Peep's Rules of Happiness for Ex-Scapegoats

1. Stay away from assholes. That one is self explanatory. If someone makes you feel bad run. I know now if I get that creepy feeling inside of feeling like I am treated like I am "nothing" or being pushed aside, it's time to wake up. Avoid criticizers, mean people, and one's who try to nit pick you or put you down.

2. Find the nice people. Contrary to your narcissist's opinions, they are out there. There are people who will care, who will help you, who will treat you like a human being and who will love you. With Aspies, this may be harder due to social challenges, but there's people out there who have renounced ableism and do not see differences as something to reject people over. "Look for the helpers"--a la Fred Rogers, and look for the kind people.

3. Realize that you aren't at fault for everything that happened. In American culture we are told that we have chosen everything that has happened to us and control [often even via our own thoughts] the outcomes of our life. Some things we did or did not choose but many things we did not. Stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault.

4. Give up trying to impress or win people's favors. Once you feel like you need to PROVE to someone that you are "good enough". The game is already lost. You never will be. You could have an amazing art show, lost tons of weight, get advanced degrees, it's not going to happen. This is a trap. You want people in your life who assume a dignity and worth for all human beings, not ones who beat you over the head with their measuring sticks.

5. Learn to just "be", not do. Native and other cultures, were connected to the spirit of life, and didn't have to prove themselves via constant competition like American culture. Busyness is a curse in this society. Take time out to think, or even to just rest and meditate. Live in the "present" as much as is possible. This is where reading about mindfulness and such things can happen.

6. "Enough is a feast"--Buddhist proverb. In American society they have us run around, always trying to do and acquire more. I understand poverty can be horrible, but here, sometimes being able to be content with "enough" can help a life. It helps one focus too on more of what is important.

7. Develop your self esteem and kindness to yourself. This was one of my greatest challenges. Scapegoats can infuse the darkness of the soul murder, even if they escape. The scapegoaters taught self hatred and loathing, and a happy life cannot be found stuck in that pit. When people aren't loved and told they aren't good enough by their brainwashed families, undoing this, I know can be hard. It is possible to love yourself too. Don't give up even if you have a bad day.

8. Acceptance. I had my own battles of banging my head on the proverbial brick wall. What if I did this, Why did things turn out to be this way? One can ruminate until the cows come home but unless we all get "time-turners" like Hermione had in the Harry Potter movies, we are stuck. There's no changing what already happened. Follow the rule of changing what you can and knowing there are things we cannot change. So you are a scapegoat that lost the entire family? You didn't chose it. They did. The day I thought, "I don't have to run anymore like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to change everything" is a day I found more peace.

9. Do what you choose to do.  Obey the law, treat others decently, etc, but this is your life, you can decide what to do with it. Going no contact, you have escaped the demands and expectations of others, who have tried to shove you into a narrow box. You don't have to worry about having your hobbies, interests or causes made fun of.  You don't have to worry anymore about becoming someone else to be loved. This is a gift no contact gave me in spades. I could be my weird self and ENJOY it. I could enjoy the mind that my narcissists hated so much and I have. Ex-scapegoats can find freedom in this that expands their lives. Here one can ask themselves what do they really want in life. Ask yourself questions like "What do I want to do?"

10. Try to avoid mean Gods. Here while I had my deconversion and desconstruction, if you are a Christian, look to a loving God not one of cruelty, who replicates the cruel deeds of your narcissists. Try and analyze your religion, is it bringing happiness or is it bringing fear? How is it leading you to treat others? If you are an atheist, or agnostic, seek after the good in life that can be had.

11. Realize that you can become an ex-scapegoat if you are new to the process of no contact and learning about narcissism.  One can get a life where all narcissistic abusers are removed. I got to the point while I still have some annoyances with paperwork and daily life, no one's abusing me. I don't have anyone nit picking me, or putting me down. I was able to stop the abuse that was the core of my life. You can too.

12. Explore the arts. Art kept me alive. It was a lifeline. It is still a major part of my life.

Do you have rules you want to add?

Create Your Own Culture

----Terence McKenna

Radical Leftist Ideology?

Another Diagnosis?

Yeah believe it or not...

Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease

Yes, I know things are to the point where it would be easier to list what is not wrong. What is scary is my body started attacking it's own skin beyond the psorasis. Sores on my forehead and hair line have been bothering me for a couple years. I blamed it on my CPAP mask, but I switched to a new one three months ago that doesn't even touch my forehead and the forehead sores won't go away. It's a giant red splotch and yes people ask about it. Wearing makeup would just make it itch and weep more.

There's other skin problems on my arms different from the psorasis and dark velvet patches on my body. I learned I got diagnosed with Dermatomyositis some time ago. That one, I probably saw on my medical records and thought it was like dermatitis and blew it off. The house call doctors also had added chronic fatigue.

It seems autoimmune related too. I think there is some muscle weakness but not sure given the other health problems. I wondered for years why I was getting giant dusky patches on my skin where it looked like the first layer of skin had been removed, and remember saying to one doctor: "My arm looks like it is getting cancer".

It seems I am right about the vasculitis, I wrote about that YEARS ago here. I have to tell the rheum, I had a skin condition for years no doctor could diagnose and I went online to see what matched it, myself. Bloody pin pricks would bust out all over my entire body and once even put me in the hospital 25 years ago. They blamed the skin sores on my weight and diagnosed me with "statis ulcers". This would keep going on for years in smaller batches. I even had a small patch break out the other day though overall it lessened. I saw dermatologists constantly in Chicago with no help or answers. Sometimes I wonder how long have I faced these things? UCTD or Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease used to be called "latent lupus".

