The Covid Insanity Just Seems to Grow Worse

Covid19 has isolated me quite a bit outside of my marriage. I and my husband formed our own little cocoon. We are supposed to make paintings of birds together this week. I just read a book proposal he is working on. We ate Middle Eastern food on our anniversary. I had falafel and salad, and he ate meat kabobs. He will have to do grocery shopping soon. He took me to the kidney doctor yesterday, the news wasn't so bad. So I am not alone and that's good. However I am scared for all the single people whose lives have been removed of all people.

My social life otherwise has gone completely into the toilet outside of Zoom and online friends and associates. I suppose this is true of many people. I always used to think the powers that be wanted to destroy all the human connections they could. I am old enough to remember when life operated differently and people did get together and talk, and now that seems so rare. There were days I was even crying over missing people in groups I used to see on a regular basis. That was strange.

Sometimes I worry that now they want every conversation observed and documented on Zoom and they will never let people have friends or see people again. Our normal lives may never come back. Humans are social creatures, I believe this is going to damage people. It's affecting me even thought I am very autistic, and an introverted person. I enjoyed some social interactions and needed people in my life. This is not normal. It's causing me to withdraw, with a "why bother?" feeling. I've had one of those lives where there's been too many losses. This definitely is a loss as well. This is time we are not going to get back. Another thing since people are separated, it gives the powers that be far more control.

The quality of our lives has been destroyed over their "Great Re-set" power plays, and letting this virus run rampant over the entire planet. Their vaccines aren't reopening society either, and are of low quality, and having the human body produce "spike proteins" which harmed people who got them from the virus to begin with. [see page 67 here]  The Covid vaccines don't protect anyone from getting Covid or from it being transmitted. There's just some vague promise that it will reduce symptoms. Why has this been acceptable when our former vaccines did a much better job? What will happen if the "reprogrammed" immune systems go bad? How did so many line up with so few worries?

I feel like I am living the plot of a hellish horror movie. For now, with internet, enough food and entertainment, it's bearable, but I wonder how long those will last. Even when I used to be a Christian fundamentalist and warned from bible prophecy of all the bad things that would/could happen, I never imagined a medical dictatorship that wanted to destroy everyone's health and social lives and a virus without end. This nightmare makes Revelation look like Candyland tales, sure we warned then destruction would come and bad things from evil elites but never imagined this. This whole mess is far worse. No one guessed at a technocratic dystopia beyond a few who mentioned transhumanism, where people's health was to be destroyed across the board. They literally are destroying futures, social connection, all hope and all human freedom.

I was watching a movie via a disability Zoom group. It's a movie that is a few years old, the characters live in New York and went to support groups, theatre shows, and hang out with friends in restaurants. I loved the movie "Keep the Change" [2017]. It showed two autistic people falling in love. 

I kept thinking look at the lives they got to have. Look at everything that is ruined. For us here, there's no "normal" unless you have local friends--I don't, willing to meet up, everything is closed down etc. Even with the vaccines,  groups are not meeting. So many joys in life have been dismantled. Right now, given social ties I did build, I am missing stamp group, UU meetings, lectures, dinners, musicals, theatre shows, and meetings with one new local theatre that opened, art center classes, art openings, writing groups, poetry groups, book clubs in person, the gym, and just talking to people in general.  I worry for a future with no senior center, or other health programs and support groups. I started crying thinking "What have they done to us?" and "Is this how we are going to be forced to live for the rest of our lives?" Thankfully my Zoom camera and sound were off and I got it together before the discussion ensued.

Some people have made the decision in the "questioning the covid narrative" world to go hang out with friends who agree with them and live their lives, but due to my higher risk, and lack of local friends, this has not been possible. There's no one whose on my page around me. I don't know how to find them off line. I am not happy living life this way. I even consider moving out of my hardcore lock down state to a more open state, where there is some semblance of normal life. My husband does not want to move tired of restarting and I understand. However my state looks like Soviet Russia during the late 1980s, grey, shut down, with legions of silent shuffling people. Ironically we supposedly have one of the highest rates of Covid in the country. 

I did decide to "live" more of life. Get busy living or dying. I started going in some stores again. The time in a cage has to end at some point. I live in a locked down place. Even if you want to go and do things, there's nowhere to go. Some restaurants are open but that's about it. [25-50 percent capacity?] Most are doing take out. I hadn't been in this one large store in almost 18 months, I went during a slow time, watching everyone walk slowly around in masks, was a weird feeling. It was so quiet, that was strange. No one was talking. Laughter, smiles, jokes, or even just general conversation was obliterated. There were other couples there too but they were silent. Last week during ComCast's Watchathon, I watched Season 3 of Handmaid's Tale. It occurred to me that the handmaid's grocery store on Handmaid's Tale full of armed guards had more conversation and social connection among people. After all June needed to connect with the other Handmaids for the resistance. 

