Fat Women in the 1940s

Photo by Helen Levitt

"You're Crazy!" When the Scapegoat is Labeled Insane

This happened to me. 

To understand this article in context make sure you read: Aunt Confused.

One insidious way a scapegoat is destroyed by a narcissist is their mental health is maligned. This will be another heavy post as this is something I am pondering lately. Many of these soul murderers will actually do things meant to drive someone to insanity and then they can play "rescuer" swoop in or use someone's break down or mental health problems to feed. They want you weakened and want you under their control. When someone is seen as "crazy", the rest of the world automatically devalues you. The entire family will then reject the scapegoat and take nothing they say seriously. You are the "crazy" and "bad" one. You are "insane." 

Many scapegoats have gone through this, where one very horrible thing our abusers do, is tell people we are crazy so they do not believe us or disregard what we have to say about the abuse we are going through. There are many scapegoats and abused people who end up in the mental hospital. Some get ill from the abuse and are driven to severe mental health problems and suicide via the attempted soul murder done to them.  While others are maligned and are deemed "mentally ill" by sociopaths and narcissistic abusers who want to destroy their reputations, fire-bomb their lives and even send them into involuntary commitment situations.

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 In the past, when someone could end up in the mental hospital for years, put away Frances Farmer style, this would destroy an entire life. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Nightmares out of the pits of hell would break bodies, souls and minds. Don't think for a minute that the instigators of Satan's destruction didn't have people handed over to memory destroyers via shock treatments or being drugged into oblivion. The psychological world has helped many via counseling and even medication for chemical brain problems but there is a lot not to be trusted either. There are some great evils that have been instigated via the psychological world.

Keep in mind, even what happened to the Kennedy's daughter--Rosemary, the one who got a lobotomy and literally had her mind, body and brain destroyed by her wicked parents. When I read this story about Rosemary in People magazine, I burst out in tears. I was horrified. Those who have powerful and connected narcissistic parents are that much more in danger because those parents have the connections to doctors, judges, and lawyers that can readily ruin and destroy a life. Some are part of "good ole boy" networks, and corruption as well. Many of the sociopathic elite "successful" often have a scapegoat or "sacrifice" in the mix. Reading this article about Rosemary's mother hounding her about her weight even after having her brain cut up via doctors at her parent's orders, screams narcissists!

Rosemary, definitely showed signs of cognitive problems which left her more as prey to the narcissists. Even with my Aunt Scapegoat, her learning disabilities and deficients left her as more vulnerable prey to a narcissist family. I had a high enough IQ to take refuge in books and go "inward" and "fight back".  She did not. There definitely was the fat hatred and abuse too in Rosemary's case. There was whole taint of "You'll make the whole family look bad!" when it came to Rosemary's weight. Everyone knows the story of how both Kennedy parents were concerned that she was getting boyfriends, too and one thinks there too, they feared a scandal and wanted to "protect" their "good name".

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This is Narcissism 101 garbage, when one considers an evil woman that would complain about the weight of her ruined shell of a daughter who can no longer walk and talk because of a lobotomy. Those cold dead eyes in the picture above sums everything up. This is nausea inducing. That is a narcissist and a sociopath rolled up into one. What a vile family. They give her a lobotomy to "control her" and the mother doesn't even visit her for 20 years.

"She and husband Joseph Kennedy were so obsessed with daughter Rosemary's weight they told her boarding schools she was 'getting too fat'

• Rosemary would apologize in letters home about the pounds she'd gained 
• She underwent a lobotomy in 1941 when she was 23 years old and was left unable to speak or walk properly after the botched procedure
• Her mom was known to call the Catholic institution for the disabled where Rosemary lived as an adult to ask about her daughter's weight 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3225863/Rose-Kennedy-obsessed-daughter-Rosemary-s-weight-lobotomy.html#ixzz3oCPtCVz9
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The article goes on to explain Rosemary's reaction to seeing her mother. It makes sense. After all something inside her had to know what they had done to her, and what she had lost.

"At the sight of her mother, Rosemary, who was being escorted by two nuns, broke into a sprint and lunged at the elderly woman, beating her chest and screaming at her."

Rosemary is one of the most extreme examples but there are other ACONs even nowadays who have been involuntarily committed via their narcissistic parents. Scapegoated Daughter is one of them. 
I have read stories on message boards of narcissistic parents trying to claim their adult children's guardianship even upon entry into the hospital for  non-mental conditions like ulcerative colitis or other disorders. When someone has guardianship over you, this means they control all finances and medical and other decisions. They control where you live and your day to day life. In most states, it takes a court proceeding for someone to claim guardianship over another.

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ACONs need to protect themselves. I have protection where my husband would be making the decisions if I was incapacitated but those ACONs who are single and even people in my boat need to make medical power of attorney papers. Make sure you will never end up in the clutches of your narcissistic family should something God forbid happen to your spouse. It can be tough for a scapegoat to find someone they can trust, and this can feel like too great a burden for friends, but we must do what we can to protect ourselves. You do not want the sociopaths sharing your DNA or supposedly sharing it, being the ones who decide to pull the plug or allowing emergency surgery or not.

I highly suspect my mother got guardianship over my Aunt Scapegoat. She let it slip that she was responsible for all her financial decisions. They didn't realize being disabled like I am, I know the ins and outs of Advanced Directives and other matters. I knew these things from a friend who had to claim medical power of attorney over a mother with severe dementia. Those who direct someone's money usually have named someone as incompetent and unable to handle their own affairs.

My golden child sister tried to deny it, and the jig was up.  I also realized my mother played the Aunt Scapegoat is "crazy" game. Today I don't know what to believe and question much of what I was told. There were too many discrepancies. I was told Aunt Scapegoat was mentally ill enough to be hoarding and that she was hoarding her own waste even, but then I came to this, "How on earth was someone that mentally ill able to drive herself to dialysis 12 miles each way, three times a week". Aunt Denial told me she did drugs and stole from them. But how much is truth or lies? Would someone storing their own poop in a bag  and pee in a jars all over their trailer, be responsible enough to keep track of their dialysis days? I don't think so.  It made no sense. Things didn't add up, and as I thought things out, I knew I was being lied to. Where the stories about hoarding and the rest, what she used to get her guardianship? I don't know but I do know I don't trust any of them.

