Three years ago:
Sister: There is a '98 Chrysler mini van waiting for ownership by you and [my husband] in [mother's town].
Last week:
Brother: Hey mom called. Wants to know if you guys want her 99 Chrysler minivan she is going to have it checked out first. call me and i will call you later.
I am NC with brother as well now so need to do a better block on emails and messages. It's creepy as it's almost the same exact words as sister three years later. I even had told my brother, that the first car offer was just to "buy me back" and she never would apologize or make things right. I told him how much it bothered me. He will do this woman's bidding to the very day he dies, and has sold his soul to her. This was about a rich woman, wanting to "own me". The car we own now and which is already VERY old is a 2003. These are 18 year old cars, they may be in better shape because of her money but even our car has it's oil changed like clockwork.
She buys a new car every few years and brags of spending 40,000 on a new car and owns around 4-5 of them. She has so many cars, I couldn't even picture which ones these were or what color they were. She probably needs a new parking space in her long drive way.
I think too these never were serious offers, because while I am legal to drive, I cannot drive a distance like that to her house. One car is needed to pick up the other. Her message via this is to say "I am trying to help her, look how nice I am!" She knows my fears of being on the bus, it is the same thing over and over again. Using my poverty which she helped set up against me. Like a groundhog day scenario from hell itself. She has endless connections and could have helped with the employment situation instead of sabotaging everything she could along the way. Narcissists won't give any true "help" in terms of a fishing pole to get fish, but just more crumbs.
Same for the ex- "friend" who rose up high in the ranks in the military, her father was a multi-millionaire. She knew we were poor and struggling. Her father had multimillion dollar contracts with the military in his company. Learning about that sure put her skyrocketing promotions to the top in a new light for me. She actually hired government clerks and others all the time. We were willing to move anywhere for a long time. I didn't even pay attention to what was going on until later. I put up with years of bragging about her lauded career.
Anyhow do I want to sell my soul for a very old automobile? No Way! I am not breaking no contact, but it really has exposed to me how she controls my entire family. Three of them tried contacting me this week. I didn't answer the phone or call back. Even Aunt Confused who sent her daughter to call me and make veiled threats about having me "sleep with the fishes" in the lake, who I went no contact two years ago crawled out of the woodwork to make a phone call. Another cousin called. The timing is too close. She directs their phone calls and when to contact me. It's creepy.
The depths of this control is why I went no contact with the entire family. I do have concerns about the recent hoovering. It's been three years. I'm not coming back. Why? When people think they can "buy" you and use severe poverty against you. They suck. They need to realize the scapegoat has quit. I'll take the homeless shelter before dealing with their bullcrap ever again. When I go on about money and wishing I had it, this is some of the dynamics playing out. These people all have screwed with me long enough. Remember I spent 6 years of my life WITHOUT a car when I was even sicker. So take their "desire to rescue me" with a grain of salt. I made the right decision going no contact with the entire family.
I think that she wants you to call her and for you to have to ask her to deliver the vehicle to you. Instant supply. I would not talk to them either, my mother got me in her will, and even was able to hurt me while she was ashes in a bottle. I think that caused me to spiral downwards. Why do narcs always attack us on the money part? I started pursuing ways I could get money without the husband, and its just a shot in the dark, she said I will never make it. And it appears she was right, so my fears became amplified by a dead woman in a bottle.
ReplyDeleteThey will use poverty against you, and I hate the way she never helped on the connections she had for employment.
Sorry you are struggling too Joan, I understand all too well. I know trying to make money on your own is very hard. I remember my days of being almost homeless and living on 500 a month, and no food. They have stuck by me. We are low on food this week though I have some dregs, I am not eating what I want to and for some reason I always pay sugar-wise. Yes they have used poverty to hurt me time and time again. She could have helped with real employment and other connections LONG ago but never did and set us up to fail, so she throws out her crumbs like Marie Aintoinette. She owns two houses while I struggle to pay the rent. She has never known what it was like to go without groceries or having to eat dregs while worried about blood sugars.
DeleteI don't know why her money seems to be a bottomless pit when she spends it like water. It shocks me. One of my friends is wealthy and even she wouldn't waste money like my mother does in a million years. My friend has driven the same car for the last 10 years, she lives in ONE small rancher home. My mother just bought a 40,000 new car three years ago with the other car offer, I guess she needs a new place in her driveway for ANOTHER ONE. She lives in two homes.
She got the insurance pay-offs in 1998. Maybe she has come up with new schemes for more cash. She definitely has had to. That's almost 20 years ago. I realize now what my father did to me, leaving me with nothing in the dregs of severe poverty--even worse then how I live now by far, and giving her everything. He never cared about me, and I faced facts. Same for the rest of the family. I had to think, some were comfortable and middle class like my siblings as I was eating out of the dumpsters and without even needed medicine.
I've had my poverty used against me for decades. In fact, it's better to walk and be NC with them all. I have major RELIEF there, because the dynamics of the family are constant bragging about jobs, possessions and vacations. With Aunt Scapegoat gone, outside of the Lost Boy Uncle and his permanently unemployed 30 something adult children living at home forever--and they are being betrayed too, the rest all haul in 6 figures.
So wonder I have such bad self esteem issues surrounding money, I struggle with the sins of ENVY as well. I got tired of being told I was a POS for being poor and vice versa.
I know you are facing it worried about survival issues should you have to move on without your husband. I at least have the state and social security as safety nets. The work world being designed by narcissists has given them more and more power, and denied so many people free autonomy and the ability to choose. I believe the work world needs changed, the hiring and firing processes. Many women end up in severe poverty. Yes when these narcs say you will never make it or I dealt with the decades of disgust and being called a LOSER, and in 2008, told "You have nothing to show for your life" with the missing material elements of life listed, it takes a massive toll. I know some can reach out beyond the grave and take a toll too. We didn't have the secure foundation of people REALLY being there for us. Even with these later offers of "help" and I took some help in my 30s, I almost died being left without ANY. They never have been there for me in any real way. No one by my bedside when very sick. No one just be there and spend time with me. Never a family.
I suspect now maybe she hasn't found this blog, if she has and been reading all along she is even more stupid then I thought to think a second car offer is going to get me to break no contact.
Wow, sorry, narcs suck...I wouldn't trust her either. My brother would not help me when I really needed it, but then years later when he wanted to hide a car from his ex wife he wanted to give it to me. I wanted no part of it.
ReplyDeleteMy mother lived in a wealthy neighborhood in an expensive house. She gave my sister all kinds of furniture. My sister owned a house. My husband and I lived in a small apartment and she made us buy a small couch from her. We had very little furniture. Narcs are stingy and controlling with their money and things. And they all think they have worked really hard to earn it even if they haven't.
Stay strong.You sound like your doing well these days emotionally. Maybe they sense that.
Yeah they suck, thanks I will never trust her. Sorry your brother would not help you, he probably wanted to set you up with the car or just use you to hurt the ex wife. Sorry you were treated badly with the furniture. Yes they brag about how hard they worked all the time. When I asked my mother to stop abusing me for being poor before going NC, she gave me, the "I worked hard for everything I got line". I know things about her where I know that is a joke, insurance pay-outs, and job nepotism is not "working hard". Thanks I am doing better on some fronts, you are right they can probably sense the line has been drawn for good.
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