Resiliency and Survival

 

 the word resilient over a mindfulness watercolor I did to relax.

 I wrote this essay for the UUs last March, the theme was resiliency. Now this service was canceled so I never got to do this reading when Covid came along and the early lock downs began. It is ironic what I wrote about now.

Yesterday I went to an "emergency preparedness" seminar held by a local disability group on Zoom. This seminar tells me I have a lot more to get and to do a list. I need more batteries, flashlights, ready made food and other things. Money wise I have to be cautious. I am not counting on another stimulus either. One thing about emigration where our decision was leaning towards "no" is that survival is far easier around people you know. I do wish we had more close local friends, but UU church members have already been there for us and have helped us.  I also have had long distance and online friends be there for me in ways that are amazing.  I wish I could do more for others, on my end.

If I was a charismatic person with normal levels of energy, I would be forming a local co-op for mutual survival. I should sign up for Next Door. With neighbors, there is one friendly couple and others I would ask for help here, but there's lots of anti-maskers to avoid.

 Maybe some of you with normal social functioning and health may want to consider co-ops in the future. I believe society very likely could be falling into collapse. Covid has kind of screwed things up because it's keeping people divided.  The people who survive will be people who band together. The modern American families like my own that only lived in competition as some ascended and many descended to be cast away, are pretty useless when it comes to mutual survival.

Those who enjoyed true kinfolk once upon the time, would be in shock. When it comes to family, if yours wants you to risk your life for visits, parties, Thanksgiving dinner, put yourself and your immediate household first. In the time of Covid, you have to stick with trusted circles now where you know they didn't go to a crowded bar the night before to infect you. Anyone who wants you to go to crowded party during a time of plague is not thinking of your best interests. 

 If I was still in contact, I could not trust mine to keep me safe. Many of us ACONs face that, we were on our own even often as children. Several people within my well off family had the means to help my husband with employment during our more desperate times and simply refused. There was one relative who owned a whole factory, there was one guy so high up in media, he had famous people as friends. Yeah it really was like that. One ex-friend hired people out of high school for middle class government jobs in offices and refused to help us too. Yeah no contact was revelatory on multiple levels. I'm no longer someone's dog to be kicked where they got jollies seeing us scrape and beg.  One part of survival is standing up for one's self. Resiliency takes casting timidity aside. 

 Our society hovers at the edge of collapse now. I do hope for better but the worse could happen. Covid seems to be one never ending cluster fuck. Now people who have read this blog long enough know I am not a Pollyanna type, I'll tell you how I see it. This doesn't mean give up, as the Orange Asshole has destroyed our lives. Hopefully Biden will do a mask mandate or a complete lock-down that will alleviate the nightmare. Perhaps all the death and destruction right in of the face of the right wing deluded types, finally gets their minds to change because Uncle Joey died drowned in his own fluids in the ICU and now it's not just something happening to other people "supposedly" but directly to them and they start wearing masks and taking precautions.  How many lives will be lost needlessly in the meantime?

I always wanted to be a prepper but never had money to pull it off. I own some weird stuff a normal apartment person probably does not own. We have a small hatchet in case I have to chop some wood, a bag of various organic seeds, a back up generator for CPAP that gives one day of power--one of my now ex-friends who is a Trumpster and Christian got me that--I am still thankful for that.  I keep what extra medication I can too. Most medication I use up month to month, but there were extras when dosages changed or I was switched onto another med. Often in Chicago, I was forced to go without medicine due to poverty and remember what it feels like. With medicines, always make sure you inform yourself which meds stay safe and which ones do not or become ineffective with age.

Food wise, I had stockpiled some food, but we had weevils take over the kitchen. One negative aspect of food pantries for the poor is often, they will give you food that is infested and old or has been sitting in a warehouse. I was lax just putting in bags of corn meal the pantries gave us and leaving pasta in boxes it came in but the weevils took over, so I had to throw away a lot. This sucked. Of course I had the thought there's no way I was ever going to be able to eat all these carbs. I don't bake. So I questioned why in the hell did I have all this flour and corn meal? Meat and vegetables always disappear first in here.

 I make corn bread maybe once every three months and add cheese and eggs to it. We always had frustration with the food pantries because everything we got was so carb and sugar rich. The former stimulus allowed me to forgo the food pantries for some time, and I am not sure I want to go back unless our desperation builds to a point we can't help it. It was hard needing food from people you know who voted for people out to destroy our lives economically and who preached God will fix your lives, it got triggering at times. I also need to ask my doctor again for back up antibiotics.

 I am an odd person when it comes to survival, maybe because I have seen so much. Our apartment had this fire last year as a neighbor down the hall had his food in his oven start on fire after he fell asleep. Our apartment complex took this so serious they put kill switches on all our ovens and stoves if they were left on or the fire alarm was triggered.  I always have rehearsed in my mind, what do I need to survive...I grabbed my walker, and threw on it, my unplugged CPAP, nebulizer, medicines I keep in a bag--they are expensive and never could be replaced at retail price, diabetes bag,  the insulin and lung medicine out of the fridge, grabbed underwear, coat and dresses out of the closet, the leather case of important papers including wedding certificate, insurance papers, lease and other papers. My purse was included too of course. I know neighbors probably thought I was nuts, but I've been around this world long enough to be like a Girl Scout and be prepared. 

