Going Apolitical?

 

 Politics is a dead end to me. The system is too corrupt. I was reading Thomas Merton's Seven Story Mountain, found this quote, and went to find a meme of it. Politics is the Truman Show. They lie to us just about everything. It is games of money and power. I have no money or power so what can I do? I probably will still talk about politics on here and elsewhere especially if things get even crazier, but how come only a slim margin of people have figured out the system doesn't care about us?

The Democratic party went illiberal long ago supporting authoritarianism, censorship, Covid-crack downs, vaxx mandates, and other insane things as I wrote about on here multiple times. That said, I'm too poor and disabled to become a Republican. Trump just seems to want to smash the Constitution into little pieces. It's a rerun of the usual, giving more tax money to rich billionaires, who seem to want to destroy society in their greed. Neither party represents me or my interests. I will admit on here, I often voted for some Democrats based on my disability needs but that got harder and harder. Things got complicated as I agreed with Democrats on SOME issues and Republicans TOO on others. I simply don't fit either party.

The other week I observed a protest, I used to go protest against Trump and wrote about that here. This was the "Hands Off" protest against Trump. My husband wanted to protest. I didn't, we were on the way to somewhere else. 

 I told him, "I will stay in the car". We had a front row seat to a local protest. He parked on a front street corner, so I had a first-hand view.  He then took his place on our main street, as I stayed in the car. I took some pictures to entertain myself. I'm glad I sat things out because the protest while I agreed with a few things about Musk the trillionaire, and "Hands Off" Social Security, the usual litany of Ukraine and pro-trans flags predominated.  Things were much simpler years ago. That was before Covid, the world, and Democratic party went insane. That was before I realized I no longer fit in with whatever liberalism is today. 

Where were these people when we were being smashed down by Covid and seeing endless freedom destroyed? Where were they then? It made all the signs about freedom kind of ironic to me. 'There were times I wanted to go out in the streets in a rage during Covid, even with signs protesting giving experimental vaccines to kids. Back then, I looked for fellow Covid protesters but all I found was a Mom's for Liberty club that cared more about banning books than Covid vaxxes.

Will I have to go out in the streets in the future if they cancel Social Security and do even worse? Maybe. Who is there to protest to? Hmm that's a thought. "Vote them out!" seems to be a dead end, when the people you don't want always win. 

What about the things I agreed with Republicans on, like ending Ukraine war-[not sure if it has been yet], or ending of mandates or the second amendment?  Trump has crossed many lines that bothered me from Supreme Court rulings that gave him immunity to the insanity of sending citizens to foreign prisons like El Salvador. The government in my opinion is turning totalitarian as a whole, it started long ago. Maybe all governments go rogue with time. 

Americans had it better than most in world history. That may be over.  I warned about NDAA, the Patriot Act and black box prisons years ago, it's not so far of a stretch that all the powers given the administrative branch by Bush and Obama, are now being used by the next president in line. The black box prisons now are overseas. They know it's too far for most people to reach to help their family member. 

The protests are all controlled. I noticed the messaging was all dictated by the Soros group, "Move on" with the "Hands Off" message, and "No Kings" message for a later protest. That kind of bugged me. Like people have to be told what to protest about. I was bothered as the messaging seemed all scripted. Many things bothered me about the local protest I observed.

No one protested the economy or cost of living or groceries, or our falling standard of living! No one cared about Gaza [I only saw one sign] or Yemen! There was not one anti-war sign in the mix! [not even one "No war with Iran".]  I looked around and had husband drive around a bit to see if I could find some fellow vax genocide protesters or some way-ward fellow anti-war people but didn't find any. I would have gone to talk to them.  There were some protests for women's rights and defending trans rights. Not one mention of Covid or what was done during Covid. Some remained masked even now. One guy carried a sign "Trump is the Antichrist", I found that amusing as there's people theorizing that now. How many American presidents are so awful, people have wondered if they are the Antichrist? I remember as a kid counting the letters in Ronald Wilson Reagan's name. There was another lady carrying a sign, "It's time to repent". One guy drove around a car with a Trump 2024 sign plastered to both sides. He was the only counter-protester. 

How come reality isn't being dealt with at our protests? Maybe because those are controlled too? Think about it, the controllers don't want the real hard issues dealt with like discussing the real state of the economy. I remain in shock, that there haven't been any protests at grocery stores.  There are endless videos out there of private people talking about the economy and how bad it is. How come that's no concern at these protests?

There was at least 500-1,000 people in my small-medium sized town.  Everyone seemed to be over the age of 65-70 with some millennials scattered here and there. They were predominantly female too. There was a poster on X making jokes about the geriatric turn-out in their town.  It was a Saturday so younger working people could have been there. Our county is mostly conservative so that may explain some of the turn-out. 

My husband continued his protesting, he finished up.  We said hello to a few church members of the UU church I left. I am still friendly with many at other groups and community events.  

Everyone who reads here knows I see both of our main parties as one big uniparty just like most "conspiracy [reality] theorists" do. I won't say I never will protest in the street again. It could happen, if things get nuttier. If they collapse Social Security, I could be living in the street anyway. I'm too disabled to do marches or any of that. I considered being a "one woman" protest and taking some anti-war posters or one's addressing the economy. Something to think about. There was some sad irony that my husband was re-using posters from our 2016-2019 former protesting era. 

In real life, after too many lost friends, and troubles, I did go more apolitical and ceased talking about politics on my personal social media. I will talk about them with good friends, on private groups and anonymously under this name. Too many people were drawing lines where they were making everyone they knew pass political litmus tests. I lost a friend for not being liberal enough even though she knew I was not a Trump supporter. I do agree with Republican friends on SOME matters or understand where they are coming from. I have one friend who is a Q supporter to friends who are very liberal and ones who share my "neither party" outlook. 

This lady is on to something, when she says "I got a bridge to sell you"...She's right about the government lying to us, and the endless breaking of societal trust. She calls for treating people right again. She sees through the "divide and conquer" game. 

I like her down to earth advice.

The news was making me really upset, and I was tired. Covid really changed things for me. There was this one online discussion where this one guy wrote that it was better to focus on things in life, you had some ability to make positive changes in. I thought, "That makes sense. What can I change or be involved in that will bring better things to life?" Lately it's a lot of art stuff.  Politics to me became an upsetting dead end.  I was in this continual state of anxiety, thinking about it, I struggle with poverty problems, so it's not a good mix.

Maybe some of us hit burn-out, being tired of living in outrage over crappy politicians. I believe Trump IS being used to dismantle the country, I am not sure if it is for deindustrialization or if the elites want to break the USA apart like they did with the Soviet Union. It's impossible for an average person to have all the answers. Sometimes I wish they would just LEAVE US ALONE, instead of doing things like turning off the power in Portugal and Spain. Sometimes I get funny thoughts that the politicians on both sides are such jerks, most of them, humanity would do better to go "no contact" with the lot of them. 

I think ALL of them know the USA is collapsing but most Americans except maybe the poorest ones have figured it out. I'm of the mind the best way to go in life now is focusing on local community.  That's easier said than done, social division is so extreme now.  Find things to make you happy, I spent some time with one friend in that one small town I like to visit in my region this week. We need to build community again. Considering where things are going, it's imperative to focus on community ties and finding peace with people and figuring out something against the "divide and conquer" plans. 

Down with Authority! Do Scapegoats Rebel?

 

Maybe some of us are here to question authority and society, a mission as it were. I may as well make use of my life as a lesson or warning to others. I'd rather die on my feet then kneeling before malignant narcissists groveling anymore. I think my parents knew there was something different about me. They knew I wasn't an NPC. One day, I was around 18 or so, in the car with my father. He told me I had to quit questioning society and get with the program. "You aren't going to end up anywhere good unless you conform!" This is interesting to me thinking back, I didn't party, run wild, break the rules, and was a virgin, so where was the rebellion? I wanted to be an art teacher for heaven's sakes, not storm the barricades.  I suppose it was because he knew I questioned all of it. I thought for myself, and he didn't like it!

Being raised by insane narcissists, is a crucible that can produce critical thinkers. We are done with liars and their BS. We already know the betrayal of authority first hand. 

Do scapegoats rebel?

I did.

Leaving our families probably was an ultimate rebellion though some could say we were "pushed out". They left me before I left them. 

Some may see me as a "rebel" now because of my beliefs about Covid.

Many think following authority is a positive. I believe blind obedience to authority is destroying mankind. Why do people do everything they are told? Why don't they question the system more?
Sometimes I think ACONs because things were so bad for us, we always know the little emperors often have no clothes.

The deliverance minister I left, told me, "You are in rebellion!" She meant against her but told me it was against God.

When did I rebel in life? Well those who bought Fat Pat, got to read and see my story of my rebellion in the third grade. I almost got expelled in the third grade for fighting my third grade class. I was sick of being called fat and put down by both family and classmates. Fueled on by hunger, I tore the place apart and started punching.

I usually was a weak, mild mannered, sink into the walls, wall flower sort, but not that day. Everyone has their breaking point!

In high school I told a teacher to F off, I got sent to the principal. She had ignored me the whole class period while I asked for help with a project. I said "F*** you, you keep ignoring me".

