Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Will Covid Ever End?

Peep's comic journal of a few months ago. I quickly scribble in comics on my comic journals, I have 20 of these things where I keep a diary in comic form. Peep and her husband are outfitted in lots of toilet paper and survival gear. I drew fantasy scenes later in my journal of us heading to the Canadian border because Trump won my state by one vote and the presidency, because Peep voted for Howie instead of Biden. 

Why won't Covid end? Anyone wondering?

Don't most illnesses eventually burn out? Will the pandemic ever end?

I went into a store with a mask that had around eight people in it, I won't go in if there's over 10, and this is one of the first stores I have been in, in around 6 months. I have been to the library which has one librarian in it, usually less then three patrons and plexiglass plastering the place. The fear is always there. Covid for me would be an instant death sentence.  My lungs are bad on a good day.

 I wonder if it was too high of a risk to go in that store. The masks make walking too hard, I can't breathe. The Covidiots are spared such worries in their narcissistic devil-may-care attitudes towards the virus.

Sitting in a doctor's office  is easier and I've done it for an hour and half masked up but walking in a large Wal-greens, the mask felt suffocating. It was a bad COPD day from a weather change and this made me hang over my walker with every 10 steps while making sure no one would get too close. I was helping my husband look for batteries in there. Some people slap those plastic clear acrylic masks with padding for the forehead, to fulfil the mask laws but someone told me those don't work to protect you. That's a way to still adhere to the mask law, but I'm not sure the virus will care.

There's periods of time now where I don't even want to go outside, because it seems to be more trouble and worry. The other day I was walking into my apartment foyer to leave with my husband and there were three teenagers there standing in a circle who had no masks on, that popped up. One held the door for me.  Another guy without a mask walked over to the mailboxes in the foyer yesterday. I didn't have the energy to lecture all these people on Covid etiquette but it gave me a burst of anxiety and pictures of those charts that show the spread of Covid with masks and out masks. They were all young and felt invincible.

 Lately, I don't want to leave my apartment at all, the world is a dystopian hellhole full of faceless silent people. Smiles, laughter, even the occasional joke from a stranger are gone.  Walking in the parks got boring, I make myself do it, so mobility is not lost and walked outside yesterday. Every time I get an allergy sniffle, or a UCTD flare, I am in one now, with my forehead breaking out, glands swelling, muscle pain and eyes turning into dried out golf balls, COVID haunts me where I think, "Did I get it?" 

Covid has made me feel my isolation in life more acutely. Even before Covid hit, I was talking to my husband about how isolated we are, and with the majority of our social life online, I often talked about how we needed more local in real life friends. We were working on things.

So to better my life, I focused on activities and doing stuff. I had my stamp club, disability groups, protests, gym, UU church committees, and more. I was often housebound but there were many activities we enjoyed. Even my usual fall art class is not happening this year.  I know this one Aspie online who has joined the anti-maskers and anti-lock down people, and I can understand why because all his social connections got cut to nothing as his groups were shut down. My alarm that he has has joined with the science deniers remains however.

I was feeling finally that I could have some years of happiness, and with my deconversion was focused on enjoying life. We had gotten another decent car, and were planning day trips and other activities that our former older rust bucket van prevented us from doing. Life was looking a lot better. I was feeling some happiness. I saw good changes coming even with the health and other difficulties. I felt better times were on their way. Maybe the people sneering "victim" at me would have shut the hell up in my new blooming happiness.

So if I sound bitter, there's times I wake up and wonder if I got born into hell of a different sort, a multiverse where the worse outcomes always come true. I know I have a weird attitude towards life that developed from too much shit going down. Add this Covid garbage. Some lingering thoughts that I really am cursed are left over from that horrible deliverance minister. I do ask myself, "Why did this happen now?" 

Peep on Zoom, Zoom makes me feel like I am on stage. I am not a stage person. 

Covid, has really pushed my feelings about having no local friends and family to the foreground. The close relationships I should have are not there.  This article calls it Quarantine envy, but notice they made family the center of everyone's lives. People with families have people to talk to or visit with their far larger "inner circles". This definitely has added the pressure to ACONs. I can see single people losing it with their 6 months of talking to no one.

There is loneliness even in how Covid is being dealt with. On Zoom, everyone's focused on being positive and happy. Zoom has brought endless interesting lectures, anti-racism webinars, mindfulness art activities that have all been intellectually stimulating, but it is not the same as seeing people in person. It's hard to get people to type in the chat boxes to make up for my deafness, I am not sure what that's about. Some people I can hear okay and others not so much. There's times I can't hear. Reading lips in 2D doesn't work the same as in 3D, trust me I have tried. I have to go deal with Zoom and ask them WHY CAN'T I HAVE THINGS CAPTIONED, like Youtube does it? They charge an insane amount of money to the hosts. That sounds like a disability accessibility issue. I find myself even revisiting UU services, put on Youtube that are now captioned.

