Covid Neuroses

 

I got my Twitter account back via the appeal. They did grant one appeal which was good. I still know it's limits, they may ban every independent thinker soon anyway. I'm avoiding the true believers who will report the heretics and get me banned again. Arguing with them is a waste of time anyhow.

Covid is still making things weird. The level of social awkwardness has been amplified to the max. 

The pain of watching everyone return to normal life is difficult. I'm still scared of catching Covid. Too much knowledge can be a bad thing as I've read warnings about even mild cases of Covid causing bad problems down the road. Now the latest thing seems to be, people have returned to regular life and consider multiple "mild" cases of Covid, the price of doing business. Something about that seems psychotic to me. The details of the long term effects of Covid, married to that, seems like a disaster waiting to happen. People around me, are going to concerts, trips, and have basically abandoned all worries about Covid. I understand, who wants to live like this anymore. I don't. No one wears masks anymore. We are seen as complete weirdos. At least we are left alone, but people see us as crazy. 

 I got two sides angry at me now, obviously the vaxx crowd--for the few that know my status, see me as in the wrong. One vaxxed friend depressingly told me, "Covid is now forever". Vaxxed people who have returned to normal life, wonder why I am still isolating. I fear that "outing me" too. Even the ones who have had Covid three times and have been in the hospital for it, "still trust in their vaxxes and boosters". A few got "mild cases" or PCR tests that were false positives, I don't know. It makes one's head hurt.

The other side that believes it's all a hoax, think I am a betrayer with the masks even though I don't believe in the vaxxes and mandates. Some express frustration with those who are "scared" of Covid. America is kind of a messed up a society. Feelings are being repressed here constantly. You aren't allowed to have any and it's gotten worse.  Admit fear and they will kick you in the face. This is life with narcissists. The sociopaths did this to us in the first place. 

Some guy told me I am neurotic on Reddit for still worrying about Covid and that I need to "move on". That's one thing I get tired of, the whole "don't worry about it" crowd. The rooms burning and we are all supposed to act happy. Remember those "Keep Calm and Carry On" signs? Some people took that stuff to heart. 

Some disabled people are reporting they are scared and feel the pressures of being immuno-compromised and being told they have to return to "normal life." Others have told me, "Nothing can be done, it's everywhere and you have to go live your life anyway". I will admit my OCD and other problems which includes PTSD from gasping for air from too many severe asthma attacks and untreated COPD impacts my decisions.

I still try to figure out the evidence from those who claim the virus is not real, but I think that's just another distraction and IT is REAL at least right now. 

Some of my reading material has influenced my decisions:

Sars2 causes Immune depletion: [so do the vaxxes as well]

Xabier Ostale on Twitter: "Mystery hepatitis, Hand-foot-mouth syndrome, monkey pox, and now Tomato flu. Aside from the hilarious names, there is a constant surge of diseases -- after sars2 infections, btw. Also measles, polio, TB, Crimean-Congo Hemorrhagic Fever, Plague, Mers. And more to come." / Twitter

Biomolecules | Free Full-Text | COVID-19 and the Brain: The Neuropathological Italian Experience on 33 Adult Autopsies (mdpi.com)

Covid-19: Long Term Brain Injury (forbes.com)

Abdul Mannan Baig. (Ph.D.),(MBBS) on Twitter: "Recent Updates: COVID-19 and the Brain: The Neuropathological Italian Experience on 33 Adult Autopsies SARS-CoV-2 was detected in neurons with evidence of axonal damage in the medulla oblongata (see image for functions). Its detection here can be easily correlated with symptoms https://t.co/GntVPviAd7" / Twitter

Welcome to Mengele’s Laboratory - by Harvard2TheBigHouse (substack.com)

The Motherlode - The Good Citizen (substack.com)

Dear Friends, Sorry to Announce a Genocide (substack.com)

Hiroshi Yasuda (保田浩志) on Twitter: "Previously, I envisaged that the modern civilization could collapse by either a nuclear war or a deadly infectious disease. Currently, I presume that the collapse will be caused by the secular decline of cognitive functions of those infected repeatedly with the "mild" viruses." / Twitter

Deagel-Analysis-updated.pdf (ahava528.com)

SARS-CoV-2 Actively Infects And Kills Lymphoid Cells (forbes.com)

