never defended me once in front of my face. Maybe he thought it, but it never happened. 

Some other ACONS claimed on their websites and boards that the narcissists would hunt you down like a dirty dog for the rest of your life unless you moved far away where they didn't know what town you were in. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed. Thank God for information online years ago to escape this mess.

With the creeps, I had to assume the worse to protect myself and they did fulfill the worse of indifference, hatred, lack of boundaries, disrespect and coldness. Fog and Fantasy time were over, I had to face the truth of their disdain and disrespect for me. As I wrote many times, I realized I never had a family, I didn't lose anything walking away. No contact isn't easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and to stay alive. I had been invisible for years as they told me how "busy" they were over and over. The push and pull of constant "rejection" but being bothered were unusual. 

The weirdness of these attempted contacts are even creepier then. They didn't want me around when I was around. I was left out of endless events, disinvited from family events and parties. She was embarrassed of my weight and refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. Here is even one creepier thing, some may ask "Why don't you get the law involved?" She seems to know the harassment laws, hey remember she knows I went to paralegal school, she kept the attempted contacts intermittent enough for me not to pursue those avenues. Sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for a year or 18 months at a time which was just fine by me. The less the better.

 I would think maybe she's finally moved on but she would pop up again like a ground hog on crack. Ground Hog Day would be repeated over and over. I ignore her, and never respond, but she got my husband on the phone in May [no phone calls since 2015!] and he didn't recognize her voice, and was in a bothered mood doing a work project. She continued with the same cold weird lines, she said "Happy Anniversary" in this weird sarcastic tone and hung up him! That line reminded me of the one-line cards that would show up, that basically said nothing or questioned my "perceptions".  I mean it when nothing is really said. Remember when I used to post about her weird cards? Those stopped thankfully but she does not know my address but obviously knows my general area with the phone calls.

Five Hundred Pound Peep: Why is She Wasting Her Time and Stamp?

Five Hundred Pound Peep: She Owns the Family

 I often wanted to move from this area, some can read my old housing posts on here but it didn't work out. I planned to disappear when I moved and leave no trails even to feel more safe. It just didn't pan out. If I had it to do over I would have gone a lot further away when I was young. There are things I like here and medical care I need so be it. 

The odd thing is I don't understand the motives of all this. Maybe those ACONS saying they'd hunt you down like a dirty dog were right. She is very old now. I am getting old. I am not the same person, if I was in a room with any of these people, probably 5 minutes would pass and I would be raising my middle finger and walking out. My husband and I got into this long conversation about the fact we put up with too much crap from people. His family wasn't as severe as mine but there were some negative dynamics there too such as when his father was always making him pay his bills when he was still living at home and charging as much as he could. One example was renting too expensive of a car, when his father's car broke down instead of a more economical one. I said, "We put up with way too much crap!" He nodded. It was something we changed, and we built better boundaries. They probably would be in shock. I wouldn't be the scared scapegoat kissing their ass and patting down everything to 'stay nice", I know what they are now.

 I also don't believe in the system like they do. I would lay down money that my entire family lined up to do Fauci's bidding. Maybe a few Republicans like Uncle Narcissist got angry and quit getting boosters after the first or second dose, but chances are, I'm the only one who said No. I know my brother got it, Trumpster or not from a friend who saw "I got my Covid vaccine" stuff on his Facebook.

By the way, their hatred and rejection of me, will pan out in their lives in other ways, remember Celiac Disease and Lipedema are GENETIC. Many of them do have bad health, and there's at least two young family members who show signs of Lipedema, but no one listened to me about having it. I told all parties when I left including my mother and sister in the no contact letter about Lipedema, but because I was so ignored and invisible, no one will address these medical issues. My mother in all her attempted contacts never mentioned it. Why would she? It puts her abuse of me for being fat in a far different light. She had no empathy or understanding.

Why keep contacting me then?