My mother has played the "You're Crazy" game on me and she has labeled me mentally ill to the rest of the family to the point, they have devalued anything I had to say for years. Being an Aspie this was easier for her to do. While my Aspergers went undiagnosed and unnamed, she used aspects of it to label me insane. She did to me what was done to my aunt, just in a different way. I had the IQ to fight back, and realize something was wrong. Sometimes I am in horror, that if I had believed them on what they had to say about me, that I would have become an utterly destroyed person like my Aunt Scapegoat. She told my father I was "crazy" and every other relative.

Some memories have come back to me and things I haven't thought about in years. One of those things was how they tried to drive me crazy with all the gas lighting and tried to push me into severe mental illness and threatened me with commitment. One thing I had going for me, is I got good grades and I was very quiet in school, and today I believe if those two things were not true, both parents could have railroaded me into the institution of their choice.  I would have been destroyed and quite easily too. Perhaps fear of what I would say about them and their abuse, kept them from dragging me to the nearest psych ward, but one aspect of my abuse was being threatened with commitment. These threats peaked as I entered my early teens.

In 1982-83, my father had my Aunt Confused committed once and it could have been twice. He did an involuntary commitment on her. He made a big to do of getting her put in the psych ward and she was there far longer then today's 72 hour watches. He spoke to her with disdain, yelled at her, and told her to shut up. There were whispers of court, paperwork and "getting her help". From my angle, she did abuse pills, and was "hyper" and seemed to be afraid a lot, talking about the mafia coming after her. Since my father's family was from New Jersey, maybe the mafia talk wasn't a delusion. She still seemed afraid to the day I went no contact with her. She was relieved when I went no contact with her to be honest. She always took my phone calls with severe hesitation. She saw me as a "trouble-maker" and "rebel" who was upsetting the apple cart far too much. I hadn't seen her or my father's side of the family since 1997 but she was still in continuous contact with my mother.

I got the message loud and clear she lived with this fear of being "put away" all her life. Even last year, when I still talked to her, it seemed her adult son seemed to have a heavy decision making whether she could go on a trip or not and even over her bank account. I asked her, if her son had guardianship over her and she would not respond but something funny seemed to be going on. I lived too far away so didn't pursue the matter with her. Realizing there are two relatives with some kind of guardianship funny business going on definitely forms a pattern.

In the 80s, she seemed to keep to herself in her trailer, eating hamburgers and reading tabloids so whatever else she was up to along with the drugs, I may have not been privy to. Even though she was supposedly "insane", they dropped me and my brother off all the time to visit with her.

Like Aunt Scapegoat, Aunt Confused was trashed to me night and day. "She is crazy!". They would scream at me that I was just like her every time they got mad at me and tell me they were going to do the papers on me to commit me.  They were going to put me in the same hospital and see if I liked it. "They'll put you in the rubber room with your aunt!" They especially focused on me "turning out like her" and "You two are just alike!" Part of me today thinks I could have been better off if the doctors weren't on my parents side automatically but obviously I was scared to death. My mother would sneer, "We can put you away!" One time I went with my father to visit my Aunt Confused in the big stone walled psych ward and hospital in our town, she came down in a bathrobe to the meeting area but didn't have much to say. She was just quiet. She was cowed. She did not fight my father and did everything he said, and the same applied later with her own grown son.

Around that time I was 13, and 14 years old, and the constant litany of comparisons with my aunt never let up, "You are crazy like Aunt Confused!""You are going to turn out like her.". "We will put you away in the same place and you can join her!"  This was daily not just once in a while at that time. There were times I was scared I was going to go mad, and they helped push this along. This degree of emotional abuse on a young teen was beyond the pale. They would gaslight me. I became petrified of losing my mind as they told me over and over I was crazy and mentally ill and there was no hope for me and my future. I was a young Aspie and told my problems of unpopularity were all my fault. I "kept my nose in books" way too much too. The me of today wonders if they were trying to drive me to total insanity so they could "put me" away. If I had been born 20-30 years earlier, they definitely would have succeeded.

 My reading choices of the time, reflect some of what I was undergoing.  "Will There Ever Be a Morning?" was one favorite book of mine when Frances Farmer gets put into the psych ward by her controlling mother. I read "I never Promised You a Rose Garden" petrified that I would go mad like the girl in the book but remembering thinking at the time, "But you are not having hallucinations like she is."  At time, I wanted to know if I really was crazy like they said I was. 

My untreated PTSD already was giving me problems I did not understand. Back then I didn't know what PTSD or C-PTSD even was, I would learn at the age of 18 buying a book on panic disorders, OCD and anxiety problems, but at that point I did not know. I was scared because I was having feelings of depersonalization.  Depersonalization can come with anxiety disorders. I still remember the first time that happened and being scared to death that I was cracking up, but kept my mouth shut knowing the monsters around me would use it for my destruction.

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One time it happened to me while sitting at the bathroom at the age of 10, the feeling of unrealness and not being me. I would stay lucid and not miss time or anything like that so no one else would know what was happening to me,  even if the feeling came over me in a crowded classroom but it scared me for years. I didn't know what was happening to me. I fortunately escaped having or the effects of personality disorders or Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID], but my anxiety problems brought me trouble at a very early age. Why wouldn't I be troubled being so severely emotionally abused and where I could be hit out of the blue at a seconds notice?

As a young adult, I struggled with anxiety and panic disorder and was diagnosed with PTSD by multiple therapists. My work life was severely affected by panic attacks and anxiety. I would hide it but it took a strong physical toll. There was a lot of time crying in bathrooms and getting myself "together" so no one would know how much I was suffering. Many female Aspies suffer from anxiety and other related problems.  I was someone who needed solace, comfort and loving support and did not get it. What is great about the last couple years is I actually have had some recovery from my anxiety disorders. As I have written before going no contact cut it down almost immediately by 80%. My last actual panic attack--I can still feel anxiety with COPD breathing problems--was two and half years ago. What else happened that long ago? I went no contact.

