One thing to remember is if you "fight" back, the narcissists can use it. While being no contact all these years, the best response is silence. No more angry letters, or telling anyone off. There's nothing more to say and if I said what I was feeling, it would just dig the holes deeper. I realized with the family, I would never be heard, and while I attempted positive relationships free of any discussion of the narcissists, it was impossible, especially given the fact, many were serving as enablers and messenger boys and girls. I said angry words to my brother 4 months many of which were true before I went no contact with him, but it was just basically shouting to the wind. With narcissists, you always lose. The only way to win is not to play the game. There is no "winning" here, that is why I "quit".
I am being majorly hoovered again. It is another attempt to "buy me" using my immense financial pressures, and my brother basically wrote me the same exact words as my sister did three years ago which was shocking and dismaying on another level. The refusal to "let me just go in peace" has given me deep concern especially this many years in and this soon after my aunt's funeral which I did not attend. I am attempting to not write about them or even think about them so much but was blowing off some steam online. My emails and PMs need stronger blocking as well.
When I was young, I was not a Christian yet and well raised in the crucible of the narcissists there was plenty of fleas to dealt with. On a message board when someone asked "What was your biggest act of defiance against your narcissists?" I did a new post about the time I went to my sister's wedding dressed up in a goth outfit wearing black lace, lace on my head and buckles on my shoes and goth signia. While there was some outraged looks at the start, my sister was not crying in the corner. My parents told me I "ruined" the wedding, but I was just on the peripheral. The wedding proceeded as planned. Today the outfit I wore probably would barely draw attention but back then wearing black alone to a wedding was a giant faux paus. I probably wrote too gleefully about this day, remember this was my act of defiance in "fighting back". My sister had joined in the abuse with my parents and done so for a long time.
A board opposed to the ACON message board posted against me and said, I was a horrible person in trying to ruin my sister's wedding. The guy running it is some sort of financial advisor who seems like a narcissist himself ready to dance on the pain of ACONs, and telling them that they are "weak". They said it was very narcissist. I didn't do it for attention, and really didn't get any. It was the way I thought of standing up at the time. The blow to my self esteem was so immense in being told "I'd ruin the pictures from being so fat". These messages were multiple that year. Remember the credit card that was stolen from me? It was used for wedding expenses. I was angry. Twenty-five years ago, I didn't know how to channel it properly.
To the people I was dealing with I was a fly speck and my act of defiance didn't change that. The me of today, would tell someone about to wear black to wedding, just stay home, that would send a "stronger" message especially since you are about to go "no contact" like I did that first time. One thing if you are dealing with evil people and wrestle in the mud with them, the mud will splatter on you. It's always better to just get away. Some of us to become the person we are meant to become, we have to walk from the entire family system and confront our fleas. My family never brought out the best in me but the worse. In that way alone, it was best to depart.
Dear Peeps, yeah, fighting back means going against their rules - the ones they keep changing. As for "ruining" a wedding, oh paleeze! These narcs keep making mountains out of molehills - and vice-versa. As for my fffaammily, they knew i was being bullied at school, and yet seemed silently glad about it. i have no beef whatsoever (or contact with) the bullies - they were just brats (perhaps in narc excuses-for-families themselves. But as for the bayoches in my family? They can all go f* themselves. Glad they ignore me, i miss 'em like i miss having a tooth yanked.
ReplyDeleteI agree. They will change the rules to make sure you never "win". I didn't ruin the wedding as claimed. They looked shocked for a few seconds and then just ignored me per usual. I talked to my friend, ate some food and then left. Yes narcs won't protect you from bullies, most of the time they will join in with them. This event was one RARE time of "fighting" back. Most of the time I was quiet or trying to sink into the wallpaper. When I yelled at them that was the same as yelling at a wall. I am glad yours leave you alone!
DeleteThe only way to win is not to play the game.
ReplyDeleteAgree. Give up dreams of changing things. We can't control what other people do.
DeleteIn a healthy dynamic every member of the family counts and contributes in their own way, if just by showing up. Normal people would never want to pick and choose and turn it into some popularity contest. It reminds me of my NC conversation with my mother where she accused my current spouse of poisoning me against her. I just said "no mom normal people don't do things like that" and hung up the phone.
ReplyDeleteIn a normal family, yes you show up and you are your own person, you matter just for being you, it's not all a constant competition. I heard conversations like that. Also having to be on your toes 24/7 is not being relaxed and with a real family, you are with "Strangers" pretending to be a family. I am glad you hung up.