Comments on this last article: "Burnt Out Nurse😷 🐨 on Twitter: "@MeetJess So basically we're letting an immune depleting virus run wild so that once infected you're even more susceptible to reinfection and vulnerable to any other infection and likely to develop an autoimmune disease and so on and so on. Yep that's a whole lot of common sense. Carry on" / Twitter

Chris Edward on Twitter: "@Mumontherun01 @pjhn22 @MeetJess Yeah, but the economy! It feels like we're creating our own extinction events and the people in power are more worried about how much money they will make rather then pay attention to what we're doing to our collective gene pools. We're destroying humanity. You cannot eat money." / Twitter

The disasters that are the vaxxes keep building up:

SARS-CoV-2 vaccination can elicit a CD8 T-cell dominant hepatitis - PubMed (nih.gov)

Frontiers | Autoimmune Skin Disease Exacerbations Following COVID-19 Vaccination | Immunology (frontiersin.org)

I suspected right when I read about the vaxxes and KNEW they would worsen my autoimmune diseases. This article concerns dermatomyositis and how it worsened the illness for a sizable percentage who got vaxxed and that's just one disorder I have!

 I could make decision to return back to life despite consequences. I'm still trying to figure things out. They've made it near impossible to make risk assessment decisions right now. Maybe people figure there's nothing to be done and best to just go back to life. Being put in this position with all these health problems pisses me off. There's a lot of public health people who need fired and the failed vaxxes won't solve this either. 

A Problem With Autistic Oversharing

 Women with Autism Oversharing

Some social stuff seems to get difficult. I and my husband got into a conversation, I was talking about my endless social problems and how hard social stuff is for me. He pointed out, I had problems in my old rural town too. It's true, I did. While I have more fond memories there, I was younger and times were different, there were still struggles.

I wonder at times if I try too hard socially. Maybe I need to just let up on it. Some people in my autistic group told me they don't have friends or only pursue things socially with other autistics. That makes sense. 

It's too easy to make too many of the same mistakes over and over. Socially things are difficult because often I'm having to dedicate a lot of brain power just to keep up because of the hearing issues. On Zoom, I'm reading captioning text, and that can take longer to keep up with things then if you hear spoken language.

The other day I was in a women's group and realized with horror after I was done, I had massively overshared. There was the land mine that we were to choose an ancestor to talk about. I chose "The Aunt Who Loved Me", and even though these were positive memories, there was the edge of why I was living with her and WHY I wanted to stay and I said way too much.  At least I was smart enough when I told them she died young and said it was better not to get into the nitty-gritty details. 

Remember I try to keep my past a secret with most. Things seem to ooze out.  I like a lot of people here but more affluent socioeconomic groups are less apt to pour their hearts out, so it seems easier to make major mistakes here. I've talked about moving to more working class and rural areas again, but husband doesn't want to move. He told me, "You've struggled in other places". "You will take autism where ever you go". 

I had the embarrassment of even crying which that sucked. The people there were nice, but later I thought, "you probably just stressed them out". They are going to see my endless pit of problems if I am not careful.  Sometimes I envy people with normal lives who don't have so many "danger zones" to steer clear of. The "family" stuff is a mess I usually avoid. The whole pressure of trying to "appear normal" takes a toll. Later, I asked, "What am I doing? You aren't normal."

Recently, I've studied some stuff about PDA autism, it's a subset of autistics who desire social connection.  It seems to fit me to an extent. To be frank with you, this is a curse, because it's an endless rotation of failed dreams. I do enjoy people don't get me wrong, but everything socially is so messy for me. Years ago I did manage to adjust my expectations and enjoy activities for themselves. That helped a lot.  I enjoyed this discussion. However the pressures sometimes can be difficult. The autistics who are free of so many social desires may have an easier path.  I need to chill out, go to activities on Zoom I still enjoy but be a bit more cautious socially. 

Autistic oversharing is a real deal. The door opens up a crack and it can all come flooding out. That's life when you have to spend so much time masking and "trying to appear as normal as possible". You get a friendly group and you pour your heart out. 

Theramin Tree's Latest

 

This is a good video. Run if a therapist tells you that you are unconsciously seeking abusers. In other words, that's called "blaming the victim". In abuse recovery, you need to learn to discern the abusers and avoid them. Theramin Tree's sounds like he would be a great therapist. I warned about "bad therapy" in this article: "Analyzing Good and Bad Therapy".