There was such sheer hatred shown for anyone with mental health problems. Of course if they hated me that much why not just hand me over to be a ward of the state? No they enjoyed the game and the torture. Mentally ill people were just weak to them. No one got any mercy.

Often gaslighting will take the form for scapegoats in telling a scapegoat they are crazy and denying reality to their face. Some ACONs may even feel like reality itself will crack as the lying never lets up and they are told that what they saw, heard and felt was not real.  I was told over and over that what I saw and heard was not real and I was wrong about everything. I have realized my sociopathic mother is doing it now, in her birthday cards, trying to claim she is innocent as the driven snow.  She has gotten the other stupid people around her to believe, that I am the problem and that my emotions and "rejection" of her has arisen out of a vacuum and that my "mental illness" is the reason why I have gone no contact. It pisses me off, to see her write that garbage, "You choose to believe things about me that are not true."  She told my brother, "I don't know what she is so mad about". Everything is about rewriting reality. Learning about gaslighting is definitely a door that opens up wide for a ACON and exposes the evil. Today I see through her garbage but I remember the years and years of being taught to question my own mind, emotions and thoughts. ACONs have to train themselves to listen to their own mind and emotions.

Lately I have contemplated the affect of having my emotions and personhood denied for my whole life. I am facing a big struggle lately that has to do with a lifelong effect of this. I am so upset facing it and how I was so destroyed in the eyes of others. The emotions are almost indescribable. Unlike some ACONs who struggle with an identity, I have one, but it feels like I live in a world that seeks to obliterate it and me. I have faced facts I was a severely physically disabled woman who got not an ounce of sympathy or empathy by a bunch of creeps, and also I was a thoughtful artistic Aspie, who was around a bunch of Neanderthals, no that is too insulting to Neanderthals.

I believe some of the narcissists succeed in destroying people's minds because they teach them to doubt their own reality. I held on to my own reality with a hard grip as they tried to take it away from me. There was once a therapist said something strange to me, she told me, "You have a core of steel". I don't think she meant that I was hard or cold. She meant that inside I had developed a fortress. I remember developing this fortress at a very young age and this may astound some of you but I remember being only ten years old and thinking, "I will not let them in my mind, and they cannot have it." Sometimes I think Aspergers protected me from cracking up, Aspies live in their mind. I turned inward to survive. Some therapists actually would tell me the fortress was a problem. One yelled at me, "You have built up this wall, and no one can get over it!" I said, "The wall is there for a reason." This wall saved me even when I faced some severe spiritual abuse. When I get brave enough I may write about this sometime and how disabled people get abused in the Christian world just for being disabled, without naming names. In the fortress, I was saying, "You know she's full of crap", don't you?" 

I joked once to a friend that the Stasi, could put me under the light bulb, and smack me around and I would not break. This may be the reason I got hired to work with teen sociopaths, rapists and drug dealers. They knew I would not break and yes I had co-workers who did. If two narcissists who told me none of my feelings were valid for years and years and that I was wrong about everything who called me crazy almost every waking day of my childhood life, couldn't do it, how could they? My own body has done such bad things to me even torture would be a run of the mill occurrence. Emotional torture was a given. My panic attacks were relegated to times of relative safety, after the fact.

One time I went to my mother when I was fifteen, and was depressed. I told her I was so depressed I felt like dying. I didn't have any suicide plans or anything like that but was crying and despondent. I was an unpopular teenager with no friends and feelings of understandable depression. She told me, "If you want to go commit suicide, go ahead and do it then!" What kind of mother is that? And how many of these types drive their more vulnerable children to suicide? Other ACONs have attested to the same messages given their teenage angst or depression. I walked away and kept my mouth shut. No feelings were to be shared among those who had none. ACONs basically have no family, we live with these people who hate us, and have no interest in really knowing us.

The abuse where they told me I was "crazy" really got bad during my teenage years. I know they turned other people against me from family friends to extended relatives, sometimes even expressing false concern when they were busy wearing a mask. This never let up. I know these messages continued behind the scenes even during my years as an art teacher and residential counselor and then later when I lived in my last rural town. I went to enough therapists to learn what my actual state of mental health was, so I could get the professional opinion about it all.  This helped rescue me. Whatever mental illness I had was the result of severe emotional and other abuse at the hands of the sociopaths. Aspergers is a neurological condition not a mental illness. It was always funny how my mother when angry would tell me to go see a counselor when she obviously has never darkened the doorstep of a counselor's office.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths are dangerous to our mental health. Going no contact is imperative even in protecting our own minds.  One reason I had to go no contact, is my physical health was being destroyed and I was almost ending up in the hospital just from dealing with them. They do break people. I see two very broken people they managed to destroy. If they don't morally destroy someone with their poison, they will emotionally and mentally destroy someone. If someone ask me if I loved my mother, I would say no. I cannot love someone who tried to destroy me on every level.

These morally insane people do try to destroy people by calling them crazy and even threatening children and teens with commitments and more. They also set scapegoats and others up more for the predators leaving them unsure of themselves. I believe many poisonous narcissistic mothers and fathers lie about their children and manipulate the "professionals" to label them and put them in programs, some die from being put in Wilderness programs and others are tortured by the system in "Scared Straight" programs. I find myself wondering how many of the Scared Straight kids were abused and beaten at home.