1. The rest of the family chose her, I am no threat to any of the rest of the relationships in the family. She's the bee knees, and I am long ago forgotten about. We are all strangers. The nieces and nephews want nothing to do with me. I reached out to all before leaving, and asked on niece directly to come visit me when she could. She never did.  Unless they got sick of her crap and exited to stage left, they were all on her team. Many served as enablers to her and always did her bidding. Why bother the "troublemaker" then? I haven't heard from one family member since 2017 except for the divorced cousin and even with the divorced cousin, the phone call was so awkward where he asked nothing about me, I felt like the phone call probably had been ordered by my mother, to make sure I would not strike an alliance with his ex. I barely knew the woman. 

2. Some ACONs especially older ones, talked about how they were manipulated or messed with to take on caretaking for very elderly narcissistic parents. It is often a role scapegoats are manipulated into especially if they do not heal or don't manage to go no contact or escape. I think back to that cousin who told me off and threatened me, the one who went on about my lux life next to the lake and told me I should be sleeping with the fishes.  My life probably is a lot better then hers even being disabled. She was her mother's caretaker for at least 20 years up to the time I left. She probably was a caretaking scapegoat, she worked in a factory and was poor while her brother rose up the union ranks, and had his children marrying multimillionaires. Before I went no contact with them, both of them complained to me, that the newly married nieces and grandchildren who married the multimillionaires were ostracizing them and they didn't even know the address of one.  Anyhow that motive for hoovering would not apply to my situation. 

 I can't caretake anyone. I need caretaking at my level of disability and am barely staying out of the nursing home myself. I am deaf with bad balance on a walker, I can barely walk one fourth of a city block without multiple rests. I'm sick all the time, I dry heaved from a migraine yesterday though I got better later in the day and was able to eat.  I'm not caretaking anyone.

3. She always considered me an embarrassment. I was hidden from friends and others in the community. She told me herself, when I feared I would be homeless soon, "Well, you're not coming here!" and she told me she didn't even want me to move to her town! She refused to be seen in public with me for 20 years due to my severe obesity. Didn't I do her a favor in walking then? It is so strange and psychotic. Why would you "want" someone back in your life you've always hated? Leave me alone!

4. Maybe I have stayed the scapegoat in absentia. The smear campaigns probably reached epic proportions but I wasn't around to know. I cut off even the most obscure family friend. The person who saw my brother's vaxx signs on his Facebook was an online friend who had no connection to my family. I don't know if anyone else new became the scapegoat. I do think the goldens since they live far away, probably aren't investing the time in someone growing more elderly and maybe she's lost the ability to travel and get around, I simply don't know. I don't care. I just don't want to be bothered. I don't want reminded. I'm done. It's over. The whole mess. I was done trying in 2013. There's nothing there for me.

One will note with a nauseous feeling is that the narcissists never learn, or grow or change their tactics. It's the same old crap over and over. One lady on an ACON board told me, they don't quit until they are gone. Some ACON websites always warn they will hoover for CONTROL even for decades. I remember those warnings. They are serving me now. Otherwise I never could make sense of any of this.

Ollie Matthews once called narcissists "Terminators" years ago. He warned people you can't reason and you can't argue with it. That applies! It's good I got these warnings from other ACONS. Let this article be a warning to others too. You can be disabled, even start getting old yourself and they can still hoover you! Just stay away, and don't react. Ignore them.

One lady wrote me on an ACON board, "She wants CONTROL of YOU." That's it in a nutshell. That made sense to me. I've given nothing but silence. The scapegoating served her, she can't let go of it. 
They use scapegoats to blame, and to dump all their trash on, and I believe this continues even long after we get out and walk away. They don't change or grow so you see them still floundering like a fish, like a broken machine on repeat saying and doing the same things. That's the creepy thing about all this. They are like robots stuck on a repeating tape.

 I told my husband I think she does these intermittent contacts so she can claim to the others falsely that she cares. It is to preserve her image that she was a "caring" mother and that the scapegoat is the problem, and was evil from the get-go. I wrote about how empty the cards were and the one line crap years ago, but the message in the cards didn't matter, it was so she could make the appearance of and tell others: "I am a loving mother, I tried to contact her and she refused to talk to me". She is invested in keeping the same poisonous and rotten system going even to the bitter end. Since my family operated like a cult, the outsiders must always be shamed, punished and "kept track of". I was warned years ago by other ACONS and this protected me, I am thankful to them all. These type of toxic parents do not change, and these things will keep going on repeat. 