Yes shame is an ongoing struggle with the abuse. That's a cloud my abusers threw upon me. There is always this feeling of "never being good enough". I feel it all the time, and it's struggle. I live in a more affluent community where achievement is very important, and well, that's hard to deal with at times.

One's life is centered around hopping over goal posts, they'll never reach because abusers always move them up. One reason traditional Christianity no longer works for me, is the religion especially in fundamentalist form focuses on shame. I love when Theramin Trees brings up "having to grovel to gods and ghosts". My fundamentalist past literally taught us to beg God for forgiveness sometimes it seemed just for existing. My struggles regarding "cruel gods" has continued. I sometimes do ask how can people have faith in something so mean to them? 

 I still fight that little voice that screams the apartment is too messy, you have not "done enough" and I think about the shame unloaded for my body that society has added to. I did learn to shut down a lot of shame, but it's hard, it is a stealer of happiness. I grew up in a total malignant "shaming environment". Nothing was ever good enough. Therapists used to work with me to shut down the "hypercritical" voice of my abusers but that's the worse of what these narcissists and sociopaths do to people, they teach children to shame themselves from the inside who carry that into adulthood. This too is what leaves people who were abused as children to open to predators.  In my case, I got tired of trying to please or "be enough". People definitely treated me better as a result of this.  I do grieve over the lost years with the voices inside of being told I was never "good enough". 

There's times I have felt shame over not fight back more especially when I became an adult. In one comic diary, I drew "budgie" asking "Why didn't I run away?" I didn't utilize my then more robust but about to fail health to get out of Dodge. Sadly that's one thing they program you to do, blame yourself for everything. I talked about my 9 years of no contact but when you are gone that long, you can see from a new vantage what was done. The darkness of what was done to me was made evident like the fact my mother refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. One thing I started to think was analyzing other people's choices. I was not responsible for what they chose to do. That was a place of freedom as well, it was not my fault. Just like the guy in the video who got jumped by attackers he fought off successfully.

I found the section about "responsibility for everything bad that happened" to be interesting. That's one place where my abusers almost seemed to expect omnipotence. I was told "There's no such thing as an accident" which basically was telling back then a mere child, "You are not allowed to make mistakes". As I grew older I was able to see what twisted individuals they truly were. They never took responsibility for anything. Pawel's experiences were like my own. I was told I was "bad luck" and "cursed". Even with so many bad health things, they seriously blamed me all the time for getting sick.

I like the part where Theramin Trees talks about how shame based individuals are trained to defer judgments to others. That's a major problem. I got stuck in that mode. Autism complicated this because of the forced masking to survive.  "Is it okay to think this?", "Is it okay to feel this?" This is one place where extreme religion led me down the wrong road and I got involved with that deliverance minister. 

One commenter on this video [Skyewint] said something interesting about the neurodivergent [people with autism etc]

"While I am aware this is not something you explicitly address, I wanted to mention it.

This is the reason why so many people with neurodevelopmental conditions end up having many other mental illnesses. They (or "we", since I am speaking as one of these people) are CONSTANTLY showered with criticism and/or derogatory statements towards us and people who act like us. We hear consistently how awful we are at socializing (since our difference makes it harder to relate to others), or how rude it is not to look at people in the eyes (for autistic people in particular, like me), how we should stop fidgeting (when this is near-impossible to stop for many people with these conditions), or stop counting, or "act normal", etc.

This consistent treatment wears us down and frequently results in intense internal shame, especially if we don't grow up knowing that we have a named condition. Parents reject diagnostic labels much of the time even when children are diagnosed, so their children "are not restrained by a label". But, rather than having the label of a clinical condition, we get labelled as "weird", "wrong", or "broken". It's incredibly unsurprising that this constant treatment of cruelty results in mental illness such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, dissociation, etc.

For anyone else reading this who is neurodivergent - you're damn strong to still be here and your difference, regardless of how disabling it is, does not make you "broken".

This is very true. The internalized shame can be even stronger in people with autism if they have a rejecting and abusive family. I've been in enough Autism groups to see the difference for the autistics who have loving parents and those who see them as "broken" and "defective". I got called "weird" and told to act more normal. I've written about a moment that haunted me for years where I was down in the basement with my father, home from college for a summer, and he told me "I hate your personality" Who does that? This is a place where the endless shame for not conforming can cause years of pain. 

