Nine Years of No Contact

9 years the end of June... 

 Mother's Day still sucks. 

 I had to walk from the entire family as many long time readers know. The last of the cousins was around 4 years ago? It's hard to remember.

BTW I still get hoovered. Even now. Some people never change. Some narcissists probably life long will "test boundaries" hoping you have a weak spot or a day of woeful nostalgia That's hard for me because outside of "getting a few things or nice trips", I don't have memories of hugs or nice moments.  The siblings were somewhat fun as children but that changed.

Nothing was resolved. Don't hold out for that dream that your family will "wake up" or you will get allies. In the beginning I had these dreams, that some allies "may come around". Some main narcissists would choose a new scapegoat and the new scapegoat's eyes would open. Forget about it. I still wouldn't let them in the door anyway.

I'm a stranger now anyhow. I've been gone a long time. Seriously after 9 years they would not recognize me in the street, my looks radically changed.  I looked pretty youthful through my 40s, but that's over with now. There's kids who were still at home with Mom and Dad, who are now in their first jobs and out of the house.

Life got better until Covid came. I was seeing it blossom. I do wonder how good things would have gotten. It was on the way if that makes sense. My health of course was always a problem.

Don't be me and wait until your 40s to get out. Get out as young as possible. Don't waste time people pleasing, people will abuse you more. I've been able to find nice people but just as the tide was turning Covid cracked everything down. 

 I'm being punished now by sociopaths and narcissists, their names are Bill Gates, and too many politicians. It's weird how I warned the boomers may burn down this world before they shuffle off this mortal coil. Maybe there's a 100 year cycle on crappy generations. Not every boomer is bad, but have you noticed we have this 100 year cycle of the worse? There were a bunch of revolutions even in the 1790s-1820s. The Fourth Turning people probably based their theories on this. 

I suspect during other times of revolutions, wars and social distress, there's been other people escaping crappy families but it's a bad combination to face isn't it? You feel alone as the world burns down, but if we were around them, they would just stress us out more. My family was of the system, and I would lay down money that all of them lined up for the vaxxes and believe Fauci. Maybe the cousin who married a homeschooled religious girl was talked out of it, but whose to know?

 My siblings and cousins became horrible people. Sometimes you think of them young and remember some life and vitality and think "What happened?". That's not to say I didn't get old and grumpier but at least I kept some passion in life and desire for truth.

 You do deal with loss even as you grow old, because you see other people with their families even people older then you hanging out with nephews, nieces, grandchildren etc. It's weird to me how I know these 60-80 years olds and they tell me things like, "my nephew came to visit", or "my sisters and I bought a house together".  I have one local friend who helps to take care of a severely sick sister. You see the connections that were lost long ago.

It can be hard to deal with the outside world wondering why you have no family. To spare myself pain, I told most they died off, some did. It is a decision I would make again and have no regrets for it. This changed my later years of no contact for the better. This was the cardinal mistake I made in the early years and yes, I got a lot of predators who came out to play. There's some people even friends of 4-5 years I never told. Some people don't have the capacity to understand. It's better they never faced this. They came from loving families that cared about them.

 However as I got older and wiser, I realized the immensity of what was lost to be in a family that did not value me, to be around sociopathic/narcissistic abusers, the invalidation and more. You do see a big gaping hole. The hole was there long before I walked. Over the years, I thought of those times when no one was there for me, there was one moment in college, another time when I hit severe poverty before I knew my husband. There never was the feeling, "Those people are my kin and they will help me, they care". There was only fear, rejection and harm. I think while knowing the truth is painful, it's better then living in the delusion of supposedly "having a family". You don't except the one you have with a spouse, partner, your own children or found friends.

Strange memories did arise over the years. I suppressed A LOT. There can be a lot of layers to the onion. I do think because of the autism and my extreme obesity/stage 4 Lipedema, the abuse went in deeper. The outside world wasn't the saving grace it can be to many. I would find community and kind people, but the having no family thing, made the endless losses even harder. This is one reason I am not coping well with Covid. 

Those who were able to have a family of their own probably can "heal" more as an ACON especially if they break the cycle for new generations. However for some of us who got too damaged physically and mentally by our abuse, one price of that is often you can end up childless. Of course many due to the bad example given by their parents or other choices and focuses in life choose to be child free. 

You miss the people who were never there. I was spared a lot of BS being gone. Yes they still hoover me but they never change and it is the same crap over and over. They will never apologize or wake up or be like a regular human with a heart and conscience. Engrave that in your soul, because otherwise you'll waste a lot of years. I became a different personality, I don't take crap from anyone now and avoid abusers. I do think of the people who should be there but aren't. They really don't exist. 

I got to the point where I wouldn't think of them for days unless a recent hoover happened. Mother's Day kind of sucks because it revives things. It does bring the "bad stuff" back to my mind for a little bit every year. They became "those people I used to have to deal with", "ghosts of the past". Honestly they are all a mystery to me now. Kids with 9 years added to them aren't even the same people anymore. I'm not the same person. They would not recognize who I am now either. They never really knew me anyhow. 

No contact was a good decision. I do not regret it. There are some prices that come with it, but that is true of everything. Life is far better not being abused. I just feel sadness that years I could be having now in freedom have been affected by Covid. It seems just so unfair.