I used to feel more fear during these times. Now I am annoyed, but at least I was prepared in some ways for what I would be dealing with. I do have to think of safety issues and I know I wish after this many years it still wasn't happening. 

I remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't have to. That's it. I never have to deal with her again if I don't want to. She's like the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, all blather and emptiness. There's nothing there. She never knew me, or cared to. She's empty. She's like a machine on repeat, that's the scary thing about all this but since human emotions aren't present, what do I expect?    `
The only thing I can do is just stay away, which I am doing and will continue to do. 

There's no real Connection or Communication Talking to Narcissists!

 

Lise did an article on the poor communication one can have with narcissists. 

I thought this article was very interesting:

Misadventures with Angry Alcoholics, Bullies and Narcissists: If people don't want to hear what you have to say, it is normal for you to not want to hear what they have to say either. Comes with a discussion on narcissism

As I have written about the failed relationships with my family, there were no real relationships. One cannot be formed with people who take absolutely no interest in you and who do not care about your thoughts and feelings. You don't matter.  There's no real sharing or connection there. 

One pattern I noticed with my family is how nervous they got at anything I said, they'd always change the subject or literally ignore what I said. The underlings got so nervous, they'd shut me down too fearing the queen and her higher minions would be displeased. This happened over and over for years and you can see me write about these things on multiple articles.

Five Hundred Pound Peep: I couldn't talk to any of you!

They never told me anything from their end or shared anything meaningful. For some years before I gave up and walked, I went on a campaign to "get to know" my relatives to make things "better" between I and them. That was wasted effort. Some people truly are empty shells where no one is home.

One can try everything calm rational speaking to screaming and cussing to the written word, trust me, they still won't listen. If you are the scapegoat, they don't care what you have to say they have been trained by the head narcissists to discount everything you say. Some ACONS can struggle for years thinking "I will finally get them to listen to me!" "I will write them a tell-off letter!" I know even if mine found this blog, they would simple dismiss it with a wave of their hand. "She's crazy!".

There are fantasies that if you put forth the exactly correct words, like the Bible calls the Word of God as quick, powerful, and sharp, that you can pierce even the worse narcissist's soul. Trust me you can't. They don't care. They won't care. Even if you say the most cutting words on the planet, they simply will turn away as if they did not hear it. I'm actually good at verbal warfare IRL if angry enough. Hey all of us especially with narcissistic mothers were trained to find the weaknesses even if our temperaments didn't want to hurt others. We know what they dive bombed for immediately. Sometimes I have to scale this stuff back. I delivered a few whoppers, room shutting down, going silent, they cut so quick even with my mother, but remember the coward monkey's will lick her boots and she will simply ignore you even if you were right!

 With the college friends I walked away from one reason I ended those friendships was a feeling of invisibility.  You are a reflecting mirror or someone they slum with. One didn't care about the poverty I faced, another didn't listen either and would actually run roughshod over me ignoring all my problems to tell me hers. I remember one instance where I told her I was getting some scary medical tests, this may have been the time, they thought I had a kidney lesion in my 40s, and she totally ignored everything I was saying. The conversations are one-sided, you feel constantly frustrated and that's a sign something is very wrong. 

Lise wrote:

"* Your brain tends to perceive some form of "rejection" from people who do not want to hear what you have to say. 

* Emotional distance starts to happen. Unless establishment of "caring about the other's views and feelings" has been established in most other conversations, you will start to distance yourself from that person. In other words, disagreements have to be rarer than agreements, otherwise you will not feel connected or understood. 

* If there is a chronic inability to listen to you, people start to distrust others who do not listen to them. 

* Respect for the person who will not listen to you begins to fade and can create "a fading away" of the relationship as well. 