You start looking to other people as for answers on how to fix your life. That opens the door wide to abuse. Later I would ask myself, "What did I really want?" There's things about life I want to change now, but I think of the few years I got when I was doing what I really wanted to do even with limitations of health and money. I never wanted to be a business woman or someone in the suburbs with the perfect house. When one is invalidated to such a deep level even developing a self-trust takes time. "Become our own Socratic questioner". He's right this will allow you to stand against the group. The development of this took me not only out of a toxic family but a toxic religion as well. 

This is a really good question, "Do people who provoke raw survival instincts deserve any place in your life?" The answer is No. I don't blame myself for the feelings of fear I had around my monsters. I knew the book "The Gift of Fear" would have told me to run fast. 

The section in public shaming was interesting too. I realized as I walked out the door, the family was more invested in their appearances than the truth. Even the cousins quelled all responsibility and tried to project their emotions onto others. Their character flaws were glaring to me, after a lifetime of being told what was wrong with me, I came to see their immense failures and shallow values. After my recovery, turning the tables was a technique, I used. It was a way I could shut down people who focused on criticizing me. In years past I would grovel, "Please like me" but I realized how much hypocrisy was out there, especially when people demanded expectations they themselves did not meet.

It occurred to me that "lack of empathy" wasn't just for one or two narcissists in the family but went through the family like a poison. I heard nonsense about "unbreakable bonds", one aunt who blew me off would go on about how "strong" and "close" the family was. That was ironic to me. I took a "long hard cold look" at mine too. My family sadly operated as a faceless mob. I can say with ease that I did try to talk to individuals one on one before my last departure.

This was a good video. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it's better not to have them in your life. 

Stuff I've Been Working on and Doing...

 

                                 a snippet of a painting...

There is an art show for me scheduled for next year at this time. This means I have to make more art, but I was told I have enough too.  I painted three paintings of flowers. Maybe I will show them later. Sometimes I have to be careful with the art to avoid doxxing myself especially if I show it publically. The picture above is a "part of a painting".

Locally I joined this other art group via Zoom, and enjoy those contacts. That's some of the stuff I wish I could be doing in person.

I have been doing book illustrations for a local author, I completed two. I am working on a third. Remember when I talked about changing comics on the computer some time ago? Well this is what I do with the illustrations, I scan them and change them on the computer. I have stuck with a simple program but it worked.  These are self published books. It's been fun.

One thing I did was join a Zoom Asperger's group. I facilitated two groups in the last two weeks but usually I am just a participant. The group was younger but now there's a few older people who have joined in and those around my age. I am glad to have the Elder Aspie representation. This reminds me I signed up for some seminar online where I am supposed to talk about being autistic. It's good thing I wrote this because now I remember.  

I have been involved in a writing group on Zoom. Some members have told me they think some of my poems are publishable. I enjoy hearing their writing and talking to them about writing. I'm reading this one lady's book of poems, I really like and plan to write her about them.

I've been reading and studying Gnosticism. I am not a Gnostic, more undecided.  but I found things about the Cathers and other groups interesting.  Some may wonder why does she keep using "Demiurge" in blog posts? There's a lot of religious history to be learned. I know I have a lot of weird interest in conspiracy and some of the Gnostic stuff is applicable to that. 

My involvement with my UU has continued although not in person. I miss them. I plan to see a few people one on one I hope soon.

Oh, I still working on the Fat Pat book, a revamp of my Peep comics, this time it includes writing. I have been redoing the art and adding more. It's at the 180 page mark now. My husband took one look at it and says "It is looking more like a real book". Remember the Peep fiction articles? This book has both comics and writing. I decided to make it humorous. It has insights to round out the story. It is fiction but inspired by my own experiences.  I am SLOOOOWWW on projects, but remember I have CFS so do what I can. I do plan to get it done eventually. Fat Pat faces down bullies and "fights the world". 

Nine Years of No Contact

9 years the end of June... 

 Mother's Day still sucks. 

 I had to walk from the entire family as many long time readers know. The last of the cousins was around 4 years ago? It's hard to remember.