This continues into adulthood was well, where sadly many scapegoats have earned the life-long title of the "crazy" one. This happened to me. The entire family sees me as a nutter. Even the ones I am very low contact with treat me like I am radioactive. I don't have much hope for those contacts either. And can see the day coming where I have no contact with anyone in the family. The narcissists hamstring you then because when you fight back and stand up for yourself, then you are already considered nuts, so your angry and hurt words are just seen as the "mental case" ranting and raving. I was told by the flying monkeys and others I was a "negative" person. I was told by family members my poverty and illness were the result of my bad attitude.  We spend so much time just trying to get some of them to validate us. I wasted years trying to do this. It doesn't go anywhere because they have this view of you in your mind that the narcissists gave them. They successfully make us look crazy.

There's literally been decades where the malignant narcissists have told them, you are off your rocker and "the problem". I ponder for myself too now the nastiness said about other people from my brother's ex wife, to the two mentally broken aunts and others my mother decided were the "enemy". She used the technique effectively that they were all "crazy" too and got dozens of people to sign on. My brother may not be divorced today even if my mother had not sought to destroy his ex-wife at any cost. He never defended her and I believe that is the core besides some of his other bad behaviors why the marriage failed. My mother has this way of making herself appearing as the "reasonable" one, she has the money and the practicality to solve problems and they all buy into her mask.

I realize this is one reason, Aunt Denial and cousins and even my own sister kept their children away from me or limited their contact. It didn't matter I had spent years working with children and very troubled young people with endless security and background checks but they all believed my mother and kept their children away. My relationship ended with my sister the day I realized she was keeping her children away from me on purpose.  They deem you even too "unstable" to have anything to do with their children. You may be a bad "influence". Or Whoops you may let a few family secrets slip.......

I have learned to avoid people who play the "you're crazy" games. I cut them off immediately. The ex-friend, who did not believe me about a narcissist abusing me in my support group, actually tried to tell me I had gone "crazy" from my high blood sugars. What happened with that fake friend was a huge devastation. I had someone just like my mother in the room.  I knew the friendship was over at that point. Once someone disrespects you and tells you that you are "crazy" and they are busy rewriting reality instead of listening with empathy and respect, that is someone you need to get away from. That includes people you are related to. Someone who calls you crazy with the spirit of ripping you to shreds, does not love you.

This narcissistic society operates the same way our parents did, telling anyone who questions the status quo, they are crazy. This is a way to devalue people and silence them. That was the goal of our narcissistic parents. We are not the crazy ones, they are.

Back Door Trojans and Computer Problems

Does anyone know how to remove COM SURROGATE?

How about a BACKDOOR TROJAN?

I've had three Trojans sent to my computer in the last week and did three complete wipes of the computer, this means wiping the computer totally clean and reinstalling windows and the factory image which is not an easy task and takes hours. After I cleaned off the last one, a new one showed up almost immediately. My computer has crashed blue screen three or four times in the last two weeks.

I have McAfee right now and have used SuperAntiSpyware to scan the system as well as Windows Defender.

These viruses I wonder if they are invented by the companies themselves to sell programs. It's like they want to drive us all crazy. I hope someone is not attacking my computer on purpose. I was on all mainstream websites, when the Trojans came in.

I'm honestly disgusted by it all. Ever notice they never put virus makers in jail? They don't care if these jerks destroy endless hours of productivity in the work place or destroy endless software and computers, but the police state is more busy rounding up people to put in jail for not paying fines.

Computer people kind of creep me out. They are making computers so complex, and expect people to do more and more of the impossible. All our computers are overloaded with endless pass words and garbage and stupidity they call "security" but actually doesn't do anything for us. They are ruining programs and computers with their complexity.

Narcissists Will Never Say They Are Sorry

Forgiveness

"MO the secret doesn't lie in forgiveness, it lies in ACCEPTANCE. Accept your narcs for who and what they are and while you're at it accept they will never change, then RUN LIKE HELL!

I went through that process realizing what she is and was, and knowing there would never be a change, the empty shell would never be replaced by a person capable of empathy.

It occurred to me years ago, I never have heard the phrase "I am sorry" from either parent. My mother especially is incapable of the phrase. My mother sees me in such a low way, that she wouldn't even dare fake an apology. Two and half years in and it's not going to happen. The attitude "I didn't do nothing" will exist for eternity. It will be what marches her right into the gates of hell. I have prayed to God for His justice and actually a direct prayer, "Lord, tell her and show her what she did to me." and I believe this will be done.  In her mind, she is perfect and I am wrong and sadly she has convinced others of this.

Some narcissists will do fake apologies. Watch out for those too. One thing you will notice when it comes to narcissists, and I have noticed it with the false friends, is they never apologize or try to make amends. They and their flying monkeys will tell you to "move on" and that you are holding grudges. Nothing is to be discussed, it's always to be shoved under the carpet. That's what they want. Often cowards in the face of narcissists and sociopaths are far more upset about any boat rocking by a victim speaking out then the abuse in the first place. Once I had my brother tell me, "Why can't you just let the past go?" and I said to him, "But the abuse is very now and present, it is continuing, it is not in the PAST". He had no response to this. I realized he cared far more about keeping the narcissists happy then me happy.

My new rule for life is to stay away from people who are incapable of making amends or who never apologize and consider themselves always right. I am realizing this is going to be a big change for me in terms of who I choose to associate myself with.

Mulderfan's father sounds so much like my mother it was scary to read:

"We would like to know what we have done to offend you and then we can rectify our misdeeds. I'm sure they're not serious offenses".

My mother would simply say "It didn't happen" or would write weird convoluted phrases, like "You choose to believe things about me that are not true". 

I know now the person who let a 5 year "friendship" die in a puff of smoke was never a friend of mine as she had no loyalty and let a narcissist steam roller me. I think of myself begging her to see what was going on and how she simply refused.  She never could admit she was wrong about anything either. Sad to say, I wondered if she had spoken with my mother, she sounded so much like her. Yelling at me for "not forgiving" my family during that last day. I wish I had said, "How do you forgive people who never say they are sorry?". You can't. Real forgiveness does not exist with no repentance. People who have no interest in making amends or working things out and who discard and devalue as soon as you question, criticize or stand up against abuse are people to be avoided.

