Utility

Seen on an Aspie board online:

"Because your value to them is based in the benefit they can derive from you. God may look at the heart, but man looks at your utility.

A friend I hadn't seen in a while told me he forgot how enjoyable I was to be around, and he wondered about why he didn't contact me more often. A girl told me that she was surprised to see how much I "had to offer." People will talk about what you "bring to the table". Utility. Benefit. That's what they are looking for.

They determine what benefit can be derived from you (are you funny, are you wild, can you come up with witty comebacks against people who try to abuse you, can they tell stories about you to their friends which will move them up higher in their own circles).  The less benefit they can derive, the less value you have to them. Autistics on the whole have little of the type of currency anyone is interested in. And to ****'s point, that also applies to anyone who can't bring the "goods" to the average social group: learning disabled, mentally challenged, differently abled individuals, whatever.

Most people feel they're climbing up some type of heirarchical ladder, and if you can't them on the climb, they don't want to be associated with you.

Unless you're someone that they can introduce to a group of their peers and feel that your presence will benefit the group as well as their own standing in the group, they're going to distance themselves from you. Society as a whole sees a benefit to providing some limited services to assist people in such groups (through charitable aid organizations and such) but few are willing to bring them into their own social circles as it will viewed as a social currency drain rather than a benefit...as messed up as as that may be.

Enter the "useless eater" category and fail to be a "productive citizen" and there is a lot of judgement out there. Some may find this Aspie young man's words too cynical. There is truth in them however. I miss my old friends in my old town, many people there were okay with just BEING rather then DOING. My silent generation friends had gotten to that place as well as a few others. It didn't occur to me how RARE those people had become. There's a few everywhere but we need more. Are we bad people if we are not busy and productive every minute? Why do we always have to be proving ourselves?

Joan brought that being vs doing idea to me and I have thought about it a lot. I need being people not doing people. LOL My existence as a human being is not enough and some see people in that way.. Some of them tire me by the way they run around in constant career obsession and climbing the ladder.

There's many places in society now where you feel like unless you are of use to someone or have something to give, then you are not wanted. How much can you give? If it's a lot then you are more well liked? The narcissists see life as a give and get proposition. Who is of use to them? Who will help them get ahead?  For many thrown away by narcissistic families, because we came empty handed due to a variety of reasons, our only "use" was for narcissistic supply. This isn't just happening to socially awkward Aspies but to society as a whole.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately besides time with my husband. I don't mind being alone so much as I used to when young. I talk to people online of course, but I got tired of proving myself, or having to prove myself or being made to feel always "wanting". I don't want to '"sell" myself or "struggle for position. How many feel this way, you are only as good as you are useful to someone? Isn't there something sinister about it all? What happened to true connection? It's out there but seeming to get rarer.