Another time, I stood up for this girl who was an underdog, a teacher was putting her down, and got sent to the principal again.

There were times, I would get very angry around the family. Of course narcissists will use natural anger that arises from their scapegoats..."See they are crazy!" or "She's the evil one, not me!" I would start cussing them out, I usually was more verbally aggressive. When the wall falls, I'm good with insults, I told my mother she had an ugly face and snake eyes. I started clicking my heels and telling my father, "Heil Hitler" at the age of 10 down in the basement, and responded "Yes Mein Fuhrer!" after he slapped me and yelled at me for not cleaning fast enough.  I got hit more but it was worth it. 

There were a few times I took risks like that when my own rage reached a boiling point but those times were rarer. I was too scared of beatings to fight this hard until I grew into adult size. In my adulthood, I once told my grandmother and mother "F**** you a******, you eat more than I do, I know something is wrong, look at you pig out on pizza [I hadn't discovered the miracle of Lactaid yet] while I eat this chicken sandwich! You two pork out constantly but your bodies just don't show it!"

Sorry for the bad language, but remember around my crazy family, one would hear an average of 30 F bombs a day. They were always screaming, punching walls and going nuts. 99 percent of the time, I was the wallflower, trying to make myself scarce. I was silent most of the time, but those rare moments happened.  As I grew older, I realized how aggressive they were even compared to normal human beings. There was a time in my 20s, where I realized normal people didn't live this way.

My brother was always physically hitting, jumping me, and serving as an enforcer for my mother. I was afraid of him. He was as big as me. Even into adulthood he usually weighed around 300lbs plus and was around 6 foot 2.  He grew bigger as he aged well into the mid 400s but when I was around, he was definitely hefty and large. I was a few inches shorter back then at 5 11 and 3/4s. I gave as good as I got. I once kicked him in the face like a MMA fighter, giving him a bloody nose. Another time, I fought back in the kitchen and threw him into the dishwasher breaking the door off when he landed on it. It was fight back or get my ass beaten.

I realized most girls weren't raised like this, always on edge, always worried about being beaten up. It gave me an edge. Even now, if a situation arises, I'm more like a man in my reaction. Protection isn't always guaranteed. I often felt weak and like I couldn't fight with enough power. I had bloody noses, bruises, a scalp that hurt from hair being pulled all the time, and I guess those were the few times I turned the table. 

I feel a little wary of telling these stories, because some here may be "My God, Peep is nuts, she's ready to tear everyone's head off!" Well I've stayed out of court rooms and out of trouble, I don't touch anyone, but jump me first, I'm fighting. I own books on self defense, I carefully have studied even one that gives advice to disabled people how to fight back. Sometimes I think my tough childhood got me those jobs working with violent youth, I had seen it all by then. If they jumped me, it already had happened to me. 

There was a switch where being a hellion could have happened. I am reading this book "Troubled" now about this kid who grew up in foster care who got abandoned by his parents and then had messed up experiences in foster homes and with troubled adoptive parents. He goes wild and does drugs and illegal stuff as a teen with his friends, he seems kind of popular but he's hanging out with the rough crowd. Later in the book he flies straight after entering the military. I still have some of the book to finish but he became a success. Authority did him wrong and let him down, so he said "Screw it!" Then from what I can tell he got decent role models. 

With better health, less autism, less religious and artistic idealism who knows what I may have become. I did develop an edge, it was strongest during my goth days and during my 30s and fundamentalist days, I actually worked to strip it down a bit. I think about the nuts I was around though. I do tend to be anti-authoritarian, I am an outcast from society and see myself as an "outsider" to it. Some may think the latter is more the result of bad mental health but let's be real. 

Am I the type to think that newscasters, politicians and celebrities tell me the truth? No way. I don't trust the system obviously. Think there may be a reason for that? Authorities let me down too. This stuff even spills over into religion. I have returned to faith but told a close friend of mine, Jesus always seems nicer and I pray to a Creator God, who I see as being separate from the jerk who runs this place, "the god of this world" is not the good guy. Some call it the Demiurge.

And speaking of God I have already figured out if I am going to have a good relationship with God, I can't follow the god of this world the churches seem to be into who wants to just squish me. Whatever happened to God is love? For any faith to survive, I'm working through this now, if God is just this big bad being that wants to hammer me with his big fists, religious faith will die on the vine. Even now, I am struggling with why God rewarded my family with endless money, children, and status, while I'm ready to be sleeping on the sidewalk. Why couldn't I be an ACON with a career and a little bit of money to not feel like a worm? I could spiritually bypass myself and think things like "It's God's Will for you to be poor and an outcast to society" but what does that do with the burning anger inside over my life's failures?

I've read before that scapegoats can go two ways, they either become very obedient, and compliant out of fear, and make straight As or they become hellcat rebels on wheels. Through high school I was very meek, mild and dare I say even wimpy, the "rebellion" would come later outside the few moments of anger. I was so so quiet. When I met some of my old high school classmates in my early 40s on Facebook, some of us went down memory lane, one said to me, "Oh you were so quiet, we wondered if something was wrong". 

I do get mad at myself that I was such a "wimp", all the time. Sometimes even now I think, "You've been silent for 12-13 years, you made it too easy for those bastards! You walked away and her power grew, and she got the whole family!" Maybe every ACON struggles with some fantasies about revenge, but God convicted me to leave them be. It's the better way to go. 

Recently I met a scapegoat online who seemed to dish it out back to her family with some success.  Her family were not as crafty as mine with some weak spots. I was impressed but inside I had bad thoughts about being a "coward" and sneaking away. I had lost so many times, I arrived at the conclusion, the only way to "win" is not to "play". I have known scapegoats to fight back and lose big, and even one that got driven into homelessness from fighting back. I cared about her, but she got angry at some of my advice about being poor. I didn't deliver enough of the realism with enough nurturance. Also my religious journey emphasized not seeking revenge though I rejected all the forgiveness of reprobates nonsense. 

Inside, I still think, "Why did my mother have to win?"  She never went without a dollar. She had a loving adoring family by her side. I remained the "evil one" who left. She doesn't have to worry about ending up on the sidewalk. She never will have one shameful moment worrying about how her shoes are too old, or not having the right clothing. She won't need friends to buy her groceries.

Why do narcissists do so well? Why do they always seem to "win" especially in American society.  America is a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. One in five CEOs are full blown psychopaths. My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There were no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum. Why are there so many Cluster B people in charge?

Once this friend said to me, "You are a warrior!" She was impressed at my rejection of Covid tyranny and my writing about it, and my being so forward at times. I don't feel like one often, I'm being pummeled down by this crap body and having no money. Some of us have to fight to just stay alive. There's a reason Fat Pat is wearing the boxing gloves. If I hadn't fought back at all, I wouldn't be here. 

My views of authority have been influenced by my life's journey. When authority is negative, and not loving, you are going to question it more. I wasn't the type of child to do what I was told without question. I often was afraid of authority but I also rebelled against it at times too. No one hugged me. I was considered a burden, a bother, and was invisible. Why would I have a positive view of authority? Authorities at home were busy ignoring me, hitting me, locking me in my room, making insane demands and showing no moral fiber.

For many authorities who did not want to harm me or who did things "right", I was neutral. If a teacher gave me crumbs of love or attention, they probably had an accolade for life. 

With teachers I would oddly either become the teacher's pet, or would be rejected by the teacher giving me a hellish year. I got sent to the principal a lot by the ones who didn't like me. However some teachers were like my best friends, I'd clean all their erasers, help them collect and make dittos, do bulletin boards and even with a few closer ones, talk for hours. I was one of those children, adults would befriend on rare occasion.

I realized with doctors, if they were nice, and listened some, then it could be a very positive relationship. If they didn't, it wasn't. This applies to today. Most I have are decent now. I consider my rheumatologist as the guy who is ignoring me now but I would say 80% are listening to me. With teachers, it could go 50/50, if I liked the subject they taught me, then that helped. With professors, most professors I loved, it was kind of strange. I have an attraction to people who are smart and who I can learn from. Some professors were awful, I could tell who was phoning it in, or not doing their job but most were good.

With bosses, if they were neutral and not insane, I could be okay. Some bosses were horrible and corrupt though, we always had problems like my family teacher supervisor who I witnessed filling a truck full of meat from the group home's budget to have her own barbecue. Whistle-blower personalities and narcissists out on the make are like oil and water. Sadly the jerks wanting power, are more likely to rise to the top.

I never trusted cops, my fear of cops was never understood by friends. I always got nervous when they drove by us. I've never been arrested or in jail so some friends have found this weird, but cops made me nervous. They had a lot of power to ruin your day. I would tell people "Never talk to cops, even if you are innocent! They'll railroad you!" My father gave me that advice, "Keep your mouth shut and don't say anything until the lawyer gets there!" It's kind of weird, he gave me this advice to begin with, maybe he thought I was going to do big time rebellion entering the criminal world from smacking me around constantly. I watch all these crime videos and see people spazzing out to fight the cops. I think they are dumb, unless you are being choked to death, it's better to stay silent and then get lawyers to do your fighting for you.