How do you forgive those who never apologize and never make amends. You got two choices, sit there and continue to take their abuse, or get up and walk away. People who never let the phrase "I am sorry." are to be avoided like the plague. You can't have a real relationship with them. They are too busy wearing the mask of "perfection".

Fall Foliage

Here are some pictures I took the other day, fall is my favorite season!

The Social Isolation and Turmoil of the Disabled

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I and a disabled friend were talking about being disabled and how it can lead to isolation in this society. I asked her to write down some ideas and I would respond and make an article out of it. Being disabled in this society is tough!

Often you will be left out or people will view you with pity. One difficulty I ended up facing is some people would see me as a project or someone to "pity", and did not see me as a equal human being. While a disabled person may want friends, be careful of those types. Stay away from people who think they are superior to you and do not see you as an "equal person", they will hurt you bad. This is something important for disabled people to protect themselves from.

While older people have senior centers, us disabled even into our late middle years are barred from such places in many communities. My last one let me take the occasional class while this one says no can do until I am 60. It is strange to me how older people who often still have intact family circles, are given these social opportunities and the disabled are given none. Unless you have a developmental disability and parental support, the otherwise disabled, are left hanging loose in the social world. Even the church world caters to the seniors leaving the disabled out. Remember that church I attended? They had this over 55 group where the seniors were invited to eat lunch and more. No one invited me even though I am pretty late into middle adult hood and not that far from the age cut-off. They didn't advertise the meeting times either. Where's the group for the middle aged and disabled? There don't seem to be any.

As many of you know we have considered moving from here, our social fortunes have been so poor. The available medical care has kept me here but visible disabilities have affected things for me. While some people are patient and long time friends understand, many newer ones do not. My friend from college visited me this week from out of town, and she understood when we went to a nature center, and botanical garden, that my walking would be limited. Others would not be so understanding and such limitations would bring anger in them. I had some relationships with people collapse once they knew of some of these limitations.

I'll let my friend tell things from her side now, her words in blue, and mine responses underneath.

She wrote, "It would be a complex article; electric wheel-chairs or power chairs no longer get approved or paid by Medicare or Medicaid now. I couldn't get one! If they DID approve you, it costs you at least $1,000 dollars now. People don't realize the liberal Democrats and Republicans are all cutting Medicare, Medicaid and social security. We are ruled by huge billionaires and mega-corporations now. THEY don't want those programs! Neither party! So political parties aren't that different."

 I have written how Obama always goes for the jugular of the disabled, on this blog. All those programs are cut. Being able to be mobile does indeed affect one's social life, as not being able to walk impacts the disabled persons life. I had a scooter for some years, but we never could afford the lift to put it in the car and it was very physically demanding for my husband to get it in our van, and as he aged, he wasn't able to. It broke down from age and had some problems even early on--I suspect they sold me a defective or used one in Chicago.

The disabled people you see scooting around with nice scooters, are wealthier people who can afford repair for their scooters, the scooter itself and nice vans and lifts. There was many times I had to turn down going somewhere because it was "too much walking". I haven't been in a shopping mall in years. Going to some festivals, flea markets and even conferences was impossible if they were over too huge of an area. For years I could not shop at Aldis, or Save A Lot though now I can, because I can walk just enough now to pick what cheaper food I want. Socially I was barred from many events due to these mobility concerns and I am sure my friend was too. The same people who ignored these mobility concerns ignored concerns about weather too.

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"As for public transport, many communities don't have it! Ride Source is "federally mandated", but in many cities it does not exist. It is not there. The disabled still have to find taxis, buses or family or own private cars equipped to transport them. You can't really live in a big bad city. There won't be any Ride Source. Ride Source in San Francisco does not work."

Transportation troubles are huge for the disabled. This is true. I lived without a car for 5 years in Chicago and it was hell on earth. I have cried worrying about losing our car. The paratransit sometimes would abandon me for hours. I remember one day when I was left at a library in Skokie IL and could not get home. They had basically given up sending a van out to pick me up. I had to hitchhike with a woman I asked for a ride. Hitchhiking for me became a new normal as I was left trapped in so many places unable to walk as long as everything required.  It took me hours to find someone to give me a ride, and no taxis were showing up because we had moved into rush hour time, to get to the bus stop to find my way home. I remember not going anywhere for years because it was too hard and physically demanding to get anywhere. I had my severe weight gain and barely could walk. Many of the systems are broken.

Our car is getting very old, and both I and my husband are scared because of this as the rich narcissists live in luxury, why? Because one day we called the local "Ride Source"-- and they did not show up for HOURS. They serve the inner city area here, and our area is put last. We had to give up on where we were going to go. This is scary business for people who don't walk well.

"So that alone, can keep anyone disabled from getting out of the house. You need a private car to get out--or else, you can't get out!

This is very true and often people own cars where even a ride can be hard to get. If it's an SUV that is high up with a foot railing or a Jeep, I can't get in it. Sedan's that are way too low, same thing though in my case, I can get in and out of some of them. This is something that affects my life. If someone I know has a bad car for the disabled, then I can't get a ride.

Even if you manage to get out of the house, there can be other barriers. I am not wheelchair bound but I cannot go up a flight of stairs, if there is a lot of stairs there, forget it. Sadly that is too many places. One art club in my old town, I could not go because they held it in a musty basement down a steep flight of stairs. I've had to cancel visits, because walking was required or stairs were there. Once my husband took me to this political meeting he was covering on a subject I was interested in, and they had a dinner there, and I was forced to sit outside in the car instead of going on inside to eat dinner. One lady was nice and brought me out food, but this reminded me of my disabled status far too much. There is a writing club held at another church in this town I can't go to because it's down a long flight of stairs. I would ask, "Can you move upstairs?" and always would be turned down. Some have asked me "Why don't you try other churches?" There are churches in my community I cannot attend due to barrier issues. Even at the church I attended, I had to sit in a special chair they moved behind the pews which were too low and close together.

These physical barriers definitely impact some of the social ones.

