Unsollicited lifestyle advice is harmful
I wanted to share this one. I am having to psychologically break away from the Mrs. Fix-It's of the world. I got them healthwise but also psychological wise. Anything to fix "broken" me. If someone seems me now as being stuck in the land of "broken toys" and they want to be my savior, they can get out. Don't waste my time. I want real friends, not project ones. Disabled people of all sorts have to be careful of this.
This goes along with the health theme I wrote about yesterday, where the healthy are judged as having "done something wrong". Many people today believe if you eat perfectly or live a "perfect lifestyle" [they don't care if you can afford it or not] that you will be healthy and you will heal. For someone like me who has stayed alive for 19 years since being disabled, this stuff has added up. False promises galore.
Many severe stage Lipedema women suffer horribly because we have a disease that manifests itself as severe obesity and the world judges accordingly. We are told if we eat Paleo, or go to the gym for hours a day or if we "eat right", we will get a body like everyone else and it's a complete lie. The Lipedema world is not free from the diet saviors who come and lecture their CICO* daydreams at us.
"The truth is that we are the new smokers. Society thinks it’s okay to lecture us out of the blue. We not only deal with lipedema, but also with the ruling false assumption that body weight is all about calories in and calories out. It makes us automatically to blame for excess body fat, hence the mandatory guilt trip. It’s an unfair assessment which is unhelpful at best for those who are struggling to accept the way they look. By projecting their own (temporary?) excitement over a particular work out regime or diet they are much like a bull in a china shop, doing more damage than good. Maybe they mean well, but I will never be the one to drop 2-3 pounds a weeks, let alone several weeks in a row. Insisting they know a way around that is insulting. It implies I haven’t tried hard enough. And the saddest part? In their efforts to impose certain lifestyle choices I mostly recognize their own obsessions and frustrations regarding their body image being projected on me. Or a chance to shine with assumed moral superiority, which frankly is despicable.
It’s not only annoying. Much of the advice I get is plain wrong for me and anything but medically sound. It’s unbelievable that people are able to think they’re qualified to give lifestyle advice to a chronic patient, regardless the condition, based on something they read in a glossy magazine or seen on a sponsored TV show. If our doctors did that, there would be consequences for sure!The insensitivity when it comes to the fat is mind blowing. So many people with lipedema (or obesity) suffer from depression, low self-esteem, a negative self-image and/or eating disorders. Yet, we are confirmed in our feelings: they’re labelled ‘appropriate’ for our current state and are meant to encourage us into a healthier lifestyle. By sending the message the plus-sized are not worthy is plain cruel. Change is not always on the table. Sometimes because of an underlying medical condition, sometimes because someone simply isn’t ready to take on the challenge and sometimes – tada – because they’re happy just the way they are. "
She sums it up well. I wonder too about the toll on us psychologically where we are put under these moral judgments for years and years and found wanting. It does take a toll and it's not good for the health they all claim to care about either!
*CICO [Calories In Calories Out]
Fybromyalgia and lyme patients get lectures too. The worst being exercise is good for you. It will make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI am in far more pain after I exercise and my joints go into lockup. Not to mention the fatigue.
I ate no sugar ,drank no coffee, exercised regularly ,meditated, did yoga, ate whole foods, AND I STILL GOT REALLY CHRONICALLY ILL. There are no safeguards or assurances. A really good doctor who cares might help. Eating right might better your chances,but you can do everything right and still get ill. I am a living testament.
And I've done the paleo diet. In the end I ended up sick again..It was only a short term improvement...
What most people need is more empathy. So many people suffer from a different disease. Coldness, indifference, and feeling superior to others.
Good article!
Sorry to hear fibro and lyme patients get it too. Seriously I had to wake up realizing that thin and average weight disabled people were getting the same junk too, where they were told do all this and you will have a good body. Yes good doctors help and better diets, take the edge off but they do not FIX ENTIRE PROBLEMS. Sorry you got ill too. Paleo not everyone can do, it's the kidney stone diet to me, but yes people try so many things. For a time I thought the naturopaths and alternative medicine may even show me a way out. It didn't. Yes sick people need more empathy, and not to be treated like they are "lessers" and to be treated like human beings. Thanks for your post.
DeleteI can't afford naturopaths and alternative medicine. Plus they are not a sure thing either and I'm sick of spending all my money on healthcare that doesn't do anything or very little..