 I can't hear or read lips in the masks so our conversation was muted too but not by choice though we communicated enough at times to pick up a new vacuum cleaner. I had my transcribe phone and hearing aids with me [that I have to take out to wear the masks] but we talked on the way there and in car. Even if you go out around here, while nature and parks can be enjoyable, nothing is the same. Probably a lot of people have local families or close friends they can hang out with but I bet many don't. We had a lot of casual ties in our case but not close enough. This worried me before Covid. I have been to some medical places and centers out of necessity, but it was weird to me how the stores had just silent people moving along too. The big store was just like the medical center where I go to get my blood tests. 

We debated where to go on our anniversary. I said "Everything's closed". I thought of going some place to take pictures but even the nature center has it's facilities closed which I need to even go there so I have use of a bathroom while taking my bird and butterfly photos.

I go out to get sunshine and air, and some needed things but social interaction and civic groups etc, are dead here. I haven't seen a person smile or laugh [except on Zoom and husband] in 18 months. Outside is so depressing, there's times I just stay home. Also sometimes while I fear Covid a little less knowing they exaggerated the PCR numbers being this high risk, my mind needs the break of the worry. The virus is real and as doctors and nurses have told me, has killed people so unlike those who believe it's all a hoax, I can't throw caution to the wind like that.

 How many years is this crap going to last? The population is being beaten down. I would start seeing people myself but the virus still is spreadable among the vaccinated. There is also the growing concern the vaccinated are shedding spike proteins. I have that in the "I don't know" pile, but that worries me too. I have seen discussions of unvaccinated people getting sick from being around vaccinated people. The risk is probably minimal with masked people in stores, but what about skin and unmasked contact?

They took all the fun and laughter away and that creeps me out. Illness with out end. Their vaccines that don't bring immunity and end transmission also disgust me. Isn't that the main purpose of a vaccine to begin with? Well they failed. The 'gene therapy' doesn't stop the virus. It also seems to bring great risks.

I am now a disaffected leftist but I am scared the mindless obedience and conformity of my fellow liberals is going to lead to such a right wing pendulum swing we will be looking at Handmaid's Tale from the other side.  The right was crazy but the left has betrayed beyond measure. We are squeezed from both sides. The SOB billionaires will have their money and power and since they have the media at their hand they know how to steer the population whatever direction they want. Hell in liberal circles admitting there is a 1 percent with negative intentions is now considered "wrong" and "conspiracy". I guess the Occupy days are over and the limousine liberals love the way the world is now. They got the liberals all bowing at the feet of the elites and their dreamed of "new normal". What's happened to the left? Any ideas of freedom or working class solidarity are gone. I am politically homeless. 

Time magazine April 22, 2002.

The Covid rhetoric reminds of the time during 9-11 when the war on terror got started. I guess now it's war on your own immune system. What have we gotten but fear mongering for over a year and half. It's taken a toll on me, every time I enter a store, there's always this worry of "catching it" and dying on top of everything else I have to worry about.

The other month, I went into a small butcher and meat store and there were two older people sitting out front, no masks, bench close to the door, one's nose looked red and snotty, I didn't want to get too close. I had to wait a few minutes for them to lead to proceed forward. That's getting tiring too. While I question vaccine passports and the social engineering, I do believe there is a virus to still be careful of.

 Even the masks seemed like mostly theatre, no one educated on which masks were best. If they really wanted to stop a virus, KN95 would have been passed out on every street corner like candy financed by old war powers production instead of people wearing a motley collection of bandanas, gaiters, and whatever material their grandma could sew up for them. That has always bothered me. Some would cite that is just usual human incompetency, but it's been over a year. Isn't that something that should have been addressed? Why am I the odd woman out wearing nothing but KN95?

 If you look at my list of Covid19 links, adverse reactions to the vaccines are piling up. These are not links to conspiracy websites but regular news and other websites.  Do you think I want to lose so many people I care about? I've had grim faced silence when some people have told me eagerly of their vaccinations. 

I have learned the hard way most people are not critical thinkers. That most people who are critical thinkers are labeled crazy and if you question the system you also are labeled insane, which happened under other totalitarian regimes. I do confront myself and ask am I wrong here? I examine new evidence. There's a reason I went over to the pro-vaccine blog to test my beliefs, they failed and when they called me basically a "poopy-head" I knew their arguments were not honest ones.  Something is wrong with this picture. How can anyone accept what is happening at face value? I suppose us Aspies notice details, maybe to our detriment. 

I never knew I was supposed to trust megacorporations some with a dubious history like Johnson and Johnson or one like Moderna that has never had an FDA approved medicine. Sure I take some medicines from some Pharmaceutical companies, that are tested and proven and work. But it's like I am supposed to suspend all critical thinking and line up for Covid vaccines that don't work the same way as our good traditional vaccines and have horrific side effects and one thing I am noticing is the sheer extreme ableism and hatred for the disabled in expecting everyone to line up no matter their health history or risks.

This seems to be a genocide hell world where there's no such thing as medical exemption.  Any of you ever asked that question, why aren't any medical exemptions allowed? Does fear excuse treating people like objects to be tossed into the trash? For months, us disabled people had to hear how they would triage us, that our lives were not worth as much as other lives and now we are to be lined up like everyone else, our circumstances ignored. Developmentally delayed people are paying big time for being stuck at home, with none of their support groups, schools or other helps. Elderly people no longer have their social groups or help or senior centers too. Homeless people can't even meet at the soup kitchen for meals anymore and have to line up masked to get their bagged lunch. The human toll here goes deeper than admitted.

