Life is Too Weird: Not Sure What to Do

 

Who knew that when Apocalypse came, you couldn't talk about it?

Can you imagine if I told the "normies" who believe in the system here, "I can tell our town is emptying out, people are dying or being disabled!" They would all call me crazy.

There's no one to talk to about anything going on. We noticed the Dollar Tree in town has been closed for four days in a row. We also have seen my pharmacy massively understaffed where the drive through window has been closed all week. The stores are empty. Is anyone else noticing? 

I see some cars around. These folks 10 miles south of us in a popular pizza parlor wrote they had to close due to lack of staffing and "they are too sick" to keep the business going. I don't know anyone who has had hospital level Covid in 2 years. It seems like people are dying off or entering into disability. 
How asleep do people have to be to not realize something is really wrong? 

 I've been going to a small rural town, for some art related activities. Life seems more normal there, the people smile, and have emotions. I get the feeling more of them didn't take the poison juice. My budget only permits going there so much. This town is poor and the houses old and falling apart, but the people still smile and talk to you normal. It's like a visit to normalville and the past of 2019. I'm happy for some moments. 

This town weirds me out though. I ran into two people from my old UU church [the one I left] I'm still finishing up my garden there. Sadly they still believe in everything they've been told. I tried to ask, "Well what is going on?"  One says she just follows the CDC. I was in shock but decided not to say anything. I like her but I thought "How can you trust the agency that failed us all so much?" 

I heard rumblings about some dinner that was held there, that Covid spread there. However these are the folks who believe in all, taking PCR tests probably for every cold and getting "false positives". Another friend, he's a frequent flier vaxxer, he still doesn't question anything. I wonder how he's still standing so many friends got sick from the vaxx.

I didn't need him telling me "Covid is still everywhere" when I am trying to return to more normal life.  I'm trying to take I and my husband into some normalcy and don't need the "fear" whipped up again. This friend seems to have this idea that I should be punished by forever isolation for refusing the clot shots. I told him I am returning to normal life slowly which seemed to shock him. I can't live like this anymore and my mental health is in the gutter. There's only so much time to work with.

 Life in the small rural town almost seems normal. My husband still wants me to wear masks in crowded public places. I've read and shared the studies that say they don't do anything. They are becoming harder for me to breath in, so I told him, we will wean off them slowly to allow for our probably damaged immune systems to recover in.  This is going slower then I thought but I was maskless at an outdoor festival and with several friends, and at the art group since we wanted to have some refreshments with them. He believes Covid is real. I think there was Covid and SARS in the early days of course but a lot doesn't make sense now. 

One of my doctors told me to go back to normal living and socializing. I have seen friends without masks. The conversations were different and better.  I have talked about moving with my husband to "reset" our life. Up to me, I would go to a small rural town and just live normal but my husband is afraid of us losing medical care and specialists I have here. It's a mess. My head spins trying to figure out WHERE to go and WHAT to do. Some of these small places, are far from medical care.  Everything is so creepy now here. I need to find some other people instead of the dying vaxxed who have no spark in them. 

They all seem to be dying here and in denial about it. A second guy in one organization is now seemingly going blind out of the blue. There's another lady there losing her eyesight and they are all vaxxed and in full denial not connecting the dots. I'm glad I left some of these vaxxed up groups even ones online where people talked about their seizures and weird cancers [one 30 something claimed she had pancreatic cancer] and still wouldn't "see" what was going on.

Now that my household has sunk into more severe poverty and I wonder if WWIII is on the horizon, I have fleeting thoughts about having died already and gone to hell. If my husband wasn't here I would wonder if I was in Purgatory or something. There's not much to look forward to. I think things well, there's still TV and computers and some fun stuff, enjoy it while you can. I enjoy times with my husband too. 

I have horrible visions of heating an old can of beans under an underpass. My years in the conspiracy world, we talked about what was coming and it all seems to be coming true.  I belong to Prepper groups on Facebook but never have money to make the preps I want to make.  The people who have families all seemed to cope with this better. I can't describe how depressing it is, to not know where to move, like I have no connection anywhere. Mostly everyone died or left my old town. I've burst into tears multiple times over having "wasted" my years on this place or even that church I just left. 

I tried to write this one online pastor to pray for me and some religious matters, but the guy just ignores me. So wonder I went down deconversion highway surrounded by war mongers. It's probably not a good sign. Counselors cost money. I am around mostly zombies, I can't talk to, who believe "in the system".  People have changed so much. Yesterday, I told a friend, I realize I am grieving some of these people who are still here because they don't even seem like the same people.

 So wonder I am so lonely here except when I leave to be around the small town people and few friends who live south of here. We smile and laugh and I can talk about things that are REAL. For some reason that doesn't happen in our immediate area. There's one farmer lady I buy food from on the edge of town, that is still a REAL person. LOL now I'm having thoughts about that book The Velveteen Rabbit.

 Our household always seems on the edge of collapse. This week, I went to a food pantry. Poor people food sucks. Trying to eat enough vegetarian meals is very hard too. I end up eating too much cheese and eggs. If you get too poor, people can shrink away. I always fear losing people when the bottom falls out. They are afraid you'll be there with your hand out. Friends have helped us but you worry about their sympathy running out. "What's wrong with you two, why can't you get it together??!"