Lise describes how the relationships will cease here. There is no emotional closeness because one is never listened to. These people didn't care about our views, opinions and more. I noticed even in text messages which were easier to look back on then phone calls, since the print was right there, that I was discounted always. No one cared about my views, even if I agreed with them. One thing I noticed even when it came to views, there was instance sell-outing to keep my mother happy so people would turn their backs on formerly held views to agree with hers. You can't depend on people with no principles! There's no place to form good memories or trust. Respect definitely will be lost. This is a good list. 

Some may say going no contact long term is like "erasing yourself" but then we weren't allowed to be present there in the first place. We only cemented what was already true. Don't waste your time. I was talking to walls. They also on their end never talked to me of anything of depth. My mother was a stranger who did nothing but withhold from me.

As life went on, I didn't work so hard on conversations anymore, once people did that shut down crap with me, I would walk away. Why bother? It was useless. Life is short and if you can't get anything out of someone don't bother, they got the door shut against you, and don't knock too long! That's how I am now, just don't bother anymore. Life can change a lot for a an ex-scapegoat who doesn't care about fitting in anymore or seeking "belonging". We still do lose out, we don't have the connections other's enjoy, that were formed over decades but at least we aren't banging our head on that brick wall of narcissistic obstinance anymore.

 I went through various "hurts". It hurt me in some organizations, that I was literally silenced such as when I got censored by a disability zoom group I was in. Every ACON knows what this feels like, this silencing and this invisibility. I walked out of that group immediately, shut the computer down and was done. Once people disrespect you, or don't listen and you have stood up for yourself, it's often time to go. Even with "family". I sometimes laugh at these estranged parent websites, they put up posts complaining about ACONS and scapegoats who escaped and claim that the ones who were left want communication. No, one reason we left is no one would listen or would take seriously what we had to say good or bad in many cases. 

One part of the onion I deal with is feeling invisible to the world and moving like a ghost in the world. These are feelings of not even seen or acknowledged by anyone. Maybe these are fleas. The narcissists around me competed for constant attention. Today I try to acknowledge others especially the quiet ones in the room now who aren't sucking down attention like an unplugged drain. For me, charisma and charm are now red flags. There's a reason I avoid people like that now. If someone is too popular, that can be a warning sign though a few truly nice people can win over a group. 

Over the years, due to my endless bad examples, I had to learn to listen better myself, with autism, theory of mind is very hard. It is hard for me to understand the motives of others. Most lives I don't understand. Mine was so strange I have no points of comparison.  A lot about people remain a mystery to me. I have empathy for people but I had to work on my own listening skills and make sure I took their desires, needs and opinions into account. Society went crazy circa 2020 where people all got this idea they shouldn't be friends with anyone who disagrees with them and that made things rough. All the divisions, I realized I didn't want to live in an echo chamber, it was boring. Some find it odd, that I have friends who are Q and conservatives to extreme liberals on Facebook. That's just the way I am. I don't mind some debate. Not everyone has to agree with me on everything for me to friends with them. This is not a direction that is a positive one for society.

One thing you will notice when you are around narcissists is how boring it is. Yes it is boring. BOREDOM is a red flag. They are so utterly and completely dull as a beige wall.  I'm a person who loves to explore ideas, which is freaking kryptonite to narcissists.

There's no connection, meeting of the minds or even ability to hash out ideas or test theories. Such things piss them off. They keep everything at the surface level. There are organizations I ended up leaving that kept everything at the surface or silenced people at a certain level. This included some churches I ended up leaving. Even in church a person wants to be "heard" and seen as an individual, and if you are not, why even be there? I have noticed the organizations I remember with fondness from one church to other groups including an art club, are places where I felt seen and heard but also ones where people shared of themselves too instead of keeping masks on and being detached.

Lise sums up the poor communication with narcissists here.

Narcissists do not understand this principle because they rarely listen to others, or they "listen and distort". Everything is filtered according to whether the other person is providing the right kind of narcissistic supply they crave, and whether the other person can be "thought-controlled" by the narcissist. 

