Does the Grey Rock Method Work for Scapegoats?
Seriously save the grey rock stuff for the office while you look for a new job. I warn of the dangers of low contact. Shutting down your personality, and your emotions to get along peacefully with malignant narcissists is the path to repression and losing yourself. As one fellow blogger said, "It's basically invalidating yourself". That is very true.
I grey rocked for YEARS. I was low contact for a long time. I put the smiles on, and had visions of myself sitting on a bed patting down a blanket as monsters roared underneath it. My entire mode when I visited my family was to shut down all emotions, from sadness to anger. Everything was repressed. I had tired of emotions being used against me and just wanted the day to go by without any trouble. In my youth, I had fought back some, only to have it turned against me. With the Christian doormat training, my decision to keep a perpetual smile on my face and calm in the false of endless abuse was not a good one.
The damage it can do over the long haul can be immense where you stop talking openly to people or show any negative emotions. You become used to hiding yourself or thinking anything about you will be JUDGED. In some ways you become an invisible person.
In many ways this empowers narcissists in our society. Their victims are told to assent, or stay quiet. Grey Rocking is used as answer even for long term situations, and that's wrong. I and my husband still have conversations that pop up on occasion. I tell him everyday I wake up with relief I don't have to deal with those people anymore. No more vomiting in a bathroom or putting a mask on to mute myself. And that was what greyrocking was... MUTING MYSELF TO KEEP ASSHOLES HAPPY.
If you are trapped like in a bad job, or living with a malignant narc because the only other option is the street, grey rocking can serve a purpose but don't make it the long term plan. This is where No Contact is the best option.
"If you are trapped like in a bad job, or living with a malignant narc because the only other option is the street, grey rocking can serve a purpose but don't make it the long term plan. This is where No Contact is the best option." - yes, I so agree.
ReplyDeleteYou have made a lot of good points here!
BTW, stomach upset is a symptom of PTSD. So is not being able to sleep. Just so you know.
Thanks Lise. I was diagnosed with PTSD several times. It is hard to explain the fear I felt around those people. I had years of insomnia as a child and never could go into a deep sleep, even to the point when I was living at home that last year after college, I don't think it did wonders for my health and weight either. I remember tons of nights were I was up at 1am-3am etc as a child.
DeleteSame here. And I can relate. It was always easy to fall asleep, but after a few hours, for the majority of the night, no. I remember singing in the middle of the night many times (as quietly as I could) because I thought that was better than just lying there in fear.
DeleteThe only thing that kept me alive was summer camp and knowing it was there in my future every summer. A lot more sleep, a way to expand beyond just thinking about abuse all of the time, wonderful counselors the opposite of abusers. I cried buckets when I had to leave at the end.
I bet summer camp was your time to catch up on sleep. When I went away to college, I remember sleeping deep for the first time in years, except for dealing with the roommates. I used to sneak flashlights and read....instead of singing but understand. I had to be cautious not to get caught. Glad your camp was a caring place with good counselors, understand the crying over leaving.
DeleteI can relate to the stomach upsets... living in a toxic situation right now. I eat, but I force down my food. Before New Year's I had such a bad stomach ache for two days I couldn't get out of bed. It's just gotten worse, am looking for another place to live and the person I've been living with has turned against me because he wants me to move out immediately. Well I can't just do that. It reminds me too much of the nightmare home that I grew up in.
ReplyDeleteWow, sorry you are going through that Thrown Away Daughter, hope you can find stable housing soon. I know not having a home to retreat to that is safe, has to be hellish for anyone.
DeleteOnce you are out of malignant and covert narcissistics' lives, it is easier to grey rock and go no contact. My adopted sister and I have been at least thousands of miles away from our malignant narcissistic adopted mother for about two decades. I am no contact, and my sister has been grey rocking with supportive friends and adult children hanging out with her.
ReplyDeleteSome scapegoats who faced danger while grey rocking their narcs do not have a reliable support system. It is very hard to leave your abuser when you do not have funds, a safe place, and a network of people and local social services who would help you to leave your abuser.
I am glad you were able to grey rock and go no contact. Hopefully your sister will turn grey rocking and low contact into no contact, and it does help to have supporters. I know some are in situations where they are on their own, and it does make things harder especially if they do not have financial independence or good funds to leave their abusers.
DeleteThanks Peeps, doing everything I can to get out of this place.
ReplyDeleteI avoid getting involved in his arguments as much as possible.
Make sure you leave when they are gone, and keep them on an information diet. Lie if you need to. People like that will sabotage and do very bad things. Stay safe!
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