Conversion and Deconversion
For three years, I have been involved elsewhere online, helping people who have deconverted. This includes people who got sucked into the evangelical or fundamentalist fold like I did as an adult and those who were raised in evangelical and fundamentalist households. Talking to them, I realized the overlaps with my uber Catholic background with their fundamentalist upbringings. There were parallels, I was indoctrinated by a lay teacher into last days who was obsessed with Fatima, they were told the Rapture was nigh.
This being my second deconversion with the first from Catholicism and the second from fundamentalist Christianity, I had practice at it, and decided to at least help others who had gone through what I have. The deconversion community has been a source of support for me. Only those who had been there, could really related to how into conspiracy and bible prophecy I had been or how I had moved away from extreme fundamentalist rural town, that impacted my mind so strongly. Fundamentalist and evangelical Christianity really has it's own culture understood by those within. Normal secular folks or those in more sane churches aren't going to understand the ins and outs of the evangelical and fundamentalist cultures.
The numbers are growing of people getting out and leaving. Life has changed so radically, that Christianity is not holding up to reality. Just like Zeus and his pantheon of gods ceased to have meaning to Greeks, the same is happening with Christianity. Jesus, Yahweh, angels, the Holy Ghost, are fading just like Aphrodite, Zeus, Mercury and Hera. Younger people are realizing it's not holding up.
Many modern people are asking questions like, "Why do we have to worship something?" "And why does something in the first place want narcissistic supply with legions of bowing and supplicating humans before it? Can you truly worship something, and have it love you?" I noticed most of the deconverted realized God [in the conservative Christian sense] had some major short comings like me. Yahweh's character was poor, capricious, outwardly murderous in the Old Testament, and in the end had nothing but cruelty to dispense along with his fireballs upon earth promised in the book of Revelation.
Christianity's promises of fellowship, companionship, answers for life's problems and misfortunes were really found wanting. The religion offered me no solace, only judgment and blame for my life problems and the message that I lacked the blessings of God because I lacked faith. I noticed without hesitation this one applied to many others who ended up leaving like me. None of us expected God to show up with suitcases of money but a few kind words, or help or guidance, was what we failed to find. If God had merely shown up in some way, I believe many would still be in the religion.
Sure the Bible warns of trials and tribulations but then one takes note, Yahweh threatens people too with as much bad stuff, as the world does, with sending your loved friends to hell, or planning a big planetary blow-out in the end. Yahweh rarely was a source of comfort to me, it only gave me silent treatment. It occurred to me like so many others that everything was drummed up out of my imagination, with vague feelings of discernment, leading, and the rest. It was a one way relationship.
Christians are loaded with too much guilt for wondering why God doesn't show up, or asking hard questions why prayers are never answered. Some people face the facts that regular prayer is more often then not a waste of time and whistling into a silent wind. It is a would be spirit who never literally answers back except in imagination or troubled dreams that brings no real solutions. Many deconverted people spent years trying to reach out to "god", working the religion hard like me hoping for something, but we faced the facts, it simply wasn't real, and didn't work the way we had been promised.
Sadly most conservative Christian communities when these doubts were expressed, always blamed the person in part. There came a point for me when I knew "nothing was good enough for Yahweh, just like nothing was ever good enough for my parents". I felt no love, comfort, involvement in my life, or real leading. Christian communities were one of judgement and never measuring up too. I noticed these feelings were rife among other deconverted people too. Some had faced major hardships, and expressed their feelings about the uselessness of prayer. Many felt judged and punished by religious communities that expected them to shut down their minds, hearts and feelings. God was always perfect while whatever problems you faced were supposedly your own fault.
The people who seemed to do the best in fundamentalist and evangelical Christianity, were ones who had lives that followed the script. I've written about this before on other articles. They always had good jobs. They had loving families and were able to have children and grandchildren. It does not escape my notice now that most of the conservative Christians I see on my Facebook, the ones who are left, all have endless pictures in large suburban or country homes of themselves and extensive generations, pictures full of 20 people easily. Their families are huge, and no one is down and out. One thing discussed in the deconversion community, was how if life was different from this script, one simply didn't fit in. Given the economic realities of most younger people of Gen X on down, Christianity especially in America failed to address how our lives really were.
Many who ended up deconverted, did not have the 1950s version of the nuclear family and did not experience this scripted life. They were gay and rejected over it, or trans, or childless like me and simply didn't fit in. Many tired of abuse simply for being who they were, while others shared the horrors of homosexual bigotry or having their lives limited via homeschooling and lack of real educations. Economically, many ended up leaving as church programs about being a good wife and the promotion of homeschooling didn't fit in with the world of part time jobs and struggling to make it in a studio apartment. Christianity in other words expected conformity to a life, that really didn't exist for many people. The churches all lived in the past. They demanded the impossible.