Some may think why is a law abiding person thinking about stuff like this? Well being a scapegoat is FALSE accusation land, I suppose it gives us a different look on cops and courts. My brother always seemed like he was going to jail, and my mother always was bailing him out. This included charges of domestic violence and some snafu related to checks, that he told me was a "misunderstanding". He never seemed to fear these arrests because my mother was always there to bail him out. It was really strange to me. I knew if I ever got in trouble, there was no way she'd be helping. She'd pay for his lawyers too to fight his ex-wife over endless matters.

Many people say autistic kids stand against injustice a lot. We analyze everything, being told, "Because I said so!" doesn't quite cut it for analytical Aspies. I would rebel against authorities I thought were "stupid" or gave inane rules that made no sense. Working at the group home was hell, because a lot of rules made no sense and the kids were too dumb to keep their mouths shut even over something as little as giving them an extra hour of TV a day. They expected them to be automatons while forcing an even dumber script on the workers there, in addressing their bad behaviors. This often put me at odds with my bosses there. "This system doesn't work!", I'd say to them. "These kids consider this a joke and just manipulate this fake system." This didn't make me too popular. 

As an adult, I'll obey authorities, pay taxes etc. However I know some unjust laws or ones that threaten my bodily autonomy like vaxx mandates, I won't obey. There are hills I will die on, and that's one. So many friends got sick from the vaxxes, there's a low hum of anger for me everyday. Maybe it's easier for people in denial or don't realize what is going on. Democide pisses me off.

As a child I got into this song A LOT. I listened to it on repeat on a tape. The line "We don't need no thought control" was a line I remember really being focused on. Life with abusive parents really made me turn to Pink Floyd.

  

Sometimes I do wonder how a society raised on so much authority questioning arts like this song to Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia fighting the Empire, has become so authority loving nowadays? Us ACONs had cruel teachers [in our homes] from day one, we couldn't do anything right. Some of us fortunate got nice teachers later, but woe to the kid with monsters at home and at school!

I had a strange visceral reaction to seeing the movie "The Wall", I was a little bit tipsy having nipped at wine cooler on the way over to the hall that was showing the movie in college. My way there consisted of some dark woods since I lived in the more isolated freshman dorms. The murder that made us all more careful didn't come until my sophomore year.

The scene with the actor groping at the wall, hit me hard. It seemed to represent my life. [54:59]. There's another scene where Pink the suffering rocker, tries to call someone and the phone rings over and over. This scene made me feel so lonely I burst out in tears. No one was around me fortunately. I stumbled out of the movie, and walked back to my dorm crying the whole way.

 College brought some odd moments like this. I almost dropped out that first year, friendless, but it was worse being home to be abused by my parents. There were too many sad weekends where all my dorm-mates went home, I didn't have friends there anyway and it took a toll. This movie affected my view of authority. Back then, American in the late 80s was still seen as "free place" Maybe I felt what was coming. Maybe I had spent too many years under the "lock-down" of narcissists. The desolate dorm over the weekends was better than going home and there was time to spend working in the cafeteria feeding the other students who didn't go home.

One problem for me is I don't trust most authorities in charge now.  This doesn't mean, I hate all authority. Some of our local politicians and authorities seem okay. I'm not railing against the mayor for instance, but national politicians all seem corrupt to the max. The top dogs seem like raving psychopaths. Is growing up with a psychopath a lesson in how they operate? Remember after no contact, I woke up to their tricks, the smirks, manipulations and all had meaning. I see too many smirks on the face of the ultra powerful. There's too many with their Duper-Delight glee..

I've written enough about their dirty deeds. America is becoming more totalitarian everyday, corruption rules. Look at Sean "Diddy" Combs, another potential pervert is being outed who exploits and abuses people. Evil rises like turds in a punchbowl. Maybe the post-God and morality society is in more danger of the turds taking over. It sure seems that way. 

 I experienced insane teachings about authority when I was in fundamentalist Christianity. Remember one tenet of very conservative Christianity is that you must OBEY. This includes parents when young, authorities--some pastors make their mincemeat of Romans 13 and God. Quick punishment is to come for any transgressions. There are churches that teach pastors are always correct in the Sheperding movement, my churches weren't in it but pastors were given too much power all over. I had one humble and sincere one, but I realized how rare that was. In those churches you are taught you must OBEY. I got tired of men with full bank accounts and fancy suits, giving me directions on how to live my life. What did they know? Some of them seemed to ignore endless parts of the Bible I read. 

Some more independent Christians would find verses like "Obey God rather than man". I quoted that one a lot on my old religion blog. 

Many ACONS regret their approach to authority, some regretfully wimp out why didn't I leave? Why was I so weak? why was I so afraid? Why did I sit there and take it until my 40s [in my case]? There's a voice in me that thinks "What a wuss! You let that damn woman conquer you and take your whole family away!" Of course another voice in my head says, "What family?, they are all like her! She can have them!"

I have a online acquaintance where we have talked about hierarchies, he had a childhood like mine. His was a bit more physically abusive, but we both bore the brunt of living with the insane. However both of us experienced extreme abuse. He introduced me to the concept of child intrafamilial torture. This topic is so intense, I haven't even dealt with it on this blog yet. I got the feeling near drownings in the family pool and being locked in my room fit the bill in my case.

Many people who have experienced childhoods like this question authority to the max. I believe America is going into full authoritarian dictatorship which I know is controversial. Soon they will unload vaxx passes on us. They definitely have chipped away at the Bill of Rights and Constitution. Since the NDAA you don't even have the right to a fair trial anymore, they can just shove you in a black box prison. 

My online acquaintance is on a board for ex-evangelicals, I wrote about my troubles with churches. He said to me, "you are clearly anti-authoritarian yet you keep wanting to be accepted in a hierarchy for some reason. I’d think about that."

It did give me room for thought.

I noticed as a fundamentalist, the pastors except the sincere one, were always trying to shut me down. There was no room for study. That drove me out. I didn't want life just to be a long list of insane rules and expectations.

One other problem I had in religion, was I always felt I was being "corrected". Nothing was ever good enough the hoops were always being raised. How many grow weary over the years, getting all these promises of economic viability and health for "being a good enough person". When old age started setting in, I felt repressed in fundamentalist circles. I didn't have the status, the grandchildren, the money to earn "respect" so I remained a "baby Christian" in the eyes of many church members who basically told me my misfortunes were rooted in rebellion against God.  Wasn't that the foundation of my getting hooked up with Mrs. Curses?  I was supposed to remove the demons, face the darkness and renounce all my wickedness and wicked deeds, and fix my woeful life. It didn't work!

Poor upbringings at the hand of narcissists leaves one far more vulnerable to spiritual abuse such as what I faced with Mrs. Curses. I have realized I don't have the relationship with God, that a person should have. God seems nice sometimes, with Jesus being nicer, but often God seems to me an ogre that likes to torture me. Talk about baggage when you feel God "hates you" but then on top of that, you have been taught if you have feelings like that, you are on the way to hell. If there is a good God, it would know my background.

Then I ended up departing from the Unitarian Universalist church, it was just an inverse experience of "not fitting in" or being with the program. I still miss many of the people, the intellectual stimulation and fun moments I used to have there. My husband wants me to go back. I like a lot of the people. The way things changed there were very difficult for me though especially since Covid.

 I believe the UU was more open to "misfits" and "freethinkers" in the past but some developments within that church, the new articles and the new political climate in America ruined all this. The UUA became authoritarian too especially since Covid and the left lost its mind. Free-thinking wasn't so acceptable anymore. It was all very difficult to go through. It may take me years to feel right. They don't know the scope of my religious past that some of these troubles are rooted in. I think I'm at a point where I just can't have someone tell me what to believe anymore. I'm done with pastors, gurus, deliverance ministers, and more. I follow Christians online who question the church system and left it. 

Sometimes I wonder if my trouble in churches came from this truth....I never was accepted for who I was or loved by my parents, and well, having a group making demands on me telling me I was "never enough", wasn't going to work. I got tired of all the hoop jumping. Maybe ACONS can fall into the elusive trap of always seeking after the accepting "unicorn" of the day you "come home" to find a loving group. One's expectations are too high trying to fill the place of the family that was never there.

Some seem to heal and to find lives. I had somewhat of a life in the 2010s during my happy years in the UU and other community activities. My life is crumbling now but maybe I got a few good years in. Fundamentalism as anyone knows is a high demand religion. I was using the religion to "fix myself" and make my life go "right" but it was failed experiment. My beliefs were sincere but something wasn't adding up.

Authoritarianism of various sorts has high social demands and demands for conformity. It is run by a social hierarchy and if you don't conform to their demands, or openly support then, then status will never be yours. Peer pressure runs the show, and it limits authenticity. The absurd can become normalized if leaders demand it.  One reason I believe America is going down a corrupt path, is because we have what Toby Rogers refers to as "bougiecrats", we have this "expert" upper class formed of bureaucrats and professionals. I believe they brought us hell during Covid, and too many consider their word as law, and think they know more than everyone else. One reason people gave in to so much insanity was social pressures. To disobey the order brought immediate censure, punishment and more.