 I can see people all withdrawing except for the happy extroverts on Zoom. Zoom is great for lectures and things like that. Maybe Zoom is performance time for them, while the rest of us sink deeper into ourselves.  Everyone wants to appear strong and like everything's going great as the room around us is basically on fire. Why aren't any of us allowed to talk about the hard stuff.  By the way what is happening to the people who haven't been able to pay their rent or are having the bottom collapse? They've all lost internet access and their suffering is invisible probably.

When outside, the few people I do see, look very depressed. People hurry through, and just get by with their business. The mental health effects with this are increasing.  I've held off depression the best I can, but I know others are going to succumb. Elderly and disabled people who live alone and who are losing services, are going to really be facing hardship. I also think of all the trauma, children are going to have. When a country screws up and regular life is stopped either via war, or other traumas like pandemic, the life long effects on children will be there. Hopefully with this generation it will bring out some activism in the long run, but how many little depressed kids are there now being masked up and going to school fearing they are going to catch it and die?

Only talking to one person in person for 6 months is very strange.  My husband has been very supportive, and started reading to me some of our favorite books, and taking time to visit parks. We have at least made many positive couple memories. Outside of three-four UUs, who brought me groceries or other things, my doctors and nurses, and clerks,  I have not talked to any other person in months. Due to the growing deafness, even with a Caption phone, I don't talk on the phone like I used to. The effects of this on someone on the autism spectrum may be different. Will I be able to talk to people when this over?

One friend online told us she has friends with Lipedema and other severe conditions who have not left their apartments and homes in 6 months. I am super duper high risk but I would have lost my mind never going anywhere. People don't realize that even with my limitations, I was one of those people who liked to go out and live. Some on my Facebook wall used to comment on this, "you do a lot when you can get out" and it was true. I wasn't kayaking or hiking in woods, but I liked doing things, and going to events and having some activities. 

I always have some project, I am even working on a cookbook for the UU, and helped husband put up something to publish on kindle--[basically a short zine length booklet] and I put art up on ebay, but being forced to live like I am in county prison except one with a better bed and internet has not done wonders for me. What other choice is there though? I am not some selfish person who will demand everything be opened up or to run around putting others at risk. I understand people doing self care, visiting parks or taking drives with their house-hold.

Last weekend, some anti-maskers who want to recall the Democratic governor in my state were across the street from my apartment building asking for signatures and with protest signs. Yes, just what we need is more Republican politicians to destroy the place. These types blather about tyranny as freedoms are lost, and refuse to wear masks. They have no fear. Notice none of them ever err on the side of caution. Lack of fear actually is a trait of sociopathy. I wanted to get out of the car and debate them, but my husband talked me out of it, since they were not wearing masks. I clamped down my desire to raise a giant middle finger, out the car window at them, because they were so close, they could see where I lived.

Looks like others have come to the same conclusions I have:

Narcissists and Sociopaths are Less Likely to Wear Masks.

We aren't even seeing ONE best friend  in person because we fear giving him something or vice versa. At his work place, one co-worker and two clients have already died.

Sadly these anti-maskers have made Covid spread far longer and become a bigger problem then it should have ever been. They still are spreading it, with parties and gatherings. Sadly evangelical Christians including well known pastors are spreading it with super-spreader events. The evil of these actions is beyond the pale. Why are they opening schools too soon? I hope when Biden gets in, he does some actions to stop COVID, even a month long total shut down, to stop it. It's been dragged out too long, and all these people who have kept it spreading, have endangered us all.

They seem to want to spread it as far and wide as possible. If I know people who have gotten it, and know of others who have died, why don't these people? An old online friend with Lipedema got it and recently died last month. That's what worries me that their stupidity will keep the virus spreading and we will never be able to get a handle on this pandemic to END it.  It could go on for years and years. How many want life to be like this so long? Their solution to stop all lock-downs is insane. Millions would die.

Have you heard the latest with Trump admitting to Woodward he downplayed the dangers of Covid19. This country has got a serious problem.

I have the question now though, "Why won't Covid end?" If any science minded types read here, can you tell me what happens in the long run, if people refuse to follow protocols to stop it?

It just seems to keep going on and on without stopping. Will we ever be able to get our lives back?

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