New Life Rule: Never Give Anyone Advice or Be More Careful About It

Seriously I need to quit it.

One needs to ask first if someone wants your advice.

I don't have money, power or resources to help anybody anyhow. I can't even help myself. I'm barely staying out of the nursing home now, with mobility and other problems. 

I don't mind advice, some people's advice has gotten me out of a jam. One has to make it clear of course, whatever they decide is their decision at the final point. Some good friends gave me advice yesterday I liked. It may help solve a problem. Advice can help. We got car handles fixed on a car asking for help. We have been able to find solutions to problems ourselves.

Part of me wants to do good in the world, I guess whether that's based on faults or not. I even have tried to help homeless people from years ago. Being low on money but good on research, I'd help people search for resources. There were a few times, it helped. One young online acquaintance was able to find disabled housing and be freed of an abusive household. I helped one friend learn about PACE and find help during severe illness.

Other times things went worse for the person. They didn't always use my advice in this case or maybe just some of it.  Everyone's life is their own choices, but then you can be on the stick for giving bad advice if things went badly for your friend or acquaintance and they incorporated any of it. That can be a danger zone.  Then you're the person at fault. I once advised this one online friend on how to apply for disability and when she got turned down, she got really angry at me.

Some take the autistic analytical nature to try and get to the bottom of something or even help someone very wrong. I need to realize giving some neurotypical people advice pisses them off. I see myself as helping but some just get angry.  Some assume I am looking down at them. Well in our dog eat dog world where everything runs by status, maybe some probably have been looked down on before. They don't know me enough especially in online situations to know that is not how I operate.

One thing that's different between autistic and neurotypical culture, us Aspies do openly talk about our problems, even if they are bad among ourselves. There's less pressure to save face. We will give each other advice. Take it or leave it. We don't get pissed off at each other for it. In those circles, I can be more open. Some of my friends with autism, they have been burned so much in neurotypical land, they stay away except for necessary interactions like for business and commerce. 

I like a lot of neurotypicals, and want better communication with them, and have friends who are, but have to be more mindful of the advice thing. Of course people with autism can get bad advice too, and or be told they are "not enough" over and over. I've been told basically "Stop being autistic". Some may read this article and even say "Oh this is an excuse for your crappy advice and arrogant nature!"

One thing my husband has warned me, he thinks I am getting into too many fixes with people and that too many are using me as a sounding board or free counselor especially online. He has told me he wants me to be more careful with online interactions. While I've gotten good friends online, it can be complicated.  Sharing problems does not a friendship make there has to be some mutual interests and affection. Maybe I've erred and told people too many of my problems online too so did the same thing from my end. 

If people move on to better things or even life worsens and they haven't found solutions, then they "move on". I of course notice they are pulling away, and sometimes foolishly ask why and get anger in response. I don't realize in some cases there probably never was a friendship to begin with.  

 No one wants to be a project friend, I hated that too of course. When it's all about giving advice and "fixing you". In this case, I wasn't trying to make them a project friend or anything. I was thinking of solutions. I never was forceful about it like you have to do this but it was a bad idea over all. They took it all wrong.

I also have to make sure to avoid falling into this trap again, after ACON recovery, I did walk from some involuntary counselor positions like with the Army friend. On my end, I also had to learn not to tell people my problems too or at least save it for very close and mutual friends. Remember when I wrote this article:

Why You Never Tell People Your Problems

Which kind of sucks that things are this complicated but sadly they are. Here's an interesting Quora conversation "What is your opinion about telling or not telling people your problems?

There may be a codependency problem in wanting to "help" people so much. Maybe that's another onion layer, where my narcissistic family made me feel like I had to be "of use" to be considered worthy to anyone. It's putting me in a trap with people and bringing me to a place of hurt way too often.

Here I don't want to shut down all the "help", someone told me this week they saw me as being the "mother" of one group I am in so surely saw some positives in what I had to share. Here is a place where I have to seek some balance.