That's life in a narcissistic family. The narcissists in the system hold all the power.  The social pressures are never ending from the top. Buck the system, then you are abused or forced out. No contact in many ways is the inevitable outcome for refusing to adhering to the family's value system. In an article this summer, I wrote about how other members of the family are unwilling to buck the system to give the scapegoat any support. Sadly much of human society is based on status and acquiring it. 

My mother held the power in my family and still does. Everything revolved around pleasing her. I was nothing to them in comparison.

I believe humanity is in danger from love of status and conformity to the "powerful". Globalism endangers us all because power becomes even more huge and centralized and overweening with few avenues of escape. Many powerful obtain power via dubious means. 

We are entering an Orwellian time where too many narcissists and wicked people are in charge, who won't let you sail your own ship in peace, and now have decided to mandate what you say. I am a first amendment absolutist, so don't want to hear terms like "misinformation" ["thought crime"] Ironically that was always one way narcissists functioned in family systems. Certain subjects were never to be discussed and you would be shut down to ask any questions. No criticism or dissent was ever allowed. That very word is triggering to me.

Being a member of the poverty class, we cope with invisibility. Society has no place for us. I wonder about my "connected" family destroying my husband's career, there was just too many "nos" along the way, but just don't know what happened. We are old now. Some friends have helped us recently but my feelings of being a "throw-away" person have intensified. 

I think one reason I was the chosen scapegoat is I knew by age 5 my mother was a bad person. I saw right through her. I'm pointing to my screaming mother with a paddle, oddly I drew myself as Lucy from the Peanuts comic all over this sketch book and yelling "Your [sic] Bad!" Maybe that was the first blossoming of having my own thoughts, instead of my mind controlled relatives.

My religious journey has been a very odd one, but even there, I came to a conclusion while it was a human positive to avoid evil and seek to follow God, I was so done with being told what to think and how to be. The fundamentalists definitely had a long enough crack at it. I know toxic parts of religions use dark side of group dynamics. So do narcissistic families. 

The narcissists work from the avenue of manipulation, and their whole life is about bending people to their will. The powers that be know you can't just beat people into submission, you got to love bomb them a bit and start passing out gold stickers in kindergarten.  In narcissistic families there's no love or cooperation or even relaxed enjoyment of life, everything is competition and inside the mental map a narcissist gives you is a measuring stick you are always running short on. 

People in America are taught authorities know best, and that they must depend on authority for survival. They can't live as empowered human beings. The monetary system shows this, the constant control, punishments and scarcity for most is one power and control tool that is used. The money system forms our prison bars. I obviously am someone the system decided not to award with a viable living. The disabled are throwaways sadly told to survive on nothing. More conformity and obedience brings the cash, but then I had the thought narcissists break the rules all the time and get cash, so maybe it's both. Many cheat, lie and grift to rise up in the ranks while others sell out, and rise up. Maybe some good and talented people find their niche too, but I think that's becoming less common.

Get out of line, and you won't make money to survive. I find it funny how some always go on about how the USA is this wonderful democracy, but the job system still adheres to 19th or even earlier century rules and mores. Where's the freedom in that? When you can be crushed like a fly simply for not having enough money.

There's times I think maybe I am too much of a free-thinker to fit in society. Do I want to fit in a sick society that doesn't value what I value? That's one question to ponder.

With ACONS, I believe there is a reckoning, you either submit, or you don't. My article about the  scapegoats that betray you are examples of those who submitted. Aunt Scapegoat submitted. The ones that submit become ciphers.  Freedom has costs I may write about later. In some ways the scapegoats who never rebel, never grow up. Mommy, Daddy or Grandma always remain an authority. I noticed that, when I looked around at people who were abused and "owned" by their families, I saw 60 somethings still worried about what Mommy may think. 

My worse thing with the poverty is the adult functioning it's taken away. It drives me mad inside, the feelings of helplessness and "being punished". I can't even explain to people here, how my desire for money is rooted in just being a self actualized person instead of always being a desperate one. It's so bad, I feel this desire to leave the regular world system that is crushing me. 

 I'm a "reality theorist" Organic radical, that sees the world very differently from most people. There will always be an "outside factor to that. I also do believe having such an extreme body, where I basically have been a circus fat lady for over 25 years probably has affected my personality too. I wasn't like the super-fat people on My 600lb life either, things were extreme and weird. 

 I had the weird thought wondering if people who saw through the "matrix" so to speak or sought after outsider spiritualities, included a lot of ACONs with abusive parents. If the world doesn't make sense at 3 years old, you're going to do your best to "figure it out". Being raised by the morally insane narcissists and in my case, I believe a mother well into the psychopathic spectrum, was a crucible that formed a very unique individual. What's the rate of abusive parents among so called "conspiracy theorists", maybe for us the Truman show is exposed early!

People have said as much to me, that I am different. I am not some poser that wants to be "different', I actually am. It's been pointed out to me. Some have said things like "you are a challenging thinker", I always knew pastors found me an annoyance, even my free-thinking iconoclast UU minister of my youth seemed bugged by me, when I wanted to talk to him about intellectual matters. I respected that guy, and even read about his doings later. He got thrown out of his UU church for questioning 9-11. He seemed to have some rare guts. 

A life time of suppression where you are not heard, seen, talked too or acknowledged takes a toll. I am driven to write about all sorts of stuff online. while in person, I appear far more "boring". I don't think people realize I have a brain in regular life, except for some of the decent art work or if I am close enough to you to tell you what I really think. How does that change our relationship with authority. We see these people with "power" and wonder how we lack it. Maybe the more ambitious or talented among our lot find it. Do some of us even seek power? We desire connection first and foremost but then realize our lack of power can cost us. 

Some of us develop our own moral codes dependent on our values. I'm not saying mine is independent of all outside influences, my own is based on a mixture of the KJV bible, nuns, famous books and authors and a variety of other sources. That's something interesting to think about, ask yourself how and where your own moral code came from. For some of us, God, and the moral code come above authority. I'm fine with an authority if they aren't telling me to do evil things or sell out for them. 

Sadly a lot of people who get abused, and this includes a lot of the golden children who get a few rewards like Pavlov's dogs, to think of other people, "I'll beat them down before they beat me". They feed the "meaner wolf"

We all have it in us to turn to evil. Sometimes I worry my own poverty will get to the point, I'll be pushed into the chasm of the "dark side'. Poverty can do funny things to people. Surrounded by enough evil, there's more possibilities of it. There is a verse in the bible where it says "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." 1 Corinthians 15:33. Basically if you hang out with jerks, you are more likely to be a jerk. So here we are surrounded by all these Cluster Bs as young. Sometimes I worry I still get things wrong because I spent decades around people like this. Some can turn to evil, some give in to it, like I wrote in the last articles about the scapegoats who prop up the system and betray those of us who get out. Everyone has their temptations but maybe everyone has this challenge to choose a path of light over one of darkness.

 
One thing is often abusive authorities will corrupt a person and they'll do it step by step, they start with the small stuff and then break you down. I think this is one reason that my mother hated me, I wouldn't budge on the small stuff. My parents sometimes did tell me to lie, and to cheat. They told me cheating is how you get through and get by. They will directly teach you to be mean to people. All of us in these families viewed our abusers rewarding the "meaner" people in the family. I used to be slapped and told, "You are too sensitive and that disgusts us!" Imagine this, being smacked around because you were too nice or had too many emotions. It wasn't always for pouting or anything like that sometimes they got angry at positive feelings too or feelings of affection for others. 

As a child I had a newspaper route. My mother took some of the money, but I saved all my money I could get. My family called me a "little miser". They'd shout, "You should be spending your money!" Even then I knew money was safety.  They spent like crazy and practiced no financial wisdom. That's strange to think about, most parents are supposed to teach their kids virtues not vices. I know some kids get the parents who give them drugs and some extreme stuff like that but that often happens around narcissists too. If your first authorities teach you vices, but something in you seeks virtue, it can make a life go very different. 

When you are a child you are dependent on adults. So you are kind of stuck with them. However adulthood wasn't this freedom either, especially if you have no money. You have no place, no power, no authority in society.

Some of us ACONSs know we can't go through life fighting everyone nor do we want to. We learn to make peace, to follow instructions, to find decent authorities like positive professors to listen to and let them guide us. However I think there are some ACONs who run out of the proverbial "fucks to give" and become full blown criminals. I couldn't find the cite for ACONs specifically, but there is a definite correlation with being abused as a child and becoming a criminal.

"Being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59 percent, as an adult by 28 percent, and for violent crime by 30 percent.


 Many are so abused and beaten down they end up in the criminal justice system which means basically a life surrounded by Cluster Bs. I watch some true crime and prison shows, and while some were born predators some are made predators. There's also the people with some conscience left who end up in justice system who fight back against all authority because of extremely abusive childhoods or extreme poverty.  Some of these people can still be reached for rehabilitation. 

One thing we do figure out for the malignant narcissists, connection doesn't matter, everything is about the obtainment of power. They don't seek soul mates or meeting of the minds or the "joy" from "seeing" and "knowing" another person. They want power, control, domination. Other people are puppets on a string and they live for that control and yanking the strings. People stay strangers around them. You are a label, a thing. 

