I wonder if Aspies, see dead people in a different way. I think of them more then normal people, which includes people long ago forgotten by others. I think of the deceased even people I knew years ago like old co-workers or even a student of mine that died in a canoeing accident while out on a juvenile home trip. My deceased friends are always in my mind too. Dead people were never spoken of again in my family. To become too old or disabled also seemed to bring an early erasure.
I am always cleaning out papers and found this folder of some more old cards. In it was a card and letter from my father. This is the only card and letter I got outside two other letters in years. He sent me some post cards as a child and signed birthday cards my mother bought. There was one letter where I and my brother were thrown out of the will for some forgotten offense in my early 20s. In the 1990s, there was one email where he complained about my mother's strange family--no argument there--the grunting cousins grunted at him too. Of course, there was one email where he gave me some family back ground and history that all turned out to be false.
What is sad is out of earshot or sight of my mother, is at times "he tried" on rare occasions when it came to our relationship but it would be wiped completely away as he was abusive himself and always betrayed me for her. It was too little too late. He would have been a far better person without her influence, and she continually worked on poisoning him against me. Digging through the archeology of my life, I found this card to be kind of interesting.
The sad thing about my father is at times he "tried" but he was "so owned" and controlled by my mother and his own narcissism. I sometimes have my regrets in relationships that are major. With my father, I wish I had been more brave but I had the several conversations where I said, "She hates me." and he would do nothing but defend her. So that was a useless venture. He definitely served in the classic enabler roll but in my case was a severe abuser himself.
Sadly he was very abusive himself and a narcissist but there was more the Jeckyll and Hyde thing going with my father where he would make a few concessions to "communicate" to try to be something resembling a normal father, but I noticed with my father, those few crumbs were pinned on my success.
So when I appeared to be "doing well", he was a little bit nicer to me then the usual. This happened during college and also while I was an art teacher at the juvenile home. There was still intense abuse after all this man left me gasping for air on the stairs from a severe asthma attack, and physically abused me all the time. It was strange when he would flip into "being a father" mode and gestures like this card, were more viewed with suspicion and fear rather then sharing and communication on my part.
This card had some weird things to say, maybe you will notice as I go through....it. One close friend met my parents and siblings before, and said of my father, "He is the most sad man, I have ever met." I have no argument with that there. I realized with horror with the ascension of age, he spent his whole life trying to please a woman that never would be pleased. He was miserable especially in his later years and with severe health problems including lupus. He was under my mother's thrall but also her thumb.
Later I will post a photo of this card with this article--my camera is on the fritz and borrowing one that has to be downloaded elsewhere, but it was a Ziggy Card that says...with a sad Ziggy grasping his hands on the front...
"When everyone says we can't win.....
When the odds are 100 to 1 against us.....
Let's give it all we've got, and remember this....
....
We'll probably get clobbered."
I found this an interesting selection of a car. The card is dated Dec 7, 1986 and has been mailed to my freshman dorm at a state school. He is not yet disabled, and has had a long time career in government, by this time I estimate making around 80-100,000 a year which probably would be equal to around 250,000 a year today. The attitude in the card speaks for itself. By all accounts he is a successful man, living in a 2500 square foot house--probably 3000 if you add the basement, 5-6 bedroom house, two blocks from a country club on the wealthiest street in a medium-small sized town. He is renowned enough to have his job and awards reported on in the local newspaper. So what made him feel so clobbered? Her?
My comments in italics for readability etc....
Peep [my real name],
Please note this is probably the first, very first letter/card you ever got from your Dad. [actually it was] Please note this is also the infamous Pearl Harbor Day. Nothing ever stays the same. Today's enemy is tomorrow's friend. Actually the "enemy" usually wins.
Look at the history of US aid. Anyway in case you didn't know it, we saved all hard work for when you came home. This past week your mother has had laryngitis and I've been going crazy talking to myself. I'd get lonely if I didn't have Mimi [GC sister] to yell at me. Your phone call Friday night reminded me of my days in college. In my freshman year I came home almost every weekend but when I didn't I was bored except when my roommates and friends and I when [went] to a movie or game or a party.
