I still get hoovered believe it or not. It's not apologies or any "Come to Jesus" moments. Narcissists never change, it's like freaking Ground Hog Day, and its one of the things that is most creepy about them, the passage of time has no effect on the same actions taken over and over. They are like machines.
One called us 10pm at night. It was a cousin I haven't talked to since 2015. My husband didn't recognize the number, and answered. This cousin was one of the "better ones", a son of the Aunt that Loved Me. He isn't the cousin who is gay, but one of his twin brothers. I haven't seen this guy since 2010 in person. He got married in 2007, of course I had no money to get down there and he chose the hottest day of the year to have a wedding outside--90s in mid July. This one at least invited me to his wedding unlike my mother in who scheduled her wedding during the first week of January, and told me it was just going to be a court procedure with no reception. I found out later it was a full church wedding and reception.
My husband said instead of hanging up the phone like I wished he had, said, "I'll have her call you back later." I was in my leg machine. Later he told me, I need to rewrite a list of numbers to screen out. We had one hanging next to the phone from 2013-2016 but eventually took it down.
Even in 2015, with this cousin, the conversation was stilted, because so much time had passed since I had seen him, there was little to talk about. I decided to call him back, to find out what he wanted this many years later. Maybe he was going to tell me someone died. The call had more to do with him, and his own recent divorce. The divorce was horrible, his wife seemed to be a completely different person, and he ended up with full custody of the kids.
I gave away no information. The call went okay. I was polite. I did figure out his contact with the rest of the family was very minimal except his own brothers and father. I always had the thought the family broke apart more after I left. Maybe some figured since I had done the ultimate cut-off, they didn't have to pretend anymore. These are the cousins I had the longest contact with and broke away last from just to protect myself. I really had no beefs with them. Well one seemed to blame me via the family narrative, but otherwise they weren't as toxic as many of the rest. We talked, he talked about his divorce, and I just didn't say anything about myself. I felt sad because it seems better people always have the worse happen while the most evil run scott-free through life. A friend's advice regarding this call, really helped.
I also got a "friend request" from Uncle Narcissist on social media a few weeks ago. It made no sense, why him of all people? He didn't have anything to do with me much, when I was around. He paid far more attention to my other cousins. He was a gung-ho Republican and I was protesting Trump. I don't care about his politics now, we may even agree about aspects of Covid now but it wasn't a cosy relationship. He'd probably be in shock, I refused the vaxx. He probably took it for his job and his kids too. He kissed my mother's butt all the time, they were each other's favorite sibling, alike in personality in every way. I just ignored the friend request.
My mother still sends emails, weirdly to my husband, that we ignore. She doesn't have my email address anymore. These show up about once a year. There's still the occasional "blah" card. No emotions or tell-offs for being gone, there's usually just one line or two: "I want you back in my life". ----Well, you had your chance... my siblings don't try to hoover, one told me off on a very old email, I only check occasionally, several years ago saying I was missing out on nephew's graduation, but it was just more excuses to brag. My sister could care less, but then I figured that out was true years ago.
I only have a soft spot for the cousins due to my aunt, but even with them, you can see the pain and outcomes in their lives from all the narcissists, none of them had successful marriages. After my aunt died, they were surrounded literally by narcissists like my mother, the woman that my uncle cheated with who was their step-mother for some years and my grandmother. Two married two very narcissistic women, they ended up divorced from. One never married.
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