 I am realizing outside of a few friends who lined up and had some compassion for my medical issues, the world doesn't care but I kind of knew that long ago. ADA has basically been burned up by a match not only from the Social Darwinism of the right but now from the so called left. No one cares how vaccine passports will affect the disabled or those with medical conditions. Few understand how the risk level is different for every person.

And it's not just the disabled, but what about children who are having their social development adversely affected and now they want to give these Covid vaccines to children who have little to no danger from the Covid virus. How does this make any sense? Does anyone care about the social damage being done to millions of children? They were expected to live like high risk people no longer allowed to play or have lives. Aren't the old supposed to sacrifice for the young instead of the other way around?  And why are they giving risky experimental vaccines to children who have little to no risk from the virus? All those young men who had heart attacks would have had normal healthy lives without the vaccine. What kind of madness is fueling these decisions? I never had children so watching people put their children's physical and mental health at risk life long is scary. 

Our lives are being ruined under lockdown control and there seems no way out. I spend time with husband and found a gardening space to survive. Gardening is a new solitary hobby which I enjoy now. Everyone needs an escape. I am trying to work around it. I formed a life with husband that has some enjoyable things but just doesn't have any other humans in it. 

 The poor quality "vaccines" do not offer the level of immunity or transmission that were expected from other decent vaccines. The brainwashed types now call anyone an antivaxxer who questions the Covid vaccines. They don't care about anyone's health problems and the lack of empathy towards anyone having adverse effects is astonishing. This society has been taken over by malignant narcissists and sociopaths and it shows. The level of censorship is through the stratosphere.

By the way questioning any of this is scary. In real life, I am keeping my mouth shut for peace and safety. The few times I tried to bring it up, it didn't go well. I took the tactic of agree to disagree with more than a few friends to keep the peace. I have cried in disappointment that so few saw things the way I did. How can people believe in this corrupt system so openly? How can they accept the words of people who failed us before. I remember the days of George W. Bush lying about those weapons of mass destruction. Do you think the lies have stopped? They haven't.

I know people are afraid, they don't want to catch or die from Covid. I am no innocent here, as I toss on a mask whenever someone gets within 15 feet of me. So I understand the fear factor too. However the solutions are getting scarier than the virus itself. Bad decisions are made out of fear. How long do they plan to keep society locked down? Where I live the majority of businesses have failed. I am ordering so much on Amazon, simply because I have no other choice and don't like that feeling. I don't even know anyone personally outside of the high school friend who had her vaccines fail, who even has Covid right now.  Are they dragging things out on purpose?

 In real life, I have noticed talking about these issues is not welcomed. I keep quiet, and now find myself entering this weird isolative kind of feeling where I can't talk about my real feelings and outlooks. I talk about the "nice things" that do keep me distracted like art, gardening and other hobbies. This blog is an outlet. It is scary to be a person where you feel you can't be open in your opinions. It has made me question more relationships. I don't expect all friends to agree with me but you know it means something where you feel "fear" inside for holding certain opinions and wondering what is going to happen to you. It's like when I deconverted from fundamentalist Christianity and got dumped like a hot rock for no longer believing. 

Some people have told me, you need people around you where you can "be yourself", but when one is on the autistic spectrum this is not always possible. I don't have energy to fight the whole world and would rather keep things peaceful in day to day life, but inside I have growing despondency over what has been deemed acceptable and what has been done to all our lives with nary a question. Even writing about these things on an anonymous blog is not easy. The neurotypical world has always been one of crushing conformity to me and it's caused me a lot of pain. 

I find myself withdrawing from people because out of worries I will offend them. I don't fit in with the right wing, that denies the virus is real, and questions the masks, and I don't fit in with the left wing, that is so pro-Covid vaccine all critical thinking has been suspended and where they seem to want forever lock downs. I have found a few other lockdownskeptics from the left but our numbers seem to be few and far between. 

I am a deconvert from fundamentalist Christianity so have been on both sides but the left can have their own religion and if you dare deviate you are considered a "heretic" ripe for burning at the stake. I try to have empathy and understanding for people's positions but what happens when their positions are bringing so much harm to others, and you feel like your very life is at risk?

The trust in medicine is not deserved. While we have some good advances and some decent medicines and treatments keep people alive, I never expected the world to line up behind doctors, many of whom misdiagnose, and who ignore the causes of ill health. Medicine has some serious problems. I have been shocked at the total trust in the medicos, some deserve more trust than others. I don't consider Fauci trustworthy at all.

It's like we are all supposed to park our brains at the door. I am disabled today partially due to misdiagnosis and medical oversight. While good doctors do and have helped me, there is a lot of problems in the medical world. Do you really think they care about everyone's health when most people can barely afford medical care in the United States, or they want to give donuts as prizes or when our system is totally profit driven? 

And where are our investigative journalists, do we even have any of those anymore?