Your clothes start looking more ratty. The Birkenstocks I bought during Trump money times and saved, I can't seem to break them in, they are too tight so I am even in very bad shoes. My glasses are taped together.  The trauma of poverty haunts me. The bills so huge, they are a yawning gap. I say to him, "Let's just leave when the lease is up, this isn't worth it". He doesn't agree. Says I'm too sick to live a more dialed down life, but then keeping this place going is too hard. Why do all this to live in a place where we are always stressed out and there's no one to talk to?  I made a joke, "Can we find a group home to take two old married people?" I don't think he liked that joke.

I was hoping to sell a painting this week for groceries but since it was a possible international sale, it cost too much to mail it over there. I understand why the buyer turned it down. Trying to sell items on Facebook Marketplace and ebay--husband does those listings seems to never work.

Up to me, I'd sell everything and leave. I understand why he's afraid to do it. The devil you know is better than devil you don't. He says, "Why do you want to move to rural small towns without any medical care, and look their downtowns are dead even on a Saturday!" Well yeah that's hard to argue with. Maybe I just want some people with light in them still to talk to. Yeah that's it. Maybe I am in "flight mode". Maybe I want rent that only cleans out half my check instead of 90% of it even if I have to live with 1970s paneling and radiators in the middle of nowhere. Maybe when society collapses, and the roving desperate hoards take over, I want to be in the boonies and in a place where most people own firearms and know how to live off the land. Maybe I want a country church instead of one with a fake pastor who just wants my money.  Maybe I don't feel safe around liberals who are all ready to put my unvaxxed ass on the boxcar to the camps if Biden calls out the automatic mandates for every person. Maybe I want to avoid fall-out and getting burnt up in a sudden flash if we have nuclear war. I don't know if they will nuke my town, it's small enough they may not, but then it's big enough where they could. Maybe I want to be in a place with a few more independent thinkers instead of those who believe everything they read on MSM and Huffington Post. 

Some of the people here are nice to me, and there's still somebody home, I notice in my writer's group, some of them still are "with us". I see them on Zoom. Their lives seem happier than mine. Maybe I ruined my life believing all the Covid crap. Germphobia destroyed my social life. Maybe I should not make decision to move until I am out and fully immersed in society again. I don't know. He thinks of more practicalities than me but seems less afraid to live on the edge. 

I wish there was extra money and more safety. What if all this collapses? I can keep the rent paid as long as the government is standing to give me a social security check. Of course that even seems dubious given war and troubles to come. A small rural place seems safer to me. Having community instead of blank faced people seems kind of important. I think of the days when there was far more people to talk to when I could talk to people about how things really were, like in the days of my old rural town. I see a few awake and aware but they are so small in number here. 

I guess if you have no family there's no home to go to. My mother destroyed my life ripping the tethers out of so many communities. Everyone else has a place. I ruined my life leaving that old small town. My husband says, "We had to leave, we had no money!"

"But we have no money here, and things haven't turned out have they?"

It's not healthy to try and backtrack so much. I remember the years I was looking forward to the future even here.

Everything seems to be a lie and mirage. He even applied to something like 40 jobs on Indeed.com. Only 1 place responded and he didn't get the job with the 1 interview.  I job hunt for him too, sent him even the link to do customer service for Amazon. He's too disabled to work at a regular retail place or a factory. Even a group home where you can sit down a bit at the table with the clients requires too much cleaning and movement for him. I was trying to come up with ideas. We always seemed to "try" and not sure why nothing pans out. I don't get it. I wrote a weird poem called "The Angry Dad Behind the Door" about God, and wondering why everything falls apart. 

We sat down and did the math figured out he is making equal to minimum wage now in our state already. [10 dollars an hour]. on his freelance. We would have been okay on this money just two years ago. We lived on this much before and had enough. By the way this is considered "too much" for a lot of subsidized places with our combined incomes. We could come up on one subsidized list and be told that's too much. He may "retire" in a couple years so don't know what will happen. I'm on one list and yes this means moving elsewhere too. He is my caretaker too and has a lot on this plate. He's older then me and I worry for him. He never gets a vacation. Maybe we both feel like one wrong move and it could all fall apart. This makes people reluctant to mess things up more.

Biden is the worse president ever. We had more money during Trump. I think all of them suck. I'm avoiding talking politics on my Facebook wall and in life except with close friends. I would piss everyone off.  This country's leaders just care about going to blow up the world, while our lives and infrastructure here fall apart. I don't think fondly of psychopaths that are committing genocide on the world. The majority of normal people I know can't bear even to admit this to themselves.

You don't want to dump problems, people could say to me, "Well you failed to solve them, we don't want to hear it anymore!". Sometimes I feel like I am acceptable in things I am good at, but I can't talk about what's real with anyone. How come I never know anyone going through what I am going through? I've become such a repressed person with age. I don't like it. I miss the me of my 30s, where I could talk about what was really going on, not being so afraid. I live in a society that denies me my personhood, my social life and my reality too. It takes a toll on a person. Something is wrong with this emptying out town too. You can feel it in the air. Everyone's quiet about it here too.