BTW I still get hoovered. Even now. Some people never change. Some narcissists probably life long will "test boundaries" hoping you have a weak spot or a day of woeful nostalgia That's hard for me because outside of "getting a few things or nice trips", I don't have memories of hugs or nice moments.  The siblings were somewhat fun as children but that changed.

Nothing was resolved. Don't hold out for that dream that your family will "wake up" or you will get allies. In the beginning I had these dreams, that some allies "may come around". Some main narcissists would choose a new scapegoat and the new scapegoat's eyes would open. Forget about it. I still wouldn't let them in the door anyway.

I'm a stranger now anyhow. I've been gone a long time. Seriously after 9 years they would not recognize me in the street, my looks radically changed.  I looked pretty youthful through my 40s, but that's over with now. There's kids who were still at home with Mom and Dad, who are now in their first jobs and out of the house.

Life got better until Covid came. I was seeing it blossom. I do wonder how good things would have gotten. It was on the way if that makes sense. My health of course was always a problem.

Don't be me and wait until your 40s to get out. Get out as young as possible. Don't waste time people pleasing, people will abuse you more. I've been able to find nice people but just as the tide was turning Covid cracked everything down. 

 I'm being punished now by sociopaths and narcissists, their names are Bill Gates, and too many politicians. It's weird how I warned the boomers may burn down this world before they shuffle off this mortal coil. Maybe there's a 100 year cycle on crappy generations. Not every boomer is bad, but have you noticed we have this 100 year cycle of the worse? There were a bunch of revolutions even in the 1790s-1820s. The Fourth Turning people probably based their theories on this. 

I suspect during other times of revolutions, wars and social distress, there's been other people escaping crappy families but it's a bad combination to face isn't it? You feel alone as the world burns down, but if we were around them, they would just stress us out more. My family was of the system, and I would lay down money that all of them lined up for the vaxxes and believe Fauci. Maybe the cousin who married a homeschooled religious girl was talked out of it, but whose to know?

 My siblings and cousins became horrible people. Sometimes you think of them young and remember some life and vitality and think "What happened?". That's not to say I didn't get old and grumpier but at least I kept some passion in life and desire for truth.

 You do deal with loss even as you grow old, because you see other people with their families even people older then you hanging out with nephews, nieces, grandchildren etc. It's weird to me how I know these 60-80 years olds and they tell me things like, "my nephew came to visit", or "my sisters and I bought a house together".  I have one local friend who helps to take care of a severely sick sister. You see the connections that were lost long ago.

It can be hard to deal with the outside world wondering why you have no family. To spare myself pain, I told most they died off, some did. It is a decision I would make again and have no regrets for it. This changed my later years of no contact for the better. This was the cardinal mistake I made in the early years and yes, I got a lot of predators who came out to play. There's some people even friends of 4-5 years I never told. Some people don't have the capacity to understand. It's better they never faced this. They came from loving families that cared about them.

 However as I got older and wiser, I realized the immensity of what was lost to be in a family that did not value me, to be around sociopathic/narcissistic abusers, the invalidation and more. You do see a big gaping hole. The hole was there long before I walked. Over the years, I thought of those times when no one was there for me, there was one moment in college, another time when I hit severe poverty before I knew my husband. There never was the feeling, "Those people are my kin and they will help me, they care". There was only fear, rejection and harm. I think while knowing the truth is painful, it's better then living in the delusion of supposedly "having a family". You don't except the one you have with a spouse, partner, your own children or found friends.

Strange memories did arise over the years. I suppressed A LOT. There can be a lot of layers to the onion. I do think because of the autism and my extreme obesity/stage 4 Lipedema, the abuse went in deeper. The outside world wasn't the saving grace it can be to many. I would find community and kind people, but the having no family thing, made the endless losses even harder. This is one reason I am not coping well with Covid. 

Those who were able to have a family of their own probably can "heal" more as an ACON especially if they break the cycle for new generations. However for some of us who got too damaged physically and mentally by our abuse, one price of that is often you can end up childless. Of course many due to the bad example given by their parents or other choices and focuses in life choose to be child free. 

You miss the people who were never there. I was spared a lot of BS being gone. Yes they still hoover me but they never change and it is the same crap over and over. They will never apologize or wake up or be like a regular human with a heart and conscience. Engrave that in your soul, because otherwise you'll waste a lot of years. I became a different personality, I don't take crap from anyone now and avoid abusers. I do think of the people who should be there but aren't. They really don't exist. 

