Sednas Daughters: International Network of Daughters Surviving Family Shunning
Chart of Abuse in Family Daughter Relationships
about Sedna's Daughters
https://sednasdaughters.com/about-sednas-daughters/
"Behavioral Chart of Abuse in Family—Daughter Relationships
Expecting daughters to endure lifelong abuse from their mothers is as damaging to women as expecting mothers to be perfect.
Possessiveness and Minimization & Blame
• Family does not take responsibility for their actions • Mothers claim birth of daughters ruined her life • Family claims daughter’s feelings are drama • Refuses to discuss or heal relationship issues • Tells adult daughter how to think, dress & act • Condemns daughter for moving away or having a partner • Telephones excessively/demands details of daughter’s life • Accuses daughter of abandoning them if she has her own life • Sabotages daughter’s relationships with others or with family members/turns younger family members against her."
I had a reader suggest this website. It has some good articles. I hope I can find their Facebook page and wrote and asked where it was, since the link was not working. This website is different in that she focuses on the whole ostracization phenomenon and focuses on those who lost the whole family. I do think this outreach is important. While some can keep some family relationships in going no contact, for some of us who walk away, it is the loss of an entire family. The malignant narcissists have "won", we end up with no one by our side from the family. Our decades of abuse and shunning have culminated in being free of kinfolk down to the last cousin, niece or nephew.
The chart detailing the various abuses basically sums up what happened to us. We all have to remind ourselves it is not our fault.
With the hoovering, some of it is strange like recently being invited to a cousin's wedding where he just grunted at me in 2006 and never has spoken a complete sentence to me in my life. I never got in one argument with him but would be friendly and he would simply turn away. The same went for his brother and sister to a lesser extent. I and my husband left that family picnic right after I sat at the table, and asked him about college and he just grunted and turned away.
It occurred that if this person who lived at home until the age of 32 with no job in his parent's attic was somehow able to find a wife, this means he actually probably SPOKE to other people and did more then grunt at them. He wasn't some extreme savant or schizoid. I was so used to rudeness and being treated badly, some things escaped my attention. Others around him supported this treatment of me. There's a reason my grandmother told me before she died, that he was her favorite grandchild. I won't be there of course but it's funny the new things that still occur to me now, even this many years outside the fog of scapegoat abuse.
I do wonder if family "shunning" is growing in modern society, social media, has given smear campaigners more power and ability to reach an audience. In the past, families were expected to take care of their own, and too public of a shunning, may have had worse social impacts when everyone lived in the same town, and knew each other for life. There's positives in modern society in that there's more avenues of escape now and information, but there are those negatives too.
Hi, I just came across your blog. You mention struggling with health and weight and money. With your knowledge about your mom, I think you need to look at her as the reason these things happened, and the reason for other bad things in your life, until proven otherwise.
ReplyDeleteFor example, they had you using the last of your money to drive somewhere to see a relative. Yet, they are rich. That means they understand about saving money and the necessity of having money saved in the bank. That was intentional. And without resources, you either have to beg them for money, go on welfare (which is okay, if it's something you need), or possibly starve or become ill without help.
Also, women who are overweight tend to come from families with overweight women. This may not be the case with you, but it shows the pressure mothers put on their daughters to be overweight. The mothers don't want their daughters to outshine them.
You mentioned that you never got into drugs, alcohol, or any bad behavior. I believe you. How do you know your relatives had those standards? A lot of times, Narcissistic/ Sociopathic behavior is related to drugs.
Maybe this helps explain why God wanted you to go through it. He didn't. It's your mom. Satan is the prince of this earth, but God gives you the power to overcome the world. Just keep learning jobs skills where you can and try to eat right. You're doing the right thing. It's okay to be human. :)
Hi, thanks for writing me. I realized in many places I did try my best. I am feeling better, because I realized how hard I worked even to get a degree and teach with Aspergers--many people with Aspergers don't even manage independent adulthood at all, not blaming them but that is the reality of the condition. I tried my best with the weight too. The doctors know it's complicated.
DeleteI can't blame my mother for every single thing, but my eyes are open for what she is at fault for, the medical neglect being one of the biggest and of course the emotional neglect and abuse. I agree with you there.
Yes we were put under pressure for visits, we could not afford, later they could not or would not understand that our car was too old to drive to where they were at, and we would have a disaster on our hands if the car broke down without even money to get it towed home or get ourselves back without hitchhiking. Even Greyhound back would be 30 bucks each.
I do believe I was openly sabotaged for years and posted about it. She got others good jobs and used connections, including one cousin who got a 6 figure job right out of college, where they hid where she lived for a few years to keep me from finding out the use of that connection. My mother and father got jobs at their govt agency to people even without college degrees that were middle class in pay. I remember begging for one.
I lived in severe poverty if you read deep into the blog and I wrote about that.
I believe my mother definitely did not want me to outshine her, I had some more memories return, that were kind of bad recently. I wanted to join the Y when I was young, I was told NO, I was forced to quit the golf team and denied other sports opportunities.
Oh my parents did abuse prescription drugs, I knew what Darvocet was by the age of 10. Should I have?
I know you mean well with the religious explanation. I am not a Christian anymore. I don't believe in an intervening god in this world.
As a UU I can explore theism to full atheism. I do sometimes ponder that a being of somesort made these billions of galaxies, but Christianity doesn't work for me anymore, I consider it too limited and I can't picture God as this big man in the sky intervening on my behalf because he never didn't. I don't believe in Satan anymore either, he seems to serve as a mythological "fall guy" for God in the Bible. Yes there is good and evil, but I just don't believe that way anymore. If a God existed from what happened in this world and in life in general, he was voting for my mother a lot, and well I can't worship a God that reminds me of my mother or other narcissists in the sheer cruelty, such as with the existence of hell and sending people to burn for eternity. I worry for Christians now, the religion I think does harm to people. It did me. I am going to "Go where the Love is" I guess that will form my theology now.
Thanks for saying it's okay to be human and I appreciate those kind words.