Everything the narcissist does is about claiming power over other human beings. They want people seeking their approval and this is often the first priority to narcissistic families. All must please them at all times. To be the scapegoat means you are the avowed enemy. The narcissists we have in charge now want to conquer the earth, and terraform it, conquer our souls, and invade the body from within with the "Internet of Bodies". AI won't increase social equality or allow real cures for diseases even that will be all about surveillance. See it improving life? They want to take real art and creativity away too. The malignant don't like the tools of the soul in action.

Those who refuse to be cogs in the wheel are told get in line. We are told we should be punished for having minds of our own.  Self will and actualization are suppressed. Maybe for the scapegoat, self-will is the only thing beyond God that will get you out of the prison-cell. One word I have referred to is self-sovereignty .  I didn't have to be a little shaking child being told what to do anymore. I think I really grew up, when I thought, "I will be me despite the consequences". Those who never rebel you know become enmeshed with the family. They grow more dependent. They are their slave. They become what they want. 

If you grow up around people trying to destroy you where the abuse is never ending, you set up defense parameters. Some therapists point out that these can harm people. I agree some things can be troublesome, many ACONs have a problem with trusting people. This can keep the bad ones away but also the good ones.

However sometimes fire can refine iron and ACONs can develop wills of iron. Let me warn you, ACON abuse breaks a lot of people too. Soul-murderers leave many victims in their wake of substance abuse, suicide, mental and health crack ups. I was nearly destroyed and my disabled body shows the damage I underwent. I had this therapist who once told me she thought I had a will of iron and the Stasi could tie me to a chair, and slap me around and that I wouldn't break. Everyone has their breaking point but I found this interesting she saw me that way. 

Our trauma took many of us to the rock bottom, and we see through the system. The wool is stripped from our eyes.  We see how many awful people are in power or who grab authority who remind us of our parents. Some of us take things further and question the system. I wonder if there are more numbers of ACONs with alternative political viewpoints or even in the conspiracy theory world? It would be interesting to research. Being a good NPC, who sees the system as benevolent, seems like it would be a lot rarer. The world didn't love us and kicked our ass very young. Take enough knocks, and you know something is wrong with your abusers and the system that enabled them.

My view of authority is probably different than many. I get the feeling many more "normal" people feel taken care of by authority. Their trust is far higher. They remember Mother hugging them and bringing them warm soup. I believe this put people at disadvantage during Covid, as they chose to trust in public health authorities and politicians. Most people see authority in their life as benevolent especially among upper classes. Poorer people know firsthand the corruption of the system, the dangers of the legal and justice system--avoid at all costs to avoid the ruination of your life, and jobs that deny you humanity like bathroom breaks and medical insurance. 

As American life grows more dystopian this may change. Some of us have already been abused, crushed and denied a decent life. Anger burns a hotter fire in our hearts at our missed opportunities and realizing what could have been. 

Some of us worry today authorities will crush us. I wonder what war could bring to the United States. I believe freedom is being chipped away. I don't like either main political party. The right wing wants to crush me for being disabled, and toss me in the gutter and the left wing, wants to force Covid vaccines on me that would end my life, end free speech, and bring other destruction. Let's just say living in America right now is like living under the tutelage of two insane narcissistic parents. Truth and a better life is not cared about. The most cruel and insane are in charge of the asylum. We all secretly whisper in our bedrooms/living rooms, "they don't care about us" as we watch our economic lives implode. 

We are ruled by propaganda and gaslighted to death. I don't want to be a cog in a machine, or just "another brick in the wall". So much of religion backs this up, "do what you are told or hell awaits" on the conservative side of religion but then on the left side of religion, the constant message was censorship and being disenfranchised for asking too many questions and having the "wrong views".

I noticed the message was the same all over..."Conform or die [or be punished] or be outcast to the wilderness". This was life with my family and later life in the world. That said, who wants to fight their way through life? Some may think I'm a rabble rouster. I'm really not. I just didn't want to be destroyed. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe I asked too many questions and wasn't at peace like I should have been, but I just wanted to get along.

 I'm at the age, where doing watercolors at the Senior Center is satisfactory enough as a pleasant time. I leave other people alone so why can't I have the same favor, but in American society they always crush you. They don't leave you alone in peace. They take your money away. 

I sometimes wonder did I rebel enough? Was I a wimp? Maybe I didn't conform enough. That can be stew. I still wonder why my mother "won" so much. Even old age didn't even seem to take her down a few notches. I lost my voice. My mother didn't follow the rules either, I doubt stealing my credit card was the only rule she "broke". Many ACONs can worry about being weak, we don't want abused anymore, we don't want to have anyone new "get over on us". 

Sometimes I fear I give in too much. I don't see my husband as an authority especially since leaving fundamentalism but sometimes I fear I give in or submit to other people. I wanted to leave here last year, and here I still am "stuck". Our life is crumbling now. I don't want to live here anymore. I regret leaving the town I left 17 years ago. Medical care kept me here. Watching everyone move away and die from there has been sad, and I thought of the lost years with all the far away friends. This town I live in only cares about wealthy tourists, they don't even have decent housing. I have no niche, what'd any authorities ever do for me? Realizing the government wanted me dead as a 'useless eater" during Covid, any illusions about benevolent authorities was broken.

There's times even now I worry about being weak. Disability made me too dependent. I'm tired of being threatened with collections, homelessness, having no food or decent food, and no medicine. I'm tired of loneliness. Have they succeeded in grounding me down? I'll never love Big Brother!

The authorities like my parents don't care. Disabled people get rolled out into the street in their wheelchair too. Social workers only ever told us "No". I struggle with powerlessness in a society where I am very low status. Sometimes I do believe healing is more possible for the ACON if they can acquire higher status or more money. My advice is claim your power within, but this is harder said than done in a society where you may be very low status. If you are a young scapegoat reading this, don't end up like me, focus on the money making, focus on finding a strong community. I will post more about poverty and the scapegoat soon. It all overlaps. 

Sometimes this world feels all about control and domination to me. Like I lost the spun of the dial. The colonizers or who David Quinn calls the "dominators" took over. Each generation of slaves whips the next generation of slaves into compliance and it's always the worse and most evil and conniving in charge. This compliance is rooted in unquestioning obedience to any figure of authority using fear, threats, humiliation. My family hated me because I questioned the system. I'm sure they'll obey whatever new tyranny takes over America. 

That said subjugation doesn't always come at the end of a cattle prod or whip. Some toxic authorities serve their dash of control with some love bombing or promises to "save" you. Some will tell you,  "We will be your new family" or "I will deliver you". This video goes deep into these aspects of "authority". Theramin Trees talks about the influence of algorithms as well. Sometimes the obedience is demanded with a spoon of honey instead of a smack. 

One danger for ACONs, is falling for the trap of seeking new authorities, or people who will help "change" things. We can learn from people there's nothing wrong with that but when people seek after those who claim false authority over them it can lead to dastardly things.  I made this mistake getting hooked up with the deliverance minister. Religion became a mess to me. While I still believe in God, I'm in a strange phase now long ago weary of philosophies promising Utopias, gurus, pastors, "correctors", and others. I'm kind of in a "Leave me alone" holding space. I'm old, I don't want corrected like a little kid, told I'm not faithful enough or "woke" enough or not doing enough. I still read the Bible and other religious books but I'm tired.

Things are set up for power and control in this society. I read the book Ishmael by David Quinn and it brought me to question why is life especially in America all about domination, control, dominance and conquering? We are all led by carrots on a stick for our entire life with ensuing punishments for not being with the program. Most human beings don't even realize they are in a trap. They trust the system, they think the system is "good", while some of us, I think due to abuse and trauma, faced such extreme things, we woke up one day and realized humanity is in a cage. This system is screwed up. It doesn't bring human happiness. There's a reason I started reading about Prison Planet theories. Something is very wrong with this place. For me personally, there's always been a feeling of I wasn't supposed to be here. Some strong spiritual Christians used to tell me in my rural town, "This world is not my home".

We are told to obey, conform, submit, have the right thoughts, not rock the boat, don't be a dissenter, don't be a whistleblower, don't cause trouble, don't stand out, fade into the wall, submit to your betters, do what they say, do not question. 

For those of us [me] who have arrived at an anti-authoritarian view in life, this isn't a comfortable place.

Where do narcissists come in? Malignant Narcissists are the souls that have GAMED the authoritarian system. It works for them. America is especially a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. . My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There was no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum.

Something is wrong with a society where too many with ill intent rise to the top, and those who hold to conscience and integrity become their victims all too often. Authority has run off the rails here. Some are standing up but it's not easy.

 

The Modern Left Has Turned Fascist for Covid Oppression

 

Caveat for this one when I use the word liberal here, it is for the "modern left, DNC, neoliberals, I do not consider these people "liberals" in the classic sense of the word. 

Life among "liberals" has grown scary for me. What does the mainstream left in America represent anymore but slavish ass-kissing devotion to Pfizer and pals? I worry about dangers from the right but at least some of the right wing still seems to support some bodily autonomy. These globalist lovers and sold out types are pissing away all the human rights and freedoms established in Western Civilization. 