I got to the point where I wouldn't think of them for days unless a recent hoover happened. Mother's Day kind of sucks because it revives things. It does bring the "bad stuff" back to my mind for a little bit every year. They became "those people I used to have to deal with", "ghosts of the past". Honestly they are all a mystery to me now. Kids with 9 years added to them aren't even the same people anymore. I'm not the same person. They would not recognize who I am now either. They never really knew me anyhow. 

No contact was a good decision. I do not regret it. There are some prices that come with it, but that is true of everything. Life is far better not being abused. I just feel sadness that years I could be having now in freedom have been affected by Covid. It seems just so unfair. 

The Never Ending Pandemic and New Covid Links

Is anyone else questioning the lack of hope of this pandemic ever ending? Do you ever think this is going to be life for good? I don't want my last years destroyed. Are we on the slow march to sudden collapse or will we ever have lives again? 

I've never heard of a never ending virus. Covid, the Virus that can do anything and everything. God has left the building or the Demiurge is enjoying the despair and turmoil. Revelation warned of plagues but should have been more specific in the pharmakia warnings. "In the future, the world will become a plague ridden mess". At least the black death had a solution even if they didn't know what it was yet. My husband told me to quit reading so much heavy science and stuff online. Some guy on Twitter was talking about complete mammalian extinction from Covid. LOL Is this world so absurd one jerk in a lab could  pull that off? The hoax people are more mentally healthy. 

Maybe I need to just ignore Covid and accept the end is here and try to enjoy what I can. I do put myself on Covid cancellation days. I have noticed that some people won't talk about it. I've gone more quiet in real life. It's just easier. A friend told me he was diagnosed with asymptomatic Covid, and I thought that PCR test is false but just kept my mouth shut. 

Things are so insane, I am thinking at this point, I just need to go "no contact" with the insanity. You know kind of like there's an extreme borderline and narcissistic person in the room, who is lying and scaring the shit out of you ever second? Time to vamoose. I refuse to watch all news anymore. I'm done. I still see stuff on Twitter but all of it is nonsense. 

At least those who believe it is a hoax feel they can safely live their lives, while the rest of us are stuck in this muddy middle knowing the vaxxes have failed, and they lie about so much. A friend on Facebook who lives in another state said her whole family got Covid. I also heard recently about a group of people getting it locally. I asked if the symptoms were worse then flus and colds, worrying about the PCRs deceiving and they said they were. I still wonder why the vaxxed don't get pissed off or write, "My vaxx failed" as they enter the hospital. Their lack of anger is weird to me.  

 Haven't the 1 percent already made enough money already and collapsed enough of the economy to serve their interests and taken enough civil rights/and free speech away yet? Maybe they can't fix it, and because they don't want the public to panic. 

Is this CONTROLLED DEMOLITION, and Bill Gates and the Great Reset people have it all planned out? Or is this a bioengineered weapon screw up, they have lost control of? These are questions I ask myself.

Do any of us really know what is going on? It's not like they are going to tell us. Trying to figure out the truth here has been banging my head on the wall. 

I still think the vaxxes suck. I haven't seen much evidence they even work. Just too many sick people and side effects. That's about the only thing I am decided on.

The other day I got some Quercetin and NAC in case I catch "it". Follow any protoccols with discretion, I am not a doctor or here to give medical advice. I still have to make sure none of my medications contradict with this stuff. I have been taking Vit C and Zinc whenever I go out. The grocery store is kind of making me afraid. Around here delivery sucks, and I haven't been able to replace actually going to the grocery store. I buy usually 2 weeks of food at a time to cut visits there.

We go at less busy times, but none of these people care, they'll walk right on top of you, I envy them their lack of worry. However people still don't smile here, everyone looks like the walking dead. Maybe they all have Stockholm syndrome and PTSD. Everyone seems to march with an air of doom.

I read dire warnings too much that Covid even for mild case brings later consequences and some claim is going to be for all. I won't post this here but I read something about Lewy Bodies and Macaque monkeys on Pubmed.  The people who think Mommy and Daddy Science, Medicine and Government have it all in hand, probably are happier people too.