If I go more than 30 miles from home, I take an old CPAP, that is 10 years old, and an old nebulizer, with emergency lung medicine and my dosages of my regular. This also includes a week's worth of medicine even for a day trip in case I have to be hospitalized or other circumstances happen.  Some people have found this odd, but maybe I want to be able to sleep if the car breaks down and I am stranded somewhere over night.  The Zoom conference did cover the needs of the disabled and how we have to make preparations above and beyond.

 The neighbors walked out with very little from our smoke filled halls and with the blaring alarms. Some may question my delay on getting out, but I made my decision for a reason. I know some fires I would have no choice, maybe I would have gotten the bag of important papers which I keep by my bedroom door and nothing else.  We do have renters insurance. Apartment buildings do burn down. I've saw one large building I thankfully didn't live in reduced to cinders in my old town and know of another one around here that burned down.

It is odd, that once I left Christianity and came away from some conspiracy theory that some of weird stuff I used to warn about seemed to be happening. The Christian conspiracy world told me plagues would come and FEMA would march us all into camps to make us take dangerous vaccines at gunpoint. I pictured something more like "Captain Tripps" in  Stephen King's The Stand then this slower burning "lung destroying" illness. Also a plague kind of destroys the vigilant CPTSD person's plan B which is get the hell out of Dodge when things go bad. Where is there to run when they have ruined everywhere?

Can you imagine now some weird places my brain goes? 

It seems like a wrench thrown in the works. Part of my recovery was feeling like the world was a safe place again. I really needed that.  I was years into my no contact and was enjoying feelings of "being  safer". I've eluded to my past, where several therapists diagnosed me with PTSD [CPTSD] based on the abuse I've written about and other happenings, including violence I have seen. I have had severe anxiety disorders diagnosed too for years. This often happens to ACONs. I am someone who really needed the world TO BE SAFE. 

That said I have had strange thoughts that for a person whose already lost everything before, watching the world go to absolute shit may be easier to deal with on some levels. I mean you've had practice before. If you've had to eat out of a trash can, are you going to cry because some events got cancelled? If the bottom has fallen out and you've been on your near death bed before, then things will look different.  I've had to do stuff like stay up for 48 hours because I cannot sleep without my CPAP and audaciously once plugged my nebulizer into a socket at McDonalds to take my daily lung medicine. I figured if someone wanted to throw me out they'd do it, but before they did, I'd get a good dosage of lung medicine. I was left alone. I have friends who would help now if there was no power for a week and others have rescued me too and I've had friends help with amazing things and help keep me alive. "Look for the helpers" wasn't some Pollyanna stuff I wrote in this to make sure to add something uplifting, but something I had to enact to stay alive. It did work.

I think Americans are going to have a lot of life change. Many will be having their very value systems uprooted. The ones who adapt and who can care about other people will have far better chances of survival. Even though I have complained about the people worsening the problems, and with no empathy, remember the ones with empathy are there too. Those are the people we want to join forces with.  This gives me hope in such a dark world.

This story centered on the blizzard I got stuck in. Looking back at this story, I realize I was definitely with a narcissist. The me of today would have stayed in the hotel in Raleigh, and used a credit card to get home. There are resources for stranded travelers too, I know about at this age, I wish I knew about then. 

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The Creativity of Survival

I was in the “Superstorm of 1993”. It was also called "The Storm of the Century" This was a huge cyclone that brought devastating blizzards and tornadoes to almost the entire eastern seaboard and killed 300 people. Back then I was healthier though on my way to disability but traveled to North Carolina with a new friend because I wanted to look for a teaching job. My art teaching job at the juvenile home was going to end because the grant was ending.

So I got in a car with a very new post grad college friend and headed down to North Carolina. Big mistake. Never travel long distance with anyone you haven't known at least for a few years and even then be careful.

The first lesson I learned here, is NEVER TRAVEL with anyone you don't totally trust. Never go on trips with people who want to drill a hole in your boat.

I remember waking up that morning in our hotel in Raleigh, telling her I felt an ominous feeling, the weather forecasts were all scary. She kept repeating, “We are in the South, it won't be much”. I remember getting in argument with her, but it was “her car, her decision”.

I learned a second lesson from this permanently for life. Which is ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. Human intuition developed for a reason. It is the alarm bells in our brain meant to wake you up! I should have stayed put and taken a bus home.

That's one thing that will help you in survival. Always LISTENING To your INNER VOICE that says DANGER DANGER! Because I failed to listen to my inner voice that day.

We proceeded on. She found my travel preparations strange and called me a worry wart. I had these rules about travel where I always took matches, at least two-three gallons of water and emergency food on any trip. On this trip, I had my suitcase full of clothes, asthma inhalers, medication, two gallons of drinking water, this giant box of Cheezit crackers, 5 to 6 cans of Vienna sausages, matches, a few paperback novels and two flashlights. She told me I took everything to the extreme and made fun of me.

