Sunday, November 12, 2017
Why finding friends is difficult for people with Aspergers
LOL one sentence sums this up: "What am I supposed to talk to people about?" Online I am fine, there are enough obscure interests, Aspies and others I can talk about all sorts of subjects with. In real life, it's closed down city, and unless I have grandchildren or vacations overseas to brag about forget it! Yes Aspies can face bigger barriers socially. I wish I could find friends locally like I have online, people I can be open to and talk to. I relate to this guy big time. It is good he still tries and has not given up.
Outside of my one busy book club friend, there's simply no one to talk to outside my husband in any "real way". I remain frozen in this "nice" acquaintance stage with many. It's all nice, "how's the weather?" and junk like that. I don't mind a lot of "light" interactions, some of those are enjoyable for what they are. We can't be besties with the whole world, but inside one wonders can they get "close" to people anymore? I certainly don't want to open myself up and get my ass burned like I did in some bad friendships as I detailed on this blog. However having everything remain at the flat line polite level for years and years, is sad. It makes a person feel lonely.
Socially I have grown far less confident and my social anxiety has worsened. I feel like I have to "hide" my true personality everywhere I go. Everything I talk about seems to offend people so I just went silent. Worrying about how you appear makes you too self-focused but then what if you try to "let loose" or allow a sincere interest in other people to lead the way and it still doesn't work? Some would say vulnerability is a requirement for a real friendship to develop but if you can't find people who think like you or have any of same interests off line in the real world, it's far harder.
I don't need gobs of people surrounding me as I have my husband, but I am wondering why is it so hard to talk to people here and why does everything remain frozen locally at the Minnesota Nice level? I don't live in Minnesota but sometimes I feel like I do. The culture here is weird. It occurred to me I haven't even heard anyone yell while I was in public in 11 years. It's smiles and freezing. I don't want screaming people and fist fights but is so repressed and double-faced. At least in New York or something someone may give it to you straight or offer an opinion.
It's strange, some people who even directly blow me off--like someone, they'll come up to me to be nice in public, but then I think about how I tried to call them a couple times, and then had to give up. I'd rather they be nice then mean, but it is confusing. This was someone I formerly talked on the phone with at times and visited on occasion. It makes no sense. I run into her at a book club and she acts like we are still friends. I even sit across the room and decide to leave her alone but she approaches me. I am confused. I don't understand these type of people and there seems to be a lot of them. You can't depend on them to be there. She never answers her phone, or returns calls. It would have hurt less to have been left alone.
This one woman who I thought I was forming a friendship with, but then it faltered after I told her I was housebound in the summer, came up to me in art class a couple weeks ago, right in the middle of the class, and started asking me all these questions. I had thoughts of asking the teacher to throw her out but the atmosphere is informal enough people will come and watch people paint and do projects. She was another one where I called and wanted to talk--she gave me her phone number asking me to call and then vanished. I was polite but I felt wary because she had already given me a complete freeze-out. I said a few things but turned away on purpose. It was strange, she had already blown me off. She told me, "Oh people love your art work!" Is this some kind of narcissistic supply thing? If you don't like me enough to call me back, why come up and start blathering on about life? Oh she joined in on the travelogue speeches too.
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I totally understand that. I have Asperger's traits but I suspect it's more to do with c-ptsd and my dysfunctional upbringing.
ReplyDeleteThe other is that I've been a victim of "mirroring" where someone seems the perfect friend but turns out to be anything but and that's made me suspicious too.
I find it difficult to talk to people generally because we have nothing in common - other than safe but boring subjects like the weather.
I'm not interested in what most people are interested in and am no good at pretending to be. I am polite and can interact with folks just fine but find it hard to develop friendships - let alone close ones - because I don't "get" most people and they don't "get" me either!
Worse, sometimes I find someone who I think is on my wavelength but later it turns out not so much and it can be rather devastating if you lose them as a friend, even if they seem to just drift away/grow apart. It's no-one's fault exactly but now I keep most people at arm's length and just enjoy them on a acquaintance level to avoid disappointment.
Thanks for understanding, Yes C-PTSD and our dysfunctional upbringings can impact this. if you have both as an ASPIE, that is very hard. Yes I have been a "victim" of mirroring too and what a disappointment to find just another soul-less scum sucker beneath the mask. Still remember the catfish, telling me how much we were the "same". I have nothing in common with people either. Half the time I am trying to hide how much in pain I am to even be there--I had an IBS attack during art class, one that didn't send me to the bathroom but it's like my guts were going to come out--yes it affected my art project--I ate some processed food when too tired to cook one night, and hiding my true economic status, which they judge so much, when it is known. All the damage I have from richy-riches judging me here, is pretty high. Yeah, I stick to safe boring subjects like the weather, and I am bored and probably boring all at the same time. The few times I have wondered off the reservation seems to upset other people. I get weird comments, like "you are such a challenging thinker" or they shut down and stare. I don't understand other people at ALL. I even told my husband once, I wish I could watch a "normal" person go through the day, how in the hell do they keep their apartments and homes so clean? How do they have so many friends? Like watching a animal in the wild for me. LOL I am trying to clean and its killing me the tasks have piled up so badly, my brain even hurts. Sitting here to respond to rest.
DeleteYeah I don't get most people and they don't get me. That sums it up for me as well. One ex-project friend got mad at me and said "You're so weird". Sigh.
Everyone says the Aspies are emotionally closed down too, but I see a lot neurotypicals not all thankfully like that, but I had to repress my emotions just to survive too many years.
Yeah I've had the ones I think are on my wavelength but are not. I even wish I could find a friend here, whose life hasn't follow "the script". I do online but in the real world, they seem as rare as Dodo birds. Yeah I keep a lot as acquaintances for the same reason too.