Today I watched too many without masks at the grocery store, thinking "What is different about you people where you don't care if you get it?" Are any of them afraid? Maybe they are all convinced hoax people are correct or all trust in their vaxxes too much? There's this one old guy at the grocery store, at least 65, who never wears a masks and we know of one guy who died of Covid who was working there. How does this guy see hundreds of people a day and just don't care? Does he have fortitude or has he given up caring? I don't know these people enough to ask, "How did you become convinced it was a hoax?" 

Then I was on a health board, for people with serious health problems. [most there, have rheum/lung disorders, my kind of stuff though not Lipedema/severe obesity.] On this board, I had several people tell me, they have not left their homes in 2.5 years. They got everything delivered. Some of them were terrified. One lady said she got it anyway hiding out. Most of this crowd were fully vaxxed and boosted 

I hope they have big houses because the first thing I thought was "How do you walk anymore?" Wouldn't a person lose the ability to walk more then a few feet if you don't even get to visit the prison yard. Some said they did medical appointments, but that was it. The Flowers in the Attic children all got pale, sickly and weak from lack of exercise, and Vit D. I probably would die within months if I never went outside. My mobility sucks now but that would have destroyed it for good.

Some people made the decision it's over for them and damn the consequences. I can't blame them. 

If they did turn a "cold" into a roulette clot-maker and lung destroyer for real, I consider humanity screwed. They destroyed our lives and freedom, safety and happiness in assembling maybe for good. They ruined our futures. Leave it to the snakes in charge to have invented a "never ending pandemic".

Why isn't anyone else angry? Or is the Stockholm Syndrome so strong, people don't dare to be? Am I weird to be angry inside? 

These monsters may have added another chronic condition to our lives except this time it can kill you and is as wide spread as colds and flus. I've been reading even mild cases can bring bad results.  

Ok here's some new Covid links:

https://www.jessicasuniverse.com/

Most Americans Don't Want Those Shots

IVM study [my position on IVM is "undecided"]

https://www.thegms.co/medical-ethics/medethics-rw-22021403.pdf This article goes into problems with doctor/patient relationships, informed consent, as it relates to vaxxes and more. Corruption in medicine and the break down of patient doctor relationships have made all of this possible.

Covid Vaccines as the Aschen Agenda This article is quite comprehensive, goes into multi-facets of all this, the extreme censorship and more. It is one of the best I have seen.

https://igorchudov.substack.com/p/sars-cov-2-kills-t-cells-just-like?s=r

https://www.walgreens.com/businesssolutions/covid-19-index.jsp

Check out page 2:

Notice something? 

https://dailysceptic.org/2022/04/30/stillbirths-and-infant-deaths-double-in-iceland-in-2021-raising-questions-of-vaccine-safety/

https://rumble.com/v12x3dd-dr.-wolf-covid-vaccines-and-pregnancy.html

The myriad of severe side effects from spike proteins [vaxx and virus]:

https://wmcresearch.substack.com/p/amyloidosis-as-etiology-of-severe?s=r

Vaxxes made no difference to the disabled:

https://nakedemperor.substack.com/p/vaccines-made-no-difference-to-covid?s=r

This one is heavy on hard science terms, but if you understand how they formed this virus, your outrage will grow. 

https://ashmedai.substack.com/p/gain-of-function-smashing-success?s=r

Endless charts to prove things, especially the failure of the vaxxes:

https://metatron.substack.com/p/covid-requiem-aeternam?s=r

There's Been No Real Progress in Medical Science for a Long Time...

 Obesity? Unless you got an eating disorder, and can return to normal hunger based eating-not eating at night, eat only at meal time, etc, they don't do jack squat for you. Some change in bad habits like eating desserts or french fries, can take a little off normal people but woe to you genetic and other cases. Some take the roulette wheel of weight loss surgery, with all it's complications.

I've never seen a super-sized person become thin permanently. The successes took off maybe a chunk of weight, but that's it. I sometimes forget I still got 200 off from the peak. Anyway medical science has FAILED with OBESITY to the MAX. Their advice if anything is harmful and insidious.  Even when I went to the gym pre-Covid I lost only very little. Doctors ignore hunger problems and metabolism. There's supposedly new drugs out but finding information on them seems difficult. Most food out there is crap. I spend way too much to buy all this tofu, vegetables and more to stay alive. 