"There is also the "social-rejection-pain" overlap theory. This is where people actually become sicker and suffer physical pain and illness from social rejection and rejection can come from being disabled. You could say, many disabled have it. It's complex too. I think they mean "family rejection trauma" but I think your generalized "social-rejection" could do the same thing.

 Social rejection creates physical and emotional illness. And for many of us this starts young, our kinfolk reject us.  So that theory is true. Many ACONs can attest to how our early rejection impacted us. One thing with the disabled, they present these loving caring families who all rally around the disabled person, and yes those families do exist, but there are many where this does not happen. The ideals of television do not carry into real life. The child is considered a "burden", a "disappointment" and a "problem". The older you get and if you "don't get better" or your health problems "worsen", it's like people "give up on you" and walk away. This is happening to me, I can tell the attitudes since I was in my thirties have changed since I have entered my late 40s. When I was younger the impossible dream of weight loss was held out. "One day five hundred pound peep will get herself together!"

There are many families like my own where the disabled are just seen as afterthoughts. To narcissists the disabled are poor narcissistic supply and not children they can use to brag on. Some engulfing narcissists can use a disabled child or adult to play martyrs and Manchusens by Proxy with. When a disabled child or adult has a will of their own, then that situation will end, you are not useful to them and you become discarded and devalued.

 Many disabled people are abandoned by their families. This is one thing you do not see discussed in society. In the world of the disabled , there many severely lonely people who long ago lost family support. There are higher expectations for the people who may become disabled later in life, like in their teens and 20s.  Some of this rejection is worse, because while society insists on a parent accepting and loving a disabled child, someone who is disabled in young adulthood doesn't get that back up. If you are middle aged and disabled, and have not been "cured" or have lifelong chronic problems, then people consider you a "lost cause" instead of realizing a valuable person is sitting there. They forget about you. If you are living on a fixed income, there is no money for traveling or reunions with them. You become strangers.

"I even notice your economic level may decide how disabled you become. I bet fewer rich become disabled. They are rich enough to prevent it, or to get medical support. It's easy to get disabled if you are poor. There is no support. The rich still get the best medical treatment even in nations of socialized medicine. Being disabled easily gets you isolated for several reasons; the disabled [and this includes poor and disabled seniors a lot, get ignored. and avoided by everyone."

It's true, the poorer you are, the more disabled you can become. I often have thought what would have happened if my lipedema got discovered earlier? Life in stage 1 or 2 would have been far less disabling. Many poor people have far less medical insurance, and have medical problems that go without treatment. I have made the choice to stay in a community with rich people in it, which means there is far more medical resources. There is the sad reality that many people died young in my old town because they could not afford or acquire the same degree of medical treatment.

Becoming disabled happens far easier among the poor too because their jobs are more physically demanding and less forgiving of smaller differences or problems. A man with a bad back can keep a corporate desk job while a man who has to do construction or work manual labor is far more in danger of disability. Lower level jobs do not allow for sick days or time off to see doctors. One week in the hospital means being fired to many lower level jobs. One day with the flu means losing your job at McDonalds or Wal-Mart.

As for being avoided, it is another sad fact. People do not want to be around the disabled. Our pain and trouble "bothers" them. For those of us who came out of narcissistic families, we especially feel the early rejection that came.  Some of us develop coping mechanisms where to be socially functional we will hide high degrees of pain and suffering but this can backfire on us, as the expectations and demands remain high and we fail to meet them. The other day I told my husband, "People have always expected way too much!"  Inside I feel the rejection, it is something always there for me. Even with the ex-friend, as she started complaining about my weight and how "hard it was to be my friend", I knew the "friendship" was on the way out. She didn't care about the person I was inside.

Many disabled people can end up totally alone in our society.  I have been totally alone before.

 I am fortunate to be blessed with a husband that has stuck by me and is loyal and loving. I also had my close college friend of 30 years just visit me. She sits by me while I lay down sometimes for 3-4 hours during a day when she is visiting. Many disabled people are abandoned by everyone. Some people get sick and the husband or wife leaves. Some have few or no friends. I tell other disabled people like the disabled people I see at quarterly meetings in my community, we often have to reach out to others in our boat too.

"And now Baby-Boomers, as seniors are the biggest new source of disabled people and their Medicare and Medicaid is being destroyed. We're not like those Russian peasants you hear of, who are so tough, they are still running around gardening and farming at 70--why? Because all of the weak or sick or fragile ones all died off. The Russians and many nations use "social-Darwinism"--the strongest prevail. Which is now happening in the USA--the richest prevail.

Yes the richest prevail here. Rich and disabled is a far different story then poor and disabled. It is true in other nations, the disabled are just allowed to die off. America paved the way with social security in help for the disabled but not it is under attack especially as the population ages and the elites want more of the money for themselves. Russian peasants had a more simple life on the land and close social ties that kept them going. Social ties which have been destroyed for many in America.

I think about this one friend in this town, who had to have a quadruple heart bypass, and hurt her back. She was in bed for months from the heart surgery and the bad back. She did not lose her job, she had 20 years in with a big corporation, and she had family help her out. The family nursed and cared for her and one sister who lived with her cleaned her house. She later helped them in return. Many poor people without a decent job and medical insurance and without a loving and caring family in that situation would have died or ended up with their whole life crashing.  That is one huge loss for us ACONs, a loving family to help. Many of us knew we were on our own from very early on.

The Social Darwinists are taking over here. One hears their words in the Republican party. "Go die in the gutter!" The one local ex-friend told me, that I was a "slave" to social security. Her family helped to support her and she lived in a house of a deceased uncle. Her personal social safety nets never faltered as she trashed me for hanging on to the thread offered by our government. I suppose by her Republican inclinations, I was supposed to give up my social security check and go die in the nearest gutter.