How many of us are uncomfortable around people now? Afraid to say the wrong thing? Everyone can feel it in the air. I've talked to a few who have been petrified to open up to me. That's life under the Stasi and is not what America used to be. And none of these people care!

Deconversion took me into liberal world. Seeing what they support has horrified me. Feelings of fear arise around people who support full blown tyranny. One must walk on eggshells around them lest you say the wrong thing and get blacklisted, or labeled crazy. I'm already facing light ostracization in life for the very little I've exposed in real life. I am far more outspoken online than in real life for safety reasons. Think about that one a little bit, living in America, I have to worry about my safety and well-being for having the "wrong political opinions". Well, the Canadians who got their banks accounts frozen for sending 20 dollar donations to the trucker convoy are definitely feeling that even more.

In the old days, real liberals would have been outraged at people having their money taken away for opinions but in crazy world this is now deemed acceptable. These present day neofascist neoliberals support every juggernaut of the elite. I guess civil liberties are just for those who think the "right thoughts".

How many of us are walking on eggshells around people? What does it mean when you feel afraid of many of people, and they trouble you inside? What does it mean when you think thoughts like "You better not let too many know your real opinions or your vax status."  None of these so called liberals care that freedom of speech has been suppressed. We are moving into totalitarianism. When you are afraid to speak your truth fearing for your own safety in a community that means something. Americans took for freedom of speech for granted. These neo-liberals don't support it.

This whole thing has worked via censoring people and to go with the "cancel culture" is the push to "cancel", "erase", silence and sequester everyone who speaks out against what is happening. I wrote this to a pro-narrative doctor on Twitter who supports all dissenting doctors from the mainstream narrative having their licenses taken away. Think about the insanity of that, just to question means you are to be punished. Patient care and survival is put last! At least some are trying. 


 

What does the "left" in America stand for anymore? Medical apartheid? Medical dictatorship? Everyone thrown out to the wolves jobless and more for refusing health destroying vaxxes that don't even work and don't prevent it from being spread?  The "modern left" in America definitely hates the working class and sees them as "deplorables". The poor, minorities and disabled are just to be thrown under the bus. Trust the experts, trust the mega-rich people, trust the ones who profit from all this they tell us. They are insane.

They see people who just want to be left alone to live their lives in peace as a threat.  They push open segregation. They promote censorship to keep Fauci's and Pfizer's gospel as the only one. They refused to push for treatments like IVM or other or traditional vaccines that would work. They lick the boots now of giant corporations. They promote gene therapy that kills children and teens via myocarditis, and life long side effects that are unknown. They want people's jobs taken away and thus their lives for not obeying. They want to outlaw peaceful protests and support violence against them such as with the trucker convoy.  Examine this, what good are any of them doing for us? The mainstream medicos have failed to beat Covid. The PCR tests muddy the issues. Everyone is confused, they want us to be. It's not stopping. They have no plan. There's no end road.  Let's boil it down, none of their shit is working. They have failed and are failing now. 
 

I don't like either team, but what am I to think of people who want to force me to get a shot that would kill me in my case? Who don't believe in leaving people to live in peace? Who hate bodily autonomy? Who think it's okay to force an obviously failing clot shot on people that has out and out killed people and IS NOT WORKING? My horror and disgust have reached new heights. Every person who has opposed me on here, just tells me, take your damn shot, and shut up. They don't care if I die. They don't care if your kid gets myocarditis. They don't care that every repeated booster is a new spin of the roulette wheel. None of them demanded better from our failed establishments. None of them demanded safer vaccines or investment in treatments. None of them told Biden to hold off from war mongering as we got bigger problems on our hands. The "modern left" doesn't care about anti-war initiatives or peace either. That's one thing I'm noticing, none of the pro-Covid narrative supporters have said no to war with Russia.

My disrespect has grown for those who are against the truckers fight for freedom and against mandates. Truckers sit in a truck alone most of the day, there's no logic here.  I support the trucker battle for freedom. Well Trudeau being a WEF member sent his goons in to break up and commit violence against a peaceful demonstration. People don't want their jobs taken away, they want to stay alive! They don't want blood clots. Let them do their jobs. It is disgusting how they have been treated.

Canada is now a dictatorship. America could follow the same way, only plenty of pissed off people on the right and the second amendment has kept us from falling into the same place. The main reason the Supreme Court ended mandates for workers demanded by Biden, is they didn't want the country to crack apart and they knew it would.  In Ottawa, the only violence came from police, who barged in and ran over people with their horses, smashing windows. One disabled woman on a walker was pushed over and trampled by a horse. Hmm almost a metaphor for the disabled and elderly they have destroyed via all this, not caring about our rights, not caring about our health. 

I get scared of lies from the right too, the truckers could be scapegoated and used to collapse supply chains, we could end up with dominionism or problems from the right I've warned about. The failures of the "modern left" definitely means worse is coming.   I don't like Trump, Trump was part of this hell too, creating Operation Warp Speed. Why are the majority of fellow "liberals" embracing tyranny, governmental overreach and evil? It is heart breaking.

So many groups I am associated with, the people are all pro-vaxx. It hurt to be "othered" and banned from people's parties and gatherings for being "unvaccinated". I didn't plan to go, but plenty made that rule. Here I was put in a horrible position, stay silent or paint a bullseye on my back. The "modern left" is doing this to people in general. Taking the vaxx is the modern version of Mao's struggle sessions. You either submit or you're out.  Even a regional group banned all unvaxxed. None of them care about severe medical problems involved in one's decision either. It is not safe to share my personal decisions and medical details, I shouldn't have to, but look at these people demanding to know everyone elses!

I am already pulling away from so many. I don't understand nor relate to them. Their experience of this pandemic also widened a chasm between us. They didn't seem so bothered by it. My emotions about it had no place. I've noticed that with the majority of my Facebook friends, who are mostly "liberals", and who support all this. 

Some had financial resources to go on long distant vacations and have breaks from the Soviet like grey repressed life in our blue state. They could seek sunshine and happiness. They had close knit friends and family and careers that did not bring the same isolation to their lives. A lot of upper middle class and above people seemed to not be bothered so much about the pandemic, while for those like me most of the fun, spontaneous joy, happiness and time with people was all erased away. No one seemed to understand how I was experiencing it. It was constant invalidation. 

It concerns me I have three choices. I can submit and join the Borg and most likely die of vaxx side effects, and spiritually and otherwise die inside with all integrity lost--obviously this is a decision I am NOT going to make. I can live a non-life isolated away for the rest of the few years I have left--thank goodness for my marriage but I am having severe effects both mental and physical from the isolation. The third choice is I can live my life despite the dangers, find new people [I have a few] I can be safe around in being "me" and who do not support this tyranny and take the risks of getting and dying from Covid. Every choice has a price. It is disgusting that people have even been forced into all these Faustian deals. My husband is scared, heck I am scared for him. The pressure of all this is beating us down. He has told me to wait, but I can't live like this forever. There's only so many years of life left for me. Even the COPD is progressive.

As I have stated before, so many of the most ardent Covid disciples aren't suffering. They don't understand my pain.  They aren't living a life like the children in Flowers in the Attic. They could escape. They had large homes to move around in with space, not a a few little rooms that grew around them like a prison cell. They had yards to walk around in not shrinking away in parks always too full of people. They seem to almost find a passion and meaning in the mess I found disturbing. Almost like they wanted to prove how obedient they were, how impassioned at spreading the gospel of Fauci.

 Some seem to be cosplaying like they are stars in a World War II novel, trying to prove how brave and how stalwart they are. No one is crying like me. No one is angry. My distance grew. I used to think inside, "Come on tell me you are upset over this, like I am" They simply wouldn't. I always found the people in this town to be weird.

The elite seemed hellbent on their forever pandemic and vaxxes program. This isn't going to be over from what I can tell any time soon. If Omicron doesn't "end" it and they produce another variant or another one comes out or they lie about one, I can see another "lockdown" happening. They will of course scapegoat the truckers and everyone else against this. They don't care if you wear masks or have been hidden away. All the "unvaxxed" and freedom supporters are their scapegoats for what they have done to us!

On one online deconversion group I am part of, there was someone who said, that authoritarian groups of any kind are not going to work for me. This explains my divide from the left. They are a fellow antiauthoritarian who is consistent in their views. Let's boil this down too, the authoritarianism of the left now sickens me. Come on, I left fundamentalist Christianity over this issue, the authoritarianism. The whole "comply" or die/go to hell bullshit!

This person is right. I can't tolerate being told who and what to believe. I'm someone who walked from my entire family. I don't tolerate or accept this and neither can I pretend to despite the prices I will pay. 

This is a place where my own integrity haunts me. I read an article by a fellow autistic once where they wrote some people with autism do pay a price in standing up for what is right and putting that first over compliance and conformity to a group. This is getting to be a life theme for me.

I believe people are being killed and children hurt by the vaxxes, and I am horrified. Watching liberals excuse blood clots, myocarditis and other insanity has me wanting to get out puke pails. There's even a commenter here who walked because I broke the liberal mold. This guy seemed to like me and my blog but because I didn't want to die of a clot shot, I became a non-person to him. If you don't comply, you are thrown away.