They also consider their voice, their opinions, and their viewpoint to be the most important in any relationship. - that link says they look at what they have to say as "the law". Once a narcissist thinks they know you, conversations become one-sided (they dominate the conversation). They invalidate - differing opinions and insights are not considered, and they deem them wrong, irrational and disrespectful of them. They maintain rigid, harsh opinions and try to condition you to be quiet or to remain quiet when they are opinionating, making decisions for you or the two of you, deciding how to narrate their dominant position over you.  They also condition you to be quiet lest they rage, create a conflict, or dismiss you over your difference of opinion. 

Narcissists care most about their self-image. That's one thing I noticed that always came first, and they would adjust narratives or shut down conversations that did not enhance their image. They also love to dumb things down. If there are smart people in the room, that alone will anger narcissists and "controllers".

A lot of them spend time bragging or humble bragging and they often turn things into a competition. They will distort. Some of the narcissists were so extreme, that I was around, you never got a turn to talk. Now autistics can suck at group conversation, we interrupt, can't get the timing thing right, but ever try to talk to a person where you can't get a sentence in edge wise or they change the subject every time you open your mouth? That was my brother as one example. Once I had hadn't seen him in 5 years or so, and we were on this visit and while he talked about his life, he took no interest in mine. I never could get a word in edgewise. One time in frustration I simply walked away. I was bored too.

My mother had the ability to charm groups, she was always the one heading the office parties bringing in fancy foods. My brother had that ability for charm too, he never was lonely or lacking for friends, his house or apartment was always the local hang-out. While some mocked him and weren't always respectful this is not someone who ever went without a circle of people around him. Sometimes I get troubled, why do people gather around narcissists like this? What makes them so popular? All the love bombing for their favorites? Some of these human dynamics are just gross. I've seen it in too many groups. The charming narcissists ruling by degrading others and kissing the asses of a few minions who help serve as enforcers to the status quo. 

They always have to be the ones who shine the brightest in the room. Many soak up attention like a sponge. I've seen this in groups where one or two people do all the talking and the rest go into silence, it happens way too often for my liking. One always has an opinion, and because they dominate yours are left in the dust. I tend to be quiet in groups to the point I believe most people find me "boring". It's probably from a life time surrounded by narcissists. There's a few times I've gotten boisterous usually from being angered and it always shocks people. They don't expect the quiet ones to speak up usually. I kind of hate meetings. I like my art club and other groups I've been in, but I've been to too many bad ones where the narcissists hold court, and my God, most of them love to hear themselves talk!

One gets used to being quiet and the others always hogging the center stage. Human power and dynamics always fascinated me as a observer. Sometimes I just watch and observe. Maybe that weirded some people out but remember my body here, a lot of us disabled are put on the sidelines. A lot of the world does run by "status seeking". This drove me nuts, I used to think why can't we have real communication, thoughts and connection? I often found it frustrating. Narcissists you will see are not interested in any of that. They love the status games. 

It's true they see their opinions, and outlooks the most important. "My word is law", and they often take over entire rooms, and families too. Sometimes you can see dynamics where everyone will run to please the narcissists. It happens too much. This is why we get the worse leaders. Power and control are seen as the highest goods. They do invalidate others and the most talented ones can steer a group into accepting invalidation of anyone who disagrees with them [or exposes them]. They do dominate and use anger, threats, facial expressions, and out and out lies. For them winning is everything and gaining control. It's not about connection. That's why you are wasting your time to try and reconcile or have a meeting of the minds with a narcissist, it's never going to happen! You are never going to wake one up. They don't want to wake up, they like things the way they are. They don't see you, they only see themselves!

These are people with no empathy, and they don't want knowledge or understanding, this is why they shut anyone down seeking either of those things. They want to control the narrative and direct others. In a narcissistic dominant society, there's not going to be much focus on truth, it simply won't exist. Everything will be about manipulation. The rest of the article is really good and goes into how they do thought control, control the narrative, and distort communication. 

This can help everyone detect a narcissist in their midst, notice their conversation, what are they talking about? Do they seek control and guiding the narrative? Do they silence others? Do you feel like you never got to say a word after talking to one? These are all warning signs. If you feel like crap trying to communicate with a narcissist, it's not you, it's them! 