She was not a rarity though. I have faced this time and time again. In a group of people, one lady insulted everyone on welfare. People have said such things to my face without one moment of empathy. "Go die, you cost the state money!" Of course such types never question the bankers and their trillions in cleaning out the till. One thing, fellow disabled folks who are reading this, I hate both parties, but avoid anyone who tries to guilt you over being on disability, they are not your friend. There are people who can breathe and have no COPD issues and weight 150 pounds less then me who are not hired for any jobs because they are "too fat" and don't have a "professional appearance". I am now going to use disability put-downs as a "red flag warning" to get away from someone. If they have these mean and nasty attitudes about the disabled they are not going to be part of my life. These are the kind of people who cheer on the rot in the system and vote for people who will contribute to everyone's demise.

It is ironic to me how some would trash me for being disabled, who often got plenty of outside help of their own or support. The same goes for my mother with her nepotistic government job and insurance pay-outs. One form of abuse I had right before I left the family was I was abused for being disabled, and they would post things about "lazy bums" on social security disability on Facebook. Much of this was meant for me personally.

"Lots of things contribute to disabled people getting isolated, our American lack of family support. In other primitive cultures, families tend to stick together more. In America, families spread apart, and themselves became isolated and broken up."

This is true, families don't stick together anymore. Family systems are breaking up. Relatives are like your distance school mates on Facebook, you barely know them anymore. They are just there and you haven't seen them in 10 years. One thing that is very hard for me is to see families here where everyone is connected like they were 30 years ago. I ask myself "What happened?"  I realized that my sister has nothing to do with my brother and his kids. There is intense selfishness and people who just don't care anymore and you can't make them care.  Everyone was forced to move too much. Family and extended family is breaking up in America. This is one reason you see abandoned elderly people who have to turn to the state or end up in the nursing home because no one will take care of them. Even the ones who have nieces and nephews and sometimes even have children are left abandoned.

"This country and society have become very "anti-family". Corporations, employers, businesses etc, only want to hire the YOUNG. They only give support to young, nuclear families, not extended families.---and once employees get old, they are fired [not retired] and can no longer get work."

This is true, getting old, can be your 40s. I saw what happened to my husband who was thrown out as he got older and slower and couldn't do the 14 hour days as effectively . One thing I notice when eating in "yuppie" establishments on rare occasions, is most of the comfortably employed are young and thin and have a certain look to them. Many young with the millennials and Generation X have no jobs but the thin sliver of the ones getting employed all look a certain way. They are all healthy and thin. It seems even a certain amount of beauty beyond good grooming is a requirement for a good job today. The halcyon days even of inclusion for the disabled where you would see someone in  a wheelchair in company advertisements seem long gone. This is no longer mentioned. When I was young in the 70s, inclusion of the disabled was a big thing but you don't see it anymore.

"The work society also rejects hiring the disabled; most disabled, can't get hired even if they can do the job! People with autism routinely get turned down by employee screeners or agencies, solely on "personality" alone. Even though it's illegal to discriminate against the disabled in hiring, it is done everywhere anyhow. The federal laws against discrimination in hiring are worthless."

This is so true. Even small health problems can cut someone out of the running. I believe the whole job system needs changed and the way people are hired and fired. Should people have to go suffer in severe poverty for being "different" or "not being liked" by the boss? Yes autistic people as well as many others are left out. Being hearing impaired, or overweight can make becoming employed nearly impossible. Our society is actually getting into a mode where only an elite sliver are being allowed employment that actually pays the bills and perfection as deemed by the system is the price of entry. This is one thing I noticed, years ago a man who was a little bit eccentric, could hold a job if he was peaceful and drug free but today that same man is relegated to the streets. "Personalities" are discriminated against with the line, "You're not a good fit, so go starve now!"

Many are complaining that too many people are going on disability but they don't look at how the job system is run.  In my case I cannot work, even if I wanted too, due to the breathing and stamina issues, but many people who otherwise "could" work are running fleeing to social security because the job system is so damn punishing to them. They aren't being allowed in. They are being deemed too "imperfect" to get a job for just having a minor health problem.

One example of this was the hell I went through just to get a job when I was midsized. This hits home even harder for the poor where many of the low level jobs require that someone can stand on their feet without sitting down for 8-10 hours a day or move heavy objects. My feet would scream in pain working at a fast-food restaurant, for  5-6 hours a day. The older people get the more impossible working jobs like that gets too.

There are no more job programs for the disabled where jobs are set aside for them. They expect you to compete in the open job market. Some times people with disabilities who are computer geniuses can get employed but that should make you wonder why you have to be savant just to be able to support yourself?

"Try being disabled, without a job, no money and see how isolated you become. Shut-ins are usually poor. Economics is often at the bottom of many problems. This includes cures, treatments, interventions and equipment. "

Yes isolation comes with all of that. When people have no money, this means no money to travel see people or buy anything. You are seen as a "taker" instead of a "giver". People don't see you as "contributing" or "pulling your weight". You may do a little bit of volunteer work but you are not seen as a "productive" member of society.  If you do not have money to go places and see people, then the relationships can be very tested. I often have dreamed of winning the Lotto, just so I could see people I miss. Economics does impact one's live very much. Many shut-ins are poor, this is true.

With my friend mentioning treatments, I am going through some weird grief recently. Since I got the digital hearing aids and can hear people for the first time in 10 years, I am mourning all that lost time being lost in the deaf fog. My amplifier hearing aid helped some but I need the word clarity especially in my case with my type of hearing loss.  I think "Why didn't I have these hearing aids 10 years ago?" I am very happy for them but there is that twinge of sadness! Many disabled people go without needed treatments and medical care.

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"If the disabled had Economic Clout, their lives would be a lot different.  And disabled organizations most often have no political or lobbying power. No powerful sponsors!! Those disabled who are rich, ignore their poorer peers. The famous actor, who played. "Superman" became paralyzed, was said to be a God-send to the disabled community. HE HAD POWER and used it for the disabled agenda! Many disabled prayed, "Please God, make more movie stars paraplegic!" Complicated isn't it? Quit a complex subject. "

Yes if there was economic clout, things would be different for the disabled. People who are poorer can't advocate for themselves as well. The disabled organizations are very low on political or lobbying power.  Even for different conditions one can see the wealthy and worried well pulling their weight while ignoring those who suffer more severe forms of a condition. I am glad that Christopher Reeves helped the disabled too, he did bring the problems of those who had suffered spinal cord injuries to the front. Lately Kathy Bates is exposing the problems of lymphedema. Sure people want more powerful spokesmen for their cause!