Our troubles, reality and more were ignored. Even now we see the majority of Christians who ignore economic and other realities. Few realize it but the conservative Christian world has become one of privilege, this is why they hate social justice so much. For those of us in need of some social justice or income equality, this was unacceptable.
The bibles warnings about "trials" seems like extreme understatement. There's little in that book that really deals with reality for some of us especially in this society. Sure everyone faced "trials" throughout history, but modern society has brought complicated onslaughts of them. Life definitely was more simple for the average person. Christianity in other words is failing to provide any answers to an increasingly complex world full of new challenges.This was a common feeling among other deconverts.
Conservative churches all claimed to have all the answers to all of life's problems, they would do seminars on money, marriage, health, work life, children, and more. All the answers were always written to a lifestyle that doesn't even exist for many people. They were written to middle class or above white [mostly suburban but sometimes rural] people. The idea that there is a handy answer or a set of instructions to every life problem to be found in the bible became absurd. That turned out not to be true either. Many deconverts tried for years to follow the formulas which failed.
One thing to note is that Christianity in it's conservative forms was a misery producing juggernaut, that added trauma, repression, and unhappiness to many lives. Many of my fellow deconverts shared the same experiences of trauma and PTSD from religious abuse, and oppressive. edicts. Abuse from parents, and religious figures was rife in conservative religious circles. There were multiple others who fit into the ACON criteria and dealt with narcissistic and other toxic parents and relatives who abused via the lens of religion.
Many lived lives like me under extreme guilt and being told they were never enough or that they suffered because God deemed it necessary. Repression was a big one too, where we were silenced or taught that conformity was the most important. Women realized the inner sexism and denial of their humanity in these conservative religious circles. This applied to me in Catholicism where the ability to have babies came first. We were lonely and told we had to believe or else. Some suffered like I did, rejection from their families in leaving a church or no longer believing. In my case, the uber conservative Catholicism was different from the fundamentalist and evangelical world but there were overlaps. Many of us did not have wise counsel to be told to keep our true religious feelings secret until we were financially independent adults.
Toxic Christian culture and politics brought a lot of us out. The religious political right is cruel. It was willing slaves to capitalism and taught authoritarianism to horrible political leaders like Trump. We watched our churches defend war, and policies that made us poorer. They were almost without limit all Republican. Many like me grew fed up with the poison pouring from the pulpits.
After all if you watch all your church members bow before the Orange Sociopath, what good is a religion? It is rot then. The love for the Republican party along with racism, hatred for the poor were reasons many people left. We questioned ourselves and did not want to stand for evil. . One thing I have noticed since I have left, is that Christians [and I am talking about the conservative ones] seem to have gone mad. Their hatred, and arrogance, now has them demanding all the poor go back to their service jobs even in the middle of a global pandemic. They don't care if people die. Many even have said directly, that "death is a part of life".
There is a darkness in Christianity now, and we can see it in the faces of screaming people who carry assault rifles to their state legislatures, and who carry signs like "I want a haircut". They don't care if the elderly or people like me die, with COVID being allowed to rampage through the population. I noticed every evangelical Christian left on my Facebook wanted the lock-downs ended. I worry about civil liberties too, but did not understand people who did not care about others staying alive. The darkness is lack of empathy and it controls a lot of Christians. I suppose this goes with the economic privilege and scripted lives, they figure they won't catch Covid19 because they are "blessed by God". That's supposedly for the heathens and non-believers.
Christianity has changed in the USA. Even in my own lifetime, I remember the Christians of yesterday being a bit different. Sure there was always Elmer Gantry and extremists in the old days too, but as I got older, the number of televangelists, ministries and para-church organizations grew. There were more liberal Christians when I was young. Science was advanced in mainline churches as being important and compatible with religion. Jesus preached messages of love and helping the poor. There is almost a madness in Christianity today. At my UU we still discuss the positive teachings of Jesus and the decent messages.
Watching this farce, I'm glad I parted ways from such deluded people. When I was a Christian, I was against Dominionism, and wrote about this on line in Christian circles. I was rare, and realized as discussed in other deconversion articles, that I was in an authoritarian religion that was all about power and dominance. Well, the dominionists have power now. Our country is being hurt by extremist religion. We face a time in history where America is suffering directly from religious extremism. It helped advance this plague along. I believe right now a defacto Dominionist theocracy via Trump is in power now, and the anti-science and intellectualism of religion has taken over. If not for the few government scientists and Democrats listening to them, this country would be more in danger.
IFB people used to write things all the time, that when bad things happened to people maybe God deemed it necessary. The religion itself, I believe destroys empathy, blessings are to come from God and if something bad happens to you, it's your fault. So we have the religious right now with it's death cult beliefs, now wanting to literally unleash death upon us all via plague. Maybe a religion that has human sacrifice at it's foundations, doesn't mind sacrificing humans to capitalism in modern times.