Imagine what it feels like, when an older lady you know brings you flowers at home and demands to know if you have gotten vaccinated or not. You sit there sputtering a bit, but then relent and say "NO, I have major health problems."  My health problems are visible including huge dark patches on my arms from dermamyotosis, and forehead sores. Anyone can tell I am not lying. My Meniere's has worsened and I've gone into more extreme deafness, I am now incapable of holding a conversation with people without a transcribe phone. And this person shrinks away from me, acts like I am "diseased" and gets angry. I only told 4, and that was too many and usually happened when directly confronted. 

I had a few episodes where fellow liberals would visit me and then who complained about the unvaccinated but I did not want them to know my status, and said nothing. The other day at one group, this one lady had a relative die of Covid and proclaimed it was their fault for not getting the vaccination. I sat there in cringing silence, hoping the expression on my face on Zoom did not reveal too much. It is all heart breaking to me. I could let all this go on the premise everyone has their own medical decisions to make and that's what I did, but as the crack downs and insanity worsen, I find myself thinking, "I need to have people in my life who will have my back."

Some "liberals" I know are acting so much in concert, I am creeped out by the utter conformity. You can't question even the most mild thing without complete outrage. Remember I wear the masks in my case, but in their book I'm a crazy Qanon for not accepting it all. You can't talk about your fears or worries or your emotions. If not for a few decent friends who see through the matrix with me, I think I would have gone insane. Being around people that make me feel this way has been almost as bad as the pandemic itself.

They parrot MSM talking points, Fauci, and even state things that make no sense. I am afraid of Covid too, but they just offer nothing answers that have failed over and over. That's another thing that bothers me, all these people expecting stiff upper lip bravery while sociopaths destroy our lives, our health both from vaxxes and gain of function, our economy and more. What is there to look forward to? From what I can tell they have no answers to STOP it all. There's still no treatments that work being offered, no allowing of IVM and Zinc and HCQ or other things that could work. They are removing the monoclonal antibodies. I still ask why the gain of function sociopaths have not been arrested yet. 

They want to name everyone who questions the "official narrative" as a "domestic terrorist". I have spoken out online, and know one day they could drag me off even for what I have written here and on Twitter. I've lost friends already over this blog, but don't share it with everyone in my life. The fact they now have the "modern left" signed onto the NDAA war that started with 9-11 sickens me. None of these people understand how the NDAA removed our constitutional freedoms and means that more people can find themselves thrown away into a black box prison. I'm speaking out for now. We need people who do, but it comes with anxiety. Very few are listening. 

 Democracy in Canada and the United States is falling, and most liberals don't care. They are busy navel gazing blathering on about climate justice, when I realize that's just a pathway to forcing carbon credits on poor people so the elites can still keep their private jets but say goodbye to air conditioning and having to pay taxes over driving more than 10 miles. They don't care that the shots are harming people. Everyone I have seen whose had health problems or people die or other disabling things are censored, hidden away and silenced.

 I find myself yawning when they go on about BLM. No one cares about the black people who are being segregated from society for refusing to become part of a government experiment for good reason. Some scientists are warning Covid is worsening, and it's going to wipe everyone out. All I got to say about that is if Omicron is not the end of it, lean over and kiss any future normal life goodbye as they either release more variants on us, or more are produced by the leaky vaxxes. Maybe the variants are a "lie" too, I don't know but if something worse comes after Omicron and you start knowing more people who have died of Covid, the future is going to be very dark. 

Let's boil this down, they have failed to stop it and are only doubling down on their "failed solutions". The right failed us telling everyone it was a hoax at the start and helping it to be spread, the left is failing us now. The experts, politicians and more have failed. I'm just an average human trying to figure things out. All I know is that freedom haters of any stripe should be stood against. The present "modern left's position against freedom are disgusting.

 I yawn double hearing about voter's rights, I believe in them, but what is there to vote for anymore when every election is rigged and they just put WEF flunkies in anyway? Do these people care about our lives? My answer is no. To the elite we are just fodder.  We are in the middle of being genocided from two sides, and the "left" is asleep. They smile like the dog in the burning room. They have turned too many people into potted plants who refuse to ask any questions who want to help them oppress us all.

Will the USA Turn Ultra Right Wing? The Utter Betrayal of the "Left"

The USA could turn ultra-right wing from all this....

That's my prediction, maybe I'm wrong but I still see the Handmaid's Tale coming down the pike in the distance.

Let's look at things...do you think your average Joe Six-Pack is happy with the way things are going? Do you think he liked his small business being destroyed? Do you think he is happy that he is being told to give his children an experimental clot shot?

I believe both of our corporate owned parties are leading us to hell. Those who have read this blog know I have not been happy with the DNC for a long time. Sadly I gave in to the "lesser evil" BS and was more than disappointed this time.

It scares me that now my only allies outside of very few in the holistic/vegan community are right wingers and Christians. Those are the ONLY people refusing this COVID BS and the vaxx. Hey at this point whoever supports freedom is my pal. 

Most of my friends know I am apolitical right now, disappointed in the whole mess: well the friends I have told. I find myself wondering about bible prophecy and more that seems to be coming true now.  I don't want to return to the spiritual abuses and authoritarianism of Christian fundamentalism or the evangelical world. There's no going back in that cage.  Cruel gods who want to send me to hell just give me nightmares. Religion is a soft target of the elites as well. Maybe the "prison planet" people got it the most correct. Who knows?  It's hard to be a religious liberal when most of the liberal world wants to poison me with a gene-therapy shot. 

But personal stuff aside, the "heartland" is growing pissed, they are sick of the masks, sick of the crack downs, sick of the worry. Sure maybe the professional class and some liberal affluent retired boomers and others love all this BS, with being able to work at home in their huge suburban house. However the majority are tired of it all. I live in a more rural/small town area, and I think most here outside of town have decided the epidemic is basically over and just threw the masks in the trashcan and are done. I still wear masks due to high risk, but understand why they made that decision. I've asked my husband how long are we supposed to live like this? He wants me to remain careful given my health problems. I don't want anything to happen to him either.

People are going to vote RED this go around, there's no way Biden will get a second term, and this is going to ensure that even more social safety nets are destroyed, and that uber elite will gain more power and money. The average person will find life to be more cold, cruel and meaner. The Dems are going to be destroyed in the mid-terms, and we will have a Republican president in 2024 if there is any country standing still.

Just imagine if there is a Covid-vax massive die-off, "brain encephalitis"--referring here to the SPARS report, kids die, or sterilization from the Covid vaxx. Which way do you think people will vote? Will it be for the Qs/Trumpsters/right wingers who tended to be more vaxx hesitant, or will it be for the liberals who stopped all reasoning, and bowed before Big Pharm? I'm in a strange position, pissed that it was allowed to spread by Trump and pals and he instigated Operation Warp Speed, and pissed off at the fascist neo-liberals with their vaxx passports and wanting to take everyone's jobs away.

It's obvious that the billionaires ultra wealthy do not want a cooperative society of progress and betterment for all, they want a slave technocracy and are using "both sides" to pull it off. They can use authoritarian religion, for control. Turning the country to the extreme right will make their "dream" even more possible. As for the "left" since they have suspended all human rights for their Covid BS, they are hypocrites of the highest order.

https://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2020/09/is-gilead-coming-theocracy-in-america.html

The "FAKE SCIENCE" fueling all this is going to bring a backlash. How do you think real science and progress will fare, as all this develops into a nightmare? Why are there so few free thinkers on the left? Even Noam Chomsky came out in favor of the vaxx. He favors isolation of the unvaxxed too. Do they buy off all these people or something or tell them what to say and not say? It's crazy.  Is this what all the Trump protesting wrought, that just to prove party loyalty one was to stop questioning anything? 

 I support women's issues, lgbt, and safety nets too, but do I want all this with a dose of fascism and being destroyed? Do you all realize how many former Democrats are now horribly disgusted? The DNC has lost those votes forever.  The ADA is gone, and the disability community doesn't even realize it yet.  It's hard to look around at my previous allies, some I even protested Trump with, yes I feel like a sucker now. Some can't wait to send me my unvaxxed "dissenting" self to the Fema camp or bar me from all public life. I've been keeping my mouth shut in many places even for SAFETY.

 I wear the masks due to bad lungs, so I "pass" as a Covid narrative supporter, but I am not. There's no damn way Biden or Kamala is getting a vote from me ever again. I probably won't vote in my case or for other third party, but it's harder to figure out. How do I vote libertarian given they support no social safety nets and disabled people are to be relegated to the gutter? How do I vote Green when THEY too support the medical dictatorship? 

The fact too that the "left" in America has teamed up with Big Tech for all the censorship too, is an assault on all our rights. When I first heard about cancel culture, I thought, "here we go....The elites are definitely making use of "divide and conquer".

Also if the Fake science goes bad, and it could...go check out my twitter [search for fivehundredpoundpeep on there]. See for yourself what some researchers are warning about. It's nightmare fuel with the prion theories, so the ADE where illness increases is the least of it. Religion has it's pitfalls. I think organized religion is so joined with the system, personal faith and religious practices definitely are something different. Most of the churches here are pro-vaxx. I didn't even have time to warn or talk to anyone. That's a very lonely feeling.