Cancer? I would put the odds at 75% for dying of cancer. There's a few survivors who have decent medical resources, insurance and the rest who do okay. However I know so many people who died young of cancer.  Several were only in their 40s and 50s. Even 50 years later, we still see cancer as a would be death sentence and for many people it is.

Lipedema? Unless it's caught early and you can control it, there's no cure. Some wealthy women can get a special liposuction to suck off the extra fat and deposits in their legs but at stage 4, this isn't possible. I also know some who got it done in high stages and it progressed anyway. Leg machines and wrapping can help you keep from getting bigger but that amounts to shrinking down the bloating from the day down to the base line every night. I can watch myself grow. I think some are in shock at how I swing my stomach around, a doctor wanted to look under it. It's fluid not fat. LOL

Heart Problems? Most of us still take the "same water pills" that were around in the 1980s. There may be new procedures for stents--I've never had one or for heart attacks, but it's not miracle land either. They may tell you it is, but it's not. 

40 years ago people with heart failure took Lasix. We still do. 

40 years ago, if you lost your hearing from Meniere's some could take prednisone to arrest the loss. It doesn't work for all cases.

40 years ago, the answers was Planequil for lupus or lupus related conditions. I decided to hold off for now because I am almost completely deaf and Planequil taken long term can affect the eyes. The doctors understand although they do not agree with it. The pain and fatigue from UCTD are affecting me it sucks. If I go into full lupus, I would have to take it. My father had major eye problems, he was not deaf from Planequil, and used to say to me, "Never go on this drug!"

Predisone won't work in case for ears, complicated reasons due to other medical problems.

There is no cure for multiple other conditions I am going to leave unnamed.

My experiences with doctors is often a shrug of the shoulders. One could feel the words "LOST CAUSE" flashing across their brains. This got worse the older I got. The whole aroma of shame and blame never lets up. Why won't this fat woman just lose weight?

 I don't know if I can blame them, they are attempting their best but why do they tell me things like if "We don't need to find out which genetic disease is causing your high uric acid, the treatment is the same" and today I heard since I seem to be manning up more with a beard and mustache, "Well if I find out your testosterone is high, I am not sure what to do with that information." 

The specialists all deal with their particular piece and seem ever mindful of things that leave that special area.. Do I  have to go see an endocrinologist just to get that tested? I always thought some would take interest because I am such a weird case. This doctor asked today too, "What's that on your neck?" "Oh my giant psorasis patch!"

However one thing I am noticing for all the wonderous claimed progress of the medical system, there really hasn't been any. Oh yeah we are supposed to think mRNA is a wonderful invention but look around it's absolute crap. Quality control is in the toilet. Remember I wrote about a book called, "The Great Stagnation?" Maybe the great stagnation has affected medicine.

Problems I had in my 50s, are still dealt with the SAME limited medicines that were available in my 20s. Sure there's a few new medicines, I think one lung medicine is and they did invent some long lasting insulin, but I'm noticing there's all these unaddressed problems. 

I have noticed how nothing is ever cured. Did the doctors keep me alive from some things? Sure. The medical system however is very primitive, the claimed "advancements" seems to be a smoke screen. Doctor McCoy of the Star Trek Enterprise would be offended at the failures in medicine that are now widespread.

Now one thing I think about is how they poured billions into clot shots that don't even work, and wasted money on this released virus debacle and endless mess, and financed those gain of function labs, and here we are with multiple conditions that only have medicines from 40 years ago. Ponder for a time what if these billions have been poured into new drug research for conditions that already exist instead of monsters in gain of function labs trying to destroy our lives?

I do ponder trying to return to the naturopath world, and I have used drawing salve, vitamins, herbs and other things to stay alive. I got out my book on Nutritional Healing, I've owned since 1990 to deal with life. Money has always been an issue since you have to pay up front in the naturopath world. Some alternative medicine remedies I have used did not work. I think trust in medicine is way too high. The world was affected by too many shows where they'd show doctors performing all these miracles. The miracles are shorter in supply in real life.

I'm not sure what to do right now with my body or health. I spend hours a day on stuff related to "staying alive". I do need less stress, more movement, more "happy" things. The fatigue is worrying me. This lady on Facebook told me to look for a "functional medicine" doctor.