Somehow this does not surprise me. I left Christianity seeing the lust for all the wars I protested against, now we see lust for death. Many deconverts like me saw the writing on the wall and got out! Our own lives were under assault by a harmful religion and philosophy but many others were too. We left the religion because it was evil, and it's followers assigned to evil. I do not want to color every Christian with this, there are those who are liberal and those who reject the right wing, although in America, liberal Christians are far fewer in number. Sadly many of the mainline and other churches have fallen to the Republican brainwashing. Every Catholic except a few liberal ones I know were going with the Republican party line.
"God's party" in other words and it's Orange Sociopath are now being allowed to unleash eugenics and genocide against the American population. One thing too I want to mention here too, is noticing most of the conspiracy websites [probably owned and astroturfed but full of many right wing Christians too] all are trying to say the virus is fake or is "not that serious". It's weird when those who believe in the "new world order" all think supposedly evil people are going to have "less people die". That makes no sense.
Liberal, sane and educated people want us to "flatten the curve" and have more people survive the epidemic. This week we watched the uneducated Fox news, conservative and Christian-evangelical element go to protests for things to be "re-opened". Someone online wrote that in big cities, everyone knows someone who died or got it, and it's been less common in areas with less population. I am not sure this explains everything, while some certainly are afraid of not having money to survive, with their lost jobs , many seem just to lack any empathy.
They are such brainwashed slaves to capitalism, fear of death gets lower priority. I had weird thoughts about Trump voters and especially evangelical Christians, some seem immune to the worse life can do in their privilege. I can't help but think, that these are clueless, spoiled people who have never witnessed someone dying in front of them, violence or real economic struggles beyond a missed haircut. Most of the jerks with their giant automatic weapons strapped to their belts pointed to their feet, looked like they had plenty of money, they just wanted poorer people then them, to get back to work, and serve them no matter the cost, even of their own lives.
I sometimes wonder if America is going to collapse. I have my worries about civil liberties too, but when a society is so fractured, that some are protesting against protecting people from dying there's something wrong. It's like there's no cooperation here. There's no love, care or compassion for neighbors either.
The rest of the world watches more and more in horror. America has become a farce to the rest of the world. Here's a new joke, I saw being told in non-American circles online.... "What's stupid inbetween?"------ Canada and Mexico". I hate to say it but extreme religion and rejection of reality has made America dumb as a box of rocks.
Watching the protests on the news, I felt some growing anger. Where were these "Constitutional Scholars" when rights in America started being ravaged especially around 9-11? They were silent as trillions were spent on useless wars in the middle east, silent when American rights were cut down like right to trial by jury with the passage of the NDAA and Patriot Act. So when I see them now talking about freedom and rights? I shake my head. They pretend to be morally superior, but they were silent when it counted. Their selfishness shines on through.
I believe Covid19 is real and like 9-11 they will make use of it, to limit more freedoms, go on a money-clean out--we are seeing that now, the 1200 dollars to the average American is eclipsed by the trillions going to big business and millionaires and billionaires and worse. The conspiracy websites claiming it's not real and that no one is really dying, are absurd. It is scarier then hell to see where America has gone. The cruelty, the coldness, the absurdity and religion has helped fuel it all. I believe Trump is a traitor, that allowed a virus to fester to bring America down. He wasn't stupid and lazy, he let it come here on purpose.
Watching the majority of Christians support this sickening man, told me I got out just in time. I never was a Republican but for many of us deconverting was about conscience. We no longer wanted to be part of an evil religion or one that supported evil. We were tired of an abusive, cold, hard, silent God and tired of being associated with people who no longer were of light but who chose darkness and advanced oppression.
Spiritual abuse was common to many of my fellow deconverts. Some were abused by families but many experienced it from the pastors and other religious officials as well. Guilt, control, compliance, the focus on being fixed, many went through many of the same experiences I went through especially with the deliverance minister of years ago and an abusive family that shoved a religion I did not believe in down my throat. I know many were like me, they simply no longer wanted to live in guilt and shame anymore, where nothing was ever good enough, and they realized they were told to believe things that weren't coming true in real life.
I was glad to find the deconversion community and while some Christians will see us as "fallen away" heathens, my fellow deconverts were people of conscience who wanted goodness and no longer wanted to follow lies and deceptions or be part of a religion and system that brought so much misery to themselves and others. One thing we hold in common is seeking truth. Truth is not in the extremist Christianity of today. Religion has a dark side, and it's ruining America.
Update on this one: The conservatives were right to warn about the encroachment on freedom from Covid. Read more recent articles. My mind changed there. I could see the early social engineering but I noticed with horror how Covid was being used. The liberals are not sane and education seems to be more programming, most liberals have gone fascist and forgotten what freedom is in America.
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/04/christian-cruelty-face-covid-19/610477/
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