When the Air is Dangerous: Life in a Smoky Dystopia

 

This was the air quality index in my local area the other day. Some people were reporting far higher numbers up to 1000! How do you not die of smoke inhalation at that level? We had a brief reprieve, and then the smoke came back.  It is in the 150s-170s now. I own an air cleaner but I can still smell smoke. The air cleaner is working and I have an extra filter but it only cleans a small space around me. 

Things got really bad, where people could barely see outside with everything enveloped in a poisonous fog. I started getting scared. People are too stoic around here, it's always been tough on me. Maybe everyone has numbed out from the hell we have been put through. This is hell for the chronically ill.  My forehead is burning and ears are ringing bad, all my autoimmune problems go into overdrive. My throat is scratchy and my eyes are swollen, I did get short of breath a few times. I have my emergency albuterol readily available. I can tell COPD causes lethargy, but I think if I was not on a strong COPD medicine I'd already be in the hospital. My husband says his throat is scratchy but has otherwise been okay as far as I can tell.

Enough about me and my problems.....how many people have died up in Canada or had their houses burn down? How many elderly or more advanced COPD people are dying in hospitals now? Some people hit 1000 in their air quality index! There are probably a lot of people who have died. Is anyone going to tell us?  The "normie" narrative now is that "drought" has made the forests tinder wood and "global warming" has done it, and now we must ACCEPT hellish summers full of wildfire smoke and extreme humidity and heat and do what our masters tell us to solve the problem---[that they caused]. Forget it! There's far more to the story.

This has to do with poor forest management, and the corporate practice of spraying forests with glyphosate. They spray the forest for profit reasons. They want the small trees and other plants out of there so they can cut down the big trees easier! Problem is it takes out the fire-break trees and dries them up. Imagine the impact on animals and the forest as a whole. There are Canadian groups on social media fighting this like Stop the Spray Canada!

One can ask too if the forests were all sprayed with this crap, what more is in the smoke we have been breathing for two weeks?

The feigned helplessness is disgusting too, sadly most people are fooled by a narrative that basically says this is from drought and climate change. Do you remember all those climate lock-downs some of us warned about? Many said that was coming after Covid.  Get ready for those carbon credits, basically another tax, they will foist on the poor, and now people can't afford their basic bills. They won't count Billionaire Bob's jet exhaust, but your sandwich and demand more money and control from you just for eating!

UK has put carbon scores on sandwiches

What do you think all those data centers could be for? To count up your carbon scores? People have no idea the foolishness and oppression that awaits. 

Some of us are old enough to know we went for DECADES where forest fire smoke was extremely rare, in coming down from Canada. Why? They used to put fires out. They had native peoples managing the land. The way they wrote the rules and more all of this was STOPPED, they weren't allowed to manage the land anymore. They managed the forests for years and were thwarted from doing this which increased the risks of huge fires. This started years ago!

Indigenous Communities Lead Way to Boreal Forest Protection

click on all pictures to enlarge.

One thing I have noticed is many of the climate change disciples don't care about this! Misguided policies STOPPED the Native peoples from managing the forests which prevented the forest fires for years! When it comes to trigger issues like "climate change", sadly many are naive and ignorant of how these scare tactics will be used, after all if people are choking on smoky air every summer, getting the public to accept carbon credits, Agenda 21 and climate lock-downs, sure will be a lot easier. 

As the elite terra-form the earth, destroy native cultures and set up their 15 minute cities, the brainwashed who believe everything they are told will make it easy for them. I wrote about these issues on my social media, and some of the "climate change" people got really angry. They wrote me things with excuses like the forests were too big for them to put out the fires, I got the creepy feeling like they wanted the forests to burn so they could virtue-signal about "climate change". Most ignored the concerns and what happened to the indigenous people in Canada or about the forests being sprayed. I find a lot of the "green" world phony. I got one friend who is honest about ecology and who really cares about it to see some of these issues, but most just got mad.