This new "healthism" with doctors as priests never to be question where heretics are the ones who ask question, is a new religion. It's based in the very American focus on beautiful bodies and health proving one's "worthiness". Once this system shows it's failures, there will be a retreat. We have had those are "the most healthy" deemed to be the "most holy" for years.  Sacrifice is taking the "death shot" to the point they don't even care kids are dying of heart inflammation. This society has arrived at a very sick place.

How do you think "the left" is going to fare as the poverty explodes? How is life now for the poor where there's no one going to bat for lower income people? Even the temporary help they gave with Covid is ending this week. The eviction moratoriums are over, the unemployment is ending this week. Most businesses did not reopen. How's that going to go? 

They destroyed the economy with all the lockdowns with businesses going under, in my personal life, I know a few people who have divorced under these economic pressures. As one commenter wrote "Taking someone's livelihood and replacing it with temporary pay that covers a fraction of the loss, is not justice. Safety nets are there to cushion the blow to the unavoidable, not scraps to be handed out after state governments initiate a catastrophe." My husband won't be having some of his freelance work ever come back. We have my disability income and he still has a little income coming in. Many now will have NONE. How's the left going to do when the mid terms roll around? Society has gone down to the level where everything is in service to the uber elite getting more power and money and they are now drunk on it. 

What use is a left that doesn't care about freedom anymore and is ready to drag half the populace to the boxcars? Even the hatred of people on the right with sneering comments about everyone being a Qtard that questions any of this is messed up. I got suckered too, doing the Trump protests, outraged with the right as well, but woke up, because I realized the evil coming from the other side. I still remember when Hillary Clinton, complained about the "deplorables". This classism and hatred for the working class still continues on the left. That is a huge number of the population. Sadly, many of them will probably vote more right wing. The left has nothing to offer them. The right really doesn't either. There may be a few libertarians with integrity who really believe in civil liberties, but sadly, the formula whatever side the pendulum swings too, is that the billionaires get more power and money. Society is now for their enrichment, not the enrichment of the average person. We aren't even allowed to have real lives anymore because of their crimes. 

They have programming for every side. Will we get a left flavor of tyranny, where we are at now? or later a right wing one? The government said "Two weeks to flatten the curve" and now that's just a carrot on the stick. Too many on the left haven't woken up to the fact the vaxxes didn't give them all their freedoms back. 

The unvaccinated will serve as a handy scapegoat to why the leaky weak vaxxes have failed. They are taking society down the chute, using trauma programming. The conspiracy theorists were right, I was right when I was in it and used to say things like right and left wing were poisonous wings of the same bird. The USA technically doesn't even really have a left, but honestly they know how to control and influence every demographic now. All the fair news laws were thrown out years ago allowing Americans to be propagandized and we see the results today. 

 I was right about the "new world order" when a Christian fundamentalist, I used to call the elite "luciferians" then. The more secular can call them evil, rich, power hungry assholes and sociopaths. Some may call them like the gnostics, archon "controllers"--a la David Icke, whatever they are, they are horrible and have no conscience. The digital prison they are building for humanity using body and health is beyond the pale. Usurping the human immune system so one is even more dependent on the system is beyond evil.

I was retracting my conspiracy stuff, trying to be rational and "reasonable". I laugh now about people that tell me I am to trust in the system, and that all these actors have our best interests at heart. Are you kidding me? While a lot of conspiracy stuff is lies, and delusions, I know when I am being gaslighted and what it means when the news constantly contradicts itself or when people make promises they don't keep. When they scream "misinformation" to any questions to shut down discussion, that's based on silencing people. I didn't spend 40 years around sociopaths and malignant narcissists without realizing some of their tricks. 

I wrote some time ago...."I believe this brief period of  "freedumb" is going to end, they will do another lock down." I was right, new lockdowns are beginning where I live. I bet by winter, when flu season comes back, we will all be back on Zoom if the internet is still up. People very likely will be getting sick from the vaxxes with their altered immune systems not up to the job either of fighting regular flus or colds, and sadly they will blame the unvaxxed for the new variants and diseases. 

I get the feeling Trump was like Goldstein in the book 1984, and I was guilty too. :( all of us protesting and yelling about him and focusing on him. It's weird because I posted some stuff about the social engineering of Covid prior to Biden coming in, so my brain was working on a few things before I woke up but look how they got the left to scream TRUMP TRUMP and now they bring in worse evil on the left and no one cares. The French are literally fighting for their right to assemble and live their lives. People forget how much more social a country is like France and when you are barred from the neighborhood cafe, that means being cut off from your friends. It is evil to tell people they can't go into stores even to buy things they need. 

Just notice how many things were conspiracy theories, like vaccine passports that they are doing outright. The powers that be have wanted to tear down the social safety net for a long time. Do you think they will get their wish now after the trillions of dollar clean out from Covid? If we had sane people running the show what could have been done with all the money used on Covid?  Society could have been made better. It's like the trillions wasted in the middle east, proven to be a waste after 20 years in Afghanistan. Why do people trust in these leaders. They've done nothing to earn our trust, especially now with our own bodies and health!

They have changed the left, Occupy used to stand against the corporations, they supported freedom, and now the "left" in America supports full totalitarianism and a biosecurity prison for all. Most got suckered and went with it. So now we got two authoritarian sides and if the pendulum later swings to the right, it will be more of the same. They have desired privatization for decades. Public school was one of our last standing enduring institutions and now even it is devastated. I wrote this myself in early 2020:

"Destruction of Public Education---- A cluster you know what is only weeks away as public schools will spread the disease far and wide. Go read the teacher's reddit, to see how bad things are getting, school opens for most districts this week. Teachers just doing in services with no students in the building are catching Covid and dying. Some schools are still virtual but many are not. You think Covid is bad now, just wait......

Betsy DeVos and pals are pining for the days where they can profit off more charters. Republicans want public education done away with. Uneducated plebes are easier to control. Does anyone find it ironic that so many have been forced to "home-school" by the Republican wannabe theocrats?"

What's going to happen to the health care system as they fire all the health professionals who don't want the clot shot? Hospitals and health clinics are losing tons of business outside of Covid. They probably plan to cash out on the growing misery, and illness, but they will change health care for the worse. The old left used to push for universal health care. Did you notice no one cared about the people who ended up bankrupt from medical bills either due to Covid itself, or due to adverse reactions to the vaxx?  In the early days of Covid when people were happy to get a breather and or a rest, there was talk of changing to society to a better place, where people weren't overworked and where they could have a living wage. All that's been erased. 

They keep changing the goal posts, like this will never be over. The population is already beaten down and depressed. They feel there is nothing to look forward to. The DNC's "good cop" stint will soon be over, for the "bad cops" to come in.  We have been set up for worse. I was fooled by the Covid narrative at the start, I believed them. I am not perfect. Remember my posts outraged with all the people who wouldn't wear masks?  I hope more can wake up. Our real lives are being ruined and threatened here.  My mind changed when I saw the censorship in front of my face. Why were they silencing people who got sick from the vaxx? Didn't they want an honest study? 

I researched the Covid vaxx and was HORRIFIED the FIRST DAY I read the pharm websites. Now I am done with the left too, I am in a very hard place. Most people around me have bought into the narrative. Two weeks to flatten the curve have become almost two years of bullshit, and the biggest power grab ever. 

When I am having midnight conversations with my husband about preparing to flee, if they make the death causing vaxx mandatory, then society has entered a new fucked up point where there may be no coming back from it. I am allied now with the outliners of the right wing [the affluent moderate Republicans here all buy into it] and born again Christians, etc in refusing this garbage. Whoever supports freedom now is my pal. The fascist left, that wants to basically kill me, scares the hell out of me.  I still hate the right wing too, but worry people will simply embrace whatever right wing monster that will outdo Trump on the next go around. These are times where people will retreat into political extremism.

The "left" frankly has lost it.

With so many of the vegans, pagans, holistic people and nature people taking the clot shot, I was in shock. How could they sign up to have Moderna install an "Operationing System" for their immune systems. Maybe some are scared and silent/lying and there are secret allies but I don't know--everyone talked about getting the vaxx a lot. Since they've all had to mask up again though, I don't see as much happy excited talk about it anymore and have not heard about the boosters.  I know a few vegans and natural health people who have not fallen for it but they are rare.

The "left" is being used right now to get the virtue signaling liberal "professional class" signed on. When the bottom falls out, they will be "useful idiots" via Stalin. They will remove the social freedoms the left allowed them for a short time.

 Think of 9-11 here, they went after "foreign terrorists" on that go around and now it's focusing on "domestic terrorists" basically now anyone who dissents against the government. I warned for years what the NDAA meant for the future when they took trials away from US citizens and named them would be "enemy combatants" for the "homeland". No one cared, and now see where we are. There are right wingers who value freedom too same as left, but I am talking about mainstream right. I believe free speech is going to be gone. They are attempting to criminalize questioning the Covid narrative.

The present day authoritarianism on the left will bring in a far worse authoritarian right, and they definitely will strip out any social services or safety net, or any ideas of freedom. Free speech has already been lost with the censorship. The elite dream of neo-feudalism with extreme technology. What will we lose next?