I pack now like a girl scout on any trip I take. People don't understand this but you will see how this helped me later. "Be Prepared" has been a scouting motto for decades and means according to the founder of the Boy Scouts Robert Baden-Powell, "Be Prepared" means: "“you are always in a state of readiness in mind and body to do your duty.” Grit demands preparedness.

We continued on, snow and sleet and a weird icy rain all fell with hours. She would not pull off, saying she had to get home to Michigan within 2 days for work. I was getting scared her little car was slipping and sliding all over. We were driving deeper into the Appalachian mountains. I was petrified.

The snow was getting so deep at one point I knew we were going to get stuck. By then we could see cars that had slid off the road, and we were the only ones left plugging away. Even the truckers had long ago given up. An exit  came up. She refused to pull off, something was wrong with her, like an insanity had taken over to “keeping going”. I knew then if we did not get off, we were looking at freezing or DYING.

That day, I got loud and in fighting mode to get us off the road and off on that exit. I told her she had no choice but to pull off. I screamed and yelled, “GET OFF HERE!” For you see, Mount Airy was the LAST exit for at least 50-60 miles. Mount Airy by the way is where Andy Griffith was from and the town was exactly like his show portrayed it to be.

The lesson learned in this is sometimes you do have to take the bull by the horns and sometimes standing up for yourself is needed in this life. Grit often means refusing to be a doormat. You can't be weak. Letting people roll over you can come with a heavy price. The weak path could have led to us both losing our lives. I had to put my foot down.  I literally fought to stay alive.

That's one lesson here too, sometimes you do have to express ASSERTIVENESS to stay alive. In this life, you have to show up for yourself. That's an important part of grit, the self care, that draws boundaries and protects yourself.

We drove off the exit. There were some buildings there but we were right on the edge of town. The car GOT STUCK, and would not budge the snow got so deep. The car was now no good to us. We waited for some time. A sheriff's deputy showed up to help us, he had a 4 wheel drive that was not stuck in the snow. He took us to this fire station.

One lesson here is in all trouble LOOK for the helpers. Ask for help.  Mr. Rogers gives that as good advice, always LOOK for the helpers. I've had times in life where if not for helpers I never would have made it. There's times I had people step in where they literally SAVED my life. This sheriff's deputy saved our lives too. The temperature was dropping. The car was already low on gas.

The decision was made to take us to this motel. Now you may think at this point all trouble is over, we are rescued! We get driven to the motel on the edge of town which is basically a one story job, a small country motel with the doors right outside for the cars to pull up to. This motel is on the edge of town too.

All the water and power was off. There was no water or a very tickle coming out of the faucets. The temperature was dropping to below 10 degrees. At this point in life, I already had some lung troubles including severe asthma. We were miles away from any restaurants or houses at that point, with all the snow, even the ones we could see in the distance were too far.

We wrapped ourselves up in sheets and blankets in that motel room shivering. It is good I had all that stuff with me. I remember those cold dark days. Here was a time mental strength was required. One has to deal with things as they ARE not as you wish them to be. Accepting reality goes a long way. One has to stay calm, avoid panic and focus on the outcome. Also holding as much confidence in your ability to survive will serve you as well.

It would turn out that this storm was so bad, it basically crashed society for 5-6 days. The power was out for long time. The roads were so full of mountains of snow, there was going no where. The highway out of town to continue our trip was impassable for DAYS. The only food we had for the days spent waiting in the hotel room was my very large box of Cheezit crackers and Vienna sausages. Under the piles of blankets we got through the worse of the cold, and the temperatures started to go back up. I remember thinking at the time, if we can get through the beginning we will be okay. We never gave up hope.

Oddly the office manager had this giant pile of used magazines in his office. I asked him for some magazines and took a giant pile of them. I got so cold, I went outside to try and build a small fire out in the snow next to the motel using the magazines. I had worked at a Girl Scout Camp where we built fires for the kids to cook on. You can tell I was pretty desperate because my asthma didn't like smoke but I had the vision of standing out of the smoke line. There wasn't any dry wood so it was a problem so I had to go back to shiver in my blankets in the motel room.

The small moment of heat from the burning magazines gave me some solace, at least I felt some heat for a few minutes. The lesson here is being RESOURCEFUL. Don't worry about what people think if it's all hit the fan, follow your ideas. Use your creativity. Let people judge you, it's your life and your job to take care of yourself. So I looked like a nutcase, building a fire outside of a motel, it gave me warmth for that short time.

We stuck it out some more days. I remember following some advice of stoics I had read, like "knowing what is under your control, ignore what is not". Sometimes when it really goes pear shaped in this world, that's all you can do, seek to control and change what you can, but let the rest go, you have no control over. I think that's what got me through.

The time eventually ended in the cold dark hotel room, they got the power back on, her car got dug out, the snow melted and we were able to return to normal life and drive back home. That time we followed the route I wanted to take. We left the mountains and drove up through the Washington DC area instead at my direction.