In my sophomore year, I could have my own wheels so I didn't come home as often but went out to visit more on weekends. Oh I did have a moped in my freshman year I got it around [one] semester to get around campus faster. (I used a bike first semester--the one that got stolen) I even rode home the 15 miles a couple of weekends at 30 mph on roads where cars traveled 50 or 60! I remember my first exams at college. They were....well I'll tell you after you take yours! In the mean time remember this will pass and anyway you can always join a nunnery or the Army or sling salad! [reference to my high school teen jobs of salad girl and prep cooking] Whatever you do have fun you only go to school once!
Good luck on your exams anyway! I know you can do it!
Dad
Ps. I searched and searched to find this card, not that. [not sure what this is referring to]
A lot stood out to me about this card. With my father, I do have the conflict that there were times he showed niceness or care on a few rare occasions, although SHE would shut that down post haste. Even abusers will be kind or give friendship or presents.
My mother never gave me any of those nice moments, I can't remember one hug, sharing of the past or kind word EVER outside of presents handed to me, but those usually given with a disgusted face attached to it. However with my father, there were a FEW of the nicer moments. While I was in college though, he joined her in plenty of the abuse. Threatening to cut off the help they were giving, telling me nothing ever was good enough. Screaming at me that a 3.2 grade point average wasn't good enough freshman year, well you all know the drill. I still was afraid of him after years of emotional and physical abuse.
I find this card telling though, the whole defeatist attitude. I had succeeded in academics most of my life though I did not realize yet the ass whipping that awaited from the career world that did not welcome me with open arms. What did that say about his own ideas of success? There definitely was evidence in my own geneaology pursuits, that he grew up among narcissists, especially with his mother. My grandmother was sued by someone for trying to force them into a nursing home in the 1950s, there is evidence of a 'possible' affair, since I learned my grandfather was not my real grandfather nor my last name really my own biological last name.
The sentence...."actually the enemy usually wins" is a telling sentence. What happened to him to bring him to believe that? Who am I to argue as I have written on this blog, that I got tired of evil winning and this is one reason for my own changes regarding religion and more. That one says a lot to me.
One thing about my father is he had no friends, and was totally dependent on my mother for all social interactions. She probably would have chased anyone away and most likely did. He only had himself to talk to literally. I was a dutiful daughter type making phone calls and visits but was he close to me? Not really. She gets layrngitis and that's enough for him to knock around the house alone.
You can see the usual "Cinderella" theme in the sentence, "we saved the hard work for you".
Then there's the sentence about my GC N sister yelling at him. She hated him and disrespected him all the time. Because she was the GC, he never abused or hit her unlike I and my brother. When my N sister got older, she got more abusive to him and would scream at him in the house. It was crazy, he would sit there and take it too and never dare to yell back at her. I am sure this was encouraged by my mother. He could just be sitting somewhere and she would come up and scream. He was a yeller too but weirdly subservient to my sister and kissed her butt. My mother never defended him either from her onslaughts. Those were some strange family dynamics.
He reminded blind to his situation and never woke up about it. I also realized how conditional everything was and dependent on success and conformity. His own narcissism kept him trapped.
So I found this card interesting. I do have some weird thoughts about my father how he could have been a much better person. One can have conflicting thoughts about complex people. I got the feeling narcissists crushed him too and that began very young. Many men brought up in narcissistic families will go on to choose wives that continue the abuse.
I made completely different decisions in my life and followed another path. He was being abused in his own home. Sometimes even abusers and lower level narcissists will be abused by higher level narcissists. So wonder he was miserable. The feeling of being "clobbered" had to be there.
There was a spark inside, where I think on occasion he "tried", but it was dampened out. I think about all the various low level narcissists and minions who always did what they were told and rejected and betrayed the people who still had empathy. They are on the path to misery lane themselves. It's all a shame.
The Expensive Trip of a Lifetime
Articles on my Father
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