This quote sums up a lot to me about the phony crap going on especially when it comes to the left. I was pissed off to see the liberals and even right wing going to their two camps, "divide and conquer' always works for these would be land grabs and globalist crap. One friend got mad at me, and told me to "shut my windows and to shut up and move"! I had been in tears that day as the air hit the 300s here and wondering if I would have to go to the hospital. I was able to get things together using my air cleaner but it was very scary. There's not much empathy out there anymore. I'm supposed to be a good slave and not question a system that has set up so much horrific destruction. How many people died up in Canada? How many elderly, homeless, and others in America with chronic diseases suffered?

from the book "Against the Machine" by Paul Kingsworth. He defines the Machine as the "technological matrix encompassing us all" and warns against AI and other matters in this book. 

Page 41

"But today's milder forms of resistance are quickly co-opted too. The once radical green movement, in which I cut my teeth, has been transformed into a Machine accelerant. A movement which began by calling for more simplicity and slowness, closeness to nature and simple living has mutated into a crusade to coat wild landscapes with glass and metal, abolish farming, industrialise the global food supply, track and trace our consumption patterns and promote a vision of "sustainability" that would make any Fortune 500 company smile. Feminism which began as a movement calling for the equal treatment of women, has become a device for filling the workforce with females while eroding the inconveniently un-Machine-like family unit. As for that "social justice" movement that keeps conservatives awake at night: its 'radicalism' just happens to be Machine-shaped."

I've talked about this before, how everything gets co-opted and how the end results are people being corralled into supporting the globalist's desires and wants, and it always has to do with profit and ruining people's natural life and happiness. I was in shock on my social media, as I was having these discussions how many liberal friends didn't care about what was happening to the Native people's or how the forests were being sprayed and basically poisoned. It used to be a liberal thing to care about ecology. Some sincere friends still do care about it but I've seen these changes and they are all disturbing. Everything is about obedience to the powerful and some don't even seem to care how they have destroyed the lives of millions. They seem ready to choke on the air every summer, let the old and weak just drop I guess and people burn up in rural communities so the corporations and elites can get their way. This seems almost spiritual, as people seem to desire a society of control, and no more forests. 

It reminds me of a bible prophecy, Rev 11:18 about "those who would destroy the earth"

I doubt they helped the poor, with this guy, but he's right about the academic brainwashed environmentalists not getting it right and dismissing the First Nations people. 

These types will never admit failure either. Hmm reminds me of Covid and that mess. More death and destruction and arrogant types who want to lord over others, as things fall apart and people die!

Here corporate greed with a sold out government are all married together. The indigenous people of Canada have suffered from these fires immensely. Many lost their homes, villages and some lost their lives.

Always money for war overseas while not taking care of business here. Many don't get that the FAILURE is intended. They buy their excuses. 

Billions of dollars sent overseas and have you noticed there is never any money to take care of business at home or to help a country right next to us? Most people are too naive to ask, or even question, "Maybe they want the forests to burn..." since obviously they are doing as little about it as possible. Did you know Canada laid off endless firefighters and has no national fire fighting force? Sadly, most believe the nonsense. We go from zero to 60, a natural occurring event would be fires gradually increasing, we would not have 50-60 years of being smoke-free with a few rare events like in the 1950s, to having 4 summers in a row of choking on smoke. 

Remember those who want to do land grabs? Remember all the land acquisitions in California and other places where we had fires here in America? By the way our forest are burning too from the same bad practices! They are spraying forests with glyphosate here too! Did you know about this?

Poisoning the Forest for the Trees – Mother Jones

Could it be a land-grab? What do you think? Go and google "The Ring of Fire" and Ontario.

Ford says roads connecting Ring of Fire to Ontario highways will be completed years ahead of schedule | CBC News

Ontario's Ring of Fire: Opportunities, Challenges, and Indigenous Perspectives - Canadian Energy News, Top Headlines, Commentaries, Features & Events - EnergyNow

People need to wake up. It's long overdue. I'm tired of brainwashed people who enable all this destruction!