DeleteSue..... I have to ask.... how many syllables are there in your version of "bitch" My inquiring mind wants to know. I've got it narrowed down to either two or three, but I'm stuck....LOLOLOL
ReplyDeleteWe need more variations for that word. :p I am bad. Its the sheesh version of Sh%T. Trying to clean up the language. I knew people though who told their kids don't you dare say Sheesh, and Heck though! That's a bit much.
DeleteIt feels like I'm going to be hurt if I don't fight back. Lots of times, either way, we are screwed. That's why any contact with a narc is dangerous. Lately I haven't been around, my mental state has deteriorated, I went to crisis at the hospital, and a crisis worker told me that from I described, it wasn't me. I asked her then how do I live in this world? She put her head down, there was nothing else for her to say. Its weird how that my mother taught me to fight back, but damned if I did fight back, she would throw a fit. It still seems to me like every narc wins either way. This makes 2 counsellors that told me that it wasn't me.
ReplyDeleteMe too. I know I felt screwed over, being silent and fighting back. Either way I lost, so I just walked away and refused to play the game. I wondered where you had been, did the crisis worker see you as under abuse, I am glad she told you it wasn't you. One thing when I went NC, I cleaned out 40 people from my life, it is scary. You almost have to learn to renavigate the world. I hope you are doing better. Honestly I am tired of narcs winning too. You know it. I hope you are doing better.
DeleteI entered back into counselling. My panic rose to such a level that even the help I've been using to help me, was out of scope for me. My doctor wants me on anxiety meds. It has become so obvious that even people walking past me can tell I have severe, crippling anxiety. If I try to stay too long in a public place, its like my brain tries to scan all the people there, and it can't, so it goes crazy. I can't seem to go out and try to earn a few bucks, even at a church camp. I have no control over this. I need a lobotomy, lol. But I have lots of help, its ok, I will get through this.
DeleteI am glad you are back in counseling. I hope to get one soon when housebound days end. I struggled with anxiety for years. The panic attacks are bad. I was free of them after NC but I had one recently when we got a nail in our car tire and I was tired and overstressed. I think dealing with your husband and feeling unheard and betrayed by him is aggravating your anxiety and probably worries about financial things too. The money thing will do it to a person enough.
DeleteI believe poverty can cause poverty and trauma in itself. Could you find work with less people? Where there is less social pressures? I avoid crowds myself, I can be in a public street but if a room has more then 30 people in it, I don't want to be in there. I hope you feel better soon and some of your stress eases up. Glad you are getting help.
I keep wondering if I can be open and straight about my anxiety if I could find a job in the disabled category. Like wheelchair people get access to employment that works for them. Or if I could try getting on a pension, I'm looking into that one now, but it appears that hubby's income blocks that, and I only look like a greedy schmoe. I am literally a disabled person, the therapist pulled my file almost needed help with it, lol.
DeleteBut it's not only the number of people, its also about being watched or judged, if there is one person just watching me, and I don't know that person, I'm petrified with fear. I have no control over it, and I'm tired of therapist's saying I can cure this, if I tried this or that. There is no cure. What happened to me happened while my brain was forming, and there is no way to fix that in an adult.
I can understand about the nail in the tire. Oh gee, that would have put me on overload for sure, especially with poverty being the main issue. I'm learning to put things like money shame aside, I know some people have jobs that makes big money, and that is never going to happen for me even with an engineering degree. There is lots of jobs in my field but broken is broken, I was raised the baby on mama's lap till I was 15 and was told that I liked it. I was told to like humiliation for it was my lot in life.
Husband and I are getting along better. It just feels like choices are limited for someone like me. I know I could get a pension if I was alone. But that would take years they just don't hand them out, and welfare is the only option I would have right away if things don't work out. I've beated my head up against a brick wall of ever being able to work, never been able to sustain employment for very long, I've given up, totally accepted myself as a disabled person.
Could you go to a vocational rehab, and try and find a job via that route saying you need something low stress, where your anxiety will not be an issue. I hated how I was always pushed into people oriented jobs, and that made my stress higher especially as an Aspie, I wish I had been diagnosed sooner.
DeleteDon't worry about trying to get services husband's income or not. People can be on disability for anxiety alone. yes I hated working and being watched too, and last thing ACONs need is criticizers and nitpickers up our butts. I don't see a cure for it either except to be LEFT ALONE.
Yeah the nail in the tire made me melt down. The lack of money is driving me crazy. It is so lonely here. Yeah the money shame gets hard. It blows chunks. I hope you can set that aside. My body won't let me make the big money or have a job again. I know they are choosing certain personalities for "good jobs" and that is kind of scary. One wishes one could get a a job and not be constantly beat down, I think the work culture is worsening. You are fortunate being in Canada though, I think the safety net there is better.