"On his sister Tiffany, who took her own life in 2013
My sister Tiffany was child number five. So she was the youngest girl and the second to the youngest child; there were six kids in the family.
It's interesting. Looking back over her life, my mom never really liked Tiffany very much. Tiffany was too much like my mother, and I remember that as a child almost ... I just thought, Ugh, wouldn't want to be Tiffany. ...
The rest of us should've said, "Mom, you need to do something about this, because that's not OK for you to treat somebody that way." But we never said that. We never called our mother on her behavior towards Tiffany. You think, You're 7, what are you going to do? But I wasn't always 7. I was 20 and I was 30. ... Tiffany had a lot of anger at us and a lot of it was really well-founded. We were adults, we could've said to our mother, "This isn't OK." ...
[Per Tiffany's wishes] nobody [from the family] went to the memorial service. Her ashes went to somebody that she had worked with once, and my sister Lisa called this woman and said, "Could we have just a thimble full to scatter in the ocean behind the beach house?" And the woman said, "No." I understand that. Tiffany didn't want us to have them. The woman was just honoring Tiffany's wishes."
David Sedaris On The Life-Altering And Mundane Pages Of His Old Diaries
I always wondered if he saw some of the Internet controversy about Tiffany, and how she was viewed. I wrote about how I believed Tiffany was a scapegoat some time ago.
In Defense of Tiffany Sedaris
Oddly the story of Tiffany resonates not only with myself removing the problems with drug addiction and time in an abusive boarding school but with that cousin I recently wrote about. Her life reminds me of what Tiffany went through too and she suffered the challenges of drug addiction.
Maybe some of the writings and videos on line got David Sedaris to think about a few things, I hope so. I am glad he admitted her anger was well-founded, this validation well it's kind of late, but he at least admits that they betrayed her standing by as adults remaining silent as the abuse continued.
Why do people stay so silent and why is the good will of narcissists always more important? These are questions that are hard to answer. I do hope he has found more understanding in what happened to his sister. I am no contact with my entire family now, and with a few, I heard the words of "regret" and admissions that my mother and others were abusive but no one ever spoke out for me. As their loyalties lied with the narcissists, many of us have no choice but to part ways from our entire family systems.
One cousin even wrote, "She still abuses you" which probably tells me that some mighty smear campaigns have been in the mix, but no one ever has spoken out in my entire life. Most scapegoats go through this, and adults who should know better, stay silent in the face of abuse.
Tiffany had some friends speak out for her after her death and the person they described was so different from how her family viewed her. This definitely would apply to most scapegoats from narcissistic families. Those who love us actually "see" us while the families only see what the narcissists want them to see. Hopefully David Sedaris is getting more insight into his upbringing and it's affects on the siblings including Tiffany.
Someone Who Agrees About Tiffany Sedaris
Important question, "why do people stay so silent and why is the Goodwill of the narcissist more important?" This is where the evil of the narc causes confusion. The narcs master the victim role. Making themselves the victim and somehow escaping accountability for destroying people. Their " goodwill" is the exact opposite and actually is maliciousness. A sly move to the inexperienced eye. But we are on to it. My narc parents are trying to destroy my sibling, I'm no contact with them but if I ever talk to them I'm calling them on their evil trickery, my sibling is a severe alcoholic.. it's kills me how she is trapped in her pain, sometimes when she is really drunk she starts sounding exactly like my mom. So disturbing.i know it's not really her, there is a authentic person under the damaged shell. But so buried, I can barely reach her. I know by hurting the people we love, the MN parents find a way to hurt us NC acons. Thanks for writing on this subject Peep. It's so hard to understand. MG
ReplyDeleteHi MG, yes their evil does cause confusion, and they love to play victims and peg the scapegoats as the evil ones, and turn entire groups of people against them, they definitely do escape all acountability. Yes people aren't on to them, they fool them and wear the "nice" outer shell. That's terrible about your sibling, and she sounds like she is trapped in her pain and in substance abuse. Yes she probably is acting out what they told her to become, and thinks by taking your mother's path she will overcome, but she never will that way. I had the people who were so buried I could not reach them. With Aunt Scapegoat that is how it was for me exactly, I tried reaching out. Be careful if you do and protect yourself, some who are abused by these narcs sadly 100 percent adopt their world view and way of doing things. They hurt people and destroy relationships. Yes it is hard to understand. I wonder if any scapegoats ever have a brave sibling or other relative who does stand up and say no more. If there are any they do seem very rare. I am glad you are one of those rare siblings who would speak out for your sister. I tried to for Aunt Scapegoat but didn't do enough and they were busy trying to destroy me too.
DeleteYeah Peep, you have to be really careful having a relationship with anyone still in contact with narc parents, even a sibling. These MN parents love destroying and torturing sibling relationships. Even from early childhood and infancy. I'm staying with complete NC with my parents but I know they always look even for a sliver of an open door to slither thru. Your completely right my sibling is completely trapped in her pain and thinks her substance abuse eases it, but it actually makes things less clear, and she is more vulnerable and confused. MG
ReplyDeleteMG for me, I couldn't have a relationship with ANYONE in contact with my mother, I guess that happens to a lot of ACONS, with the cousins, they were keeping constant company with my mother and visiting Uncle Narc and his wife--the one who put me down for being poor all the time quite openly. Yes so many destroyed sibling relationships. Both of mine are, and she bought my brother off, almost immediately after my NC. Yes we have to be careful with the open doors, I have to shut down the emails though I don't have the intense emotions I used to have seeing them in the early years of NC, oh it's the cold stone idiots again, oh another dead email, oh another email showing off to friends and family, there's really no other kind. Sadly your sister is trapped in her pain, I am curious does she acknowledge they are abusive or narcissists or is she stuck in self-blame and denial? Both my siblings are so far down denial highway, there was nothing I could do, well both became narcs with one pretty far along the spectrum. She is definitely more vulnerable to them and they probably are already using her addiction for tons of narc supply if she is contact with them. I saw Aunt Scapegoat used that way. I want to be treated as a human being not the narc "charity case" but in my case they weren't running to rescue me like her, they were hoping I'd kick off. Yeah I hope you have some good fortune and the miracle of getting through to a sibling, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones where another siblings wakes up and gets out.
DeleteIt seems a bit narcissistic to focus on squandered potential. But really in hind sight you see the tortured wouldn't have been that way but for some very small gestures of kindness. The investment in treating people better is so small and the return is so large.
ReplyDeleteI agree, just some kindness would have steered many lives a far different direction.
DeletePeep, your question about if my sibling realize my parents are abusive or if she is in denial is hard to awnser because she knows they have done weird, evil, neglectful things but at the same time she holds on to the hope that someday she will have a parent that will love her. I think this may have made her personality split. It is: she is a tortured person. Being used as supply like your aunt Scapegoat. MG
ReplyDeleteyou are right it could have split her personality. I held out too long though I was LC officially even in my mind, hoping one day, increased success, thinness, etc would "earn" their love and respect. So I can understand that because it was me, but sadly she will never be free, this false hope hurts many people and we live in the society of "false hope" where the think positive crap, actually helps the victimizers take advantage of their victims. Yeah probably like Aunt Scapegoat, she was so beaten down she never fought back.
Delete