Friday, August 2, 2013

Can One Still Smile in The Supersizes?

[cite for photo]
Sometimes I don't know what to do. One can't even enjoy a healthy meal when one is this fat thinking, "Why am I eating at all?" The other day I got angry thinking what kind of set up is this?, that I feel such intense hunger pain, why can't the stupid body just use the fat up that is already on it. My weight loss efforts are failing so badly, I consider eating disorders like bulimia--not to throw up a mountain of food but just a basic dinner and trying to skip meals, and well have failed at both. Making healthy salads, nothing happens. Eating all lean meats, nothing happens. Snacking on fruits and vegetables-nothing. Some say give up all bread and carbs, tried that it just made my sugar sky rocket, some say eat only veggies and fruit, some say try this diet, try this one. All the fancy food costs a lot though over the last few years I learned to cut more of the processed out and obtain fruits and vegetables from stands. My diet is not that bad. This morning I will eat a bowl of organic low sugar cereal with almond milk, a salad or turkey sandwich with cup of tomato soup for lunch, a casserole made with veggies, and quinoa tortillas and a little bit of vegan cheese for dinner. Why has this happened to me?

I can see why the size acceptance minions, "give up" because trying to chase the weight loss dragon, does make you depressed and hate yourself.  It's not happening here. It's a joke. I am always hungry, pushing meals back to lower calories for the day. The hunger pains are nuts. Seriously. Satiety issues to the max. Not psychological stuff.  Remember I know even normal amounts of food can make me FATTER.  There is NO regular pizza, fried chicken, pork chops in my world. I'm like one of those women at size 0 not wanting to be a size 3. Don't end up 600lbs instead of 500lbs! I want to ignore it. What do thin people eat?

The body like that fat kid on Simpsons goes HA HA HA, as it turns your dreams to toast. Everyone assumes a level of control that is not there. At this age, I am deemed a "failure" for not losing weight. I don't know what I weigh now, it could be the high 400s or low 500s. I do know the water weight has gone crazy, I'm off a heart and hormone drug to dissolve a giant kidney stone with another drug and avoid life threatening kidney surgery. I can still breathe and have taken extra water pills, so I'm hanging in there but as the body bloats it feels like it is telling me to screw off.

So much pressure, always feeling like every domino is going to collapse. So many pills to take, so many health problems to manage. I am approaching nursing home levels of care and can tell my efforts to keep myself alive have surpassed what I had to do even as a short time nursing aide for other disabled people when I was young. So much life lost. This is worse then terminal cancer, hate to say it but it is. Some people may beg to differ but at least if you have cancer, you don't wake up everyday feeling the self blame and the cloud of judgment. I feel like I am dying lately, of course I have felt like I was dying since the age of 29, and the weight gain hit it's peak. Maybe my crazy hormones are making me melodramatic, but I have a lot on my plate.

The Spirolactadone that held back the androgens and testosterone, I'm feeling those affects,sometimes having to take two showers a day, I am so greasy and oily, starting to look mannish again. Weepy at the drop of a hat, like I have perpetual PMS though I have not had but one period this entire year.

The other day I went to a festival, you know one with organic farm food and flea market stuff, a thin person would have considered that an easy jaunt across a very large parking lot but for me it was a long walk, I traversed it three times, hanging out there with husband, using my walker, getting the gloried "exercise". It was fun, and I did alright at the time. What happened but that I bloated up like crazy, and ended up in bed. The pain in legs was horrible. I have noticed this very bad development with exercise. I plan to go out today which will include some walking, I want to be alive and live life you know when I can--the weather is great this week, but will be punished and know it ahead of time.

I am in pain all the time, having to smile bravely, fight so my left leg doesn't rot off, my neck feels like it is crumbling and cracks every minute--some of that osteoporosis they warned me about, my hands go numb now even trying to type. I have thrush again from my steroid inhaler. My hair is thinning against massively, it has not grown in 8 years! The stupid body never has worked right. They just did a heart test on me that I am worried about.

How does one stay happy among all this? The false dreams of weight loss have hovered over my head. Even to have managed 400 or 300lbs would have been miraculous in opposition body I got saddled with. I know 300 and 400lb people who can still have lives though there are difficulties.
Maybe some would tell me to cool it, you still have a life though there are big challenges. One thing I try to tell myself and this may sound nutty, is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WORSE OFF THEN YOU, and to me that means, there are probably at least 5,000 severely fat people in bed who can't get out of there in America.

I wanted answers so so long and only got some though the doctors I have admit the metabolic problems. If I don't eat at all, trust me I tried that too, I get sick. I just wanted a happy life and to be able to do things. Normal people with their normal bodies live in another existence. Their thin bodies that work right don't even look like mine.

What gets me is the people who think this is all a choice, do A, B and C, and supposed RESULTS are supposed to follow. I get a parade of those jerks who comment on here, who try to claim that I want to be 500lbs. That I am "lazy", "irresponsible", and that I have gotten my just desserts. Add in a family that rejected me for being overweight and told me basically I was scum before I got the guts to walk away from them, and this is not a good picture for someone psychologically.

Yes in America, supposedly we all have choices and are responsible for everything that happens. This body is supposedly wholly my fault, you know the one, I had to fight to stay alive from and get myself down from 700lbs. I was at support group for fat women and broke out crying yesterday, I said, "I just do not know what to do anymore, I am tired" They were supportive and hugged me, they are very nice women. One thing they said to me is, "you are a very beautiful woman".  That was nice to hear. It made me wonder how do people see me, because they seemed emphatic about this and not just telling me something to cheer me up.  They have good ideas like getting chamomile tea to relax.

But what should I do? Is there a hospital I could check myself in? I looked for one but everything was nursing homes, where you have to be not able to walk and in even worse condition [God help those people!] and my main perogative in life is to STAY OUT OF THE NURSING HOME.

Explore genetic counseling? Yes I am considering other problems, my  physical hunger levels and metabolism are so crazy. There are spas for the wealthy to go into to lose weight. I am eating normal meals, so the addiction crowd isn't going to do much for me. I ate last night for dinner and haven't eaten yet today. My stomach is growling even as I write this. I plan all meals ahead of time of what I am going to eat for the day. I've had to do this for years. Something has been so wrong and is wrong. I found some of the answers, but I am tired. I am tired of suffering. [yes I know cry, sniffle, whine, wah! etc] Tired of trying to figure it all out.

Doesn't health lie in feeling "good" and seeing after "positive" stuff? I took one doctor's advice, who admitted my serious metabolic problems to try and live life the best I could, with what I had. I remained disabled but made that my main focus. I am not sure how to emotionally handle this stuff. I feel like I have tried my best, but the years worth of being a super-fat woman [the lowest on the totem pole] in American society have definitely taken their toll.

Oh well how do I manage without losing my mind? I have my ways, but my body is not my friend!

No comments:

Post a Comment