ReplyDeleteI think of all the money I have put into the system from being ill. The house I could own, the money could have been used for travel, better cars. Instead just sucked away by the health industry..
I couldn't afford them either so studied herbal and source books on my own. In my old town, I remember asking a friend who worked for a naturopath to ask her to if she would take reduced rates or would help me. I was very sick and feared dying remember. She refused. So I understand. I spent 25 dollars for a consultation with one, it didn't go anywhere. All health care does is ameliate my symptoms, nothing was cured. I have to take horse pills [yes the medication works and is good] to even keep away those dangerous kidney stones of 2013. I think of the money I lost too. Being disabled is expensive, and while some crow about the money we cost, we are living at bare substience level. I am frustrated that everytime I am on cheaper food, my sugars creep up too. I hope you feel better soon. I wish they cured more things rather then maintained them.
DeleteThank-you. I hope you feel better soon also. I seem to be on a downturn for the past year.I'm getting older so I'm thinking it's going to be a struggle, I am trying to heal more spiritually and psychologically.
ReplyDeleteI was in therapy for so long but the best thing that helped me were the websites about Nar mothers and being the scapegoat child..It was free and it was a God send.
The Pain will get better for you. It's not linear. It will come and go, but it gets less. Going no contact works best for me as my family totally destabilizes me.
I understand how you said it was the hardest with your brother. Me too. I think it was because we were close as little kids as you had said. Plus mine was younger so I had to get over thinking of him as my little brother. He is a grown man and has to make his own choices now about how to treat people and behave..But there is still a thread there for me..Tiny as it is..
Sorry to get off subject.
Thanks, sorry you are on a downturn. I know the ACON websites helped me far beyond therapy which always told me to "reconcile" but more therapists need education on these personality disorders and how they operate in the real world. Not just theory either. It was great for me to find the blogs too I read years ago. Thanks for saying the pain will get better. I figure when enough time passes it will fade away. It is not as acute as when I first went NC. I think of this person who told me I ruminated too much but wonder how much grief if she was in my place and had no more family. Abusers are not real family and never were. Yes with my brother it was hardest, I am VLC but he is still owned and controlled by my mother. We were closer when young and only a year apart. I wish he cared about me as much as he cared about pleasing her but he is programmed and in denial and was taught to treat me a certain way by the family system. Sadly we are strangers now I had to really face this as I have not seen him now in almost 6-7 years. I am sorry you are going through things with your own brother. Understand the tiny thread thing. One thing I struggle with is asking myself is "why don't they care too"? The people in my family are strange no feelings of time passing or lost, like no emotions there. With him he has some humanity the cold ice queens lack probably the only reason I have kept it VLC and didn't go full NC like with so many others.
DeleteI think what happened for me that really helped me was seeing my mother scapegoat my other sister.She was not scapegoated till recently. I realized that after I stood up to my mother for the first time and called her merciless(because she can be),and went no contact, she then had to find a new scapegoat. I think then I really saw who she was and how it wasn't about me and who I was, but about her and who she was..That helped me so much. Of course I still felt pain around the holidays,but it eased as soon as they were over. And I still have small feelings of anger at my other sister who is a golden child and a narc..But they are less..I even feel less attachment to my brother. I try to focus on my life and not compare myself to them. I think I secretly thought they were somehow better than me. But I really realized they weren't.Even with all my flaws and problems.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if that helps; but the fact that you have a loving relationship with your husband says a lot about you.And that you have friends. And you are a good blogger, which is not easy. Especially being ill.
Was your sister scapegoated at all before? I am curious, they always say they will find a new scapegoat. I don't think my sister will be in my case. Did your sister break out of the fog and away from the system. I think its good you tried to focus on your life. Thanks for your other encouraging words.:)
DeleteMY family is complicated. I think my mother has actually scapegoated each one of us at some point including my father.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and father had an antagonistic relationship ,but she was not hi scapegoat. I'm not sure I would call her my mother's scapegoat. She and my other sister often got together with my mother and left me out. Even when I was a child.. So I would say she is a new scapegoat. But she is narcissistic so she could suck up and go running back to the fold. But I will never know because I plan to keep no contact.
My other sister will never be the scapegoat. She is the Golden child for life..Probably the same as your sister. But take heart. You will overcome!