The ANA and other tests were positive.

At least now the doctors know I am not faking it or malingering when complaining about fatigue and pain. I did make the decision NOT to go on Plaquenil which is kind of medically controversial, as it can cause retinal damage. See the comments at the link. I have a relative who took this drug and had vision problems. I wrote the doctor an email saying, "I am already almost deaf, this is too much." Things were scary, I may have to change this decision if things worsen. Yes, I am worried about dealing with the skin, pain and fatigue, but my terror of blindness outdistances this all. Being nearly deaf, I depend on my vision to live and function. Yes I know the diabetes is a danger to it too.

With severe Lipedema, there can be massive autoimmune involvement. Many women with higher stage Lipedema are diagnosed with a vast array of autoimmune disorders, oddly scary ones involving the skin seem to pop up a lot. Elhers Danlos Syndrome is one major disorder that accompanies Lipedema. I am trying to research if there is overlap with Dercums with the UCTD. Some people online wrote they had been diagnosed with UCTD first.

Pain and Falling Apart Bodies Suck

"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Why? Because they can. The scapegoated child has been earmarked for abuse by the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the scapegoat is a fundamentally flawed individual, and a faulty appliance. They just do not understand why the scapegoat continues to challenge their authority, and won’t allow themselves to be controlled.

The scapegoated child’s siblings have been brainwashed into believing the narcissist’s faulty perception of this child. These siblings are trained by the narcissistic parent to peck peck peck at the scapegoated child, to pick them to bits, and to hold their sins under a microscope.

In all of this chaos, nobody nurtures the scapegoat. Scapegoats’ endure a horrendous amount of abuse. So much so, they often come out of the narcissistic family with a crushed spirit, and internal wounds so horrendous that they often struggle terribly in their adult life. Once all is said and done, scapegoated children almost always end up playing out the same relationship dynamic they did with their abusive parent, with narcissistic friends and narcissistic partners.

It doesn’t stop there. Once adulthood arrives, scapegoat victims almost always continue to be victimised and blamed for all of the chaos in the narcissistic family unit. More often than not, they end up being victim’s of family mobbing, are forced out of the family, and decide to go ‘No Contact’.

The narcissistic parent teaches the children early on that everything about the scapegoat is wrong, and that they are crazy. The scapegoat’s siblings subconsciously take on this false perception, and look down upon the scapegoat for the same sins they themselves engage in daily. These sins are picked to bits, and are often the presenting reason as to why a narcissistic parent, and a narcissistic golden child often will turn the entire family against the scapegoat in adulthood."

Parenting Exposed has a lot of good articles, and this is one. Allies are very rare for a scapegoat that crawls out wounded from a narcissistic family. I lived this one too. My siblings are so controlled by my mother where her good will and approval comes first above anything else in life. When my brother cussed me out, he was angry because first and foremost, he was angry he had failed in carrying out Mommy's orders. He had never tried to contact me in two and half years.

 It can be scary for a scapegoat who disengages from the parental narcissists, to then turn and face the betrayal of the siblings. I had some memories return about my siblings too. With my brother, my mother used him as a secondary enforcer. My father would hit me but then my brother would threaten it too, and often get away with it. There were times I had to fight back hard, and sometimes I wonder what would have become of me if I had been a person of smaller stature and weaker will.

His threat to come "slap" me was something that happened all the time when I was young. It creeps me out how as a teen I had to fight like a man just to stay alive in my family and was treated like one. The forced masculinization of Meg on Family Guy doesn't surprise me either. That may be one aspect of scapegoating for females, where our femininity is denied.

 My mother's abuse was always backed up by my sister's. They are same. One close friend of mine hearing about my brother's threats said to me, "Your siblings are nuts!" and he is right.

 For a scapegoat being thrown under the bus is the norm. When we go no contact, this is one reason it often ends up being with the entire family. Here too, no one is interested in listening, talking things out or ever daring to see things from the perspective of the scapegoat. Get away from anyone who treats you like this even if you feel like no one will be left. These siblings have been brainwashed and it's impossible for you to bring them out of it. Even after the head narcissist dies, they will be incapable of change.

copying enemies | the after-effects of abuse

New Ways of Living

Freedom opened up for me when I realized I didn't have to "try" so hard anymore and no longer had to try to fit and mold myself into their box. I'm more fully entering the peace stage of no contact where you feel relief and are just living your life the best you can. The happier days grew in number. I am a far happier and more mellow person. Even not so long ago I would have thought this was impossible. Can I still deal with problems like power outages and and health problems sure. but I do try and focus on the aspects of life I enjoy and spend time with people who are kind, and nice, and all these wonderful things. No more scrambling and banging my head on a brick wall of narcissists and mean people. If you get very late into no contact, you do ask yourself, "Why'd I put up with it?" but I don't even blame myself for that, I was trained to live and be a certain way, and the path of freedom can be in realizing life can be different. You have the right and place to say "This ends now" and to step off the "crazy making" carousel. It is time to do what one desires and chooses and make a life of their own choosing. Going no contact can begin a process of foundational changes in one's life and belief system. You are allowed to consider what is possible.