 "I might add this American social ideal of running around, everywhere, joining clubs, doing charity work and having outside hobbies all the time---BUSY, BUSY, BUSY as if you were an 18 year old is hard on everyone--except the 18 years olds. This is a burden the disabled having in America. We can't keep up. The rest of Americans are tired especially as you get older or are disabled. People with full time jobs are tired; people with KIDS get tired. The society's ideal of being "BUSY, BUSY, BUSY" all the time is a false one. Two job families are tired."

This is a major burden on everyone but it does burden the disabled. Many people think the disabled person has endless free time, and think it can be utilized but they don't realize how exhausted you really are. If you are disabled, you can have others try and volunteer you for charity projects because they see your time as "free".  They don't realize hours are spent even on health related activities or how life really is when you are collapsed into bed. People have expected me to function at the level of a normal and healthy person and have gotten angry when this did not happen.

Many Americans now run around so much it's insane. I see them on Facebook, and they never stop for a moment. The ones who have good incomes seem to spend a lot of them just on being busy even for things outside of work and the kids are so over programmed, I know they are not getting the "free days" of youth I remember when I would visit my friends. "What do you DO?" is the siren call of America and for the disabled surrounded by the busy-bodies of this culture, life can be even more exhausting. They see anyone who slows down for a minute as "lazy" so what about us?

"The society we live in has a big effect on the individual. The disabled and/or senior does not do well in an "over-industrialized, "over militarized", youth and material-oriented society. Quite frankly it sucks. This culture treat their seniors and disabled so badly. But this government also does that. It's only concern now is wealth and it's owned by the wealthy. Ditto Russia, now under Putin, many of their social safeguards under old Communism are gone.

What good can there be for any less- advantaged class can there be in a society where 90% of the wealth is up at the top and 99% of the population has nothing? If the working middle class is gone, those who are disabled or seniors are even WORSE off."

This society is hard enough for normal healthy people to survive in, so my friend has a point. It's focus on profit and war, means any vulnerable people get rolled over. The 1% does not care about the problems of the disabled or old. Sadly it's true as things get worse for the normal working person, things will become even scarier for the disabled.

Disabled people do need to advocate for ourselves. This is one thing we have to do. I think telling the truth about the disabled life is needed to face and confront these things. I think about my life as a disabled person dealing with my society and culture. I got tired of being told I was "less then" because of my physical and other problems.  Even with the social isolation, I question it, and ask, "Why do things have to be this way?" They don't.

"The Fifteen, Evil, Well Planned and Skillfully Executed Steps of Character Assassination "

Is there any way at all to break out of this? ACONS galore figured the only way to break out of it all was by going no contact. This was one of the best articles I found that shared exactly what it is like. See the article in it's entirety at the link. This author is working from the angle of having a relationship with a narcissist, but this definitely applies to us with familial narcissists. Don't forget to scroll down and see the fifteen steps as she has them outlined:

The Fifteen, Evil, Well Planned and Skillfully Executed Steps of Character Assassination


"One, very common, frustration for the Victims/Survivors of the abuse of an N/S/P is that no one will believe you! I hesitate to call it a "frustration" because it is so MUCH MORE than that in reality. 

The effects from this can range from the 

annoying...i.e.strangers that have no power to affect you, believing lies about you, 

to the soul destroying...i.e your own family members turning against you, 

to the life changing....i.e. convincing the court that you are lying, resulting in the loss of your children and/or your ability to support yourself.

The ability of the N/S/P abusers to convince others that we are untruthful, unbalanced, cruel, vindictive, crazy, selfish, back-stabbers, bad parents and a myriad of other things...is their single most life changing "skill". So MANY times it is simply your word against theirs...but even when you have PROOF they are very successful in making others refuse to even CONSIDER at it by convincing them that you are "petty" and "vindictive". 

They CRY to others about how we have HURT them. They PURPOSEFULLY may decide to tell people how very much they LOVED YOU and how THEY are not angry with YOU and how they cannot understand how you could have "turned on them" this way. Often they tell others that they suspect that it is DRUGS or a MENTAL DISORDER and how MUCH they have TRIED to HELP US. It is NOT unknown for them to even produce TEARS in the right places.

They play the hurt "victim" to the HILT while simultaneously tormenting their victims unmercifully and cruelly, causing us ANGER and JUSTIFIABLE RAGE...and then use that very anger and rage to show EVERYONE JUST HOW UNSTABLE YOU ARE. 

When these other people...the "flying monkeys" who buy their stories, attempt to approach us about it, to "reason with us", repeating the lies they have been told...

that they have BELIEVED...we are HURT and ANGRY. Our FIRST reaction is to try to EXPLAIN...to try to CONVINCE...to try to CORRECT the lies. 

THIS ALSO FALLS RIGHT INTO THEIR PLAN...because they have been plotting this out and they KNOW how to arrange everything JUST the way they want it. 

The MORE you speak, the more these people become convinced that the abuser is CORRECT...the angrier you get about the betrayal of the abuser 

AND the flying monkeys....the more they are convinced that the abuser is correct. 

When you, justifiably, become upset that these people you have counted as friends, 

or even family members, your parents, your children, 

have so EASILY BEEN CONVINCED BY LIES...the more you are likely to lash out at them. 

Then, of COURSE, they simply CANNOT UNDERSTAND why YOU are angry at THEM. 

Once again, "The abuser MUST have been correct because you are NOW turning, irrationally and without REASON, EVEN on your friends and family!" 

It is a VICIOUS CYCLE and a trap that is nearly impossible to escape from. 

The ONLY hope is for these people to SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES because you will likely NEVER convince them!"